Backfield Penetration

It’s very difficult to concentrate on anything during an extended Phillies’ playoff run. I learned that last year, and the same is true right now. Luckily, I’ve been distracted by one of the busiest weeks of work ever. I wasn’t even able to watch the Phils clinch live on Monday night. What was I doing that was so important? Take a look ...



The Frenchman was telling me the other day about a short-lived talk show featuring a straight comedian who was told by the network that he “tested well with the gays.” Welcome to my world. Here’s a clip from my Tuesday night event featuring Cosmo’s 50 Hottest Bachelors.



And don’t even get me started on the one-on-one interview I did with Valerie Bertinelli yesterday. I referenced two episodes of Oprah so convincingly; she believed I’d actually watched them. Sigh…

I’m so stoked the LCS begins tonight so I can have a bunch of dudes over for some good old masculine fun. I might even remove my shirt if my beard, er, my wife goes to sleep. What? Excuse me?

As I mentioned, I was working on Monday night, so I watched Game 4 of the NLDS on DVR. That was one of the most exciting sporting events I’ve ever had the pleasure of seeing. I feel lucky that DVR technology changed the way we watch TV.

Of all the memorable highlights from the ’08 playoffs, in hindsight, the real standout was the 8th inning of NLCS Game 4. The game tying two-run shot that Victorino hit off of Cory Wade, followed by the go-ahead moon shot by professional hitter Matt Stairs off that chump Broxton, were as good as it gets.

Those monstrous dongs had nothing on the two-out, 9th inning double by Ryan Howard on Monday night.

That was so sick. And how about Lidgey dropping the hammer on Tulowitzki for the final out? Unreal. These Phillies are inspiring.

I’ve been thinking about something Bill Simmons has written about recently, the idea of being “historically good.” Well, the Phillies may well be “historically good.”

I read this morning that they are the first NL team since the Braves in ’96 to win a playoff series after winning the World Series. They’re the second team to do so since the Big Red Machine in the 70s and only the third to do so since the 1920s.

Objectively, this is one of the strongest top-to-bottom teams I’ve ever seen. The starting pitching is as good as any in the majors -- especially if the birth of his first child means the return of vintage ’08 Hamels. Lee is so nasty. Happ, Blanton and Pedro are all solid.

If Lidgey and Chan Ho are back, the bullpen is excellent. Durbin, Madson, Eyre and whatever starters are available are all proven and effective.

The defense, particularly up the middle, is an undeniable strength.

The order 1-7 is tougher to get through than Christopher Street on Pride Day. At 7-8, you’ve got Pete Happy and Chooch - both very dangerous hitters.

What may be the most impressive is their collective approach. They’re just so even and patient, up and down the lineup and throughout the staff.

J.A. Happ is incredibly impressive for such a young guy. And the methodical way he pitches? What poise ...

How about Raul Ibanez and his approach at the plate? Those walks that he coaxed against the Rockies in Games 3 and 4 were some of the best at-bats I remember watching. Could he be any better than Pat the Bat? So great!

I could go on forever. I love this team. The happiness that I derive from this group of strapping, athletic men is most ironic. Words can’t do justice to how much they mean to me and every Philly sports fan.

So watch out, you cheesy, fair-weather L.A. douchenozzles. Whatya gonna do when Red October runs wild on you?

“Who’s the bitch now, Santy Claus?”

Here’s what's up …

-"The Hills" featured a band called Morning Wood the other night. What I had this morning was not normal morning wood. It was a raging, playoff-gameday boner. I was harder than Mike Piazza at the Barney's warehouse sale. Wooooooooooo!

-I can totally start a column by talking about my piece. I’m not showing a picture, am I? Hmmm …

-Is it 2:37pm yet? I hope that the Phils aren’t running into the same buzzsaw they ran into in ’07. Hopefully that WFC pedigree means something.

-That Twins-Tigers elimination game last night was one of the most exciting baseball games I’ve ever seen. It was sloppy, but both teams left everything on the field.

-It was a great idea to build the Metrodome with a white roof because it totally has given the Twinkies home-field advantage over the years. They didn’t lose a home game (or win a road game) in their two World Series wins. I wonder if something will be built into their new home that will give them an advantage like that?

-If I were a Tigers fan I’d be PISSED. Home plate ump Randy Marsh blew so many calls, the most egregious error being the missed HBP on Inge with the bases juiced. Oof. He was terrible on balls and strikes too. I hope that he’s not umping any more postseason games.

-My wife, a relative baseball newb, thought that the missed HBP was "f***ing bulls***" and she doesn't understand why baseball doesn't institute replay to take the human error out of the game. She's right. The result of that incredible game shouldn't have hinged on Randy Marsh's declining eyesight.

-It’s amazing that Trey and Matt named Stan’s dad 'Randy Marsh.' To a fan of the obscure minutiae of baseball, this is almost as good a name as 'George Michael Bluth.' Randy Marsh has become one of the best characters on South Park over the last few years.



-This Braylon Edwards sh*t is hilarious! You couldn’t write it any better. “There’s only room for one of us in this town, LeBron. I’m going to punch your 130 lb friend so I can get traded to New York.”

-What’s the deal with NFL wideouts anyway? If egomania was currency, these guys would be richer than the Elders of Zion.

-Eric Mangini is going through problems the way I go through Valtrex. He might be one and done in Cleveland.

-Elders of Zion? Valtrex? Is this a sports column or a vaudeville act?

-Who knew that Marvin Harrison was Stringer Bell? He was always thought of as a WR who did things the right way. It’s crazy that he’s a stone cold thug.

-The Nightmare on Elm Street trailer doesn’t look scary but the Shutter Island trailer sure does.

-I’m looking forward to seeing Cold Souls. I think Paul Giamatti is the best. Enjoy this 'Classic Cut' of me interviewing him at The Illusionist premiere.



-I’m glad that I picked Aaron Rodgers. He’s the No. 2 scoring player in fantasy, and is going to be chucking it up all season long. Picking Eddie Royal two picks ahead of Vincent Jackson? Not so much.

-I hope they bring back the 'Saved by Zero' commercials. Saved by zero, Saved by zero …

-Will Michael Crabtree’s signing make the surprising Niners any better? It should. Shaun Hill doesn't have a real WR threat besides him.

-After watching the first three episodes of Season 1, I’m sad to say that Mad Men is f***ing boooooring. Don’t believe the hype. Watch Dewey Cox five times instead.



I’ll tell you what else …

-Flyboys are looking great! They gave the eventual Stanley Cup champs a run for their money in the playoffs last year. With the addition of Chris Pronger, they're scary, especially since Carter and Richards should really hit their stride this year.

-I didn’t see the Curb with the Seinfeld cast, but that road head episode was wonderful. I’ve watched most Curb episodes because I know how good it is, but LD’s is not my favorite sensibility. He’s too mean. I like nice guys like Adam Sandler and John C. Reilly.



-If Ric Flair ran for Senate as a Republican, I’d break party lines to vote for him. If Linda McMahon ran for Senate as a Democrat, I’d break party lines to vote against her. Frankly, if I witnessed Ric Flair murder someone, I probably wouldn't testify against him.

-Hey Colorado ... If you want to be the man, you've got to beat the man. Wooooooo!



-It's a good time to be a Philly sports fan! Dingding!

In early September 2007, I was less than two months shy of my 30th birthday, a queen of spades short of a full deck, and a dollar short of a buck fifty. The Phils were 7 games behind the Mets with 17 games left to play.

Having won the NL East just once in the previous 24 years, it looked like the Phillies would have to wait yet another year to have a chance. Then, the unbelievable happened. The Mets suffered the most epic collapse in MLB history and the Phillies stopped losing.

Fast-forward two years to last night when, ho hum, the Phightin Phils won their THIRD CONSECUTIVE NL East Championship!

I think that it’s very important to not take this success for granted. We’re Phillies fans. We’re not promised s**t. Mrs. Chairman and I reflected on this when we went to the bar to watch the end of the game.

This season was a tumultuous one for the Phils, marred by poor situational hitting, awful relief pitching and excruciating defeats. Yet, here we are again, the defending WFCs, 2-to-1 Vegas favorites to win the pennant. It’s been a beautiful ride.



Everybody knows the main reasons the Phils are here -- the prolific offensive numbers from the middle of the order, the trade deadline acquisitions of Cliff Lee and Pedro, terrific team defense and a World F***ing Championship pedigree. That said, in order to go 162 games and win a division title, there are many little breaks and success stories that need to transpire.

Here are Backfield Penetration’s unsung reasons the Phils won the division again:

Whatever’s in Uncle Chollie’s pants

It’s been a colostomy bag in the past. This year, it seems to be just a couple of grapefruit sized cojones. Charlie Manuel is a manager in every sense of the word. What a brilliant job he’s done with these guys. Charlie is a huge pro wrestling fan. Much like Randy Savage or Ric Flair, in the face of adversity, Charlie Manuel’s Phillies always get off the mat.

Jayson Werth’s flavor saver

Like Samson and his hair, LL Cool Jay derives immense power from his soul patch. Perhaps Pat Gillick’s best free agent signing, Werth has 35 HRs and is on the precipice of both 100 runs and RBIs. On the side, Werth moonlights as WWE superstar Edge. It’s no wonder Uncle Chollie loves him so.



Rodrigo, contigo, mi amigo

Lost amidst the acclaim that Cliff Lee and Pedro have received is the excellent job that Rodrigo Lopez did in July. After the Phils’ brutal June swoon (4-14 b/w June 12 & July 2), Lopez was brought in to fill Brett Myers' spot in the rotation. He went 3-1 with a 3.62 era as a starter in July. The Phils were 4-1 in his starts. If they win it all again, I hope that people recognize the contribution he made and give him a rousing ovation at the ring ceremony.

Chooooooch!

On a team filled with superstars, all Carlos Ruiz does is call great game after great game, play stellar defense behind the plate and get clutch hits. What a great guy! Dingdingding! Love that Chooch!

Raul Ibanez and his egg shaped head



Rauuuuuuul is one of the best free agent pickups ever. The giant wad of tobacco in his cheek makes his head look almost as funny shaped as Placido Polanco’s.



Who was the leftfielder on the World Series team? I forget ...

Chan Ho Park’s beard

He won the fifth starter's job out of spring training and s**t the bed out of the gates. When he lost his job to J.A. Happ a month into the season, Chan Ho was pissed. He could have gone a lot of different directions with that anger, but Chan Ho, professional that he is, took the anger and became the Phillies most dependable reliever. He has also, this season, grown perhaps, the best Asian-guy beard ever. It looks like Random Task’s beard in Austin Powers. Hooray for you, sir.

The Mets: What a joke!

The Phils had won four times in eighteen games and were in a virtual first-place tie with the Marlins when the Mets came to town on July 3rd. The Phils proceeded to sweep their rivals in dominating fashion. They never looked back.

What a joke of a franchise the Mets are. Before the season even started, Bernie Madoff took hundreds of millions of their free agent dollars, a foreshadowing of their 2009 season.

Their new ballpark is a ridiculous monstrosity that pays more homage to the New York baseball Giants, Brooklyn Dodgers and Jackie Robinson than to the Mets two World Series teams. The seats are green and the security guards wear Phillies' maroon? Where the hell is the blue and orange? Why are there so many obstructed view seats in the outfield? Why are the fences so stupid and far out there? On a positive note: you gotta love the Shake Shack!

Oh yeah, nice organizational philosophy Omar Minaya, “Hi. I’m Omar Minaya. Let’s sign all Latinos. They’re the best players in baseball today. That’ll create a winning ballclub and a tight-knit clubhouse atmosphere.”

How does this guy still have a job? Ha! Love it. Couldn’t happen to a better fan base.

I returned to NYC last night from an uneasy fast in Philadelphia. I had a chance to reflect on the past year, my relationships, and of course, Philly sports.

The Eagles looked excellent dismantling an overmatched Chiefs squad on Sunday. They ought to be able to win the three games after the bye week and cruise into their November 1 matchup with the New York Football Giants at 5-1. I’m confident about the Birds. The Phils? Not so much.

I had the displeasure of listening to the World Champs on my drive home. The Phightin’s listless bats and underwhelming pitching made me want to vomit up all the kippered salmon and lox I had just eaten.

Pathetic. Why can’t they beat the Astros? Why do they make scrub rookie pitchers with 5.00+ ERAs look like Nolan Ryan? I have a bad feeling in my gut (unrelated to all the salty fish I ate).

On the other end of the spectrum, I have a very good feeling about something I watched last night. It can be summed up in three words:

Michael F***ing Scott!

I was finally able to watch the first two episodes of the new season of The Office. Wow. That show is unreal. Michael Scott is completely out of control. Whether he’s blowing up Stanley’s spot, or ruining Jim’s promotion, dude is one of the most cringe-inducing and wonderful characters in the history of television.

Last year, during the short run of the Michael Scott Paper Company, I felt that The Office eclipsed 30 Rock and became the best comedy on TV. It’s good to see that they’ve carried the momentum over into the new season.

As in any narrative, it all comes down to character. In an interview I conducted with Ricky Gervais last March, the creator of The Office said as much.

“… character elevates above everything else. It elevates above lines, story, everything.”

In another part of the interview, that you can watch here (listen for me at 1:40)



Mr. Gervais told me about his stand-up act. He said that the targets are not what they seem and that he is “the biggest butt of the joke.”

My 35 minutes with Ricky Gervais were like a Comedy 101 class. I’ve been thinking a lot about that interview lately, and about comedy and character in general, especially relating to this blog.

My perspective on entertainment is an interesting one because of my profession. I have a very cool job. I’ve interviewed the most interesting people in the world.

How does that relate to Backfield Penetration? What’s the tie between my connection to the entertainment world and the world of sports that I love so much? What is funny about this connection and what is funny about this blog?

It’s me, folks. I’m not some primped up Ryan Seacrest wannabe. I’m a goofy, hairy, raw sonofabitch. I’m not just funny because people laugh at what I say and what I write. I’m funny because of the stupid s**t that I do. I can’t come on here and promote myself as some cooler-than-thou slickster. I’m a goofball and I have to be able to portray myself as such.

That said, with a great deal of reluctance and apprehension, I present to you for the very first time, the world premiere video of one of my first gigs in the business.

This clip takes place on June 27, 2006, the eve of the 2006 NBA draft. I’m working a pre-draft party at the 40/40 Club. In this video, I have the pleasure of interviewing my favorite point guard in the league, Chris Paul.

Talking about his CP3 Foundation, he tells me about the murder of his grandfather, and I respond by saying “fantastic” and “amazing.” I s**t you not. Listen to me stammer after I say it. You can’t make this stuff up.



If you can’t laugh at yourself, at whom can you laugh? I know that I write some funny stuff and have an interesting point of view, but I’m not sure that’s where my ultimate talent as a character is. Like Ricky Gervais and Steve Carell, I need to embrace being the butt of the joke.

I’ve been very busy lately. I offer sincere apologies for not penetrating you over the last week. It turns out that adulthood is not that different than college. Quarterbacks still rule the roost. I still make weekly panty raids (albeit in my wife’s underwear drawer). I’m still pulling all-nighters to finish my work.

This past Monday, lovely and handsome clients of mine kicked off their annual party series by honoring Michael Moore and his new film, Capitalism: A Love Story. There were two red carpets, one at Lincoln Center for the movie screening and a second at the party a few hours later.

I didn’t see the film, but I did interview Michael Moore twice.

I also interviewed Morgan Spurlock (Supersize Me) and Wallace Shawn (Vizzini from The Princess Bride) at the premiere.

I desperately wanted to bait Vizzini into using an obscure word so I could reply in my Inigo Montoya voice, “I do not think that word means what you think it means.” He didn’t seem pleased to be talking to me, so I let him ramble on for a couple of minutes about our government before politely shaking his hand and thanking him for his time. It’s hard to believe that I let that opportunity pass. Almost … Inconceivable.

I had a big deadline the next morning. I make weekly fantasy projections for a major sports magazine’s website. I predict the outcome of each NFL game and the stat line for every notable player in the league, along with a one-to-three sentence blurb about each player. Projections are due first thing Tuesday morning. Prognosticay-shun (Cajun Man) is surprisingly tedious work. After these two Michael Moore events, I knew that I was going to likely have to pull an all-nighter in order to meet the deadline.

Well, wouldn’t you know it; Michael Moore was an hour and a half late. What took him so long? My boy Frenchman (in town for the UN Assembly) said he had to stop for pizza.

I have mixed feelings about Michael Moore. On one hand, I think that he’s brilliant and is a genuinely helpful voice for “the people.” I agree philosophically with his messages in Bowling for Columbine, Sicko and Fahrenheit: 9/11. On the other hand, he strikes me as a bully, a blowhard and a propagandist. Also, Trey and Matt hate him, and they’re my favorite guys.

I attended a Q&A with them after a private screening of Team America. If you’ve seen Bowling for Columbine, you’ll recall the interview with Littleton native Matt Stone. Following the interview, there’s a South Park-esque cartoon that we're led to believe Trey and Matt produced for the film.

In fact, Trey and Matt rejected Moore’s overtures to make him a cartoon. Moore hired other cartoonists to do a “South Park style” piece. This cartoon directly followed Matt's interview, fooling the audience into thinking it was the real "Colt" McCoy.

Trey and Matt went off about the portly documentarian at the Q&A. I feel like they don’t attack anyone who doesn't deserve it. They’re the greatest.

I think back to Michael Moore bullying poor old Charlton Heston in Bowling. Charlton Heston may have been an evil sonofabitch, but during that interview, he was senile and helpless, and Michael Moore really disrespected him in his own home.

That said, my experience with Michael Moore was quite pleasant. He was totally kind and respectful to me, despite the fact that I too am senile and helpless.

When asked about Americans' hatred for anything that exudes the slightest whiff of socialism, Moore recited the Pledge of Allegiance. He told me it was written by a Socialist, one Edward Bellamy. He went on to give me a list of prominent American Socialists, including Charlie Chaplin. He also gave me a great soundbite for my client, about my client, and was an all-around friendly and articulate guy.

The diehard populist filmmaker (and first man in America to accumulate 1000 Papa John’s Party Points) did exhibit one example of really bizarre and questionable judgment. Moore brought with him to the party a poor family from Iowa that is one of the main focuses in Capitalism. They were wildly out of place at this opulent party, the very embodiment of American excess. It was bizarre and sad. It might have been appropriate, were Moore promoting Capitalism: A Study in Ironic Juxtaposition.

I got home from the party late, and returned to my fantasy projections. Ahead of me, was a daunting amount of writing and research. This was an all-nighter straight out of college - Clown College.

Over the next eight hours, my brain went a lot of wild places. I laughed. I cried. I talked to myself. I sang to myself. I peed my pants. I threw my pants out the window. I called 311 and complained about fictional cats that were in heat all night in the alley behind my apartment. I ate two full pizzas and drank one of those old school 3-liter bottles of Diet Coke. Then I made a bong out of the 3-liter bottle. Like I said … Prognostication is tedious work.

Finally, at 10 a.m., having been up for 26 hours, I finished my projections. During the course of the night, I wrote about 300 blurbs for NFL players. I also wrote many blurbs that were unfit for publication on a “family web site.” Here are some that didn’t make the cut.

Dennis Northcutt, 2 rec, 25 rec yards

You could start Northcutt. You could also decide not to wear a condom. Heck, you’re only in Haiti once. (6 a.m. called, it wants its ‘Bad Idea Jeans’ reference back)



Carson Palmer, 160 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT

Palmer? We’ve been on three dates … Isn’t it about time I got to use my mouth?

Kurt Warner, 290 yards, 2 TD

His boy Jesus seemed to have deserted him Week 1. Last week against the Jags, Warner was resurrected to the tune of the best single-game completion percentage in league history.

Larry Fitzgerald, 7 rec, 110 rec yards, 1 TD

My wife LOVES ol' Fitzie’s muscular butt. From an objective perspective, it is an impressive posterior.

Atlanta D, 2 sacks

Not an advisable start. Tom Brady’s really gonna tear it up. (For point of reference, see Nacho Vidal vs. Belladonna in Rocco and Buttman go to Brazil.)

Wes Welker, 9 rec, 85 rec yards, 1 TD

Welker? I just bought her a drink, but she is certainly coming on strong. Monitor the injury that kept him out against the Jets, but he’s a must start if he plays, especially in PPR leagues. This guy has caught more passes the last three years than Jerry Ferrara at a Nerf convention … Excuse me? What does that even mean?

Trent Edwards, 215 yard, 2 TD, 1 INT

Edwards had a great warm-up for New Orleans against a porous Tampa D. He'll be confident, just as though he rubbed one out before a big date.

Cedric Benson, 75 yards, 1 TD

He’s followed a surprisingly productive 2nd half of ’08 with two good games to start the season. However, as the Wolf told Vincent and Jules, “Let’s not start sucking ... just yet.” This is still Cedric Benson.

I don't know about you, but I freaking love September. Highlights of the ninth month include my wedding anniversary, the start of football, the pennant chase, more work, perfect weather, empty South Jersey beaches, the return of college girls to NYC and, did I mention, the start of football? All things considered, September might be the best month of the year.

NFL Week 1 is always titillating, but the weekend of Friday, September 11, 2009 will not be remembered for that. Nor will it be remembered for the first annual National Service Day. Instead, last weekend will be remembered for some dips**t antics.

Last Friday, fugaze bisexual media whore Tila Tequila gave TMZ photos of the bruises she allegedly suffered at the hands of Shawne Merriman. On Saturday, Serena Williams went crazy on a linesperson, costing herself match point in the U.S. Open semifinal. On Sunday, gay fish Kanye West went ballistic at the VMAs and interrupted Taylor Swift’s adorable acceptance speech, prompting the Commander In Chief to call him "a Jackass."

This week, those were the most searched and Tweeted stories on the web. America wasn't Tweeting about the dynamite SNF game between da Bears and the Pack. Very few folks were Googling the vintage Pedro performance on Sunday Night Baseball. Nobody really cares that Roger Federer lost his first match at the U.S. Open in over 2,000 days. Nope. We just want to watch the train wrecks.

I did a set visit to ‘The View’ last week, during which I interviewed uber-hotties Barbara Walters and Whoopi Goldberg. Talk about a mature interracial lesbian fantasy! I almost came in my shorts.

The taping of the show was the first episode of ‘The View’ I’ve ever seen.

Afternoon Yak


That sh*t is hilarious! They all talk over each other and compete to kiss Barbara’s ass. Joy Behar is surprisingly funny, cracking one-liner after one-liner. I just thought she was some weird old loudmouth broad. She’s a fine comedienne. I totally get it.

Anyway, my clients wanted me to ask the ladies about Kate Gosselin. She’s filling in for right-wing honey and new mom, Elisabeth Hasselbeck this week. A lot of folks don’t understand the public’s fascination with ‘Jon and Kate.’ Like so much of the other stuff we tune into, watching Jon and Kate’s marriage dissolve - with those eight weird looking kids as witnesses - fascinates us. Again, it’s just like looking at a train wreck.

Remember the nonstop coverage when TO worked his abs in his driveway, or when he “accidentally” OD’d on pain pills? How about the media frenzy when Ricky Williams quit the NFL so he could spend more time with his Vapor Brothers’ vaporizer? And what about the zoo that followed Barry Bonds during the BALCO trial? America watches these meltdowns with rapt attention. It’s easy to blame ESPN for running that garbage all day, but frankly, the blame falls squarely on our shoulders.

It’s like being caught in a half-hour of standstill traffic only to find out that the accident was already cleared, and the entire delay was caused by f**kers craning their necks to see the accident. There’s nothing more frustrating than a gaper delay.

Which brings me to my point ... If I were writing a porn movie that spoofed a Hollywood film (i.e. ‘Saturday Night Beaver’ or ‘Romancing the Bone’) I would do an overly complicated, multi-layered spoof of the film ‘Traffic.’

I would call it ‘Gaper Delay.’