The ABC's: Athletic Brain Cramps

In case there was any doubt, LeBron James has proven that he truly is the King ... at least in Cleveland.

I woke up to the news that star wide receiver Braylon Edwards had been traded to the New York Jets. I remember hearing Edwards' name in off-season trade rumors, so it wasn't that big of a surprise to me.

Wait, something else happened this week with Edwards, didn't it? Oh yeah, he punched LeBron James' BFF in the face this weekend!

The incident happened Sunday night and Edwards was shipped out of Cleveland on Wednesday morning. We knew LeBron was quick, but wow!

Here's a reenactment of how the conversation between LeBron and Browns head coach Eric Mangini might have gone down:

(Mangini's phone rings to the tune of "Cleveland Rocks", the theme song to The Drew Carey Show)
Mangini: Hello?
LeBron: Yo.
Mangini: Who is this, the caller ID says "U.R.A. Witness."
LeBron: Dis LeBron.
Mangini: Oh, ok. What can I do for you, LeBron?
LeBron: Trade Braylon.
Mangini: Why? He's our best player!
LeBron: Cuz I said so.
*click*
Mangini: Hello? LeBron? Hello?

And that, as they say, is that. Mangini didn't have much choice after the greatest Cleveland athlete since Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn told him to make the deal.

I'm waiting for the news that former Indians skipper Eric Wedge cut LeBron's mother in line at the grocery store days before his firing.

In case eliminating Edwards from the Cleveland bar scene wasn't enough, LeBron also happened to send him to New York. That way, when LeBron signs with the New York Knicks next summer, he'll be able to send Edwards packing once again.

Rex Ryan better put "U.R.A. Witness" on his list of blocked numbers.

You have to love this country.

People honestly have the memories of goldfish around here. Not only is there a convicted dog murderer who was once condemned a despicable human being gaining fan-favorite status in Philadelphia, but now we get word that the Miami Heat are going to retire the jersey of Tim Hardaway.

What's so bad about Tim Hardaway you ask? Let me refresh your memories ...



Yes, you heard that right. The words, "I hate gay people" and "I am homophobic" actually did come out of the former All-Star's mouth. At least he's not giving us mixed signals.

The Miami Herald article I linked to mentions the comments, but not until the 12th paragraph. Talk about burying the lead!

One thing about America, for better or worse, is that we're an extremely forgiving country. Manny Ramirez was suspended 50 games for performance-enhancing drugs, yet at the Dodger game I went to the other night there were 50,000 fans chanting his name.

Did we all get sports roofies slipped into our drinks?

I waited all weekend to hear about protests, outrage, and calls for Heat owner Micky Arison's resignation. Instead all I saw was college football and NFL predictions. At least players like Ramirez and Vick can play themselves back into favor with the fans. Hardaway made these comments when he was retired! All he can do to win us back is host youth basketball camps or guest star in a "This is SportsCenter" commercial.

There's no reason we should embrace him the way we have embraced the others, yet here he is getting his jersey retired.

Perhaps there was some strong reaction to Hardaway's jersey retirement, but I certainly didn't see it. The fact that it wasn't front-page news speaks to our incredible ability to forgive and forget when it comes to athletes and their baffling mistakes.

For years, John Madden has monopolized the NFL video game industry. The game is so popular that it has its own TV show, and certain players even complain when their Madden rating is too low.

Sick of Madden? Wish there was a better, more realistic NFL video game?

Well, you're in luck because, at long last, I have designed one. It will require users to go beyond the X's and O's, and face the everyday struggles of NFL players. Here is the exclusive sneak preview of the first three levels:

Level 1 - You’re celebrating Labor Day weekend with your pals, and everyone’s about to call it a night. Suddenly, you look over at your friend, Tila Tequila, and ... what’s this? She’s trying to drive home! Her 86 pound frame can’t handle the gallon and a half of Apple-tinis in her system, so you have to stop her from driving home by ANY MEANS NECESSARY!

Level 2 - You’ve just be re-instated into the NFL , and you’re ready to make your triumphant return with your new team tonight. But wait! You have to appear in bankruptcy court this morning! Try to convince the judge that you’re bankrupt while wearing $3 million worth of jewelry on your wrist, neck, and pinky finger, then catch a private jet to the stadium before kickoff. You need your calories, but don’t choke on your Cliff Bar during opening statements!

Level 3 - You’re out for an evening of fun with your buddies at the local gentleman’s establishment. After three Coronas and five vodka-crans, you realize there is a serious problem. You forgot about the garbage bag full of one dollar bills you brought with you! Try to “make it rain” until the garbage bag is empty before you and your friends get kicked out. Careful…last call always comes sooner than you think!

Well, that's just a taste of what you'll have to go through to succeed in this game. I think you'll agree that this promises to be the best, most realistic sports game of all time.

The great thing about this game is that levels will undoubtedly continue to be added throughout the season due to bonehead decisions by the NFL players.

Oh yeah, it will also be narrated by ESPN legal analyst Roger Cossack. Who needs Madden anyway?

Picture this. You're the star running back on the No. 16 team in the nation. You've just lost to a team that plays on blue Astro Turf. On top of that, you've had one of the worst games of your entire life, carrying the ball eight times for a whopping -5 yards.

That might be enough to get you a little upset.

But then comes the final straw. A player on the opposing team comes up to you, taps you on the shoulder and says, "LeGarrette is the stupidest name I've ever heard in my life!"

After a horrific series of flashbacks of children making fun of you for this ridiculous name, you have no recourse but to let your frustrations go on the closest unsuspecting chin. For example ...



After that series of events, can you really blame the guy?

Don't get me wrong; I am not condoning Blount's actions. But with a name like LeGarrette, let's be honest, the kid's been defending himself since birth.

Blount is simply the latest in the long tradition of football players with unimaginably bad names to get into trouble. Don't believe me? Let's take a look at a couple:

Plaxico Burress - shot himself in the leg in a night club; two years in jail.

Terrell Owens (wasn't a horrible name until he changed the pronunciation to TE-rell instead of Te-RELL) - run out of town in San Francisco, Philadelphia and Dallas.

Donté Stallworth - DUI manslaughter; suspended for season.

Orenthal James (O.J.) Simpson - I don't think we need to get into this one.

That's not even counting Adam "PacMan" Jones who purposely made his name absurd just so he could justify getting himself into outrageous shenanigans.

I'm calling for an investigation to see if Michael Dwayne Vick is actually the convicted dog murderer's given name. If it was something like DeMichael or Míkeaulle, it would go a long way to explain his actions.

Need more proof? Look at this list of past Heisman Trophy winners. You'll see good, clean names like Sam, Tim, Troy, Reggie and Matt.

Coincidence? I think not.

So this is a plea to all of those parents with babies on board. If you want your son to be an athlete, especially a football player, please name him something reasonable. Otherwise when you fill out that birth certificate you'll be sentencing him to a life of fistfights, convictions and suspensions.

Now that Manny Ramirez is only a week away from his triumphant return to the Major Leagues, it is only fitting that some light is being shed on the exact origin of his performance-enhancing drugs.

According to ESPN.com, the DEA is investigating a Miami doctor and his son as the source of the banned drug given to Manny Ramirez.

Unfortunately, I’m here to tell you that this is all one big conspiracy. That’s right, not only did Mannywood not get the PED’s from this guy, he never even took the drug in question.

Sounds crazy, I know. But hear me out.

For the last ten years or so, Manny has been sporting one of the most unique hairstyles that has ever graced the diamond. From red dreads to back-length Predator-style braids , Manny’s hair has become almost as infamous as his unique defensive abilities.

So what does this have to do with steroids?

Let’s remember, Manny never tested positive for steroids. He tested positive for a female fertility drug. The drug is used to restart the body’s natural production of testosterone after coming off of a steroid cycle … or so Manny’s people would like us to believe.

I was sitting in my living room staring at a Raggedy Ann doll when it finally hit me.

Manny never took the fertility drug. The person who took the drug is the woman whose hair Manny is wearing on his head.

That's right. Manny has a weave!

It’s all so clear now. The MLB tests hair samples for steroids. They ask Manny for a lock of his lustrous coiffure and, Manny being Manny, he agrees without thinking of the fact that it’s not his hair. Besides, it’s not like hair donators are roided up --- he’s got nothing to worry about.

But then, boom, the hair sample comes up positive for the female fertility drug. Turns out the poor woman who donated the hair had been trying to have a child for some time, to no avail. Finally she decided to sell her hair in a desperate attempt to raise money for the adoption charges.

I’ve seen it a million times.

Anyway, Manny had a tough decision to make. He could clear his name by saying that it wasn’t his hair, but he would face the horrifying embarrassment of having the whole world know that he wears a weave.

Think about it, Manny doesn’t want to play a full 162-game season anyway. He doesn’t care about his legacy or the Hall of Fame. The Dodgers want him fresh for September and October, not May and June. The decision was easy. Take the suspension.

So although Manny has now been removed from contention for “the greatest right-handed hitter the game has ever seen,” he triumphantly remains atop the list for “greatest dreadlocks the game has ever seen.”

Unbeweaveable.

In these days of the "I gotta gets mines" athlete, it's good to see a nice team-first attitude coming from the NFL.

According to an ESPN.com report, Tennessee Titans quarterback Vince Young has said that if he's doesn't start this year, he's ready to move along:

"I definitely want to get back out there playing ball and picking up where I left off, winning games and having a good time with my teammates and with the fans. At the same time, if them guys don't want me to be in there, it's time for me to make a career change for myself. Because the fact is I'm ready to play ball. If they're not ready for me to play ball, then somebody is."

Hey, at least Vince isn't pulling any punches here. He's not playing the cliche card, spouting off trite phrases like "I just wanna compete for a championship" or "I'll do whatever it takes to help the team win."

Instead, Young is flat-out saying that if he doesn't start, he doesn't want to be a part of the Titans.

You have to admire a young man for owning up to his selfishness, right?

Let's keep in mind that current starter Kerry Collins led the Titans to a 13-3 record last season and a first-place finish in the AFC South. So, sorry Vince, but I don't think you're threats are going to cause much of a stir.

It's like if Dolph Lundgren threatened to leave the set of Rocky IV if he didn't get more screen time than Sylvester Stallone. I mean, don't get me wrong, Drago is an important part of the movie, but it's not like we can't find another 8-foot tall, blonde, generic European with a crew cut to deliver this performance:



In fact, I'm not so sure the Titans aren't quietly happy about this declaration. Young has been billed as the quarterback of the future in Tennessee but his play has been wildly inconsistent. On top of that, there is lengthy precedent that the whole "run-first quarterback" -- which we thought was going to be the new breed of football -- simply doesn't work.

The guys who have success are pocket passers and field generals first, and if they have a little mobility, it doesn't hurt. So if Young doesn't get the starting nod, the Titans should let him (and his huge salary) walk, ride Collins out for another year or two and pick up a young backup capable of filling in.

Either way it's safe to say that Young hasn't helped his cause with this latest tantrum.

The NCAA baseball tournament brackets were announced Sunday, which let teams get a look at their long and difficult road to the College World Series.

But before that, teams had to play in their respective Conference Tournaments to see who would win an automatic berth and who would have to rely on an at-large bid from the selection committee.

As we all know, baseball can get boring. It can get even more boring when there is a five-hour rain delay.

During rain delays, players try to find ways to entertain themselves. Whether it's cards or video games in the clubhouse or taking turns doing their best impression of the head coach, players try to remain loose.

But the fans that stuck out the rain delay in this UConn-USF game were treated to a unique and unprecedented show:



What's more impressive is that the dance off coincided with the debut of Dance Flick and the season premiere of So You Think You Can Dance?

I can see the baseball "traditionalists" shaking their fists in disgust thinking about such a fiasco on the diamond, but let's give the kids a break ... they are college students after all. They're used to getting crazy on the dance floor on the weekends. You can't ask them to turn off the groove during baseball games!

I like this idea so much that I came up with a proposal: after 10 innings, no more baseball. At that point, each team will send its best five dancers to the middle of the diamond for a dance-off. The umpires will then judge and determine a winner of the game.

Anybody know if this guy still has his eligibility?

With the second pick in the 1998 draft, the San Diego Chargers select ... Ryan Leaf from Washington State University!

Seems like only yesterday that some were debating whether the Indianapolis Colts made the right decision by taking Peyton Manning over the bigger, stronger Leaf.

Well, that debate was already dead, but this just piled three tons of dirt on its grave.

We all know the disappointing story of Leaf's "career" in the NFL, but hey, it happens. Sometimes players are busts (see: Brian Bosworth). But there are ways to salvage your life after your athletic career fails (see: Mr. Brian Bosworth).

It seemed as if Leaf was on the right track, getting back to basics as a quarterbacks coach at Division II West Texas A&M.

He seemed to be doing what he wanted to do, out of the spotlight, which he never truly embraced:



And then this happens ... which just makes you shake your head and ask "why?"

For those of you that haven't heard, Leaf has been indicted on drug and burglary charges.

One of the counts was pretending to sell someone a drug called Hydrocodone, when in actuality it was something like aspirin. I got no problem with that ... that's just smart. Make some money while giving someone a placebo? Everybody wins.

But burglary? Really Ryan? Really?

There's precedent for the drugs -- he's certainly not the first athlete to pick up an addiction -- but you can't go breaking into people's houses.

Now, when people say "football" and "burglary," the first two names that come to mind will be O.J. Simpson and Ryan Leaf.

Not exactly the company you want to keep.

Actually this is the second time Leaf has been charged with burglary, the first being when he robbed the San Diego Chargers of $11.25 million.

Word on the street is that Leaf is in rehab in British Columbia, so that's a step in the right direction, at least. He won't have to worry about being recognized out there. Remember, BC is CFL country ... if you're not a Lion, you don't exist.

Athletes are stupid.

Well, let me rephrase that: Athletes do stupid things. Then again ... some really are just stupid.

That, in a nutshell, is what this blog is all about. I'm going to point out and comment on the plethora of miscues by athletes that we see on a daily basis. For example, this week alone we have:

-Michael Vick getting out of jail for leading a dog fighting ring.
-The fallout from Manny Ramirez taking steroids.
-Version 3.0 of "The Favre Ultimatum".
-Rays manager Joe Maddon losing the DH by penciling in two third baseman on the lineup card.

Then there's stuff like this that I can't even begin to explain:



These guys and girls are always doing something foolish. I see it as my privilege --- no, my duty, to criticize them.

If you're the person who stands at the bottom of the icy stairs waiting for someone to fall, this blog's for you.

If you're the person who creates hours of traffic because you can't help from slowing down to look at the accident, this blog's for you.

If you're the person who can't watch a sporting event without laughing hysterically and screaming, "what was he thinking!", this blog's for you.

My name is Colin. Nice to meet you. Hope you enjoy.