Sports Blog 2: Electric Blog-aloo

In honor of Shaq's new show, "Shaq vs.", premiering on ABC, the network I currently work for (by the way, I'm so proud), I have decided to finally come out of the hoops closet and say:

Shaquille O'Neal is the most overrated player in the history of the NBA! Here's a new nickname for Shaq: "The Big Under Achiever." Take that, readers!

Now, before you come over to my virtual house (by that I mean SportsFan Live and not my real house, freaks) and start flogging my basketball knowledge, my hair and my laughable vertical leap, let me just say that I also believe Shaq may be the most underrated actor of his generation. How about this new nickname: "The Big Thespian"?



First, the hoops:

Okay, so yeah, the numbers are pretty damn good. Four championships. Second highest field goal percentage of all time. Averages of 24 points, 11 rebounds and 2 blocks a game. But think of what they could have been. His free throw percentage is a piss poor 52 percent. He has missed over 5,000 free throws! Do you realize if he had made even a fifth of those he would move up four spots on the all-time scoring list. His field goal percentage is good but let me remind you of something -- he's freakin' 7-feet tall and 350 pounds! The truth is he has never developed a dependable shot outside of five feet. Think about what Hakeem Olajuwon and Patrick Ewing did late in their careers. They developed an outside game.

Shaq's rebounding totals are also misleading. Eleven a game? Wilt averaged 22. Shaq's not even in the top 25 all time. Charles Barkley averaged more rebounds a game than Shaq, and Barkley was seriously about 6-5...maybe. Also, Shaq's defense. He made the NBA All-Defensive second team twice. That's it. Let me refer back to my earlier argument -- he's freakin' 7-feet tall!

The truth is Shaq has always been on the lazy side. Never really working out. Almost always coming into camp out of shape. Never caring too much about the regular season. That is not what an all-time great does.

Now ... on too the fun stuff. Shaq the actor. "Blue Chips," "Steel," "Kazaam," "The Wash," seven million commercials ... Shaq was always pretty damn good. Yes, it was a mistake to make him the star of a movie. But, despite his Razzie Awards, Shaq was not the worst thing in any of those flicks. Trust me, I've seen worse from so-called professional actors. Come on ... Neon Boudreaux. Next to Penny Hardaway's log cabin worthy wooden performance and Nick Nolte's scenery chewing imitation of Bobby Knight, Shaq was Denzel Washington.

"Kazaam" was written and directed by Starsky (or Hutch, I'm not sure on that one) and in "Steel", Shaq had to act with Judd Nelson, so let's not blame him for everything. He held his own against Larry David in "Curb Your Enthusiasm" and he has done a bunch of funny voice-over work in cartoons. Plus, let us never forget the era of Shaq Fu, the rapper. Actually, let's forget that.

But Shaq has saved his best performances for his teammates and the media. Shaq is such a good actor, he's actually convinced many people that getting run out of Orlando, Los Angeles, Miami and Phoenix was somebody else's fault. Penny Hardaway, Kobe, Phil Jackson, Stan Van Gundy, Pat Riley, the Phoenix system ... and on and on. Notice how NO ONE ever said they were sad to see him leave their team. Yeah, I know the whole Kobe thing. But what about good guys like Dwayne Wade and Steve Nash?

And Shaq continues to talk sh**&& about everyone from Dwight Howard to Kobe to Van Gundy, yet people always say Shaq is a awesome teammate and "great guy." Really? I just don't see it. I don't think Bill Russell would ask former teammate, who had just lost a heartbreaking final series, how his ass tasted?

Oh well. We will always have "Scary Movie 4".

I'm just going to come out and say it ... "Entourage" sucks.

Okay, so yeah, I'm a comedy writer and maybe I'm bitter that the show keeps getting nominated for Emmys and winning Golden Globes. But seriously it's just not good. It's flat-out NF ... which roughly translates to: not funny. The acting is b-a-d bad. Last year when Vince got fired from that movie because he was a horrible actor, I almost wanted to give the writers credit for being somewhat meta and making a statement about Adrien Grenier's acting.

And the storytelling? Lazy and borderline offensive. A friend of mine said the best thing about stories on the show ... "Just when you think they are going to zig, they zig." Enough said. Here is an awesome video from College Humor depicting exactly what I'm talking about.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

However, this does help with my latest post. Because on "Entourage" the good guys almost always win. Vince always gets the girl or the part. E always comes out on top. Ari always makes the deal. But in sports it just doesn't work that way. Take the three golf majors played so far this year. Last week, old man Tom Watson was about to win the British Open. At 59! It would have been the most incredible sports story since Michael J. Fox turned into a wolf and led his basketball team to the championship. By the way, I don't understand how people in his high school were just suddenly cool with a classmate becoming a wolf. Just because he could play a little hoop, all of the sudden the hot chicks were all over him and his buddy was selling "I Heart Wolf" T-shirts. If a dude in my high school became a wolf, people would have freaked the F out.



Anyway, back to my point. Everyone wanted to see Watson win. But what happened ... he crapped the bed on the 18th, then ran out of gas in the playoff and lost to some dude named Cink. If this was "Entourage", Vince would have sank the putt, then nailed the hottest chick in the crowd, while E and Ari sold the rights to ABC for 20 million. Turtle would have put out a new Vinny Chase Golf Shoe and Drama would have starred in the TV movie.

Remember the U.S. Open ... Phil Mickelson, with his wife suffering from cancer, was about to win. And if he didn't, then there was David Duval, basically back from the dead, ready to snatch away the victory. Everybody was pulling for one of those guys. But no. It didn't happen and Danny Glover, or something like that, won the tournament. And what about the Masters, way back in April. Kenny Perry -- one of the all-time good guys on the tour, beloved Ryder Cup player, American -- has the Green Jacket in his sights. A perfect way to cap a career. Nope. Some guy named Angel won it. That's right, a GUY NAMED ANGEL. That's not the "Entourage" way.

I could go on and on with sporting events that didn't work out the way everyone wanted. Tampa Bay Rays winning the World Series. The Arizona Cardinals winning the Super Bowl. Rafa Nadal being healthy enough to play Federer in the French Open and Wimbledon. Hell, there is a guy named Lance pedaling his ass off in France right now ... how cool would it be to see him win? But he probably won't.

To quote Vincent Chase, "Don't worry guys, it always works out." I wish sports would listen to Vin more often.

It's 9:30 p.m. on the West Coast. The Major League All-Star Game is over. I've watched President Obama throw the Eephus Pitch 17 times on the replay. I can't believe I'm going to say this but ... he looked a teensy bit gay. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.) Sorry, dude. I love you. So excited you are President. But ... you're clearly an athlete; you have to bring something more than that.


But the real issue here is that we, sports fans, degenerate gamblers, lovers of balls of every color and shape, have NOTHING TO DO for the next 24 hours. We have reached the worst sports day of the year. I mean, there is nothing on. Not even Major League Soccer. I can't believe I have been reduced to "wishing" there was a game between DC United and the LA Galaxy. Wow. It's rough out there.

Here are your options:

1. Get up at 5 a.m. and watch the Tour De France. Yeah, it's cool that Lance is back, but I can't listen to that little British guy say "Peleton" more than 7 million times in a hour.

2. The Swedish Open for men's tennis and the Prague Open for women's tennis. I'd literally rather sit through "The Proposal," "Land Of The Lost" and "Year One," while getting smacked in the balls by an Andy Roddick first serve than watch those tennis tournaments.

3. Get work done.

4. Actually engage in meaningful conversations with your loved ones.

You know what? I'd go with No. 4. How bad could it be? I guess you could get roped into a trip to The Body Shop with your wife or watching "America's Biggest A-hole" with your kids ... but you might just have to suck it up.

Maybe it's better to think of today/tomorrow as our "Off-Season." I mean, every sport has one, right? Even fans need a little break. Hell, baseball starts again on Thursday. The British Open starts on Thursday. There is golf and NASCAR this weekend. NFL training camps are like two weeks away. Then the PGA Championship. Then pro and college football really start. Then the baseball playoffs heat up. Soon the NBA and college basketball season starts. Then the football bowl games and NFL playoffs. Then the Australian Open. Then the Super Bowl. Then the NBA All-Star Game. Then March Madness. Then the Masters. Then baseball starts again. Then the NBA playoffs. Then the French Open. Then the U.S Open. Then Wimbledon. Then the MLB All-Star game and then ... damn, we're back were we started. But let's worry about that next year.

I will leave you with this ... the last scene from "The Natural." 'Cause sports and great moments will always live on in our heads.

First off, some housekeeping:

Dropped iPhone calls today – 4. This week – 11.

Okay now, onto the show. And that show is “Joe Buck Live” on HBO. Um … wow. What in the hell was Joe B thinking? Yes, I know everyone is talking about Artie Lange’s appearance on the show. And yes, he was insane, rude, funny, drunk (?), loud, funny and funny … but I’m not really talking about that. Any producer who thought it was a good idea to book Artie as one of the first guests on a new show with a format that was unfamiliar to the host should be fired. That’s like letting a 17-year-old Amish boy on his first day of Rumspringa go out with Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Amy Winehouse.

The truth is the Artie thing was just a smokescreen, a diversion from the real story. The show stunk. It was a total train wreck of epic proportions. I mean, we are talking Magic Johnson/Chevy Chase/Dennis Miller proportions. It was what I like to call UNWATCHABLE WATCHABLE TV. I couldn’t turn away. I literally held a bite of Trader Joe’s Mac and Cheese near my mouth for the entire show. (I highly recommend the Mac and Cheese by the way. It’s good stuff.)

Since HBO has pretty much locked all video of Artie’s appearance in the vault with naked outtakes of Len Berman on “Inside The NFL” and any copies of George Clooney’s “K Street,” I have included one of the all-time great clips of Howard Stern performing a Fart Version of “Wipeout” on The Magic Hour.



Now look, I do have some experience and insight into producing and writing comedy on television. I have been doing it for the past ten years and I have learned many, many valuable lessons (some the hard way, “Veronica’s Closet,” anyone?).

Here are just two to live by:

First lesson – Comedy is not easy. This pisses me off more than anything. Everybody always feels like, “Hey, Jessica Simpson’s kinda funny. Let's give her a sitcom.” No, don’t give her a show. Put her in an hour show. Somewhere she can hide. If you are not funny, or your material is not good, you can’t hide anywhere. Joe Buck’s clearly a nice guy and he might actually be kinda funny in the booth or when he’s hanging out with his buddies at the steak house … but being funny on TV is a whole ‘nother animal. Ask Emeril. He had a sitcom. (Yes, he did.) Ask Michael Strahan in a few months when his sitcom premieres on Fox. Comedy is the hardest thing to do in show business (live comedy being the hardest of the hardest) and it's offensive to people who actually do it for a living when people like Joe Buck think they can just come in, do funny bits and it will all be good. Once again, I have to ask … what producer in their right mind would let him do bits with Brett Favre (literally the worst Athlete/Actor since Dorn did his American Express commercial in “Major League”), Bud Selig (Bud Selig!!!!!) and the Hall Of Fame announcer guy he was replacing, Bob Costas.

Second Lesson – Know What You Do Well And Know What You Don’t Do Well. This has tripped up so many talented people in show business and sports. Sly Stallone in “Rhinestone”, Michael Jordan in baseball, Lance Bass with women … you get the point. Joe Buck is a great announcer. One of the best in the business. Literally sports announcer royalty. But come on, dude, in what world did he think he could do this kind of show? His “opening” was weird, wobbly and NF (not funny). His interviewing style was stiffer than a kid interviewing his karate coach on a junior high TV show. And then the Artie thing just took it waaaay off the rails. I write comedy, sometimes stupid goofy comedy, and that’s what I am. Yes, I could try and write a “Law & Order” but why? I’m never going to be good at that.

“Joe Buck Live” now exists in a special place for me … joining Brittney and Kevin’s reality show on UPN, “Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip” and Eddie Murphy’s R&B album to name a few as pieces of entertainment that are literally so bad they must be watched.

I can’t wait for the next episode of “Joe Buck Live.” I heard his guests are a monkey who flings his poo on command, the Unabomber and Val Kilmer!

What ranks up there for you guys in horrible Hollywood highlights? Talk to me. Tell me what you think is Unwatchable Watchable TV.

The Lakers won (they did indeed). Kobe Bryant is the 14th coming of Michael Jordan (not quite). Lamar Odom is the most versatile player in the NBA (no). Phil Jackson is a genius (he might be). But do you want to know the real reason the Orlando Magic lost the NBA Championship ... Stan Van Gundy's mustache. Over the next couple days there is going to be a monumental amount written, said, Twittered, flickerd, sign-language-erd about why the Lakers won. I'm gonna let you in on a little secret ... it's all wrong. Here at SB2EB (that's what I'm calling the blog now -- the kids love the initials), we have done an exhaustive study on mustached vs. non-mustached coaches in championship games over the past 30 years and the facts do not lie*. Coaches with mustaches have won only 12.3 percent of the games. It's something like 1,148 to 93.33333 (that point three is a European League championship won by Mike D'Antoni so it only counts for that much).

These facts do not lie.*

Sure, Van Gundy could have had his team ready in Game One or drawn up a better play in Game Two or even told Jameer Nelson to foul Derek Fisher at the end of Game Four, but it wouldn't really have mattered. The series was decided the moment Van G looked in the mirror at his house, holding a Mach 3 razor in his hand, fingered his mustache a little and said, "I think I'm good." Done deal. End of story. Game over.

When is comes to the Coachstache (I just made that up, and I'm registering it so don't get any ideas) here are some things to mull over:

NFL. By far the most successful league for the coachstache. In the past 30 years, Bill Cowher, Mike Holmgren, Mike Ditka and Tony Dungy have won Super Bowl titles. But the NFL also has the highest ratio of coachstache to losers of any league. Romeo Crennel, Andy Reid, Jeff Fisher, Dave Wannstedt to name a few who have never won jack.

NBA. This one is a little tricky because of the Phil Jackson factor. He has changed his facial more than Lindsay Lohan changed sexual identities (Is that too low brow? How about, he has changed his facial hair more than President Obama has changed nominees for the Department of Health and Human Services ... yeah, political humor always goes over well in sports blogs). He won with a mustache, a beard, a goatee and soul patch and probably could have won with Rollie Fingers handlebar mustache or a Hitler mini-stache. But no other coach in the past 30 years has won with just a coachstache. Even Gregg Popovich won with a beard ... which was the right call for that dude. But Avery Johnson, D'Antoni, Eddie Jordan, Nate McMillan, Rick Adelman have a total of 0 championships between them.

MLB. In the past 30 years only Bob Brenly, Ozzie Guillen and Jim Leyland have won World Series titles while sporting the coachstache. And Ozzie is kinda of a d-bag, Brenly won with Randy Johnson and Curt Schilling so any random Porn Star or CHP officer could have won that and Leyland smokes cigarettes in the dugout ... I don't know what that has to do with anything.

NHL. Mike Keenan. Mustache+hair = A-Hole.

But because we are named after a movie starring two rockin' dudes with killer mustaches, a Mr. Ozone and a Mr. Turbo ... ... (which is what they would be referred to if this was an article in the New York Times), we aren't here to just bash the 'stache. So, for the first time ever, we present the Coachstache Awards:

The Mike Damone ("Mustache comin' in Rat?") It's Barely There But It's There Award goes to: Tony Dungy. You know, it's one of those that seems trimmed to an inch of it's life. Just barely hanging above the upper lip ... like they almost forgot to shave it off. Runner up: John Waters. Yeah, he's not a coach but I love that dude’s style.

The Stacy "I'm Just Covering Up A Hairlip But I Pull It Off" Keach Award goes to: Gregg Popovich. Face it. Dude is not that good looking. His skin is a little rough. He needs the beard. It works for him. Yeah, it's not a mustache but I'm putting it in. Runner up: Avery Johnson. It made him look at least 21 .. even though he was like 40.

The Magnum (what else needs to be said) Award goes to: Ditka. Is there anyone else? His mustache dared you to say anything. It was and still is the most intimidating 'stache in sports history. It's the facial hair equivalent of a big FU. Runner up: Bill Cowher.

By the way, I once tried to wear a mustache for a week. First day some dude at the gym asked if I wanted to join his church and buy steroids. I shaved the moment I got home.

* All these facts, in fact, do lie.

Apparently, Manny Ramirez is not the most interesting man in the world. Manny "I don't always take performance enhancing drugs, but when I do, it's HCG."

Manny cheated! I know people who haven't been this pissed since Greedo shot first. (If you don't know the reference, you are clearly not a nerd and may have had sex before college. Gredo is the green bounty hunter Han Solo kills in the first Star Wars. When they re-released the movie, George Lucas changed it so Gredo shot first. Apparently this made Han more of a hero ... I think it made him more of a pussy.) Here is the scene, recreated using claymation characters:



So Manny cheated. Seriously, who cares? Look, I'm not saying we should be un-thinking drones (Giants fans) and welcome him back with open arms and dread-locked heads ... but are we really surprised? Here is the one main thing everyone is forgetting about this whole situation: This is not sports anymore, it's entertainment. The sooner people realize it, the happier they will be. As someone who has spent 10 years working in the entertainment business, I am here to tell you that sports and entertainment have become one and the same.

Would you care if you found out Jennifer Aniston had her breasts enlarged and nose done in order to be a bigger movie star? Guess what, she did. OMG. She felt she needed that to be at the top of her game, and it worked. All you suckers went to see her and Owen Wilson get their acting asses handed to them by a dog.

I was once a writer and producer of a show where the star needed to lose weight. Instead of working out or dieting, they decided to eat a tapeworm. Yeah, that's right, a tapeworm! This is a huge, A-list star. The Hollywood equivalent of Manny Ramirez. She ate the tape worm, lost the weight and got paid. How is that so different than what Manny or A-Rod or Barry or Jason (Giambi but I liked the one name thing I had going) have done?

If you still don't want to believe me, let me give you two words: Keith and Richards. We all love the Stones. And their tours still gross millions and millions of dollars. Do you know what it takes to get Keith Richards ready to play a show. I don't have 100 percent proof, but I'm thinking it involves more shots than a Russian wedding.

From now on, do yourself a favor. When you watch sports, remember, it's no different than going to a concert, play or movie. If you have the same standards for your favorite sports star that you do your favorite movie or rock star, you'll be smarter and happier.

The Lakers lost. Blah, blah. A-Rod cheated in dodgeball in sixth grade by tipping his throws. Blah, blah. Favre might come back ... who cares?!!!!

The greatest thing ever has dropped right in our laps and I must share it with the world. It's a Matthew McConaughey movie called "Tiptoes." Here's the pitch: McConaughey and Gary Oldman are brothers. Wait, that's even not the best part. Gary Oldman plays a dwarf. In fact, everyone in McConaughey's family is a dwarf. I swear to God. The movie came out in Europe in 2003 and is just now coming on DVD here.

Here is the IMDB link ... Tiptoes

This is either the greatest hoax in the history of the world or my new all-time favorite craptastic movie. Here is the trailer for the movie.



It's not so much that the movie is about little people. It's how unbelievably melodramatic the storytelling is and how shoddy the production looks. But ... it's also about little people. And that is awesome!

Matty M must have either been stoned the entire time or just wanted a new beachhouse. Poor Kate Beckinsale sullies herself as well ... things haven't been this bad for her since "Serendipity." At least the awesome Peter Dinklage is getting work.

I haven't been this happy since "Under The Rainbow" came out on DVD.

I always wanted to be a webmaster. I used to want to be a "Beastmaster" but that was so 1982.

Actually, I have no idea what being a webmaster means but I've wanted to say it for so long. Or ... write it.

They say in this day and age, with the all the noise and clutter out there competing for your eyes, ears, brains and downstairs man-areas, you only have a few seconds to grab the audience’s attention ... which is why I am starting my blog with a BOOM.

I will be LIVE-BLOGGING the Washington vs. Pittsburgh Stanley Cup playoff game!

4:04 PM (West Coast style). The puck is dropped and ... I’m out. I will NEVER ... I repeat, EVER, live blog again.

So, you’re wondering what in the hell is a Sports Blog2: Electric Blog-aloo? Well, if you caught the reference (let’s call it an homage: Homage sounds better) then you are ready to ride the wave that is, according to my father, called “the computer Internet”. Of course, he also just left me a message saying he “saw the new X-Wolverines movie with the guy that hosted the Emmys” so he’s been known to get details wrong from time to time.

If you don’t recognize the reference, then watch this and you will be totally up to speed.



There. Now we are all ready. Here’s what you can expect from this blog:

1. Hard-hitting subjects like “Shaq: Most overrated player in the history of the NBA. Most under-rated actor/athlete in the history of movies.” Or “Why can’t sports be like an episode of “Entourage”? Or why breakfast sucks?

2. Open-minded conversation. A give and take between writer and audience. A safe haven to follow our new president’s lead and elevate the conversation. A chance to bag on myopic, idiotic, fat, dumbass, pasty, wearing-a-Youkilis-jersey-to-work-because-it’s-the-nicest-thing-you-own Boston fans. See how I elevated?

3. You will also be treated to a daily download of what I eat (orange, Trader Joe’s granola, tuna sandwich, Peeps), how many dropped calls on my iPhone (four today) and whether or not I flossed (I did not). Things that won’t be tolerated: jean shorts, fanny packs of any kind, cell phones and/or Blackberry’s/iPhone’s clipped to your belt (you can only look like an asshole if you are in the business of saving lives), cats, mustaches, water parks, the show “Weeds” and any band that has a number in their name ... MatchBox 20, Third Eye Blind, Five For Fighting ... you get it.

I will end my first post with a question: All-time greatest CRAPTASTIC MOVIE (I made up that word and own it)?

I say:

1. “Road House” – Swayze rips a dude's throat out.
2. “Armageddon” – Anything with Keith David and I’m in.
3. “Reign of Fire” – One word: Dragons. I will watch any movie with a sub or a dragon.

Have at it, people!