On The Fringe

Predicting the future is dicey business. A year ago who in their right mind would have possibly predicted that today Brett Favre would be wearing a Vikings uniform, Michael Vick would receive a Courage Award or Tomy Romo would have won a game in the month of December?

Undoubtedly it’s time to start looking forward, now that every single person in sports has come out with an end of the decade list. Thus I put on my prognosticator’s cap and take a shot at calling the future. The following are my predictions for the world of sports in 2010.

JANUARY
The Washington Generals win their first game since 1982 when they prevail over the New Jersey Nets 85-74.

ESPN officially changes its slogan to the Worldwide Leader In Adultery.

Three world leaders angrily walk out of the G-7 Summit when all the questions from the press deal with Tiger Woods.

FEBRUARY
The Vancouver Games on NBC become the first Olympics to be televised on what is now a public access channel.

In a misguided attempt to appeal to female viewers, NBC gets Olympic organizers to change the women’s speed skating event to a shoe-shopping contest.

Danica Patrick makes her NASCAR debut. Two hours later GoDaddy.com crashes due to a frenzy of interest from stock car fans.

Terrell Owens announces plans to donate his brain to science. An hour later, NFL Concussion Committee calls back and declines the offer.

The NBA All-Star game at Cowboys’ Stadium draws a record 100,000 fans, who go nuts when an entry in the slam dunk contest bounces the ball off the video board before driving it through the goal.

MARCH
Chad Ochocinco-Hachi Go shocks the world when he legally changes his name to Maury Zuckerman.

The NCAA basketball tournament is won by the “most veteran” team to make the Sweet 16. They start four freshmen and a sophomore.

Manny Pacquiao wins a spilt decision over Floyd Mayweather Jr. On the undercard Raiders coach Tom Cable knocks out his smallest assistant.

APRIL
April 4 - Major League Baseball Opening Day.

April 5 - Milton Bradley wears out his welcome in Seattle.

Based on an amazing time in the 40, Al Davis selects a New Zealand wallaby in the first round of the NFL Draft.

The draft comes to an end with the final pick, Mr. Irrelevant. Free safety Tim Tebow weeps when he learns it’s him.

After a call goes against her, Serena Williams eats a line judge. The ATP comes down swiftly and suspends Serena for three days, later amending the suspension to two hours.

The ATP issues a ruling in the Andre Agassi investigation, banning his fake mullet from all future events.

MAY
Jamie McCourt is caught sneaking into the Dodgers clubhouse wearing Manny dreads.

To get A-Rod out of an early-season slump, the Yankees sign Kate Hudson to a $20 million contract. She ends up wining two more games than Joba Chamberlain.

Hugh Hefner sells Playboy Magazine to Rick Pitino.

The ATP reverses last month's edict, and now says Agassi’s fake Mullet can make appearances at ATP events.

JUNE
Oprah’s attempt to get Mike Tyson to finally apologize to Evander Holyfield goes awry when Tyson bites off Holyfield’s little toe live on the air.

Tiger Woods, with his one remaining sponsor, Chia Pet Inc., explodes back on the scene with a victory in the U.S. Open.

The sausage race at Milwaukee Brewers games are halted for good when Prince Fielder catches and eats one of the sausages.

JULY
Mark Mangino achieves a measure of redemption when he wins the Fourth of July Coney Island hot dog eating contest, then goes out for dessert.

Late heavyweight champ Ingemar Johansson, who passed away earlier this year, announces he’s coming out of retirement. He says he can overcome the fact he’s dead by training extra hard.

At the Palms Hotel in Vegas, Michael Phelps sets yet another world record when he dates his 800th cocktail waitress, eclipsing Tigers Woods’ old mark.

The new Million Man march on the Capitol consists entirely of people insulted by Michael Jordan during his Hall of Fame acceptance speech.

AUGUST
Brett Favre announces he will come out of retirement at the end of two-a-days and play one more season.

The Rolling Stones criticize Favre for dragging out his retirement.

A mellower Rich Rodriguez gives in to critics and says he’ll allow Michigan players a brief water break between the fourth and fifth hours of practice.

SEPTEMBER
The world comes to a complete halt when it’s realized that Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian have been married for a full year.

Denver Broncos owner Pat Bowlen throws a “Sweet 16" party for coach Josh McDaniels.

The NCAA launches an investigation into the USC athletic department after two people on Forbes list of the Wealthiest Americans are Trojan recruits.

Indianapolis Colts coach Jim Caldwell is eliminated in the first round of Celebrity Jeopardy after he saves all his best answers for Double Jeopardy.

One hundred scholarship athletes at Florida State are suspended after they’re caught cheating on a test by using a satellite digital technology previously only available to NASA scientists.

OCTOBER
The unthinkable occurs during an ABC college football broadcast when Brent Musburger pronounces a player’s name correctly. Officials briefly stop the game to pay tribute.

Security at the Major League playoffs is beefed up to keep Chip Caray out.

An umpiring crew in the World Series is suspended indefinitely when they attempt to call a player offsides.

Kimbo Slice signs a large contract with UFC despite being knocked out by Morley Safer in his last fight.

NOVEMBER
Jay Cutler sits down for Thanksgiving dinner and attempts to pass the stuffing. The stuffing is intercepted.

The Iowa Hawkeyes become the first team to clinch the Big Ten football title while scoring all their points on field goals and safeties.

Usain Bolt wins a 200-meter dash against a Dodge Dart.

DECEMBER
On the eve of his first birthday Tom Brady and Gisele Bunchen’s son Benjamin receives a scholarship offer from Lane Kiffin.

NCAA begins an investigation when it’s learned Kiffin arranged for the Gerber Baby to “hostess” the Brady baby.

Ripley’s Believe It Or Not finds a basketball coach in the state of Kentucky with ethics.

Joe Paterno embarrasses Penn State when he says the Nittany Lions played well enough to earn a Gotham Bowl berth.

For the first time in their careers the fighting Klitschko brothers, Wladimir and Vitali, are giving subtle signals that they may be willing to face each other. What a thrill for sports fans. To see two buff, chiseled, muscle-bound, hulking siblings who are not the Williams sisters going toe-to-toe.

Boxing officials seem to be pushing for a Klitschko match. I see this as an overt attempt to compete with the bloodlust sports of MMA and Ultimate Fighting. How better to counter the fight club mentality of UFC than to feature actual brothers walloping on each other? This may also be the first unification bout in boxing history to feature a competitor shouting, “Mom always liked you better!”

Frankly, something has to be done to shake up the heavyweight division, which is about as popular with Americans as Jai-Alai and UFL football. Ask an average American to name three heavyweights and the typical response is probably, “Muhammed Ali. Mike Tyson. And George Foreman Grille.”

The situation is so dire the typical American can name more members of Congress than he can top fighters. People entering the witness protection program become heavyweight fighters so they’re never heard from again.

A big part of the malaise surrounding boxing is due to poor marketing. Consider last year’s slogan: “Top Rank Boxing, Almost As Exciting As New Coke.”

Also, the Klitschkos are that kiss of death for heavyweights - strategic, smart, slow, powerful, yet willing to pick their spots and leave it up to the judges if necessary. Somewhere along the way boxing fans decided that unless competitors leave the ring looking like they just spent the evening rolling around a clothes dryer full of razor blades it wasn’t a real fight. People today are not interested in the “Sweet Science.”

Exhibit A as to what we want in a heavyweight fighter is that one of the more popular heavyweights of the past couple decades is Butterbean, a guy who makes the Pillsbury Doughboy look like Franco Columbu, and whose idea of defense was blocking uppercuts with his nose. Butterbean’s fat-to-muscle body mass ratio looked like the account number I write on my check to the cable company. In interviews he appeared to have the intellect of a hubcap. And we loved him for it.

The tactical, advanced degree-holding Klitschkos don’t stand a chance. But fighting each other could change that.

I realize boxing has problems other than just a dormant heavyweight division. Americans may be slightly put off by some shadowy figures in boxing, and by “shadowy” of course I mean “hardened felons.” Sure, you’re not going to get a lot of model citizens here. This is a rough sport with a tendency to attract rough people. But that’s not dissimilar to the controlled violence of NFL football, and that seems to be sort of popular.

I really hope this Klitschko fight comes off. Beyond the spectacle aspect a Klitschko brothers bout would be intriguing on its own merits. Wladimir would seem to have the edge, but Vitali, who once led Lennox Lewis on all three scorecards before losing on a TKO could easily prevail.

Best of all this could pave the way for other sibling match ups. Who wouldn’t like to see Stephen Baldwin vs. William Baldwin in a “nut-off”? Or, a pay-per-view contest to see which Kardashian sister can force air in one ear and out the other the fastest?

Still cynical? Not excited about this potential fight? If you’re not a fan, I can state unequivocally that nothing in sport compares to the excitement and anticipation of a heavyweight title fight between two legitimate contenders. And I’m including Super Bowls and World Series. There’s a reason celebrities turn out for these things like they were an open house at the White House. You combine this with two brothers going at it and it may be the biggest sporting event in several years.

A potential stumbling block is that the brothers supposedly made a vow to Mom that they’d never fight each other. But vows to mothers can usually be countered with the right money.

Let’s hope the fight happens and happens soon. Wladimir is 33 and Vitali is 38 which for boxers means they only have about 20-25 good years left.

Thank you, I appreciate it. That appreciation doesn’t extend to everybody. It excludes Mr. Burton, the geezer who lived next door to my family in North Carolina when I was growing up. He used to chase me out of his yard and curse me. (Look to the heavens.) Hey, old man, look at me now! Your yard had crab grass, old man.

Speaking of old men, when I was a tiny tot Santa promised me a sled for Christmas and all I got was a matchstick car. I have the letter I wrote to Santa right here, dated November 30, 1967, to prove what I say. A week later, at the Wilmington mall, on the afternoon of December 14, Santa promised me the sled. (Turn to face the North Pole.) Hey, Claus, I’m a Hall of Famer now, so kiss my behind. What Hall of Fame are you in? You’re no saint, IMO.

Throughout my career I kept a photo of Santa taped to the inside of my locker for motivation. I’d look at it before big games, and imagine the man about to guard me was a jovial fat guy in a red and white suit.

Forget Claus. Folks, I always dreamt of this day, standing here, able to denigrate the little league coach who lifted me for a pinch hitter on June 3, 1971. He pulled me for Petey Schultz a guy with a .214 batting average! Over some stupid rule that every kid gets to play two innings? Hey, coach, I went on to play professional baseball,and once even got a hit.

Well, we’re not here to discuss my Little League coach. A man doesn’t get to the pinnacle of his profession without the will to win. And I certainly had that. (Pat self on back.) I’m glad I possessed the will to prove the naysayers wrong. I was drafted third out of North Carolina. Is Sam Bowie here tonight? Didn’t think so. It is the Hall of Fame, right? Heh-heh. Yes, old Sam, picked in the draft before myself. Do we have time for me to run down his career stats in their entirety? Well, we’ll save that for another speech.

I’d like to thank the people of Chicago with the following exceptions: Jerry Krause, Ed my old mailman, and the guy who forgot to plow my driveway after it snowed five inches on December 12, 1985, you know who you are. You forgot to plow the driveway of a Hall of Famer, chump. I paid you that month, did I not?

To all the young people watching, keep striving. Dare to be great. I say that to all young people except Hannah Montana. I don’t care about you, Hannah. I took my nephews and nieces to your concert on February 22, 2007 and you kept us waiting 44 minutes, 11 seconds for the show to start. Forty-four minutes, 11 seconds, Hannah. What’s up with that? I hereby publicly embarrass you.

In closing I’d like to read something. I hope I don’t get too emotional. (Put on reading glasses, and pull a paper from pocket for maximum emotional affect.) To the driver of the gray Oldsmobile, license plate number ZRT6Y3, who cut me off on the way from the airport, you’re a terrible driver. The worst! How do they even give this person a license? Isn’t there a test in this state? I was in my lane when all of a sudden this no-brain comes across the line ... well, what can you do?

Thank you again, folks. This is truly the greatest night of my life.