Armchair Beer Vendor

I don’t know if you can tell by my byline photo, but I’m a guy who enjoys a cheap haircut. That makes me a rarity here in L.A., where guys seem willing to shell out $100 for a shampoo and trim, plus another $20 for the accent égout on the sign out front.



But that’s not my style. I like my cuts super and my Sams fantastic. So when I found out my neighborhood had recently added a salon for men who want today’s styles at yesterday’s prices, I was intrigued. When I realized it was located within easy walking distance of my house, I got in my car and headed right over there.

I was not disappointed. The place is called “SportClips,” and let me tell you, it makes no frou-frou concessions to the fairer sex. I’m not aware of any ‘men only’ policy there, but as the sign out front announces, “Guys Win.” In fact, the national franchise’s website boasts “the ultimate just-for-guys haircut experience.”



See, SportClips knows guys. We want sports. We want them now. We realize there are times and places which just can’t accommodate all of our sports needs, but that doesn’t mean we’re okay with it. Am I right, fellas? Sure I am.



That’s where SportClips comes in. It's a growing company with over 600 franchises in 39 states, and the Encino, California location had a first-time customer on Tuesday. The moment I stepped into the place, I knew I never wanted to decline a little product anywhere else, ever again. Haircuts and sports. eHarmony couldn’t find a better match.

I wondered how someone came up with the idea to merge sports and hair care this way, and thought back to this really short documentary that for some reason they used to put on between cartoons when I was a kid. It was about the invention of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. You wouldn’t believe how it went down. Apparently, a guy eating a chocolate bar stumbled into a guy eating a jarful of peanut butter, inadvertently creating a new concoction, a blend equal parts Hershey and Carver. There was much dispute as to whether the one guy had gotten chocolate in the second guy’s peanut butter, or the second guy was to blame for the peanut butter now affixed to the fellow’s chocolate. But once the feuding ended, everyone was in agreement. These were two great tastes that tasted great together.

Why the history lesson? To showcase the kind of promotion your product can have on this page if you send me free stuff.

So, back to SportClips. I went in, and one look at the surroundings told me this was no ordinary hair salon. All the lockers in the room gave it the feel of, I don’t know, a locker room. Jerseys and banners hung on the walls above, and while prominent billing was given to the local clubs, sports fans from far and wide would feel at home amid the eclectic assortment of cities and teams represented.

But if you’re like me, you don’t go to a hair salon for a chance to look at some banners. You go for a chance to watch sports on TV. That’s why every one of my previous haircut experiences had been so disappointing.

Now get this, Boyos. SportClips has a small television screen at every station. I was there on a weekday morning, a time concurrent with few live sporting events. So ESPN News awaited me as I headed to the barber’s chair, and am I ever glad it did. No sooner had I sat down than did I learn that Richard Jefferson had been dealt to the Spurs. See? That’s the kind of thing I’d have learned only after my haircut at some other place.



The stylist then got down to business. She asked me how I’d like my hair cut. It struck a familiar chord, this woman wanting to discuss something insignificant with me as I tried to watch sports. It was a shrewd coaching ploy, designed to make my new surroundings no less comfortable than my living room on a rainy Sunday. It worked, I tell you. By the time a protective cloth was tucked into the collar of my t-shirt, I was fully at ease in this magical barn. I felt as natural as Tiger at Augusta, as relaxed as a Blue Devil in Cameron Indoor Stadium, as at home as a Cincinnati Bengal in Central Booking. I was fired up. Nobody was gonna come into MY house and ... I don’t know, get a better haircut or something.

Quickly, the buzz of the clippers drowned out the sound of the TV, an inevitable intrusion as necessary as the re-setting of noses on an NHL bench. And anyway, I was still kept abreast of the sports world’s breaking news. The lower-third graphic told of Manny Ramirez’s impending minor league debut, as it did to the follow-up announcement that Richard Jefferson had been traded to the Spurs.

Still, the relative quiet of the hair-cutting shears was a welcome successor to the clippers’ whine, and it was particularly well-timed. I’m not sure I heard the entire Rosetta Stone commercial, but I caught enough to get the gist of it. Then the news broadcast came back on, announcing that Richard Jefferson had been traded to the Spurs. ESPN’s Andy Katz weighed in briefly, then stepped aside as Michelle Bonner transitioned to the next item, stating that Manny Ramirez would play minor league ball tonight.

By this time I’d become oblivious to the skillful hair-fixing efforts of my stylist, and by the intro to the next story -- about Richard Jefferson’s trade to the Spurs -- she was ready to put down the sheers. Thus informed, I turned toward the mirror to assess her work. Indeed, my hair was shorter. That had been the game plan, and it was achieved with perfect execution.

I grabbed hold of the hand mirror she gave me, and as is my custom, pretended I knew how to position the thing so that, in conjunction with the wall mirror, I actually could see the back of my head. I was pretty sure she hadn’t attached a ponytail or some mullet locks, and that’s really all I ask of the hair back there. So I expressed my satisfaction.

The stylist pointed to an adjoining room; above its entryway was a tiled-wall that read “Showers.” She asked if I wanted the MVP service (which apparently consists of a post-haircut shampoo, a brief neck massage and a steamed towel). I demurred. I was undeserving of such recognition. This was a team effort, and I was just happy to get the HC. That’s the kind of guy I am. I don’t do what I do for any individual honors that cost more money.



I got up to pay, and it was not until I walked to the cash register that I noticed the souvenirs. That’s right, gents. SportClips is more than just a lid factory. They sell stuff, too. Everything from pencils with basketball erasers to pencils with football erasers. I was also intrigued by this miniature, cardboard cutout Ryan Theriot office desk accessory, but I don’t know where you're supposed to put something like that.

Ultimately, I would leave empty-handed. But while my appetite for sports-themed novelty items was unsatisfied, my thirst for shorter hair was anything but. A good haircut at a good price, with the sports atmosphere that we fellas demand.

On my way out the door, I told the stylist I’d be back soon. But I don’t think she heard me. She was facing the TV, focussed on ESPN News, which was reporting that Richard Jefferson had been traded to the Spurs.