Armchair Beer Vendor

I was happy with my lawn. It had always served my kids, my dog and my jarts with aplomb.

As far as I was concerned, one couldn’t ask for a better patch of sun-drenched greenery of which to be vaguely aware while watching TV inside. But as they’ve done for so many baseball fans over the years, the New York Yankees have come along to ruin my summer.



On Thursday morning, in a desperate attempt to avoid being productive and to justify my presence on the couch, I fired up the ol’ satellite dish in search of some sports viewing. I landed on the YES Network, whose pinstriped heros were in Minnesota to take on the Twins. It was a dream matchup for those who dream about Yankees/Twins games. I was hooked.

But no sooner had I remained seated than a commercial came on for Stadium Associates Authentic New York Yankees Grass Seed. You read me right, folks. You can now seed your lawn with the Kentucky bluegrass mixture they use in the House That Albaladejo Built.



I shouldn’t have been surprised by this. I’d read that a Yankees fan had planted some Bombers’ seed in Fenway Park. It happened back in May at a Phish concert. Grass gets smuggled in to such events all the time, but it’s not usually the legal kind. Anyway, this Johnny Big Appleseed had the idea that such an act would help tilt the race in the A.L. East back in the Yankees’ direction. I’d ask what the guy was smoking, but again, it was a Phish concert.



I’m not sure how I’d imagined that this guy had scored a bag of such exclusive grass kernel. It had never occurred to me, though, that Yankee turf could be mine as well. And yours, my friend. And yours.

Now, be forewarned. They don’t just give away bags of this special seed. Whereas a three-pound sack of ordinary Kentucky bluegrass seed can be had for a price of roughly $10, this authentic Yankee stuff’ll run you a bit more than that. The going rate for a three-ounce bag seems to be around $15. So if my math is correct -- never a given, mind you -- three pounds of the stuff would come to over $250.



But tough economic times such as these practically demand overpriced, novelty lawn-care products. So, dig into those savings. College fund, shmollege fund. 401K, shmour01K. Gold bricks in the safe behind that bookshelf in your home library, shmold bricks in the safe behind that book ... well, okay, you get the idea. So get going. Yank up your yard.

That’s what I’m going to do. No, I won’t have an expert grounds crew attending to my lawn’s every need. And there will be no state-of-the-art, perfectly calibrated irrigation and sprinkler system to nurture that plot of earth into an MLB-caliber field. But I’ll be sure to clean up after my dog a few times a week. I’ll gladly stencil “No Pepper” on the side of my house. And I’ll make sure my kids never step on that sod again, swing set be damned.

My backyard doesn’t have the dimensions of a reasonable baseball stadium. But neither does Fenway, and people seem to like that place. And, despite the absence of an infield, a pitcher’s mound and a Monument Park, my space back there will have much in common with Yankee Stadium. There will be beer. There will be swearing. There will be no clutch hitting by A-Rod.

But for such pleasure, there must first be pain. Don’t let the appearance of the Twins’ Metrodome fool you -- a baseball venue doesn’t get snapped together overnight.



Cultivating a little piece of Yankee Stadium in my backyard will pretty much take over my life for the foreseeable future. So my next few months will be bereft of the typical summertime backyard fun. No swimming pool. No Slip ‘n’ Slide. No chimp in a funny hat and sunglasses drinking through a straw.





Yes, there will be sacrifices. And where three ounces of grass seed are concerned, $15 dollars ain’t chump change. But that's how it should be. I mean, what kind of chump would actually spend his change on authentic Yankee grass?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ITEM: This isn't sports news in the traditional sense, but it must be chronicled. About an hour ago, my 8-year old son managed to get a Lego stuck up his nose. The foreign body was eventually expelled by forceful exhalation, and I'm happy to report that both boy and brick are recovering nicely.