Armchair Beer Vendor

I won’t lie to you, folks. I love a good nickname. Why you’d call someone “John” when “Skippy” is out there is beyond me. If you know a really huge, bald guy and have dubbed him neither “Tiny” nor “Curly,” I’d rather not know you. And if you haven’t slapped a gratuitous ‘y’ to the end of at least half of your buddies’ last names? I don’t care if you drive a Prius. You’re making this planet a far worse place.

But nowhere is a nickname more important than in the world of sports, where a well-crafted nom de field can make the difference between a good career and one that lives on for generations to come.

Don’t get me wrong. George Herman Ruth would be forever remembered as a power-hitting superstar. But let’s face it: “The Babe” is who you tell your grandchildren about. In fact, Ruth was such a larger than life figure that one nickname wasn’t enough. He was also “The Bambino” or, if you preferred alliteration, “The Sultan of Swat.” The nicknames of Ted “The Splendid Splinter” Williams and “Joltin’” Joe DiMaggio will speak for decades to come of those players’ prowess at the plate. And who will ever forget the diamond heroics of Hensley “Bam-Bam” Meulens? Not I, my friends. Not I.

Sports history is all the richer for the color such names add. To basketball fans, sharpshooting “Pistol Pete” Maravich would be legendary regardless of his snazzy moniker, as would the long drink of water known as Wilt “The Stilt” Chamberlain. But I imagine memories of, say, shot-blocking center Marvin Webster will hang on his handle, “The Human Eraser.”

In hockey days of yore, Maurice “Rocket” Richard led the Montreal Canadiens to eight Stanley Cups. His brother, Henri was with that legendary franchise for an NHL-record 11 Cups. But to many, he’ll best be remembered as “The Pocket Rocket.” In more recent years, Madison Square Garden has been home to Rangers “Lucky Pierre” LaRouche, Mark “The Messiah” Messier, and Daniel “Dan” Girardi.

And football? Ah, football. So many nicknames. Elroy “Crazy Legs” Hirsch. “Mean Joe” Greene. Walter “Sweetness” Payton. And just try to forget the footwear of choice for Billy “White Shoes” Johnson. Bet you can’t do it.

Football history is chockablock with classic nicknames. But as with the NBA, where Kevin “K.G.” Garnett has become a star, or MLB, which has seen Garrett “G.A.” Anderson enjoy a long career as a fan favorite, it is also true for the NFL that such endearing sobriquets are not a thing of the past. Terrell Owens’ catchy “T.O.” epithet rolls easily off the tongues of even his biggest detractors. And by referring to himself as “A.P.”, better-than-average linebacker Antonio Pierce sounds positively Canton-bound.

And now that NFL training camps are in full swing, there are first-year players aplenty who can only benefit from a truly top-notch handle. So, I’m here to help. I’ve got some nicknames that I think can really set some of this season’s rookies apart from the crowd.

Mark Sanchez, QB, New York Jets

He may have been the second quarterback picked in 2009, but no first-round draft pick has any higher expectations to live up to than Mark Sanchez. The Jets traded up to grab the former USC signal-caller with the fifth overall pick, and within hours New York sporting-goods stores had his jersey hanging in the window. His golden arm, dark good looks and leadership ability have attracted comparisons to “Broadway Joe” Namath. But it’s not Broadway so much as Madison Avenue that has its sights set on Mark Sanchez. Because football is not all that makes this born leader the kind of fellow he is. There’s also his proud Mexican-American Heritage, the very reason the Trojan band used to play “El Matador” as its hero took the field. So when it comes to hanging a name on the Jets blue-chipper, there’s really just one choice. From here on, I intend to call Sanchez by the epithet he was born to wear: “M.S.”

Now, it may surprise you to know that the Jets aren’t the only team to play their home games at Giants Stadium. And with the it-would-be-funny-were-it-not-so-felonious demise of the Jints’ No. 1 deep threat, Plaxico Burress, Big Blue looked to the draft to fill that hole.

Hakeem Nicks, WR, New York Giants

The former Carolina Tar Heel doesn’t stand out for his down-the-field speed, but his sticky hands and contortionist abilities made him a legitimate first rounder. Ol’ Sticky Nicks, a veritable Stretch Handstrong, happens to have a surname that’s a homonym for Knicks, the semi-pro basketball team that also calls The Big Apple home. So, the newest of New York Nicks is ready-made for a nickname that never sleeps. I therefore propose that Hakeem Nicks now be known as “H.N.”

Ramses Barden, WR, New York Giants

Another contender for a wideout spot on the G-Men’s squad is third-round pick Ramses Barden. At Cal Poly, the product of Altadena, CA, played against second-tier competition. And he doesn’t have blazing speed. But he moves extremely well for a guy with a body like his; one that measures 6’6” and packs 229 lbs. of pure muscle. So he’s an intriguing prospect, this giant Giant chiseled from stone who became known at the NFL combine as “The Beast.” Thus, if he does stick around, we won’t have to look far to find Barden’s perfect nickname. It’s “R.B.”



Speaking of RBs,

Knowshon Moreno, RB, Denver Broncos

Great lateral quickness. Fantastic leaping ability. A knack for eluding tacklers. There’s much to like in this tailback out of the University of Georgia. And if ever there were somebody demanding to be called “K.M.”, this is the guy.

Tyson Jackson, DE, Kansas City Chiefs

This mountain of a man (6-4, 295) may lack exemplary speed, but he sheds blocks artfully and has the size and strength necessary to stack at the point of attack. He hustles after the ball carrier, and while he’s labeled a defensive end, he possesses the kind of versatility that can make him useful on the inside, as well. So, Kansas City, meet “T.J.”

Chris Wells, RB, Arizona Cardinals

The former Ohio State Buckeye has impressive size, strength, vision, balance and acceleration. If he doesn’t sound familiar, you undoubtedly know him as “Beanie” Wells, the pet name by which he’s gone from nearly the moment of his birth until today. When we will now discard it for the superior “C.W.”

I could go on. In fact, I went up and down the entire list of players attending their first training camps, and I’m proud to say I’ve crafted a nickname for each and every one of them. But given that so many will have turned in their playbooks by the time the regular season starts, I won’t make you learn them all. Do, however, keep an eye out for Brian “B.C.” Cushing, Michael “M.C.” Crabtree, and Darrius “D.H.B.” Heyward-Bey.

I’m not yet sure which of the above prospects will become NFL stars. But I’m sure some of them will. And under the cloak of protective headgear and oversized pads, these players will have to use every tool at their disposal if they hope to establish their own individuality. A good nickname can be just that tool, branding a great team player as a unique individual. Just ask Lawrence “L.T.” Taylor.

Or LaDainian “L.T.” Tomlinson.