Sports Blog 2: Electric Blog-aloo

Tiger has lost the "Dude" vote.

I'm not talking about "The Dude" from "The Big Lebowski." I'm talking about all those dudes out there that have defended Tiger for the last six months. But that is over ...

Because he went to a Nickelback concert. Nickelback!!!!!! Are you kidding me?

For years, the Dudes said, "Well, yeah, Tiger's kind of an a-hole and he doesn't sign autographs or high-five the galleries like Mickelson but he is awesome so it's cool." The Dudes even gave Tiger a pass on the steroid rumors, saying people are just jealous because Tiger works out so hard and even, even, if maybe he took something, it doesn't help sink that seven-foot birdie putt on 18 at Augusta.

Then last Thanksgiving happened. And all the stories and the skanks and the statements and the skanks came out. And even if the Dudes weren't vocal about it, they still were in Tiger's corner. They rationalized by saying, "Look, it's not cool to cheat on your wife, but I get it." They thought ... "Tiger's a world famous athlete, women throw themselves at him, at some point, he's going to break down. I probably would do the same thing."

The bottom line for the Dudes was, if Tiger comes back and still rips it on the course, I don't care about anything else. And he came back to the Masters and played pretty well. So, everything in the "Dude World" was cool. Until Nickelback.

Nickelback???!!!! They are Canadian. Name one awesome Canadian rock band -- and Bryan Adams doesn't count. And Rush is cool but old. Look at these guys.

Horrible. Daughtry thinks they are soft. Creed wants their facial hair back. No man should ever wear jeans that tight. Dude, Tiger, what are you doing? Think about it, man. This is your first night out. Your first foray back into the real world, outside a golf tournament and your compound in Orlando, and this is what you choose. Was there not a Jonas Brothers concert that night?

Dudes are not down with the Nickelback. Why not go see a showing of "Hot Tub Time Machine" or even hit an Orlando Magic playoff game? Hell, you could go shopping at a Bed, Bath and Beyond, then stop for tea and cookies and finish it off with a trip to the Bead Store and it would still be better than a Nickelback concert?

To quote a line from a Nickelback song, "This is how you remind me of what Tiger really is. Not a Dude." Or something like that ... the song was only on the radio four hundred million times, I might have gotten it wrong. I will leave you with great video of Nickelback getting booed off the stage in Portugal. By the way, Portugal just became my favorite country.

So how did Zach do? How did my 6-month-old baby son, who can't read or write or hold down a job -- hell, he can barely sit up -- do picking all of the NBA games from the final night of the NBA season? Not bad. Not bad at all.

He finished 7-7. Technically, the Dallas game opened at -7, but was -6.5 at tipoff, so we will give that one to the little guy.

Seriously, think about that for a moment. A baby, grabbing names out of hat like they were a shiny chew toy, just went 50 percent in picking professional basketball games. Wow.

What does this prove? First, the bookmakers in Vegas are really, really good. This is exactly what they want to happen. You bet 14 games, you win seven, they win seven ... but they really win. Because they make money on every bet. Second, it's almost impossible to consistently win money gambling on the NBA. Don't do it.

The true pro gamblers bet mostly on college football and basketball. Why? Because there are more games, which means there are more chances for the average guy to know more about each team than the Vegas guys. Hell, I paid for the spring break skiing trip one year just betting on Ivy League hoops games.

Stay tuned for the fall, when Zach picks NFL games by what piece of paper he puts in his mouth. Who knows, I might just start selling his picks. And then HE CAN BE LIKE GARY COLEMAN IN "ON THE RIGHT TRACK"! A dad always wants more for his son than he could have ever dreamed.

I will leave you with DJ Steve Porter's awesome Allen Iverson Rap mix. Enjoy and watch the whole thing.

I used to be a degenerate. I used to gamble on everything. Second half WNBA games. Arena League preseason over/unders. Dog racing. When I was a little kid, my grandfather used to take me to the track and I loved it. My favorite movie was "On The Right Track." Remember? Gary Coleman played a kid who lived in the lockers at a train station. Turns out he had a magical ability to pick horses and becomes a celebirty. Norman Fell from "Three's Company" plays the mayor. Awesome movie.

But even I wouldn't gamble on the NBA. It's almost impossible. Not when teams are down by 30 on the back end of week-long road trip (usually the Clippers), then put in Steve Novak, who hits seven threes, and they lose by eight ... when the line was nine. Betting the NBA is for suckers ... and betting the NFL, well, people would be better off just burning their money.

So, now we come to the last day of the regular season. Teams are either jockeying for playoff position, tanking for draft position or fighting in the locker room (hello, Chicago Bulls). These games are either waayy too tight to call or impossible to predict. But still, there are millions of degenerates out there who will gamble on the games tonight.

Here is what I propose. I am going to put all the names of the teams playing tonight in a hat, then I will let my 6-MONTH-OLD SON PICK THE NAMES OUT THE HAT. Whoever he picks, I will take 50 bucks and make small bets on each of the games. I can't go bigger than that, I got a kid now and he goes through diapers like a fat man goes through free peanuts at a bar.

First pick is: The Philadelphia 76ers. They play Orlando tonight, who needs a win to clinch the second-best record in the NBA. Philly is getting 11. Zach has already screwed me, and he's putting the piece of paper in his mouth. Sweet.
Pick No. 2: New Jersey Nets. They are getting 6.5 at Miami. Dwayne Wade and Jermaine O'Neal are doubtful. Okay, things are looking up.
Pick No. 3: Indiana Pacers. At Washington. The Pacers are giving 2. Anyone who pays money to go to to this game is either really rich, really bored or related to Danny Granger.
Pick No. 4: Toronto Raptors. At home vs. the Knicks. Giving 7.5. They need a win to possibly make the playoffs. I like this pick.
Pick No. 5: Los Angeles Clippers. Ouch. They are +7 "at home" vs. the Lakers. Kobe, Kareem, Jerry West and Magic are all not playing for the Lakers. Maybe I have a chance.
Pick No. 6: Utah Jazz giving 6 at home vs. the Suns. This is one of the best games of the night. I like Utah to win but not to cover. Zach is now eating both of his hands.
Pick No. 7: New Orleans +7 at Houston. I would rather watch "The Marriage Ref" but I will take Chris Paul.
Pick No. 8: Dallas -7 at home against the Spurs. Serious playoff jockeying going on here. Zach clearly does not like this pick because he just threw up all over me.
Pick No. 9: Cleveland +6 at Atlanta. J.J. Hickson is my god tonight. I miss Mark Price's short shorts by the way.

Pick No. 10: Bucks on the road giving 2 to the Celtics. I don't understand this line but I will take the Bucks. Wait, is Paul Pressey still playing for them?
Pick No. 11: Memphis getting 7 at OK City. I have absolutely nothing to say about this game except Omaha is kind of close to OK City and it smells like old meat.
Pick No. 12: Minnesota at home giving 2.5 to Detroit. Um ... ouch.
Pick No. 13: Bulls minus 1.5 at Charlotte. I love this pick. Bulls need to win to make the playoffs. I will also take John Paxson over Vinny Del Negro in three rounds or less.
Pick No. 14: Golden State getting 10 at Portland. It means nothing to anyone on these teams but Zach and I love Stephen Curry so we are happy.

Okay, to recap, here are my son Zach's picks:

Philly + 11, Nets + 6.5, Pacers - 2, Raptors - 7.5, Clippers + 7, Utah - 6, Hornets + 7, Dallas - 7, Cleveland + 6, Bucks - 2, Grizz + 7, Minny - 2.5, Bulls - 1.5, Warriors + 10

I will leave you with the opening of the greatest gambling movie of all time: "Let It Ride"