How come Orlando lost? It's time to Bash The 'Stache
- Monday, June 15, 2009 4:01 PM
- Written By: Josh Bycel
The Lakers won (they did indeed). Kobe Bryant is the 14th coming of Michael Jordan (not quite). Lamar Odom is the most versatile player in the NBA (no). Phil Jackson is a genius (he might be). But do you want to know the real reason the Orlando Magic lost the NBA Championship ... Stan Van Gundy's mustache.
Over the next couple days there is going to be a monumental amount written, said, Twittered, flickerd, sign-language-erd about why the Lakers won. I'm gonna let you in on a little secret ... it's all wrong. Here at SB2EB (that's what I'm calling the blog now -- the kids love the initials), we have done an exhaustive study on mustached vs. non-mustached coaches in championship games over the past 30 years and the facts do not lie*. Coaches with mustaches have won only 12.3 percent of the games. It's something like 1,148 to 93.33333 (that point three is a European League championship won by Mike D'Antoni so it only counts for that much).
These facts do not lie.*
Sure, Van Gundy could have had his team ready in Game One or drawn up a better play in Game Two or even told Jameer Nelson to foul Derek Fisher at the end of Game Four, but it wouldn't really have mattered. The series was decided the moment Van G looked in the mirror at his house, holding a Mach 3 razor in his hand, fingered his mustache a little and said, "I think I'm good." Done deal. End of story. Game over.
When is comes to the Coachstache (I just made that up, and I'm registering it so don't get any ideas) here are some things to mull over:
NFL. By far the most successful league for the coachstache. In the past 30 years, Bill Cowher, Mike Holmgren, Mike Ditka and Tony Dungy have won Super Bowl titles. But the NFL also has the highest ratio of coachstache to losers of any league. Romeo Crennel, Andy Reid, Jeff Fisher, Dave Wannstedt to name a few who have never won jack.
NBA. This one is a little tricky because of the Phil Jackson factor. He has changed his facial more than Lindsay Lohan changed sexual identities (Is that too low brow? How about, he has changed his facial hair more than President Obama has changed nominees for the Department of Health and Human Services ... yeah, political humor always goes over well in sports blogs). He won with a mustache, a beard, a goatee and soul patch and probably could have won with Rollie Fingers handlebar mustache or a Hitler mini-stache. But no other coach in the past 30 years has won with just a coachstache. Even Gregg Popovich won with a beard ... which was the right call for that dude. But Avery Johnson, D'Antoni, Eddie Jordan, Nate McMillan, Rick Adelman have a total of 0 championships between them.
MLB. In the past 30 years only Bob Brenly, Ozzie Guillen and Jim Leyland have won World Series titles while sporting the coachstache. And Ozzie is kinda of a d-bag, Brenly won with Randy Johnson and Curt Schilling so any random Porn Star or CHP officer could have won that and Leyland smokes cigarettes in the dugout ... I don't know what that has to do with anything.
NHL. Mike Keenan. Mustache+hair = A-Hole.
But because we are named after a movie starring two rockin' dudes with killer mustaches, a Mr. Ozone and a Mr. Turbo ...
... (which is what they would be referred to if this was an article in the New York Times), we aren't here to just bash the 'stache. So, for the first time ever, we present the Coachstache Awards:
The Mike Damone ("Mustache comin' in Rat?") It's Barely There But It's There Award goes to: Tony Dungy. You know, it's one of those that seems trimmed to an inch of it's life. Just barely hanging above the upper lip ... like they almost forgot to shave it off. Runner up: John Waters. Yeah, he's not a coach but I love that dude’s style.
The Stacy "I'm Just Covering Up A Hairlip But I Pull It Off" Keach Award goes to: Gregg Popovich. Face it. Dude is not that good looking. His skin is a little rough. He needs the beard. It works for him. Yeah, it's not a mustache but I'm putting it in. Runner up: Avery Johnson. It made him look at least 21 .. even though he was like 40.
The Magnum (what else needs to be said) Award goes to: Ditka. Is there anyone else? His mustache dared you to say anything. It was and still is the most intimidating 'stache in sports history. It's the facial hair equivalent of a big FU. Runner up: Bill Cowher.
By the way, I once tried to wear a mustache for a week. First day some dude at the gym asked if I wanted to join his church and buy steroids. I shaved the moment I got home.
* All these facts, in fact, do lie.
