Sports Blog 2: Electric Blog-aloo

I used to be a degenerate. I used to gamble on everything. Second half WNBA games. Arena League preseason over/unders. Dog racing. When I was a little kid, my grandfather used to take me to the track and I loved it. My favorite movie was "On The Right Track." Remember? Gary Coleman played a kid who lived in the lockers at a train station. Turns out he had a magical ability to pick horses and becomes a celebirty. Norman Fell from "Three's Company" plays the mayor. Awesome movie.

But even I wouldn't gamble on the NBA. It's almost impossible. Not when teams are down by 30 on the back end of week-long road trip (usually the Clippers), then put in Steve Novak, who hits seven threes, and they lose by eight ... when the line was nine. Betting the NBA is for suckers ... and betting the NFL, well, people would be better off just burning their money.

So, now we come to the last day of the regular season. Teams are either jockeying for playoff position, tanking for draft position or fighting in the locker room (hello, Chicago Bulls). These games are either waayy too tight to call or impossible to predict. But still, there are millions of degenerates out there who will gamble on the games tonight.

Here is what I propose. I am going to put all the names of the teams playing tonight in a hat, then I will let my 6-MONTH-OLD SON PICK THE NAMES OUT THE HAT. Whoever he picks, I will take 50 bucks and make small bets on each of the games. I can't go bigger than that, I got a kid now and he goes through diapers like a fat man goes through free peanuts at a bar.

First pick is: The Philadelphia 76ers. They play Orlando tonight, who needs a win to clinch the second-best record in the NBA. Philly is getting 11. Zach has already screwed me, and he's putting the piece of paper in his mouth. Sweet.
Pick No. 2: New Jersey Nets. They are getting 6.5 at Miami. Dwayne Wade and Jermaine O'Neal are doubtful. Okay, things are looking up.
Pick No. 3: Indiana Pacers. At Washington. The Pacers are giving 2. Anyone who pays money to go to to this game is either really rich, really bored or related to Danny Granger.
Pick No. 4: Toronto Raptors. At home vs. the Knicks. Giving 7.5. They need a win to possibly make the playoffs. I like this pick.
Pick No. 5: Los Angeles Clippers. Ouch. They are +7 "at home" vs. the Lakers. Kobe, Kareem, Jerry West and Magic are all not playing for the Lakers. Maybe I have a chance.
Pick No. 6: Utah Jazz giving 6 at home vs. the Suns. This is one of the best games of the night. I like Utah to win but not to cover. Zach is now eating both of his hands.
Pick No. 7: New Orleans +7 at Houston. I would rather watch "The Marriage Ref" but I will take Chris Paul.
Pick No. 8: Dallas -7 at home against the Spurs. Serious playoff jockeying going on here. Zach clearly does not like this pick because he just threw up all over me.
Pick No. 9: Cleveland +6 at Atlanta. J.J. Hickson is my god tonight. I miss Mark Price's short shorts by the way.

Pick No. 10: Bucks on the road giving 2 to the Celtics. I don't understand this line but I will take the Bucks. Wait, is Paul Pressey still playing for them?
Pick No. 11: Memphis getting 7 at OK City. I have absolutely nothing to say about this game except Omaha is kind of close to OK City and it smells like old meat.
Pick No. 12: Minnesota at home giving 2.5 to Detroit. Um ... ouch.
Pick No. 13: Bulls minus 1.5 at Charlotte. I love this pick. Bulls need to win to make the playoffs. I will also take John Paxson over Vinny Del Negro in three rounds or less.
Pick No. 14: Golden State getting 10 at Portland. It means nothing to anyone on these teams but Zach and I love Stephen Curry so we are happy.

Okay, to recap, here are my son Zach's picks:

Philly + 11, Nets + 6.5, Pacers - 2, Raptors - 7.5, Clippers + 7, Utah - 6, Hornets + 7, Dallas - 7, Cleveland + 6, Bucks - 2, Grizz + 7, Minny - 2.5, Bulls - 1.5, Warriors + 10

I will leave you with the opening of the greatest gambling movie of all time: "Let It Ride"