Backfield Penetration

It’s very difficult to concentrate on anything during an extended Phillies’ playoff run. I learned that last year, and the same is true right now. Luckily, I’ve been distracted by one of the busiest weeks of work ever. I wasn’t even able to watch the Phils clinch live on Monday night. What was I doing that was so important? Take a look ...



The Frenchman was telling me the other day about a short-lived talk show featuring a straight comedian who was told by the network that he “tested well with the gays.” Welcome to my world. Here’s a clip from my Tuesday night event featuring Cosmo’s 50 Hottest Bachelors.



And don’t even get me started on the one-on-one interview I did with Valerie Bertinelli yesterday. I referenced two episodes of Oprah so convincingly; she believed I’d actually watched them. Sigh…

I’m so stoked the LCS begins tonight so I can have a bunch of dudes over for some good old masculine fun. I might even remove my shirt if my beard, er, my wife goes to sleep. What? Excuse me?

As I mentioned, I was working on Monday night, so I watched Game 4 of the NLDS on DVR. That was one of the most exciting sporting events I’ve ever had the pleasure of seeing. I feel lucky that DVR technology changed the way we watch TV.

Of all the memorable highlights from the ’08 playoffs, in hindsight, the real standout was the 8th inning of NLCS Game 4. The game tying two-run shot that Victorino hit off of Cory Wade, followed by the go-ahead moon shot by professional hitter Matt Stairs off that chump Broxton, were as good as it gets.

Those monstrous dongs had nothing on the two-out, 9th inning double by Ryan Howard on Monday night.

That was so sick. And how about Lidgey dropping the hammer on Tulowitzki for the final out? Unreal. These Phillies are inspiring.

I’ve been thinking about something Bill Simmons has written about recently, the idea of being “historically good.” Well, the Phillies may well be “historically good.”

I read this morning that they are the first NL team since the Braves in ’96 to win a playoff series after winning the World Series. They’re the second team to do so since the Big Red Machine in the 70s and only the third to do so since the 1920s.

Objectively, this is one of the strongest top-to-bottom teams I’ve ever seen. The starting pitching is as good as any in the majors -- especially if the birth of his first child means the return of vintage ’08 Hamels. Lee is so nasty. Happ, Blanton and Pedro are all solid.

If Lidgey and Chan Ho are back, the bullpen is excellent. Durbin, Madson, Eyre and whatever starters are available are all proven and effective.

The defense, particularly up the middle, is an undeniable strength.

The order 1-7 is tougher to get through than Christopher Street on Pride Day. At 7-8, you’ve got Pete Happy and Chooch - both very dangerous hitters.

What may be the most impressive is their collective approach. They’re just so even and patient, up and down the lineup and throughout the staff.

J.A. Happ is incredibly impressive for such a young guy. And the methodical way he pitches? What poise ...

How about Raul Ibanez and his approach at the plate? Those walks that he coaxed against the Rockies in Games 3 and 4 were some of the best at-bats I remember watching. Could he be any better than Pat the Bat? So great!

I could go on forever. I love this team. The happiness that I derive from this group of strapping, athletic men is most ironic. Words can’t do justice to how much they mean to me and every Philly sports fan.

So watch out, you cheesy, fair-weather L.A. douchenozzles. Whatya gonna do when Red October runs wild on you?

“Who’s the bitch now, Santy Claus?”

Here’s what's up …

-"The Hills" featured a band called Morning Wood the other night. What I had this morning was not normal morning wood. It was a raging, playoff-gameday boner. I was harder than Mike Piazza at the Barney's warehouse sale. Wooooooooooo!

-I can totally start a column by talking about my piece. I’m not showing a picture, am I? Hmmm …

-Is it 2:37pm yet? I hope that the Phils aren’t running into the same buzzsaw they ran into in ’07. Hopefully that WFC pedigree means something.

-That Twins-Tigers elimination game last night was one of the most exciting baseball games I’ve ever seen. It was sloppy, but both teams left everything on the field.

-It was a great idea to build the Metrodome with a white roof because it totally has given the Twinkies home-field advantage over the years. They didn’t lose a home game (or win a road game) in their two World Series wins. I wonder if something will be built into their new home that will give them an advantage like that?

-If I were a Tigers fan I’d be PISSED. Home plate ump Randy Marsh blew so many calls, the most egregious error being the missed HBP on Inge with the bases juiced. Oof. He was terrible on balls and strikes too. I hope that he’s not umping any more postseason games.

-My wife, a relative baseball newb, thought that the missed HBP was "f***ing bulls***" and she doesn't understand why baseball doesn't institute replay to take the human error out of the game. She's right. The result of that incredible game shouldn't have hinged on Randy Marsh's declining eyesight.

-It’s amazing that Trey and Matt named Stan’s dad 'Randy Marsh.' To a fan of the obscure minutiae of baseball, this is almost as good a name as 'George Michael Bluth.' Randy Marsh has become one of the best characters on South Park over the last few years.



-This Braylon Edwards sh*t is hilarious! You couldn’t write it any better. “There’s only room for one of us in this town, LeBron. I’m going to punch your 130 lb friend so I can get traded to New York.”

-What’s the deal with NFL wideouts anyway? If egomania was currency, these guys would be richer than the Elders of Zion.

-Eric Mangini is going through problems the way I go through Valtrex. He might be one and done in Cleveland.

-Elders of Zion? Valtrex? Is this a sports column or a vaudeville act?

-Who knew that Marvin Harrison was Stringer Bell? He was always thought of as a WR who did things the right way. It’s crazy that he’s a stone cold thug.

-The Nightmare on Elm Street trailer doesn’t look scary but the Shutter Island trailer sure does.

-I’m looking forward to seeing Cold Souls. I think Paul Giamatti is the best. Enjoy this 'Classic Cut' of me interviewing him at The Illusionist premiere.



-I’m glad that I picked Aaron Rodgers. He’s the No. 2 scoring player in fantasy, and is going to be chucking it up all season long. Picking Eddie Royal two picks ahead of Vincent Jackson? Not so much.

-I hope they bring back the 'Saved by Zero' commercials. Saved by zero, Saved by zero …

-Will Michael Crabtree’s signing make the surprising Niners any better? It should. Shaun Hill doesn't have a real WR threat besides him.

-After watching the first three episodes of Season 1, I’m sad to say that Mad Men is f***ing boooooring. Don’t believe the hype. Watch Dewey Cox five times instead.



I’ll tell you what else …

-Flyboys are looking great! They gave the eventual Stanley Cup champs a run for their money in the playoffs last year. With the addition of Chris Pronger, they're scary, especially since Carter and Richards should really hit their stride this year.

-I didn’t see the Curb with the Seinfeld cast, but that road head episode was wonderful. I’ve watched most Curb episodes because I know how good it is, but LD’s is not my favorite sensibility. He’s too mean. I like nice guys like Adam Sandler and John C. Reilly.



-If Ric Flair ran for Senate as a Republican, I’d break party lines to vote for him. If Linda McMahon ran for Senate as a Democrat, I’d break party lines to vote against her. Frankly, if I witnessed Ric Flair murder someone, I probably wouldn't testify against him.

-Hey Colorado ... If you want to be the man, you've got to beat the man. Wooooooo!



-It's a good time to be a Philly sports fan! Dingding!

In early September 2007, I was less than two months shy of my 30th birthday, a queen of spades short of a full deck, and a dollar short of a buck fifty. The Phils were 7 games behind the Mets with 17 games left to play.

Having won the NL East just once in the previous 24 years, it looked like the Phillies would have to wait yet another year to have a chance. Then, the unbelievable happened. The Mets suffered the most epic collapse in MLB history and the Phillies stopped losing.

Fast-forward two years to last night when, ho hum, the Phightin Phils won their THIRD CONSECUTIVE NL East Championship!

I think that it’s very important to not take this success for granted. We’re Phillies fans. We’re not promised s**t. Mrs. Chairman and I reflected on this when we went to the bar to watch the end of the game.

This season was a tumultuous one for the Phils, marred by poor situational hitting, awful relief pitching and excruciating defeats. Yet, here we are again, the defending WFCs, 2-to-1 Vegas favorites to win the pennant. It’s been a beautiful ride.



Everybody knows the main reasons the Phils are here -- the prolific offensive numbers from the middle of the order, the trade deadline acquisitions of Cliff Lee and Pedro, terrific team defense and a World F***ing Championship pedigree. That said, in order to go 162 games and win a division title, there are many little breaks and success stories that need to transpire.

Here are Backfield Penetration’s unsung reasons the Phils won the division again:

Whatever’s in Uncle Chollie’s pants

It’s been a colostomy bag in the past. This year, it seems to be just a couple of grapefruit sized cojones. Charlie Manuel is a manager in every sense of the word. What a brilliant job he’s done with these guys. Charlie is a huge pro wrestling fan. Much like Randy Savage or Ric Flair, in the face of adversity, Charlie Manuel’s Phillies always get off the mat.

Jayson Werth’s flavor saver

Like Samson and his hair, LL Cool Jay derives immense power from his soul patch. Perhaps Pat Gillick’s best free agent signing, Werth has 35 HRs and is on the precipice of both 100 runs and RBIs. On the side, Werth moonlights as WWE superstar Edge. It’s no wonder Uncle Chollie loves him so.



Rodrigo, contigo, mi amigo

Lost amidst the acclaim that Cliff Lee and Pedro have received is the excellent job that Rodrigo Lopez did in July. After the Phils’ brutal June swoon (4-14 b/w June 12 & July 2), Lopez was brought in to fill Brett Myers' spot in the rotation. He went 3-1 with a 3.62 era as a starter in July. The Phils were 4-1 in his starts. If they win it all again, I hope that people recognize the contribution he made and give him a rousing ovation at the ring ceremony.

Chooooooch!

On a team filled with superstars, all Carlos Ruiz does is call great game after great game, play stellar defense behind the plate and get clutch hits. What a great guy! Dingdingding! Love that Chooch!

Raul Ibanez and his egg shaped head



Rauuuuuuul is one of the best free agent pickups ever. The giant wad of tobacco in his cheek makes his head look almost as funny shaped as Placido Polanco’s.



Who was the leftfielder on the World Series team? I forget ...

Chan Ho Park’s beard

He won the fifth starter's job out of spring training and s**t the bed out of the gates. When he lost his job to J.A. Happ a month into the season, Chan Ho was pissed. He could have gone a lot of different directions with that anger, but Chan Ho, professional that he is, took the anger and became the Phillies most dependable reliever. He has also, this season, grown perhaps, the best Asian-guy beard ever. It looks like Random Task’s beard in Austin Powers. Hooray for you, sir.

The Mets: What a joke!

The Phils had won four times in eighteen games and were in a virtual first-place tie with the Marlins when the Mets came to town on July 3rd. The Phils proceeded to sweep their rivals in dominating fashion. They never looked back.

What a joke of a franchise the Mets are. Before the season even started, Bernie Madoff took hundreds of millions of their free agent dollars, a foreshadowing of their 2009 season.

Their new ballpark is a ridiculous monstrosity that pays more homage to the New York baseball Giants, Brooklyn Dodgers and Jackie Robinson than to the Mets two World Series teams. The seats are green and the security guards wear Phillies' maroon? Where the hell is the blue and orange? Why are there so many obstructed view seats in the outfield? Why are the fences so stupid and far out there? On a positive note: you gotta love the Shake Shack!

Oh yeah, nice organizational philosophy Omar Minaya, “Hi. I’m Omar Minaya. Let’s sign all Latinos. They’re the best players in baseball today. That’ll create a winning ballclub and a tight-knit clubhouse atmosphere.”

How does this guy still have a job? Ha! Love it. Couldn’t happen to a better fan base.