Backfield Penetration

I’ve been very busy lately. I offer sincere apologies for not penetrating you over the last week. It turns out that adulthood is not that different than college. Quarterbacks still rule the roost. I still make weekly panty raids (albeit in my wife’s underwear drawer). I’m still pulling all-nighters to finish my work.

This past Monday, lovely and handsome clients of mine kicked off their annual party series by honoring Michael Moore and his new film, Capitalism: A Love Story. There were two red carpets, one at Lincoln Center for the movie screening and a second at the party a few hours later.

I didn’t see the film, but I did interview Michael Moore twice.

I also interviewed Morgan Spurlock (Supersize Me) and Wallace Shawn (Vizzini from The Princess Bride) at the premiere.

I desperately wanted to bait Vizzini into using an obscure word so I could reply in my Inigo Montoya voice, “I do not think that word means what you think it means.” He didn’t seem pleased to be talking to me, so I let him ramble on for a couple of minutes about our government before politely shaking his hand and thanking him for his time. It’s hard to believe that I let that opportunity pass. Almost … Inconceivable.

I had a big deadline the next morning. I make weekly fantasy projections for a major sports magazine’s website. I predict the outcome of each NFL game and the stat line for every notable player in the league, along with a one-to-three sentence blurb about each player. Projections are due first thing Tuesday morning. Prognosticay-shun (Cajun Man) is surprisingly tedious work. After these two Michael Moore events, I knew that I was going to likely have to pull an all-nighter in order to meet the deadline.

Well, wouldn’t you know it; Michael Moore was an hour and a half late. What took him so long? My boy Frenchman (in town for the UN Assembly) said he had to stop for pizza.

I have mixed feelings about Michael Moore. On one hand, I think that he’s brilliant and is a genuinely helpful voice for “the people.” I agree philosophically with his messages in Bowling for Columbine, Sicko and Fahrenheit: 9/11. On the other hand, he strikes me as a bully, a blowhard and a propagandist. Also, Trey and Matt hate him, and they’re my favorite guys.

I attended a Q&A with them after a private screening of Team America. If you’ve seen Bowling for Columbine, you’ll recall the interview with Littleton native Matt Stone. Following the interview, there’s a South Park-esque cartoon that we're led to believe Trey and Matt produced for the film.

In fact, Trey and Matt rejected Moore’s overtures to make him a cartoon. Moore hired other cartoonists to do a “South Park style” piece. This cartoon directly followed Matt's interview, fooling the audience into thinking it was the real "Colt" McCoy.

Trey and Matt went off about the portly documentarian at the Q&A. I feel like they don’t attack anyone who doesn't deserve it. They’re the greatest.

I think back to Michael Moore bullying poor old Charlton Heston in Bowling. Charlton Heston may have been an evil sonofabitch, but during that interview, he was senile and helpless, and Michael Moore really disrespected him in his own home.

That said, my experience with Michael Moore was quite pleasant. He was totally kind and respectful to me, despite the fact that I too am senile and helpless.

When asked about Americans' hatred for anything that exudes the slightest whiff of socialism, Moore recited the Pledge of Allegiance. He told me it was written by a Socialist, one Edward Bellamy. He went on to give me a list of prominent American Socialists, including Charlie Chaplin. He also gave me a great soundbite for my client, about my client, and was an all-around friendly and articulate guy.

The diehard populist filmmaker (and first man in America to accumulate 1000 Papa John’s Party Points) did exhibit one example of really bizarre and questionable judgment. Moore brought with him to the party a poor family from Iowa that is one of the main focuses in Capitalism. They were wildly out of place at this opulent party, the very embodiment of American excess. It was bizarre and sad. It might have been appropriate, were Moore promoting Capitalism: A Study in Ironic Juxtaposition.

I got home from the party late, and returned to my fantasy projections. Ahead of me, was a daunting amount of writing and research. This was an all-nighter straight out of college - Clown College.

Over the next eight hours, my brain went a lot of wild places. I laughed. I cried. I talked to myself. I sang to myself. I peed my pants. I threw my pants out the window. I called 311 and complained about fictional cats that were in heat all night in the alley behind my apartment. I ate two full pizzas and drank one of those old school 3-liter bottles of Diet Coke. Then I made a bong out of the 3-liter bottle. Like I said … Prognostication is tedious work.

Finally, at 10 a.m., having been up for 26 hours, I finished my projections. During the course of the night, I wrote about 300 blurbs for NFL players. I also wrote many blurbs that were unfit for publication on a “family web site.” Here are some that didn’t make the cut.

Dennis Northcutt, 2 rec, 25 rec yards

You could start Northcutt. You could also decide not to wear a condom. Heck, you’re only in Haiti once. (6 a.m. called, it wants its ‘Bad Idea Jeans’ reference back)



Carson Palmer, 160 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT

Palmer? We’ve been on three dates … Isn’t it about time I got to use my mouth?

Kurt Warner, 290 yards, 2 TD

His boy Jesus seemed to have deserted him Week 1. Last week against the Jags, Warner was resurrected to the tune of the best single-game completion percentage in league history.

Larry Fitzgerald, 7 rec, 110 rec yards, 1 TD

My wife LOVES ol' Fitzie’s muscular butt. From an objective perspective, it is an impressive posterior.

Atlanta D, 2 sacks

Not an advisable start. Tom Brady’s really gonna tear it up. (For point of reference, see Nacho Vidal vs. Belladonna in Rocco and Buttman go to Brazil.)

Wes Welker, 9 rec, 85 rec yards, 1 TD

Welker? I just bought her a drink, but she is certainly coming on strong. Monitor the injury that kept him out against the Jets, but he’s a must start if he plays, especially in PPR leagues. This guy has caught more passes the last three years than Jerry Ferrara at a Nerf convention … Excuse me? What does that even mean?

Trent Edwards, 215 yard, 2 TD, 1 INT

Edwards had a great warm-up for New Orleans against a porous Tampa D. He'll be confident, just as though he rubbed one out before a big date.

Cedric Benson, 75 yards, 1 TD

He’s followed a surprisingly productive 2nd half of ’08 with two good games to start the season. However, as the Wolf told Vincent and Jules, “Let’s not start sucking ... just yet.” This is still Cedric Benson.