Backfield Penetration

Here’s what's up …

-"The Hills" featured a band called Morning Wood the other night. What I had this morning was not normal morning wood. It was a raging, playoff-gameday boner. I was harder than Mike Piazza at the Barney's warehouse sale. Wooooooooooo!

-I can totally start a column by talking about my piece. I’m not showing a picture, am I? Hmmm …

-Is it 2:37pm yet? I hope that the Phils aren’t running into the same buzzsaw they ran into in ’07. Hopefully that WFC pedigree means something.

-That Twins-Tigers elimination game last night was one of the most exciting baseball games I’ve ever seen. It was sloppy, but both teams left everything on the field.

-It was a great idea to build the Metrodome with a white roof because it totally has given the Twinkies home-field advantage over the years. They didn’t lose a home game (or win a road game) in their two World Series wins. I wonder if something will be built into their new home that will give them an advantage like that?

-If I were a Tigers fan I’d be PISSED. Home plate ump Randy Marsh blew so many calls, the most egregious error being the missed HBP on Inge with the bases juiced. Oof. He was terrible on balls and strikes too. I hope that he’s not umping any more postseason games.

-My wife, a relative baseball newb, thought that the missed HBP was "f***ing bulls***" and she doesn't understand why baseball doesn't institute replay to take the human error out of the game. She's right. The result of that incredible game shouldn't have hinged on Randy Marsh's declining eyesight.

-It’s amazing that Trey and Matt named Stan’s dad 'Randy Marsh.' To a fan of the obscure minutiae of baseball, this is almost as good a name as 'George Michael Bluth.' Randy Marsh has become one of the best characters on South Park over the last few years.



-This Braylon Edwards sh*t is hilarious! You couldn’t write it any better. “There’s only room for one of us in this town, LeBron. I’m going to punch your 130 lb friend so I can get traded to New York.”

-What’s the deal with NFL wideouts anyway? If egomania was currency, these guys would be richer than the Elders of Zion.

-Eric Mangini is going through problems the way I go through Valtrex. He might be one and done in Cleveland.

-Elders of Zion? Valtrex? Is this a sports column or a vaudeville act?

-Who knew that Marvin Harrison was Stringer Bell? He was always thought of as a WR who did things the right way. It’s crazy that he’s a stone cold thug.

-The Nightmare on Elm Street trailer doesn’t look scary but the Shutter Island trailer sure does.

-I’m looking forward to seeing Cold Souls. I think Paul Giamatti is the best. Enjoy this 'Classic Cut' of me interviewing him at The Illusionist premiere.



-I’m glad that I picked Aaron Rodgers. He’s the No. 2 scoring player in fantasy, and is going to be chucking it up all season long. Picking Eddie Royal two picks ahead of Vincent Jackson? Not so much.

-I hope they bring back the 'Saved by Zero' commercials. Saved by zero, Saved by zero …

-Will Michael Crabtree’s signing make the surprising Niners any better? It should. Shaun Hill doesn't have a real WR threat besides him.

-After watching the first three episodes of Season 1, I’m sad to say that Mad Men is f***ing boooooring. Don’t believe the hype. Watch Dewey Cox five times instead.



I’ll tell you what else …

-Flyboys are looking great! They gave the eventual Stanley Cup champs a run for their money in the playoffs last year. With the addition of Chris Pronger, they're scary, especially since Carter and Richards should really hit their stride this year.

-I didn’t see the Curb with the Seinfeld cast, but that road head episode was wonderful. I’ve watched most Curb episodes because I know how good it is, but LD’s is not my favorite sensibility. He’s too mean. I like nice guys like Adam Sandler and John C. Reilly.



-If Ric Flair ran for Senate as a Republican, I’d break party lines to vote for him. If Linda McMahon ran for Senate as a Democrat, I’d break party lines to vote against her. Frankly, if I witnessed Ric Flair murder someone, I probably wouldn't testify against him.

-Hey Colorado ... If you want to be the man, you've got to beat the man. Wooooooo!



-It's a good time to be a Philly sports fan! Dingding!

In early September 2007, I was less than two months shy of my 30th birthday, a queen of spades short of a full deck, and a dollar short of a buck fifty. The Phils were 7 games behind the Mets with 17 games left to play.

Having won the NL East just once in the previous 24 years, it looked like the Phillies would have to wait yet another year to have a chance. Then, the unbelievable happened. The Mets suffered the most epic collapse in MLB history and the Phillies stopped losing.

Fast-forward two years to last night when, ho hum, the Phightin Phils won their THIRD CONSECUTIVE NL East Championship!

I think that it’s very important to not take this success for granted. We’re Phillies fans. We’re not promised s**t. Mrs. Chairman and I reflected on this when we went to the bar to watch the end of the game.

This season was a tumultuous one for the Phils, marred by poor situational hitting, awful relief pitching and excruciating defeats. Yet, here we are again, the defending WFCs, 2-to-1 Vegas favorites to win the pennant. It’s been a beautiful ride.



Everybody knows the main reasons the Phils are here -- the prolific offensive numbers from the middle of the order, the trade deadline acquisitions of Cliff Lee and Pedro, terrific team defense and a World F***ing Championship pedigree. That said, in order to go 162 games and win a division title, there are many little breaks and success stories that need to transpire.

Here are Backfield Penetration’s unsung reasons the Phils won the division again:

Whatever’s in Uncle Chollie’s pants

It’s been a colostomy bag in the past. This year, it seems to be just a couple of grapefruit sized cojones. Charlie Manuel is a manager in every sense of the word. What a brilliant job he’s done with these guys. Charlie is a huge pro wrestling fan. Much like Randy Savage or Ric Flair, in the face of adversity, Charlie Manuel’s Phillies always get off the mat.

Jayson Werth’s flavor saver

Like Samson and his hair, LL Cool Jay derives immense power from his soul patch. Perhaps Pat Gillick’s best free agent signing, Werth has 35 HRs and is on the precipice of both 100 runs and RBIs. On the side, Werth moonlights as WWE superstar Edge. It’s no wonder Uncle Chollie loves him so.



Rodrigo, contigo, mi amigo

Lost amidst the acclaim that Cliff Lee and Pedro have received is the excellent job that Rodrigo Lopez did in July. After the Phils’ brutal June swoon (4-14 b/w June 12 & July 2), Lopez was brought in to fill Brett Myers' spot in the rotation. He went 3-1 with a 3.62 era as a starter in July. The Phils were 4-1 in his starts. If they win it all again, I hope that people recognize the contribution he made and give him a rousing ovation at the ring ceremony.

Chooooooch!

On a team filled with superstars, all Carlos Ruiz does is call great game after great game, play stellar defense behind the plate and get clutch hits. What a great guy! Dingdingding! Love that Chooch!

Raul Ibanez and his egg shaped head



Rauuuuuuul is one of the best free agent pickups ever. The giant wad of tobacco in his cheek makes his head look almost as funny shaped as Placido Polanco’s.



Who was the leftfielder on the World Series team? I forget ...

Chan Ho Park’s beard

He won the fifth starter's job out of spring training and s**t the bed out of the gates. When he lost his job to J.A. Happ a month into the season, Chan Ho was pissed. He could have gone a lot of different directions with that anger, but Chan Ho, professional that he is, took the anger and became the Phillies most dependable reliever. He has also, this season, grown perhaps, the best Asian-guy beard ever. It looks like Random Task’s beard in Austin Powers. Hooray for you, sir.

The Mets: What a joke!

The Phils had won four times in eighteen games and were in a virtual first-place tie with the Marlins when the Mets came to town on July 3rd. The Phils proceeded to sweep their rivals in dominating fashion. They never looked back.

What a joke of a franchise the Mets are. Before the season even started, Bernie Madoff took hundreds of millions of their free agent dollars, a foreshadowing of their 2009 season.

Their new ballpark is a ridiculous monstrosity that pays more homage to the New York baseball Giants, Brooklyn Dodgers and Jackie Robinson than to the Mets two World Series teams. The seats are green and the security guards wear Phillies' maroon? Where the hell is the blue and orange? Why are there so many obstructed view seats in the outfield? Why are the fences so stupid and far out there? On a positive note: you gotta love the Shake Shack!

Oh yeah, nice organizational philosophy Omar Minaya, “Hi. I’m Omar Minaya. Let’s sign all Latinos. They’re the best players in baseball today. That’ll create a winning ballclub and a tight-knit clubhouse atmosphere.”

How does this guy still have a job? Ha! Love it. Couldn’t happen to a better fan base.

I’ve been very busy lately. I offer sincere apologies for not penetrating you over the last week. It turns out that adulthood is not that different than college. Quarterbacks still rule the roost. I still make weekly panty raids (albeit in my wife’s underwear drawer). I’m still pulling all-nighters to finish my work.

This past Monday, lovely and handsome clients of mine kicked off their annual party series by honoring Michael Moore and his new film, Capitalism: A Love Story. There were two red carpets, one at Lincoln Center for the movie screening and a second at the party a few hours later.

I didn’t see the film, but I did interview Michael Moore twice.

I also interviewed Morgan Spurlock (Supersize Me) and Wallace Shawn (Vizzini from The Princess Bride) at the premiere.

I desperately wanted to bait Vizzini into using an obscure word so I could reply in my Inigo Montoya voice, “I do not think that word means what you think it means.” He didn’t seem pleased to be talking to me, so I let him ramble on for a couple of minutes about our government before politely shaking his hand and thanking him for his time. It’s hard to believe that I let that opportunity pass. Almost … Inconceivable.

I had a big deadline the next morning. I make weekly fantasy projections for a major sports magazine’s website. I predict the outcome of each NFL game and the stat line for every notable player in the league, along with a one-to-three sentence blurb about each player. Projections are due first thing Tuesday morning. Prognosticay-shun (Cajun Man) is surprisingly tedious work. After these two Michael Moore events, I knew that I was going to likely have to pull an all-nighter in order to meet the deadline.

Well, wouldn’t you know it; Michael Moore was an hour and a half late. What took him so long? My boy Frenchman (in town for the UN Assembly) said he had to stop for pizza.

I have mixed feelings about Michael Moore. On one hand, I think that he’s brilliant and is a genuinely helpful voice for “the people.” I agree philosophically with his messages in Bowling for Columbine, Sicko and Fahrenheit: 9/11. On the other hand, he strikes me as a bully, a blowhard and a propagandist. Also, Trey and Matt hate him, and they’re my favorite guys.

I attended a Q&A with them after a private screening of Team America. If you’ve seen Bowling for Columbine, you’ll recall the interview with Littleton native Matt Stone. Following the interview, there’s a South Park-esque cartoon that we're led to believe Trey and Matt produced for the film.

In fact, Trey and Matt rejected Moore’s overtures to make him a cartoon. Moore hired other cartoonists to do a “South Park style” piece. This cartoon directly followed Matt's interview, fooling the audience into thinking it was the real "Colt" McCoy.

Trey and Matt went off about the portly documentarian at the Q&A. I feel like they don’t attack anyone who doesn't deserve it. They’re the greatest.

I think back to Michael Moore bullying poor old Charlton Heston in Bowling. Charlton Heston may have been an evil sonofabitch, but during that interview, he was senile and helpless, and Michael Moore really disrespected him in his own home.

That said, my experience with Michael Moore was quite pleasant. He was totally kind and respectful to me, despite the fact that I too am senile and helpless.

When asked about Americans' hatred for anything that exudes the slightest whiff of socialism, Moore recited the Pledge of Allegiance. He told me it was written by a Socialist, one Edward Bellamy. He went on to give me a list of prominent American Socialists, including Charlie Chaplin. He also gave me a great soundbite for my client, about my client, and was an all-around friendly and articulate guy.

The diehard populist filmmaker (and first man in America to accumulate 1000 Papa John’s Party Points) did exhibit one example of really bizarre and questionable judgment. Moore brought with him to the party a poor family from Iowa that is one of the main focuses in Capitalism. They were wildly out of place at this opulent party, the very embodiment of American excess. It was bizarre and sad. It might have been appropriate, were Moore promoting Capitalism: A Study in Ironic Juxtaposition.

I got home from the party late, and returned to my fantasy projections. Ahead of me, was a daunting amount of writing and research. This was an all-nighter straight out of college - Clown College.

Over the next eight hours, my brain went a lot of wild places. I laughed. I cried. I talked to myself. I sang to myself. I peed my pants. I threw my pants out the window. I called 311 and complained about fictional cats that were in heat all night in the alley behind my apartment. I ate two full pizzas and drank one of those old school 3-liter bottles of Diet Coke. Then I made a bong out of the 3-liter bottle. Like I said … Prognostication is tedious work.

Finally, at 10 a.m., having been up for 26 hours, I finished my projections. During the course of the night, I wrote about 300 blurbs for NFL players. I also wrote many blurbs that were unfit for publication on a “family web site.” Here are some that didn’t make the cut.

Dennis Northcutt, 2 rec, 25 rec yards

You could start Northcutt. You could also decide not to wear a condom. Heck, you’re only in Haiti once. (6 a.m. called, it wants its ‘Bad Idea Jeans’ reference back)



Carson Palmer, 160 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT

Palmer? We’ve been on three dates … Isn’t it about time I got to use my mouth?

Kurt Warner, 290 yards, 2 TD

His boy Jesus seemed to have deserted him Week 1. Last week against the Jags, Warner was resurrected to the tune of the best single-game completion percentage in league history.

Larry Fitzgerald, 7 rec, 110 rec yards, 1 TD

My wife LOVES ol' Fitzie’s muscular butt. From an objective perspective, it is an impressive posterior.

Atlanta D, 2 sacks

Not an advisable start. Tom Brady’s really gonna tear it up. (For point of reference, see Nacho Vidal vs. Belladonna in Rocco and Buttman go to Brazil.)

Wes Welker, 9 rec, 85 rec yards, 1 TD

Welker? I just bought her a drink, but she is certainly coming on strong. Monitor the injury that kept him out against the Jets, but he’s a must start if he plays, especially in PPR leagues. This guy has caught more passes the last three years than Jerry Ferrara at a Nerf convention … Excuse me? What does that even mean?

Trent Edwards, 215 yard, 2 TD, 1 INT

Edwards had a great warm-up for New Orleans against a porous Tampa D. He'll be confident, just as though he rubbed one out before a big date.

Cedric Benson, 75 yards, 1 TD

He’s followed a surprisingly productive 2nd half of ’08 with two good games to start the season. However, as the Wolf told Vincent and Jules, “Let’s not start sucking ... just yet.” This is still Cedric Benson.