On The Fringe

Predicting the future is dicey business. A year ago who in their right mind would have possibly predicted that today Brett Favre would be wearing a Vikings uniform, Michael Vick would receive a Courage Award or Tomy Romo would have won a game in the month of December?

Undoubtedly it’s time to start looking forward, now that every single person in sports has come out with an end of the decade list. Thus I put on my prognosticator’s cap and take a shot at calling the future. The following are my predictions for the world of sports in 2010.

JANUARY
The Washington Generals win their first game since 1982 when they prevail over the New Jersey Nets 85-74.

ESPN officially changes its slogan to the Worldwide Leader In Adultery.

Three world leaders angrily walk out of the G-7 Summit when all the questions from the press deal with Tiger Woods.

FEBRUARY
The Vancouver Games on NBC become the first Olympics to be televised on what is now a public access channel.

In a misguided attempt to appeal to female viewers, NBC gets Olympic organizers to change the women’s speed skating event to a shoe-shopping contest.

Danica Patrick makes her NASCAR debut. Two hours later GoDaddy.com crashes due to a frenzy of interest from stock car fans.

Terrell Owens announces plans to donate his brain to science. An hour later, NFL Concussion Committee calls back and declines the offer.

The NBA All-Star game at Cowboys’ Stadium draws a record 100,000 fans, who go nuts when an entry in the slam dunk contest bounces the ball off the video board before driving it through the goal.

MARCH
Chad Ochocinco-Hachi Go shocks the world when he legally changes his name to Maury Zuckerman.

The NCAA basketball tournament is won by the “most veteran” team to make the Sweet 16. They start four freshmen and a sophomore.

Manny Pacquiao wins a spilt decision over Floyd Mayweather Jr. On the undercard Raiders coach Tom Cable knocks out his smallest assistant.

APRIL
April 4 - Major League Baseball Opening Day.

April 5 - Milton Bradley wears out his welcome in Seattle.

Based on an amazing time in the 40, Al Davis selects a New Zealand wallaby in the first round of the NFL Draft.

The draft comes to an end with the final pick, Mr. Irrelevant. Free safety Tim Tebow weeps when he learns it’s him.

After a call goes against her, Serena Williams eats a line judge. The ATP comes down swiftly and suspends Serena for three days, later amending the suspension to two hours.

The ATP issues a ruling in the Andre Agassi investigation, banning his fake mullet from all future events.

MAY
Jamie McCourt is caught sneaking into the Dodgers clubhouse wearing Manny dreads.

To get A-Rod out of an early-season slump, the Yankees sign Kate Hudson to a $20 million contract. She ends up wining two more games than Joba Chamberlain.

Hugh Hefner sells Playboy Magazine to Rick Pitino.

The ATP reverses last month's edict, and now says Agassi’s fake Mullet can make appearances at ATP events.

JUNE
Oprah’s attempt to get Mike Tyson to finally apologize to Evander Holyfield goes awry when Tyson bites off Holyfield’s little toe live on the air.

Tiger Woods, with his one remaining sponsor, Chia Pet Inc., explodes back on the scene with a victory in the U.S. Open.

The sausage race at Milwaukee Brewers games are halted for good when Prince Fielder catches and eats one of the sausages.

JULY
Mark Mangino achieves a measure of redemption when he wins the Fourth of July Coney Island hot dog eating contest, then goes out for dessert.

Late heavyweight champ Ingemar Johansson, who passed away earlier this year, announces he’s coming out of retirement. He says he can overcome the fact he’s dead by training extra hard.

At the Palms Hotel in Vegas, Michael Phelps sets yet another world record when he dates his 800th cocktail waitress, eclipsing Tigers Woods’ old mark.

The new Million Man march on the Capitol consists entirely of people insulted by Michael Jordan during his Hall of Fame acceptance speech.

AUGUST
Brett Favre announces he will come out of retirement at the end of two-a-days and play one more season.

The Rolling Stones criticize Favre for dragging out his retirement.

A mellower Rich Rodriguez gives in to critics and says he’ll allow Michigan players a brief water break between the fourth and fifth hours of practice.

SEPTEMBER
The world comes to a complete halt when it’s realized that Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian have been married for a full year.

Denver Broncos owner Pat Bowlen throws a “Sweet 16" party for coach Josh McDaniels.

The NCAA launches an investigation into the USC athletic department after two people on Forbes list of the Wealthiest Americans are Trojan recruits.

Indianapolis Colts coach Jim Caldwell is eliminated in the first round of Celebrity Jeopardy after he saves all his best answers for Double Jeopardy.

One hundred scholarship athletes at Florida State are suspended after they’re caught cheating on a test by using a satellite digital technology previously only available to NASA scientists.

OCTOBER
The unthinkable occurs during an ABC college football broadcast when Brent Musburger pronounces a player’s name correctly. Officials briefly stop the game to pay tribute.

Security at the Major League playoffs is beefed up to keep Chip Caray out.

An umpiring crew in the World Series is suspended indefinitely when they attempt to call a player offsides.

Kimbo Slice signs a large contract with UFC despite being knocked out by Morley Safer in his last fight.

NOVEMBER
Jay Cutler sits down for Thanksgiving dinner and attempts to pass the stuffing. The stuffing is intercepted.

The Iowa Hawkeyes become the first team to clinch the Big Ten football title while scoring all their points on field goals and safeties.

Usain Bolt wins a 200-meter dash against a Dodge Dart.

DECEMBER
On the eve of his first birthday Tom Brady and Gisele Bunchen’s son Benjamin receives a scholarship offer from Lane Kiffin.

NCAA begins an investigation when it’s learned Kiffin arranged for the Gerber Baby to “hostess” the Brady baby.

Ripley’s Believe It Or Not finds a basketball coach in the state of Kentucky with ethics.

Joe Paterno embarrasses Penn State when he says the Nittany Lions played well enough to earn a Gotham Bowl berth.