On The Fringe

For the first time in their careers the fighting Klitschko brothers, Wladimir and Vitali, are giving subtle signals that they may be willing to face each other. What a thrill for sports fans. To see two buff, chiseled, muscle-bound, hulking siblings who are not the Williams sisters going toe-to-toe.

Boxing officials seem to be pushing for a Klitschko match. I see this as an overt attempt to compete with the bloodlust sports of MMA and Ultimate Fighting. How better to counter the fight club mentality of UFC than to feature actual brothers walloping on each other? This may also be the first unification bout in boxing history to feature a competitor shouting, “Mom always liked you better!”

Frankly, something has to be done to shake up the heavyweight division, which is about as popular with Americans as Jai-Alai and UFL football. Ask an average American to name three heavyweights and the typical response is probably, “Muhammed Ali. Mike Tyson. And George Foreman Grille.”

The situation is so dire the typical American can name more members of Congress than he can top fighters. People entering the witness protection program become heavyweight fighters so they’re never heard from again.

A big part of the malaise surrounding boxing is due to poor marketing. Consider last year’s slogan: “Top Rank Boxing, Almost As Exciting As New Coke.”

Also, the Klitschkos are that kiss of death for heavyweights - strategic, smart, slow, powerful, yet willing to pick their spots and leave it up to the judges if necessary. Somewhere along the way boxing fans decided that unless competitors leave the ring looking like they just spent the evening rolling around a clothes dryer full of razor blades it wasn’t a real fight. People today are not interested in the “Sweet Science.”

Exhibit A as to what we want in a heavyweight fighter is that one of the more popular heavyweights of the past couple decades is Butterbean, a guy who makes the Pillsbury Doughboy look like Franco Columbu, and whose idea of defense was blocking uppercuts with his nose. Butterbean’s fat-to-muscle body mass ratio looked like the account number I write on my check to the cable company. In interviews he appeared to have the intellect of a hubcap. And we loved him for it.

The tactical, advanced degree-holding Klitschkos don’t stand a chance. But fighting each other could change that.

I realize boxing has problems other than just a dormant heavyweight division. Americans may be slightly put off by some shadowy figures in boxing, and by “shadowy” of course I mean “hardened felons.” Sure, you’re not going to get a lot of model citizens here. This is a rough sport with a tendency to attract rough people. But that’s not dissimilar to the controlled violence of NFL football, and that seems to be sort of popular.

I really hope this Klitschko fight comes off. Beyond the spectacle aspect a Klitschko brothers bout would be intriguing on its own merits. Wladimir would seem to have the edge, but Vitali, who once led Lennox Lewis on all three scorecards before losing on a TKO could easily prevail.

Best of all this could pave the way for other sibling match ups. Who wouldn’t like to see Stephen Baldwin vs. William Baldwin in a “nut-off”? Or, a pay-per-view contest to see which Kardashian sister can force air in one ear and out the other the fastest?

Still cynical? Not excited about this potential fight? If you’re not a fan, I can state unequivocally that nothing in sport compares to the excitement and anticipation of a heavyweight title fight between two legitimate contenders. And I’m including Super Bowls and World Series. There’s a reason celebrities turn out for these things like they were an open house at the White House. You combine this with two brothers going at it and it may be the biggest sporting event in several years.

A potential stumbling block is that the brothers supposedly made a vow to Mom that they’d never fight each other. But vows to mothers can usually be countered with the right money.

Let’s hope the fight happens and happens soon. Wladimir is 33 and Vitali is 38 which for boxers means they only have about 20-25 good years left.