Hitting The Cutoff Man

There was a time when I believed my baseball card collection would be a gold mine. That wasn’t the only reason I had one growing up – there also was the endless fun of organizing, trading and reorganizing – but I also figured my spend-all-of-your-allowance-on-cards financial plan would pay off big time down the road.

Now I probably couldn’t even cover my monthly cable bill with the several binders full of carefully stored cardboard rectangles sitting in the closet of my old room. Oh, well.

But that doesn’t mean there is no value to be found in those binders. There is, of course, the powerful pull of nostalgia. Beyond that, there are lessons. What’s that saying? “Those that fail to learn from history will repeatedly doom it.” Or something like that. I might have been half-asleep in class that day.

In any case, as I went through some of my cards while back home for the holidays, I was reminded of some historical facts I had forgotten. Now I share them with you.


Fact #1: Jeff Suppan hungered for baseballs: “Jeff clowns around during Red Sox photo day 2-24-96,” the caption of this 1997 Upper Deck card explains. Sure, that’s how it started – just “clowning around.” But what started as a joke evolved into something darker, a full-blown obsession. Soon, Suppan was gnawing on baseballs by the boxload. The notoriously stingy Pirates dealt him the Red Sox at the 2003 trading deadline, just months after signing him, largely because they discovered his habit was the reason they were going over-budget on baseballs that year. It wasn’t until Suppan signed with the Cardinals in 2004 that Dave Duncan helped him quit.


Fact #2: Popeye had nothing on Ricky Bottalico: A key to Bottalico’s 12-year career was his ripped-beyond-belief left arm, a very useful weapon for a right-handed pitcher. In fact, Bottalico often did curls with his left hand while throwing bullpen sessions. After his baseball career ended in 2005, he joined the professional arm wrestling tour, placing seventh in the overall standings last year.


Fact #3: Matt Morris became the first active MLB player to give birth: The dramatic event, captured on this 2003 Fleer Ultra card, happened suddenly during Spring Training that year. Doctors still aren’t sure why Morris spawned a giant rubber exercise ball, but the “child,” now in fourth grade, can already throw a pretty decent 12-to-6 curve, just like his old man.


Fact #4: Omar Vizquel is one cool hombre: In his long and distinguished career Vizquel has won 11 Gold Gloves, a yellow sports car and most deservedly, 17 MLB Fashion Icon awards.


Fact #5: Brian Rose was a league-leader: Contrary to your impression upon seeing that expression, Rose was not a serial killer. He was simply a mediocre pitcher who lasted parts of five seasons in the majors. But he made his mark in 1998, the year of this Fleer Tradition card, by leading the AL in a metric known as SWORP, or “smile wattage over replacement player.” Rose’s career WAR was -0.2.


Fact #6: Andruw Jones invented the invisible jetpack: That seems like the best explanation for this 1999 Fleer Ultra card.


-- Follow Hitting The Cutoff Man on Twitter at HitTheCutoff

In Internet time, last year’s headlines might as well be living in a cave, dressed in animal skins and carrying a spear. Time moves quickly, and the recent past is buried under the crushing weight of fresh news.

Out of curiosity, I hopped into my time machine and set out on a dangerous voyage to find those ancient, long-forgotten headlines. My target time: the days surrounding Nov. 16, 2010. My target location: NBC Sports’ HardballTalk, my go-to site for quick takes on the latest news and rumors around Major League Baseball. What follows is the strange bounty of that exploration.

Headline: Royals not willing to “dump” former top prospect Alex Gordon

Result: Kansas City kept Gordon and made him their starting left fielder.

How’d that work out? The Royals, get this, made the right call (cue the marching band and release the balloons!). Gordon broke out, hitting .303/.376/.502 and was worth 5.9 WAR. File this under “sometimes the best moves are the ones you don’t make.”



Headline: Cardinals expected to aggressively pursue Juan Uribe

Result: Uribe signed a three-year, $21 million deal with the Dodgers instead, and the Cardinals traded for Ryan Theriot and signed Nick Punto to bolster their infield.

How’d that work out? Compared with Uribe, Theriot and Punto were Alan Trammell and Lou Whitaker. Still, Theriot was pretty bad, and Punto was hurt a lot. At one point, St. Louis’ infield was so thin, Albert Pujols actually played third base, but the team eventually got Punto and David Freese back and traded for Rafael Furcal, and the rest was recent history.

Headline: Athletics interested in Lance Berkman as designated hitter

Result: Berkman signed with the Cardinals instead, and the A’s went with Hideki Matsui.

How’d that work out? Berkman defied critics both by being less than a complete disaster in the outfield and by hitting like the old Puma at the plate (.301/.412/.547) on his way to a ring. With Matsui leading the “charge,” Oakland designated “hitters” “hit” .245/.313/.390. Wrong lottery ticket, Billy!


Headline: Shin-Soo Choo is trying to slug his way out of the army

Result: Choo did in fact lead South Korea to a gold medal at the Asian Games, freeing him of his two-year commitment to his country’s armed forces.

How’d that work out? Choo lived happily ever after! Well, actually, this was basically the last good thing that happened to Choo all season. He played only 85 games between multiple DL stints, hit an extremely disappointing .259/.344/.390 and was nabbed for an embarrassing DUI.


Headline: Brad Penny is going to be in the best shape of his life.

Result: “Best shape of his life,” one of the more amusing off-season cliches every year, is sort of subjective, so you can judge for yourself. Here is Brad Penny on April 28, 2011. Sexy!

How’d that work out? Great shape or not, Penny posted probably the worst full season of his career, giving up 11.0 hits per nine innings with a 1.19 K/BB ratio and a 5.02 FIP for the Tigers. Maybe watching TV and eating Doritos is the way to go this offseason.


Headline: The Cardinals will try to lock up Pujols before Christmas

Result: St. Louis signed its franchise player to a relatively team-friendly contract in early December. What’s that? (Puts fingers in ears). Lalalala can’t hear you, lalalala can’t hear you!

How’d that work out? Great!


Headline: Adam Dunn wants at least three years and $40 million

Result: He got it! A couple of weeks later, Dunn signed a four-year, $56 million deal with the White Sox.

How’d that work out? Rather than throwing out a bunch of stats, I will simply lead you to this visual representation.


-- Follow Hitting The Cutoff Man on Twitter at HitTheCutoff

Somewhere out in the great beyond, there exists an alternate universe with an alternate Major League Baseball. Here are some recent headlines from this league's Hot Stove season.

Yanks’ Sabathia Opts Out of Contract, Eyes Homecoming With A's
By Buster Olney, ESPN.com

The New York Yankees drafted, developed and groomed CC Sabathia, but it appears the chronically cash-strapped organization is going to lose yet another homegrown talent to a team with considerably more payroll power.

Sabathia's agent Brian Peters said Monday that the left-handed former Cy Young winner will opt out of his current deal with the Yankees, with four years remaining, and become a free agent. Speculation among several high-ranking baseball front office personnel indicates that Sabathia wants to sign with his hometown team, the Oakland Athletics, who are looking to significantly increase their payroll thanks to their brand new stadium that will open next season.

Oakland general manager Billy Beane declined comment, but one American League GM said he would set the chances of a Sabathia-to-Oakland deal at “above 80 percent.”

Sabathia signed an extension with the Yankees when he first reached free agency after the 2008 season, but demanded the opt-out clause in case he felt the organization did not come through on its promises to field a competitive team. ...

Three Hospitalized After Camden Yards Stampede
By Baltimore Sun Staff Reports

Seven unidentified men were taken to a Baltimore hospital and three will be held overnight for observation after sustaining injuries in a stampede at Oriole Park at Camden Yards on Thursday afternoon.

Details remain scarce about the incident, but witnesses told The Sun the stampede was caused by a large group of candidates for the Orioles’ open general manager position all trying to rush into an interview room at once. Only eight candidates were officially scheduled to interview for the much sought-after job, but at least three times that many people showed up at the ballpark Thursday in an attempt to gain consideration.

“This is the job that everyone wants, and so we all were trying desperately to be first to speak to (Orioles owner Peter Angelos),” said one of the potential GMs, who was released from the hospital with minor injuries and asked not to be identified by name. “We’re talking about a successful, stable organization with the best owner in baseball. Who wouldn’t want to step into that situation?” ...

Padres Said to Be Leading Charge for Fielder
By Ken Rosenthal, FoxSports.com

The San Diego Padres could be close to adding another big bat to their stable of sluggers.

According to multiple baseball sources, the team is currently the favorite to land free agent first baseman Prince Fielder, whose contract with the Milwaukee Brewers expired after this past season.

With chunks of excess cash burning a hole in the pockets of new general manager Josh Byrnes and Fielder said to be keen on playing 81 games a year at the bandbox known at PETCO Park, there is reason for both sides to be optimistic about an agreement.

“Money, as we all know, is no object for the Padres,” said a source with knowledge of the negotiations. “And even though they already led the National League in home runs last season, they have an opening at first base. Plus, Prince feels he could hit 60 homers a year thanks to PETCO’s practically Little League-sized right field.” ...

Red Sox Lock Up Epstein, Francona For Long Term
By Gordon Edes, ESPNBoston.com

BOSTON -- Just days after finishing off their third World Series Championship in eight years, the Boston Red Sox on Tuesday ensured that two key pieces of their operation will remain with the team for years to come.

Team officials confirmed that general manager Theo Epstein will receive a five-year contract extension that will kick in when his current deal expires after next season; they also confirmed that manager Terry Francona’s 2012 and 2013 options, worth a total of $8.75 million, will be picked up and supplemented with two additional years at a slightly higher rate. Exact terms of the extensions were not disclosed, but a press conference has been scheduled for Wednesday at Fenway Park.

Epstein and Francona presided over a Red Sox club that won 93 games in the regular season, holding off the Tampa Bay Rays for the American League wild card, then breezed through the postseason, beating the Atlanta Braves in five games in the World Series.

Epstein has been lauded for his recent signings of Carl Crawford and John Lackey, key pieces of the team’s 2011 success, while Francona’s relaxed clubhouse -- characterized by in-game sessions of fried chicken, beer and video games -- is said to have been crucial in preventing panic as the Rays made a late-season push. ...

-- Follow Hitting The Cutoff Man on Twitter at HitTheCutoff

Next season, the Marlins change their name from Florida to Miami and move into a shiny new ballpark. Getting away from the football stadium that has been their home throughout their existence is undeniably a good thing, but the organization has made some rather strange decisions in the process.

SB Nation presented the latest and most bizarre today, a structure that will sit behind center field and go into action upon every Marlins home run. As I remarked on Twitter it looks like some ridiculous kids toy that chews up batteries and drives the parents insane. Please put on your safety goggles before viewing.

This got me to wondering what other crazy features the Marlins have in mind for their new digs. Here are five ideas I came up with:

The Stanton Home Run Celebration Contraption: Mike Stanton's home runs are not like everyone else's so they shouldn't be celebrated like everyone else's. He needs something special, something that properly honors the majestic nature of his blasts. How about a giant, buff animatronic marlin that appears in the upper deck swinging a bat and breathing fire?

The Homage to Past Glories: The Marlins have won two World Series titles during their relatively brief existence, which is rather mind-boggling. The organization should help a new generation of fans connect with this accomplishment by installing an interactive exhibit somewhere in the concourse. Both championship teams would be recreated out of blocks so that fans could have fun taking them apart and selling off the pieces before starting over with a new set of blocks.

The Guillen-o-phone: The Marlins made quite a splash in hiring Ozzie Guillen to be the first manager of the Miami version of the club. What better way to take advantage of Ozzie's trademark antics then mic'ing him up in the dugout and broadcasting it throughout the stadium? Obviously this would have to be done on a seven-second delay and heavily edited, except for during night games from the seventh inning on, when fans would be treated to "Ozzie Uncensored."

Marlins Beach: The Marlins traditionally have struggled badly with attendance problems. While the new stadium should help, Miami residents still have a lot of other entertainment options, including the beach. Well, what if Marlins fans could get the beach experience WHILE watching baseball? Designate certain sections of seats as beach sections, dump a bunch of sand in there, have Billy the Marlin come over every few innings to spray everyone with saltwater and let loose some seagulls to fly around and steal snacks.

The Mo' LoMoMarlins TweetCast: Thus far the Marlins have not been terribly supportive of young outfielder Logan Morrison's often entertaining tweeting. But, new stadium, new philosophy. LoMo is now encouraged to tweet from the dugout, and these messages will be shown on the video board.

-- Follow Hitting The Cutoff Man on Twitter at HitTheCutoff

The Florida Marlins' Mike Stanton did something very mean to a baseball on Monday night in Miami.

If you haven’t seen it, please go ahead and watch it here. I’ll wait.

All caught up? Good. That was the more massive of two massive home runs Stanton thumped against the Braves in that game, giving him 34 this season, in addition to the 22 he slammed in a partial 2010 season. Many of them have been of the outrageous, video game variety.

And that’s the thing. Mike Stanton doesn’t just hit home runs. Sure, he’s already collected more of them through his age 21 season than all but eight other men in history, and could pass Mickey Mantle, Al Kaline and Ken Griffey, Jr. in that category by the end of the season. But that really isn’t the point.

The point is that Stanton’s home runs are not just baseballs that fly over the fence. Already, at this early stage in his career, they are events unto themselves. They are their own category. Someone on Twitter suddenly blurting, “HOLY &^@$, MIKE STANTON,” is the Bat Signal for baseball fans -- drop everything and go find out what violent crime was just committed.

We need Mike Stanton and we need his gravity-defying, shot-from-a-cannon taters.

Stanton, is his younger days.

After the home run binge of the late 90s/early 00s and subsequent PED terror, it almost felt wrong to still dig the long ball. Like it was some sort of perversion you didn’t want to publicize. Any time you saw someone crush a ball out of the park, you almost had to splice your awe with an equal helping of suspicion, or at least emotional detachment. Don’t get too invested, lest you get burned again.

That has eased to some degree in recent years, as MLB mostly has turned the page. We’ve had Jim Thome, Prince Fielder and Adam Dunn (the good version). We’ve had Mark Reynolds, Ryan Howard and others who could send a baseball into orbit. But to varying degrees, probably unfairly, all of those guys are too close to another era.

Jose Bautista for all of his greatness, has seen first-hand how leery people still can get when someone’s power takes a hyperspace leap in a short time. Bautista is a great story. He’s a story I believe in. But he’s too complicated a story for many.

According to HitTrackerOnline.com, Bautista is the only player in baseball this season with more “no doubt” home runs than Stanton. These are defined as homers that “cleared the fence by at least 20 vertical feet and landed at least 50 feet past the fence.” Through Monday, Bautista has 17, Stanton has 15, and Justin Upton is next with 12.

The “no doubt” home runs are just half the equation with Stanton, though. The other half is his “no doubt” power hitter cred.

I suppose these days we should never assume anything, but screw it. I’m going to go ahead and assume that a 21-year-old who is 6 feet, 5 inches and 235 pounds of solid steel is a natural home run hitter. I’m going to assume he stepped out of the womb, grabbed a spare IV stand and swatted the doctor across the room. The guy was born to hit a baseball and born to hit it further than anyone else.

He walloped 89 home runs in 324 minor league games. At least one of them was a legendary moon shot. He’s now hit 56 home runs in his first 242 major league games. Of the 34 he has swatted this season, only 7 have failed to travel 400 feet (according to Hit Tracker), and I can only assume that’s because Stanton used one hand to swing, broke his bat or just decided not to show up the pitcher.

Stanton is power we all can believe in, put on posters, show to our kids. With him, it’s OK to let your guard down and just enjoy the show. The long balls are almost beyond belief, but in an eye-popping way, not a Mitchell Report way. I should stop here and say this isn’t meant to be a back-handed indictment of anyone else. I think most players today are clean. But nobody makes it easier than Stanton to leap unabashedly back into long ball reverence. And nobody makes it funner.

So go ahead, watch this again. Enjoy it. And get ready for many more.

-- Follow Hitting The Cutoff Man on Twitter at HitTheCutoff

ACT I

The curtain opens to the large, nicely adorned conference room of a luxury hotel. A banner on the wall reads, “WELCOME TO THE ANNUAL MLB PLAYERS CONVENTION.” Ballplayers are lounging around and chatting as the stragglers file in. A side table is stocked with bubble gum, sunflower seeds, chewing tobacco and coffee. Finally, everyone is there, and Nick Swisher takes it upon himself to kick off the festivities*.

Nick Swisher: What’s up everyone? How are yall feeling?
Adam Jones: I really want to rage right now. But I’ll calm it down. Wooooosaaaaa like a MFer
Everyone avoids eye contact with Jones.
Jimmy Rollins: noooo, that’ll be breaking the code of ethics
Adam Jones: been there done that
There is a momentary awkward silence, suddenly interrupted by a rumbling stomach.
Brandon Phillips: For some reason, I got the munchies! Need to find a 7eleven, CVS, or Walgreens ASAP... Nutter Butters & Milk
Jimmy Rollins: lol, ok we’ll go shopping together
Brandon Phillips: Wowww... Word on the street is that somebody made a Krispy Kreme Doughnut Burger... That doesn't sound right, but I got to try it...
Chris Perez: good luck with your fight with obesity
Jeremy Affeldt: "If you judge people, you have no time to love them." ~ Mother Teresa”
Brandon Phillips: LMAO... Still clownin
Adam Jones: get through college first kiddo
Logan Morrison: Meeeow
C.J. Wilson: hahaha man people are getting feisty on here!
Chris Perez: no, just d-bags like you
Taken aback, Wilson’s shoulders slump, but a second later, a giant arm drapes over them.
Mike Stanton: Their opinion doesn’t count
Peter Moylan: I don’t believe you
Mike Stanton: Your actions are your perception
Peter Moylan: off the hook
Suddenly a burly guy in a Rays hat shoves through the conversation to the coffee station, fills up a cup and drains it.
Sam Fuld (watching in awe): Nice technique
Kelly Shoppach (wiping coffee from his mouth): sorry I have a one track mind until I get my Americano
A few feet over, a guy wearing Oakland A’s sweats is burrowed into a chair with his feet up on a table and his green cap tilted down over his eyes.
Brandon McCarthy: you’re trying too hard
Kelly Shoppach: You do things that make you happy...Coffee makes me happy!!!
Brandon McCarthy (shrugging casually): Ambien’s awesome
McCarthy begins snoring. Thinking that looks like a good idea, Stanton plops down in the chair next to him and pulls out his iPod.
Mike Stanton: Jammin out to the Jackson 5 till I falls asleep
Daniel Hudson: whatever you need to fill time haha
C.J. Wilson: sounds amazing!!!!
Peter Moylan: good luck, hope it all goes well
Stanton falls asleep.

ACT II

A bunch of players, including Phillips and Rollins, are packed into a large van on their way to the store to pick up snacks.

Dexter Fowler: Pretty excited!! Not gonna lie!
Jimmy Rollins: Has anyone seen the Geico commercial about the daughters missing gold fish & the dad eating sushi?
Nick Swisher: It’s available on amazon and itunes. I want to hear your feedback!
Someone pulls out an iPad, and everyone leans over to watch.
Brad Penny: Wow. That was awesome
Ricky Romero: One of the best experiences of my life
Will Rhymes: What did you guys think of that finish? I enjoyed it very much.
Matt Kemp: I need a new show 2 watch … any ideas?
Joel Hanrahan: Does anyone remember the name of the show that had the rock wives and girlfriends on it? I think it was VH1
David Price: Think its polygamy
Jimmy Rollins: vampires I guess
Ricky Romero: Man u gotta watch Californiacation
Orlando Hudson: man I don’t know how 2 do that lol
The discussion is interrupted by the sound of the van’s engine revving, and the vehicle begins picking up speed. Price cranes his neck around from the driver’s seat.
David Price: We have also ran 2 redlights and speeding on the highway!!! We above the law right now!!
John Axford: Get the eff out! That’s awesome!
Logan Morrison: I have much 2 learn from u master
Gaby Sanchez (muttering to himself): Big pet peeve, bad drivers
Suddenly a traffic jam appears ahead.
David Freese: Pump the brakes!!
Price slams on the brakes, and the van begins screeching to a halt, causing the passengers to surge forward, straining their seatbelts. But Penny, sitting near the back, wasn’t wearing his belt and comes flying forward, only to be caught in a bear hug by Phillips.
Brandon Phillips: Safety first! Guess I had a bromance tonight LOL …
Sam Fuld: Loooooong trip home, can’t wait to see my wife and kid!


ACT III

Back in the conference room, a groggy McCarthy and Stanton begin to come out of their slumber.

Brandon McCarthy (still clearly disoriented): are there different flavored smoothies in Korea???
Mike Stanton: yup! I’ll throw u one!
Brandon McCarthy: ok?
Stanton reaches into his bag and grabs a Korean smoothie. He chucks it at McCarthy, who snags it out of the air despite his grogginess.
Mike Stanton: ha! What a good talent
McCarthy takes a sip and grimaces.
Brandon McCarthy (quickly snaps fully awake): UGH
Mike Stanton: not possible!
Brandon McCarthy: explain
Mike Stanton: a few hours later u feel Money tho
Brandon McCarthy: nothing is predictive of anything in reality. But these arguments always seem to discount the mental aspect.
Mike Stanton: Emphasize what's Important, not the Irrelevant
Brandon McCarthy: You’re mixing in a human element here which changes everything
Stanton sighs deeply and shakes his head, in a signal of resignation.
Mike Stanton: Dont matter how hard u try, Ya Can't please everybody!

CURTAIN CLOSES

* All dialogue taken unmodified from players’ recent statements or replies on Twitter.

-- Follow Hitting The Cutoff Man on Twitter at HitTheCutoff

The start of the NFL season always lends itself to mass hysteria. When one loss can move you a sixth or an eighth of the way toward playoff elimination in a 16-game season, it's understandable. Every game takes on a tremendous significance, and maybe that's just one reason -- along with the violence, of course -- that football is the most popular sport in the country.

A single baseball game, however, carries little meaning when playoff teams often have 70-plus losses. The day-in, day-out grind takes precedence over the all-consuming hype of once-a-week competition. I appreciate that difference in the two sports and wouldn’t want either to change.

But, as a thought experiment, what would happen if Bud Selig went craaaaaaaaaazy and decided to

adopt an NFL scheduling system of 16 games, played once a week?

The answer, obviously, is quite a lot.

In terms of how teams are run, this would completely destroy the current methods of roster construction. A club could go an entire season using one starting pitcher, unless it wanted two or three in order to play to matchups or hedge against slumps. The resulting demand for aces surely would be ridiculous and drive their salaries through the roof, increasing the pressure to develop a home-grown pitching stud.

With each date on the schedule of crucial importance, managers would be forced to do their jobs differently, particularly in terms of deploying a pitching staff. Where a No. 1 starting pitcher normally might get a long rope with which to work out of trouble or push his way through a tough outing, the 16-game schedule would force a skipper to pull his ace at the first sign of serious danger to prevent a game from getting away. If you think that today’s baseball features too few complete games and too many pitching changes, look out. Sure, a team might have only one starting pitcher, but it also might employ a 10-man bullpen and a manager who walks to the mound twice an inning late in games. Every skipper would be Tony La Russa on speed.

Outside of the playing of individual games, a 16-game schedule would throw the sport into absolute chaos in terms of results. Think about how it often seems like anything can happen in the postseason. Well, now the regular season would be about that length. Under the current system, media and fans frequently get bent out of shape about small sample sizes (A six-game losing streak! He’s 0 for his last 17!) When there are 162 games, that’s silly. If there were 16 games, it would be entirely justified. The vagaries of luck that constantly fiddle with the fortunes of players and teams would be handed the keys to the control panel of the entire season.

Keeping in mind that this all occurred as a small piece of a long season, here are some things that were true after 16 games in 2011:

- The Red Sox were 5-11. The Indians were 12-4. The Royals were 10-6. The Braves were 7-9. The Rockies were 12-4. The Diamondacks were 8-8.

- Of course, it also must be said that the Yankees were 10-6, the Twins were 6-10, the Phillies were 10-6 and the Astros were 5-11. Not everything goes haywire in two weeks.

- Albert Pujols was hitting .239/.288/.433. Matt Kemp was hitting .474/.545/.719. Sam Fuld was hitting .396/.431/.604. Dan Uggla was hitting .177/.203/.371. Great players can look bad for 16 games, and vice versa. In 2006, Chris Shelton hit nine homers in the Tigers’ first 13 games; in other words, strange things can happen.

So a 16-game schedule would take a Prince Fielderesque bite out of baseball’s traditional sense of roster construction and game management. It would turn every regular season into not necessarily a crapshoot, but certainly a much more unpredictable free-for-all. It would detonate current salary norms, the arbitration system and much more of the game’s infrastructure.

It would be pandemonium. And as tempting as it is to imagine New York talk radio after a 2-5 start by the Yankees, I think we can all agree this would be one massive cut our country doesn’t need.

-- Follow Hitting The Cutoff Man on Twitter at HitTheCutoff

If you’re like me, you probably find it endlessly entertaining when position players are forced to pitch in blowouts or long extra-inning games. Usually it’s a utility-type guy, like Wilson Valdez earlier this year for the Phillies or Skip Schumaker on Tuesday for the Cardinals.

But it’s also fun to think about how other players would do on the mound. For example, there was talk Sunday that the Dodgers’ James Loney -- a big pitching prospect in high school -- might pitch against the Rockies to help a worn-out bullpen. Alas, he didn’t get the chance.

Luckily there exists an alternate dimension that is very much like ours except guys who became big league position players here instead became pitchers there. To provide a glimpse into this strange world, I am providing scouting reports for some of its pitchers with whom you might be familiar.

JEFF FRANCOEUR
Role: Closer
Best Pitch: Four-seam fastball
Biggest Weakness: Lack of secondary pitches
Key Stat: Average velocity of 102.3 mph
The Scout Says: Francoeur on the mound is like a runaway train: He’s full speed ahead in one direction until something derails him. Best pure velocity I’ve ever seen, but his promise every year to develop a breaking ball has never gone anywhere. He throws hard enough to be pretty effective and usually blows guys away early in innings, but when the manager overextends him, he can blow up big time.

COLBY RASMUS
Role: Mid-rotation starter
Best Pitch: Curveball
Biggest Weakness: Awareness
Key Stat: Career average of 4 2/3 innings per start
The Scout Says: This guy is an ace in the making if he can put it all together, and he shows flashes of brilliance. But he also pouts when things go wrong, shakes off more signs than anyone I’ve ever seen and just stares into space when his pitching coach goes out to talk with him. Plus, once the game gets into about the fifth inning, you can see him just lose interest. He actually keeps a Game Boy on the mound next to the rosin bag and will start playing with it while the infield throws the ball around after strikeouts.

JEFF MATHIS
Role: Back-of-the-rotation starter
Best Pitch: N/A
Biggest Weakness: Pitching
Key Stat: Career ERA of 13.26
The Scout Says: As I understand it, Jeff Mathis is pitching in the major leagues because his manager feels he makes the offense better by forcing them to score so the team doesn’t lose by an embarrassing amount of runs. I once saw an umpire eject him following back-to-back-to-back-back home runs, just to move the game along.

RYAN HOWARD
Role: Ace
Best Pitch: Four-seam fastball
Biggest Weakness: Home runs
Key Stat: Career .764 winning percentage
The Scout Says: Howard’s a solid pitcher, but he has only one plus pitch, can struggle badly against right-handed batters and gives up a lot of fly balls. That leads to a lot of homers. Objectively, he’s about an average starting pitcher, who has a good defense behind him and lots of run support. Of course, he went 21-4 last season, which many held up as an example of him “pitching to the score.”

JOSE BAUTISTA
Role: Ace
Best Pitch: Cutter
Biggest Weakness: Fielding
Key Stat: 1.72 ERA past two seasons
The Scout Says: I saw Bautista pitch a few mop-up innings back in 2008 and was so unimpressed I actually just doodled instead of writing a scouting report. Then I saw him as a starter last season and he had revamped his mechanics and added a plus cutter. The guy was a completely different pitcher, which has led to some vague accusations that he’s messing with the ball, but I haven’t seen any actual evidence of it.

JUAN PIERRE
Role: Left-handed relief specialist
Best Pitch: Eephus
Biggest Weakness: Velocity
Key Stat: Career 1.7 K/9
The Scout Says: Sometimes it seems like Pierre literally cannot get the ball from the mound to home plate. During a recent appearance I clocked his pitches between negative-13 and 6 miles per hour, which allowed the catcher and umpire to play a game of chess between offerings.

JACK CUST
Role: Middle reliever
Best Pitch: Splitter
Biggest Weakness: Pitch counts
Key Stat: Career 16.4 K/9, 8.7 BB/9
The Scout Says: Cust is probably the most difficult man in baseball to make contact against because of his hard, diving splitter. But he also falls in love with it too much and throws it even when behind in the count, which leads to a lot of free passes. He is a bit of an albatross for managers because he can only pitch once every three days or so due to averaging 42 pitches per inning.

HUNTER PENCE
Role: Mid-rotation starter
Best Pitch: Screwball
Biggest Weakness: Control
Key Stat: Has led league in wild pitches in every full season of his career.
The Scout Says: Pence has the worst mechanics I’ve ever seen. The result is a lot of walks, but his delivery, which is all elbows and knees coming at the batter, is deceptive and generates lots of swinging strikes. And that screwball is just so fun!

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The Dodgers beat the Padres on Monday in a battle of woeful NL West clubs, and like many LA victories these days, the driving force largely consisted of two players. Clayton Kershaw gave up two runs in a complete game, and Matt Kemp doubled, tripled and drove in a run.

You could sum up the Dodgers’ season by saying that nearly everything has gone wrong, except for Kershaw and Kemp. The former is one of the top few pitchers in the National League; the latter is one of the NL’s best position players. The rest of the team has resembled a black hole.

That brought me to this question: Are the Dodgers baseball’s most top-heavy team? There’s no precise way to answer that since “top-heavy” has no precise definition when it comes to baseball teams.

But I took an entirely unscientific shot anyway. For each team, I added the best two players’ FanGraphs wins above replacement (fWAR) -- through Wednesday's games -- and divided that number by the entire team’s. What I found was that my hunch was almost correct, but just like pitchers around baseball, it was foiled by a certain slugger residing north of the border.

Baseball’s five most top-heavy teams

1. Toronto Blue Jays
Jose Bautista (6.9) + Yunel Escobar (4.2) / 26.4 total = 42.05 %
Comment: Bautista holds a sliver of an edge over Dustin Pedroia as baseball’s most valuable player by fWAR. The guy simply is the best hitter on the planet right now, and it’s not close. Escobar, traded from Atlanta to Toronto last season, is vastly outperforming his Braves replacement, Alex Gonzalez.

2. Los Angeles Dodgers
Matt Kemp (5.3) + Clayton Kershaw (4.7) / 24.3 total = 41.15 %
Comment: The Dodgers only have five other players with even 1 WAR. Meanwhile, Kershaw ranks sixth among MLB pitchers and Kemp seventh among MLB position players. It’s lonely being good at Chavez Ravine this year.

3. Pittsburgh Pirates
Andrew McCutchen (5.2) + Neil Walker (2.0) / 17.7 total = 40.68 %
Comment: When you look at this, it is both difficult to see how the Pirates hung around near the top of the NL Central standings so long and easy to see why they have been backsliding of late. The Bucs have been a great story but also one with a single strong main character in McCutchen and not much else that promises sustainability.

4. Seattle Mariners
Felix Hernandez (3.7) + Doug Fister (3.0) / 17.0 total = 39.41 %
Comment: Here is a true fact – The Mariners’ top three position players by fWAR are Brendan Ryan, June callup Dustin Ackley and Adam Kennedy. Yeesh. Fister has now been traded to the Tigers, leaving fellow pitcher Michael Pineda (2.7 fWAR) as the team’s second-best performer.

5. Houston Astros
Michael Bourn (3.4) + Hunter Pence (2.5) / 15 total = 39.33 %
Comment: Yep, the Astros’ two best players this year are no longer Astros. The next two guys in line are Clint Barmes and the shell of Carlos Lee. In other words, feel the excitement of Astros baseball!

And in case you were wondering, for some reason, your least top-heavy (most bottom-heavy?) is …

30. Atlanta Braves
Brian McCann (3.6) + Tim Hudson (2.7) / 29.4 total = 21.43 %
Comment: Despite being solidly in playoff position, the Braves have not had too many real standout performers this year. Of course, Bourn is now in the fold, joining a cast of solid players (plus Scott Proctor).

Conclusion: First of all, it's obviously the case that the results would be somewhat different if we measured by each team's top player only or top three players or top four players.

It does make sense that most bad teams rank higher in this rating than most good teams. After all, even bad teams tend to have one or two good players, and their WAR will be a higher percentage of the team's than someone on a good team. But there are exceptions. Four of the bottom five teams are the playoff-contending Braves, Rangers, Yankees and Cardinals, but the Marlins and A's are mixed in with them. The Phillies and Red Sox, baseball's two best teams, rank in the middle of the pack.

So what do we learn? Well, not much. But hey, at least the Dodgers lead the National League in something other than lawsuits.

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The year is 2044, in the clubhouse of MLB’s Boise Bears (It’s kind of a long story). A promising rookie outfielder, Boise’s top prospect, enters. He has just been called up to the big leagues for the first time. He walks over to his new locker and sets down his bag, taking in the moment. Someone taps him on the shoulder, and he turns around.

Clubhouse Attendant: Hey kid, welcome to The Show. You’ve got some mail. (hands Rookie a blank envelope secured with a golden seal).

Rookie: Uhh, thanks. Who is this from? How did anyone even know I was here yet?

Clubhouse Attendant: I dunno, kid. When I came here this morning, some guy with a wispy mustache and wraparound sunglasses handed it to me, said it was for you. He wouldn’t tell me who he was.

Rookie: That’s strange. Well, thanks.

Clubhouse Attendant leaves. Rookie sits down and opens the envelope, pulling out a neatly typed letter. He begins to read ...

---

To The Next Big Thing:

We have never met, and yet I feel a strong connection to you. Let me back up -- my name is Colby Rasmus. You might remember me a bit from your childhood, but you’re probably too young to remember me when I was still like you are now: heralded, full of potential, seemingly without limits. I have been following your minor league exploits avidly, and when I heard through the grapevine you were about to get brought up, I felt the need to reach out. We have so much in common, and I want you to avoid the same fate that befell me in my career. I want you to excel and most of all, to be loved and appreciated by the Boise faithful. So I offer you these Ten Commandments. Take heed, my young friend, lest you wake up one day to find that a snarky hashtag is your greatest source of fan support.

1. Get your uniform as dirty as possible: You need to view a clean uniform as a badge of dishonor. The fans expect you to work hard, and every speck of dirt offers proof. That means lots and lots of sliding, especially into first base. If you’re having trouble getting dirty naturally, just grab a couple handfuls of the infield and slather it on.

2. The key to defense is the appearance of maximum effort: I can’t stress this enough: If you appear to glide around the outfield, “coasting” on your natural speed, you might as well give the fans the finger while you’re at it. If there is a fly ball you know you can get to at 70 percent effort, turn that up to 100 percent and take a circuitous route to compensate. Feel free to throw in an unnecessary headfirst dive at the end. (Bonus note: Sustaining a concussion by crashing into an outfield wall is way better than looking like a wuss).

3. Run the bases like someone set you on fire: This one is pretty self-explanatory.

4. Productive outs are your lifeblood: When you bat with someone on base, you exist only to advance that runner. Set down a nice bunt or at least hit the ball to the right side with a man on second base and you will be rewarded with all the high fives you could ever want and maybe even a curtain call.

5. Only losers strike out. Only nerds walk: Just as the basis of all life is carbon, the basis of all winning baseball is contact. Fans come to watch the ball in play. This is doubly true if runners are in scoring position. Be a real man and swing the bat.

6. The Manager is God: Your skipper has been leading men longer than you have been alive. More importantly, he has read the secret and mystical Managerial Scrolls that contain the collective wisdom of the ancients. His brain is probably at least three times as big as yours. Respect that and maybe polish his hover boots every once in a while, and you’ll keep seeing your name on the lineup card.

7. Don’t underestimate the power of facial hair: People sometimes say the hair makes the man, but since baseball players are usually wearing hats or batting helmets, the facial hair absorbs that responsibility. Go with a full beard if you can manage, and if not, some type of creative goatee/soul patch thing. If it comes down to it, clean shaven is preferable to dirt ‘stache.

8. Be a clubhouse presence: Are you kind of reserved or maybe a little socially awkward? Either switch to playing computer games for a living or GET OVER IT. Prank and be pranked. Tell lots of lewd jokes. Maybe organize some naked batting practice. You know, guy stuff.

9. Tell your dad to chill out: If your dad is anything like mine, you should probably tell him to chill out.

10. Honor the BFIB: I hope that by now you have heard that you will be playing in front of the BFIB (Boise-est Fans In Baseball). It is a privilege and an honor, and if you follow the first nine of these commandments, you will be loved forever. I mean, not as much as your team’s utility guy, but still a lot. That said, it can’t hurt to acknowledge every so often in interviews that these fans are, in fact, the Boise-est. Love is a two-way street.

---

The Rookie folds up the letter and runs a finger thoughtfully through his dirt ‘stache. He sits there for a few seconds in quiet contemplation. Then he shrugs, tosses the letter on the ground and gets up.

Rookie: Hey, I wonder if there are any Pop-Tarts in here! (End scene)

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During trade deadline season, a baseball fan hears and reads more rumors than an Us Weekly reporter. It’s fun, exhausting and even a little scary -- if you’re worried your GM might, say, mortgage your team’s future for a relief pitcher.

What’s more, these rumors actually come to fruition at a much lower rate than Adam Dunn makes contact these days. With that in mind, here are five that are about as likely as any others, courtesy of a trusted baseball source.*

Giants trade minor league OF Gary Brown to Astros for 2B Craig Biggio.
The Giants need some infield help, and GM Brian Sabean loves veterans like Brian Wilson loves attention. Usually Sabean contents himself with long-in-the-tooth players, but look for him to explore a new frontier here: players so long-in-the-tooth, they retired four years ago. Sensing an opportunity, the Astros bring Biggio out of retirement and deal him for Brown, a good outfield prospect who admittedly has 3,060 fewer major league hits than Biggio. Despite the long layoff, Biggio outhits Aubrey Huff the rest of the way.

Brewers trade minor leaguers P Mark Rogers, P Cody Scarpetta, P Wily Peralta, IF Scooter Gennett, OF Kentrail Davis, P Tyler Thornburg, IF Eric Farris, P Jimmy Nelson, P Kyle Heckathorn and P Amaury Rivas to Dodgers for IF Jamey Carroll and P Mike MacDougal.
We’re still about two weeks away from the deadline and already we have been informed 3,000 times that the Brewers are going “all-in” for this year. But if that’s the case, just paying for K-Rod’s services isn’t enough. GM Doug Melvin must trade like there’s no next year, hence this deal, which sends the team’s top 10 prospects (according to Baseball America’s pre-season rankings) to the Dodgers for some infield help and an extra bullpen arm. The Brewers then shut down their farm system.

Athletics trade a player to be named later to the White Sox for IF Mark Teahen; trade OF Coco Crisp, P Brandon McCarthy and P Craig Breslow to the Yankees for OF Nick Swisher.
The Moneyball movie opens Sept. 23. Since, as we all know, A’s GM Billy Beane wrote the book and the screenplay and directed the film, he has every incentive to promote it. He will do so by getting some of the old gang back together, swinging two separate deals for members of the team’s 2002 draft class discussed in the book. Asked why he did not also contact the Giants about Miguel Tejada and Barry Zito, Beane does a spit take onto his spreadsheet and says, “Geez, I’m not THAT desperate.”

Mariners trade P Felix Hernandez, P Brandon League to Phillies for minor leaguers 1B/OF Jonathan Singleton, P Jarred Cosart, P Trevor May, C Sebastian Valle.
Oh, the horror! With Roy Oswalt sidelined indefinitely, the Phillies’ rotation features only three aces. This will not stand. GM Ruben Amaro springs into action and finds a partner in the Mariners, who back in 2009 dealt prospects to Philly for Cliff Lee. This time, the ace heads the other direction along with some relief help. The Phillies take a sigh of relief, knowing they can slide Cole Hamels back into the No. 4 spot in the rotation, where he clearly belongs. Informed that he now will be supported offensively by the likes of Chase Utley and Shane Victorino, King Felix reacts this way

Yankees trade 1B Mark Teixeira and cash to Pirates for 1B Lyle Overbay.
“I just think it’s so cool what the Pirates are doing this year,” Yankees GM Brian Cashman said. “I know we’re also in a pennant race, but like, we’re in a pennant race every year. Teixeira is great, but he would mean so much more to Pittsburgh than he would to us. Plus, I’m just so tired of everyone calling us the “Evil Empire” and such, so I thought it was time to do a good deed.” Despite solid production from Teixeira, the Pirates still miss the playoffs. Meanwhile, Cashman disappears about five minutes after giving that quote to reporters and is never seen again.

*My baseball source: a baseball I keep on my desk that talks to me. His name is Jasper.

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Imagine this crazy All-Star scenario: a team for each division, creating a six-team tournament. Will it happen? No. Should it happen? Also, no.

But if it did, theoretically, I decided to see what the teams might look like. It was an exercise in curiosity about division strength, and also boredom.

Here is a glimpse at each team, ranked in ascending order of perceived strength. Note: I only picked an abbreviated roster for each squad, because that felt like plenty under the circumstances. Another note: Selections are based on 2011 performance only.

AL Central
Starting lineup: 1. Denard Span - CF, 2. Alex Gordon - LF, 3. Miguel Cabrera - 1B, 4. Paul Konerko - DH, 5. Brennan Boesch - RF, 6. Jhonny Peralta - SS, 7. Alex Avila - C, 8. Wilson Betemit - 3B, 9. Gordon Beckham - 2B
Bench: Asdrubal Cabrera, Victor Martinez, Carlos Quentin, Travis Hafner.
Starting pitchers: Justin Verlander, Justin Masterson, Edwin Jackson, Scott Baker, Phil Humber.
Relievers: Sergio Santos, Glen Perkins, Al Alburquerque.

Comments: It’s going to be super awkward when Beckham walks into the team clubhouse and Miguel Cabrera is all like, “What are you doing here? You have a .291 wOBA as of July 7.” And then Beckham gets all defensive because he wasn’t the one who picked the team, and besides, it’s not his fault the other options at second were Chris Getz and Alexi Casilla. What, does Miguel want to cover the whole right side of the infield by himself? No? That’s what I thought.

AL West
Starting lineup: 1. Howie Kendrick - 2B, 2. Michael Young - DH, 3. Josh Hamilton - LF, 4. Nelson Cruz - RF, 5. Adrian Beltre - 3B, 6. Justin Smoak - 1B, 7. Mike Napoli - C, 8. Peter Bourjos - CF, 9. Elvis Andrus - SS
Bench:Ian Kinsler, Bobby Abreu, Coco Crisp, Erick Aybar
Starting pitchers: Jered Weaver, Dan Haren, Felix Hernandez, C.J. Wilson, Michael Pineda.
Relievers: Jordan Walden, Brandon League, Scott Downs.

Comments: This team obviously has the misfortune of drawing from only four organizations. With two of those being the A’s and Mariners, it’s not surprising the offense is a little underwhelming. Luckily, with the Angels not being defending division champs, Mike Scioscia is not this team’s manager, which means he can’t find a way to play Jeff Mathis (even though he’s not on the roster anyways).

NL West
Starting lineup: 1. Carlos Gonzalez - CF, 2. Matt Kemp - LF, 3. Pablo Sandoval - 3B, 4. Troy Tulowitzki - SS, 5. Andre Ethier - DH, 6. Justin Upton - RF, 7. Miguel Montero - C, 8. Todd Helton - 1B, 9. Jamey Carroll - 2B
Bench:Chris Young, Stephen Drew, Cameron Maybin, Chase Headley
Starting pitchers: Clayton Kershaw, Tim Lincecum, Daniel Hudson, Matt Cain, Madison Bumgarner.
Relievers: Heath Bell, Mike Adams, Sergio Romo.

Comments: Frank McCourt is suing this team for using his players without his permission. This has Helton all bent out of shape, but Ethier just looks at him and is like, “Welcome to our world.” Anyways, this lineup has good thump, something the starting pitchers here are confused but excited about. Luckily the clubhouse is stocked with some helpful brochures titled, “Run Support and You: A Guide To Feeling Loved.”

NL Central
Starting lineup: 1. Andrew McCutchen - CF, 2. Rickie Weeks - 2B, 3. Joey Votto - 1B, 4. Matt Holliday - RF, 5. Prince Fielder - DH, 6. Ryan Braun - LF, 7. Aramis Ramirez - 3B, 8. Yadier Molina - C, 9. Starlin Castro - SS
Bench:Albert Pujols, Lance Berkman, Brandon Phillips, Michael Bourn
Starting pitchers: Jaime Garcia, Chris Carpenter, Shaun Marcum, Zack Greinke, Matt Garza.
Relievers: Joel Hanrahan, John Axford, Sean Marshall.

Comments: “Look at all these good players!” Castro says to Ramirez. “They’re on OUR team now!” Ramirez sighs deeply and nods. Memories of the old days flood his head and push a single tear down his weathered cheek. It’s hard to think about but impossible not to. “Live in the moment and enjoy it,” he advises Castro. “People in our situation must savor the good times, fleeting as they are.” Castro looks at his older teammate, sees how the years in Chicago have beaten him down. “Sure, Aramis,” he says. “I got ya.” But he doesn’t truly understand -- not yet.

NL East
Starting lineup: 1. Jose Reyes - SS, 2. Shane Victorino - CF, 3. Gaby Sanchez - 1B, 4. Carlos Beltran - LF, 5. Brian McCann - C, 6. Mike Stanton - RF, 7. Mike Morse - DH, 8. Danny Espinosa - 2B, 9. Placido Polanco - 3B
Bench:Ryan Howard, Jimmy Rollins, Daniel Murpy, Martin Prado
Starting pitchers: Roy Halladay, Cole Hamels, Cliff Lee, Jair Jurrjens, Jordan Zimmermann.
Relievers: Craig Kimbrel, Jonny Venters, Ryan Madson.

Comments: The great thing about an all-star team is getting to imagine what it would be like if a bunch of great players got thrown together and could join forces. Like, imagine a one-two punch at the top of a lineup of Jose Reyes and Shane Victorino. What energy! Or, imagine if you could field a starting rotation with Roy Halladay, Cole Hamels AND Cliff Lee! Why, that would be insane!

AL East
Starting lineup: 1. Jacoby Ellsbury - CF, 2. Curtis Granderson - LF, 3. Jose Bautista - RF, 4. Adrian Gonzalez - 1B, 5. Alex Rodriguez, 3B, 6. David Ortiz - DH, 7. Ben Zobrist - 2B, 8. Yunel Escobar - SS, 9. Matt Wieters - C
Bench:Mark Teixeira, Dustin Pedroia, Matt Joyce, Brett Gardner
Starting pitchers: CC Sabathia, David Price, James Shields, Josh Beckett, Jon Lester.
Relievers: Mariano Rivera, David Robertson, Jonathan Papelbon.

Comments: “Hey Zobrist,” Shields says, “Did you hear the exciting news? ESPN is going to broadcast all of our all-star team’s games! That’s some great exposure!” Zobrist looks down at his shoes, feeling awkward. James is so clearly thrilled, and it would be a shame to bring him down. But it’s just like his grandpa always said: Tell the truth, even if it hurts. He closes his eyes and steels himself for the task ahead. “Yes, I heard,” Zobrist says. “But there’s something you should know. When nobody on the Red Sox or Yankees is either pitching or batting, they are going to cut to a reel of Jeter’s career highlights.”

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Since Buster Olney reported a few days ago that MLB is considering a realignment plan, the baseball world has been abuzz with people weighing in or offering their own ideas.

While realignment is still far from actually happening, it sounds like we could see two 15-team leagues with no divisions and the top five teams from each league making the playoffs.

What most people don't realize is that the plan that has gained traction was hardly the first or only plan. Commissioner Bud Selig has toyed with numerous ideas, some of which he has discussed with trusted advisers, and some of which he has kept to himself.

But these ideas are private no longer. I can't reveal how, but I have obtained Bud's personal journal, in which he has brainstormed considerably about realignment. Here is proof that this is the real deal:



Here are five ideas I found that apparently never got past the early stages of planning, ripped from Selig's journal:

We have the world's greatest, most important rivalry; let's take advantage!

• Split MLB into two leagues
• League A consists of the Red Sox and Yankees, who play each other 162 times. The team with the best record makes the World Series.
• League B consists of the other 28 teams, who each play each other six times. The top eight teams make the playoffs, with the last team remaining after three rounds qualifying for the World Series.