Hitting The Cutoff Man

On Sunday I took in a Class A minor league game between the Asheville Tourists and Savannah Sand Gnats at Asheville's historic McCormick Stadium, which opened in 1924 and, according to my game program, has seen the likes of Ty Cobb, Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, Mel Ott, Hank Greenberg, Dizzy Dean, Jackie Robinson, Duke Snider, Pee Wee Reese and Willie Stargell play games there over the years.

Asheville won the game, 9-4, but Savannah is the clear victor in another respect: The Sand Gnats is clearly the superior name.

Minor league baseball is all about charming hokeyness and pizazz -- the attention-grabbing promotions, the sometimes bizarre between-innings entertainment. It's all part of the show that attempts to make up for whatever the play on the field might lack. But to me, one of the best aspects of minor league ball is the team names. Not counting the lowest level rookie league teams, there are still more than 150 minor league organizations. What follows is a breakdown of the worst and best (and you might hear from the Sand Gnats again).

DQ'd, lack of effort Unfortunately there are a lot of the most boring sort of name out there -- a copy of the big club's moniker. I understand that in some cases, there is history involved (as well as branding), but to me this is unacceptable. At least try to be quirky and a little out there! A derisive shake of my head goes to the San Jose Giants, Iowa Cubs, Omaha Royals, Dunedin Blue Jays, Kinston Indians, etc. I'm also including too-close-to-ignore names like the Memphis Redbirds (a Cardinals affiliate).

Too mainstream Just because you didn't copy an MLB team, it doesn't put you in the clear. Some teams apparently thought they could get away with sharing names with teams in other major sports (Hagerstown Suns, Rochester Red Wings, High Desert Mavericks, Vancouver Canadians -- different spelling but close enough, Durham Bulls, Columbus Clippers, Harrisburg Senators, Boise Hawks, Ogden Raptors, Yakima Bears, Peoria Chiefs, Fresno Grizzlies). Others just lacked a creative spark (Lake Elsinore Storm, Buffalo Bisons, Dayton Dragons and Kane County Cougars, for example). In a perfect world, minor league names should be ones that don't exist anywhere else on the planet -- not at a high school, a college, in major league lacrosse, anywhere. -- EDIT: As a bunch of people are pointing out in the comments, several of these names, like the Bulls, existed before they were used by a pro team in another sport. I knew this and didn't mean to suggest the minor league team ripped off the pro team, but I don't think I was clear at all. The point was not to criticize the name selection, but simply point out that the names were no longer unique and therefore, less interesting.

Fake compound animal name division One naming strategy that seems to be favored in minor league baseball is to take a common, boring animal name and slap a modifier in front of it to make it unique. Usually the name that is created is not the name of an actual animal. For feline fanatics, you've got the River Cats, Rock Cats, Valley Cats, Mudcats and Hillcats, not to mention the Flying Tigers (which is a scary thought). If you're more of a canine kind of person, you can watch the Sea Dogs, Muckdogs, RiverDogs or RockHounds -- or the SeaWolves, if you're feeling more feral. Those with avian ardor might prefer the JetHawks, Silver Hawks, RedHawks (might be real) or Mud Hens. In addition, there are the BayBears and my favorite in this category, the Lehigh Valley IronPigs. Wikipedia says, "The name is a reference to pig iron, used in the manufacturing of steel, for which the Lehigh Valley region of Pennsylvania is world-renowned." But I prefer to think the team is trying to intimidate opponents with thoughts of bacon that breaks your teeth when you try to chew it.

OK, now let's get on to the main event: Our top 5. There is no exact template for a great minor league team name, but the best ones should be unique, off-kilter and a little weird. They could inspire intimidation -- or chuckles. There were lots of good choices, but here's my list.

5. Vermont Lake Monsters -- Anyone who has ever come across the History Channel show "MonsterQuest" whilst channel surfing can appreciate some cryptozoology. The Lake Monsters, who play in Burlington, Vermont, take their name and mascot from Champ, a monster who supposedly lives in Lake Champlain. In fact, the eternally disappointed team on MonsterQuest investigated Champ ("America's Loch Ness Monster") in its first episode. I don't recall seeing that one, but I'll go out on a limb and guess they didn't find him. And all they had to do was go to Centennial Field!

4. Jamestown Jammers -- Maybe I'm just a sucker for alliteration, but I like the way this one rolls off the tongue, as well as its multiple potential meanings. Does Jamestown put you in a jam with their offensive attack, do they mesmerize you with their groovy slow jams or do they make you too sticky to play well with assorted jellies and preserves? Considering their mascot is a scowling bunch of grapes holding a bat, I guess it's the latter. According to Wikipedia, the team changed its logo to the current version in 2006 and it "represents the strong tradition of grape-growing in Chautauqua County." Oh, and the team's mascot is a purple gorilla named Bubba Grape, the baseball ape. Just keep him away from your kids when he's flying high on a jam-infused sugar rush.

3. Montgomery Biscuits -- Unfortunately, the Biscuits do not play in the same league as the Jammers (mmmm ... biscuits and jam). But according to Wikipedia, fans at the team's games do have the pleasure of catching biscuits that are shot into the stands via air cannon. Much tastier than a T-shirt, I'd say. The mascot is some indeterminate creature named Big Mo, who is "a fuzzy and fun Biscuit Lovin Beast," and naturally weighs "more than a baker's dozen."

2. Albuquerque Isotopes -- If you are not a fan of classic TV cartoon comedies featuring yellow-hued characters, you can assume this name references New Mexico's rich history of nuclear science and enjoy the glorification of chemistry. Otherwise, you can appreciate the name as an homage. I say this is a great name for I am the Mayor of Albuquerque!

1. Savannah Sand Gnats -- Well, you knew this was coming. My first reaction to this name was an appropriate one: What the hell is a sand gnat? But apparently if you live on the Georgia coast, where Savannah is located, you are all too aware of them. This is because they bite. According to Georgia's Coastal Resources Division, "Sand gnats don't just puncture your skin like mosquitoes do. Instead they rip it open using sharp cutting teeth located on the mandible." On the other hand, they are, "... integral features of a healthy salt marsh ecosystem..." So the sand gnat is not well known, yet regionally appropriate and intimidating in its own way. Plus, their logo is a buff sand gnat with sunglasses swinging a bat, and their mascot is a goofy looking giant sand gnat named Gnate.

Honorable mentions -- Rancho Cucamonga Quakes (I like saying, "Rancho Cucamonga"); Las Vegas 51s (Cool name, but mascot looks like Jar Jar Binks); West Tennessee Diamond Jaxx (Logo is a prospector with a sweet mustache).

Dishonorable mentions -- Orem Owlz (Intentional misspellings are not cool); West Virginia Power (I'm imagining white hoods); Idaho Falls Chukars (named after a gamebird, aka a bird that is often hunted -- intimidating!).

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