Heroes & Villains

Baseball has become bery, bery boring. Sorry, but this season just doesn't do anything for me. No home run records are being threatened and only two players have more than 30. Yawn!

Not even the infamous SNL fictional character Chico Escuela can save baseball from its current state of averageness.

I remember the good old days when at least 10 guys were on pace for 50 home runs in one season and sluggers would routinely crack the upper deck with their herculean blasts. Now that's exciting!

Here's my solution: let's send a text or Tweet to all the known steroid users in the majors and give them carte blanche on all the PED bottles in the market. I want Alex Rodriguez to be A-Rod again. I want David Ortiz to reprise his Big Papi persona. And, I want Manny to be Manny.



Rodriguez, once considered the best player on the planet and his coronation as the game's home-run king was a foregone conclusion, is hitting just .261 with 19 home runs and 60 runs batted in; below-average numbers for a guy who is a lifetime .304 hitter, blasted 54 home runs in 2007 and is just 28 home runs shy of 600.

A-Rod can't seem to find his old powerful bat, a swing that earned him three American League MVP awards and several dates with Madonna.

Ortiz, whose popularity in Boston rivals Larry Bird's and Tom Brady's, is now reduced to being a spot player, hitting a meager .225 - his lowest batting average since 2001 - and had just 15 home runs through 98 games.

Big Papi has hit less than 30 home runs just twice in the last eight years, and it doesn't look like he'll reach that number this season.

Ortiz's good buddy Manny Ramirez, whose legend grew to iconic status when he moved west and joined the Los Angeles Dodgers, is slumping as well and needs a little pick-me-up. Dodger fans became so enamored with Manny that they named a section of Dodger Stadium "MannyWood." (Dodger fans must be really desperate for a hero. They didn't even do that for Kirk Gibson.)

Since returning from his maternity leave (or his 50-game suspension for testing positive for a female fertility drug), Ramirez has an un-Manny-like .309 average and has driven just 40 runs. In 153 games last year with the Red Sox and Dodgers, Ramirez hit 37 home runs and drove in 121.

It is very possible that each of these guys are suffering from post-PED syndrome. Or, in simple terms, the steroids that once ruled their bodies and aided them in maintaining their incredible power are now running on empty and almost completely gone from their systems.

Somebody needs a refill.

Is A-Rod distracted? It's possible, but he's in New York for heaven's sake. Distraction is part of the Big Apple lifestyle. Is Ortiz finally showing his age? Probably, but it was never an issue before when he was pounding balls off the Green Monster. Did Manny forget how to hit? Doubtful, but he's certainly not hitting like the old Manny.

Whatever the case may be, our heroes need their medicine and let them decide if they wish to destroy their bodies. It's their prerogative. Baseball is so dirty right now that no steroid policy can ever get rid of the stain left by the growing list of cheaters. An entire era has been diluted.

Ortiz has flatly denied that he used performance enhancers, and Rodriguez is claiming ignorance as his defense. Blah!...Blah!...Blah! Whatever, dudes. Just go back to the GNC store and bulk up. As for Manny, well, he already served out his punishment so he should be allowed to return to his normal steroid cycle.

Since baseball can't execute a do-over, let's just give A-Rod, Big Papi and Manny whatever they need and then watch them perform super-human feats on the field.