Lord Stan The Man

USA’s squad for the 2010 World Cup: Solid, but fairly unspectacular. The reason for this good but not great roster is the same reason as to why soccer (or “football,” as they say ... everywhere else in the world) has not been able to succeed compared to other sports in America. Simply put, our best athletes primarily play basketball and football (our version).

Although youth soccer programs are still fairly large in the U.S., you don’t have to look past high school athletics to see why the Americans have never performed particularly well at the World Cup, or even at the international club level. Out of the top ten best athletes in a typical high school, how many of them do you think play soccer as their first sport? Maybe one?

Of course, there are exceptions to the rule. At my own high school, for example, one of the best athletes (if not the best athlete) in the school was a women’s soccer player. But in general, America’s best athletes are currently starring in the NFL, NBA and even MLB, not on the soccer pitch.

But what if some of these professional athletes had decided to make soccer their priority from day one? US Soccer, I hope you’re reading: If the Americans show poorly against England, you may want to consider this roster for the next match against Slovenia.

THE STARTING XI

Forward: LeBron James

LeBron starred at wide receiver in high school, and he obviously has unbelievable leaping ability. Plus, he has the single name possibility (a la Kaká of Brazil or Spain’s Xavi) that automatically would make him ten times better. Using his basketball-style footwork and sheer athleticism, “LeBron” would make for an awesome striker for the USA. And then he could go play for New York (the Red Bulls).

Forward: Chris Johnson

The third forward on this dream team wouldn’t quite fit the mold of LeBron, but he would fit the mold of a typical soccer star. The best player in the world right now is Lionel Messi, and he stands at a mere 5-7. But every squad needs its lightning bolt up front, and the Tennessee Titans star running back could very well be the NFL’s fastest player. His agility would translate very nicely from the gridiron to the soccer pitch, and would give the United States some needed explosiveness up front. And every team needs some dreadlocks.



Midfield: Kobe Bryant

Hands down, Kobe Bryant has the best footwork in the NBA. No, he doesn’t quite have the raw athleticism of LeBron or Calvin Johnson, but Kobe’s footwork, leaping ability and poise would fit nicely in the midfield area. The only issue is that a guy like Wayne Rooney might actually assault Kobe, if he sees Bryant's signature left-handed fistpump/jaw clench combo. I'm not sure if I would complain.

Midfield: Rajon Rondo

Another hoopster with excellent footwork? Rajon Rondo. This guy is quick and nimble on his feet, and has the vision to see the entire field. He would be instrumental in getting the ball up front to the athletic forwards. And "Rondo" is close enough to "Ronaldo," which means that he is automatically good.



Midfield: Dwyane Wade

Quick, athletic, and has a nicely shaped noggin for heading the ball. And every squad needs a great flopper.

Midfield: Chad Ochocinco

The Bengals receiver is obviously very gifted athletically. But last preseason, we saw him boot an extra point perfectly. He has a passion for soccer as well, and he would come up with some of the best celebrations in World Cup history. And if you tell him that Americans can’t compete in soccer? Child please.



Defense: Joakim Noah

Because every team needs another flopper. (And he has the same hair as Ronaldhino!)

Defense: Calvin Johnson

The Detroit Lions superstar wide receiver would make a great forward for all the same reasons that LeBron would, but he would make a great defender as well. He stands at a menacing 6-5, and his long legs and huge strides would make him difficult for any defender to handle. And his height would make him perfect for heading the ball downfield. Plus, he’d probably have a better chance to win the FIFA World Cup with the USA than the Super Bowl with the Lions.

Defense: Ray Lewis

Just to scare the crap out of everyone.

Defense: Larry Fitzgerald

Great leaping ability, great athleticism, great hair. Basically all you need in soccer.

Goalkeeper: Troy Polamalu

You don’t think the Pittsburgh Steelers star safety would be one of the best goalkeepers in the tournament? As a safety in the NFL, his lateral motion is unmatched by any other athlete. His leaping ability is obviously amazing, and his instints are sharp. Of course I have no idea whether he can actually kick a ball, but with a little practice, he would make a great keeper. Great soccer hair too. I can't emphasize that enough.




And some other key personnel:

Reserve: Brian Moorman

Yes, he is a punter for the Buffalo Bills. But he is fast (90 speed a couple years ago in Madden!) and he obviously can boot the ball a mile. I’ll take him.

Reserve: Allen Iverson

Yeah, he’s a bit old and washed up (and by "a bit" I mean "very"), especially since soccer players hit their prime in their early 20’s. And yeah, he would be a horrible locker room cancer. And yeah, he played on the Memphis Grizzlies recently. OK maybe he shouldn’t be on the team.



Reserve: Adam Vinatieri

If you need that clutch penalty kick, this is the guy. Nate Kaeding probably wouldn't be the ideal fit.

Reserve: Darrelle Revis

Why not bring Revis Island onto the US Soccer team? The best cornerback in the NFL would be our best chance to lock down the likes of Lionel Messi or Didier Drogba. Maybe Rex Ryan can be an American soccer hooligan.

Coach: Bill Belichick

Just when you thought much of the world wouldn’t be able to hate America anymore: Meet our new coach, Bill Belichick! With assistant coaches Lane Kiffin and Dick Cheney!

Team Trainer: Jose Canseco

Even with this roster, we may need a little help against Brazil. Bud Selig won’t ask any questions, and neither should you.


Note: An anonymous commenter noted that Bill Simmons had discussed this in a column of his. I actually wrote this prior to the publication of that particular column, but I didn't post it because of other stories/timeliness. I would never simply copy the idea of another writer; this concept of the "Ultimate Starting XI" has intrigued me for years. Thank you for the concern, anonymous commenter. Believe me if you wish.


You can e-mail Stanley at lordstantheman@gmail.com with any comments or questions. Stanley writes a Detroit Lions blog for NFL.com's Blog Blitz powered by SportsFanLive.com.