Super Bowl: Top Ten Acts That Should've Been Picked Instead Of Madonna
- Sunday, February 5, 2012 12:33 PM
- Written By: Harry Parmenter
10. Bob Seger
Yeah, I know it's Indy not Detroit but he's tour fresh, mainstream boomer and a killer performer. Set list: Ramblin' Gamblin' Man/Get Out of Denver/Turn The Page/Old Time Rock N Roll. I mean, who books these things? A Ouija board would do better.
9. The Sex Pistols
Old, decrepit punks who could still shock the world. Limey bastards who still don't give a #$%^ and would make Janet's wardrobe malfunction look like a Teletubbie moment with Johnny Rotten's mere presence. Anarcy in the UK/Submission/Problems/Holidays in the Sun. So what if Roger Goodell has to resign afterward?!
8. The Stranglers (with Hugh Cornwell reunited as frontman and Baz Warne on rhythm)
Of course the best selling punk band ever would draw a total blank from the Indy crowd -- more's the better -- as they decimate America. Jean Jacques Burnel would scare the piss out of the crowd. Sometimes(I wanna smack your face)/5 Minutes (and you're almost dead)/Walk On By (just IMAGINE it! Dionne Warwick could join for psychic vox)/The Raven (greatest song ever recorded). They leave the stage to stunned silence.
7. The Black Keys
'Nuf said.
6. The Blue Oyster Cult
"Oooh yeah don't they do that Fear The Reaper thing?" Yes, but who gives a crap it wasn't on the best live album ever, On Your Feet Or On Your Knees (which would be the PA announcer's intro, natch). The Subhuman/Dominance and Submission (quintessential football anthem you've never heard of)/She's As Beautiful As A Foot (just for massive confusion)/Don't Fear The Reaper (nothing like a song about death to preface the second half dissolution of Team Belichick). And as an aside, I'm sorry Gisele Bundchen, your prayers for TB are kind of like Obama saying Jesus would approve of a tax hike for "the rich."
5. Don Rickles
His greatest career challenge. A complete non sequitur. Imagine what he could do with Coughlin and Belichick alone.
4. The Dictators
Best band ever to come outta NYC (sorry, Ramones). Handsome Dick Manitoba superior frontman. Top Ten Ross The Boss Adny and JP deliver the goods like no one else. Search and Destroy/Faster and Louder/Baby Let's Twist/Slow Death (again, nod to Pats). DFFD. If you don't know what that means you're an idiot.
3. Queen w/Paul Rodgers
Yeah, Freddie's Dead (that's what I said) but so what. Two of their songs are biggest anthems in American arena history. And they had a few other tricks up their sleeve. We Will Rock You/Tie Your Mother Down/Crazy Little Thing Called Love/We Are The Champions (Giants).
2. KISS
Seriously, why they haven't been hired is a mystery and sign of disrespect a la the morons who run The Rock N Roll (sic) HOF? Gene spitting blood, hydraulic drum kit, pyro out the wazoo. Detroit Rock City/Strutter/Room Service (ode to life on the road for NFL players)/Rock N Roll All Nite. Hey Now! Tell me I'm wrong.
1. And the winner is ... Van F-ing Halen
Primed for their reunion tour. A troubled nation turns to Diamond Dave for solace, happiness and amps at 11. You Really Got Me/Everybody Wants Some/Panama/Aint Talkin' Bout Love.
Yeah, Madonna. That's what we need.
