The Sound of the Suburbs

Well it's that time of year, when blogger idiots like me throw out scattershot crystal ball opinions about What Lies Ahead ... Let's get right to it.

NFL
San Diego over Dallas in Super Bowl Whatever.

The Chargers have paid their dues, knocked on the door and gone away empty, but this is the year all that ends. Philip Rivers is surrounded by his penultimate offense, and the defense is good enough to prevail in any number of shootouts, which is what the NFL is about in The Age of Parity.

LaDainian Tomlinson and Darren Sproles will get it done on the ground, and Vincent Jackson, Antonio Gates et. al. will complement them and grab the brass (?) ring as the Chargers finally do what antecedents Don Coryell and Dan Fouts could not do: Win The Big One. Norv Turner gets the monkey off his back at long last, and there's a boat parade in San Diego. No one drowns.

The Cowboys make a brilliant run through the NFC and while not prevailing in Miami, save Wade Phillips' job. Tony Romo proves he is a great quarterback regardless of whom he's dating.

Indy and New Orleans go home bitter, but Drew Brees leads the Saints to a 2011 Super Bowl triumph while Jim Caldwell is haunted by pulling his starters and allowing the pathetic Jets into the playoffs in 2010. Rex Ryan weeps openly when the Jets are trounced by Baltimore.

NBA
Boston over LA in a classic seven-game duel. Kobe Bryant is unstoppable but Andrew Bynum fails to outdo Kendrick Perkins and Rasheed Wallace, and Rajon Rondo is the X factor. Jordan Farmar makes

a big mistake at crunch time and LA media second-guesses him to death. Ron Artest falls down the stairs after the loss and blames it on the Tooth Fairy.

Stan Van Gundy is fired after an ECF blowup with Dwight Howard, who finally realizes he needs to work on his post game in the offseason so he can become the next Hakeem Olajuwon.

Denver and San Antonio have a holy war of a semifinal that the Spurs win before falling to the Lakers in six. Nuggets players vote to remove all their tattoos, which benches them until 2015.

Tracy McGrady joins the Harlem Globetrotters for a Washington General to be named later.

Barack Obama welcomes the Celtics to the White House and challenges Brian Scalabrine to a game of one on one, wins and is reelected in a landslide. Rahm Emanuel replaces Stan Van Gundy in a government bailout.

MLB
The reloaded Yankees run away with the AL East but it is the hated Red Sox who dominate the playoffs, vanquishing their hated enemies in six before falling to Philadelphia in seven in the World Series, which will be played in February thanks to global freezing delays.

Kevin Youkilis is World Series MVP as the three-armed beast of Beckett/Lester/Lackey dominates red October and all is well in the sports capital of America, Boston.

MLS/NHL
Who cares?

Vancouver Winter Olympics
Black speedskater Shani Davis carries the USA flag into the opening ceremonies before dominating his sport with a handful of gold medals. A bewildered Madison Avenue sees the next Tiger Woods and floods him with lucrative endorsement offers.

Golf
Tiger rebounds with unqualified excellence, putting his personal problems behind him by winning the U.S. Open and Masters, while an Asian under the age of 25 wins the British Open as Tokyo celebrates.

Tennis
Brit Andy Murray finally breaks through and wins Wimbledon, while Rafi Nadal takes the U.S and French Opens. Roger Federer consoles himself with another Aussie title. The Williams sisters continue to dominate the femme field, without body-cavity threats to unsuspecting linesmen/women.

March Madness
Cincinnati runs the table and stuns perennial ACC favorites with a Final Four triumph.

UCLA coach Ben Howland is fired after an early exit.

Bill Walton takes over.

College Football
Utah astounds national onlookers with a BCS triumph over Alabama. The entire team celebrates by going on a two-year mission to try and get Mitt Romney the Republican nomination in 2012, which fails.

You read it here first ...