The Sound of the Suburbs

Don't always know what I'm talkin' about
Feels like I'm livin' in the middle of doubt

Phoenix's own Vincent Furnier aka Alice Cooper said it best when it comes to this year's NBA Playoffs.

Because who the F knows where it's going? Even Glen Buxton, rest his Dwight Frye soul, would be at a loss.

Three sweeps outta four in the conference semis! When's the last time THAT happened? And what do we project for the next round?!

Good ball, that's what.

Los Suns stun San Antonio despite their misguided, imbecilic political statement. Read the bill and don't mix sports with politics Senor Sarver.

LA restores order in the house by putting Utah and its scumbag racist fans away for good. Shame on you a-holes for deriding D Fish, a MAN who gave his all for Utah before making a Family Guy decision to move back to LA to take care of his child.

I've loved Jerry Sloan since he paired with Norm Van Lier in the Bulls' backcourt, but even HE had to be ashamed of the home crowd in Utah.

My advice to Williams and Boozer: Get outta town asap if you want a ring. Bad Karma will plague those loser fans forever. Christ, it got so bad I HAD to root for the Lakers.

So now we wait three months for Suns-Lakers to begin. I confess I haven't seen Phoenix play a full game this year but I'll bet the house on LA to prevail and return to The Promised Land. Goran Dragic (rhymes with Magic) torched SAS in Game 3 but he's still a year or two away from becoming the next Ginobili (who, btw, screwed up by signing an extension when he could have gone to NY to join LBJ and David Lee on a Knick team that will resurrect Willis/Clyde/Bradley/DeBusschere/Barnett greatness within two years).

Orlando, the unhyped contender, remains unbeaten in the post, a healthy Jameer Nelson, the third

wheel flanking Superman and InVincible with a dose of Rashard Lewis, Mickael Pietrus (how can you NOT love him?!) and enforcer Matt Barnes who has the fearlessness to be licking his chops at guarding Bryant in the Finals.

Not that Orlando will easily trump Cleveland, but I expect the Magic to, probably in six. Everybody's talking about it so I'll pile on: Cleveland rolls with James. Jamison/Shaq/Williams still don't equal Pippen and that's why the Cavs will fall to Orlando. And if Dwight H can shoot 60 percent from the line it'll be over in five.

But enough of my aimless prognostication. Let's take a quick look back at The Good, The Bad and The Ugly of the 2010 playoffs to date:

The Good: OKC, a punk team with a median age of 16 (sic) giving LA all it could handle. Good thing Los Lakers beat them now because next year Durant, Westbrook and my new fave R-n-R baller Serge Ibaka will be back, with James Harden riding shotgun.

Rajon Rondo ... 19 boards in Game 4?! NINETEEN BOARDS!!!! JFC, this kid is a stud. Who'd a thunk he would so quickly become the main stem on such a loaded veteran team.

Nash/Stoudemire: An old twosome who are making the run of their lives and, should they miraculously prevail over LA, will win it all. But they won't.

Kobe/Gasol: Aarching their games at crunch time like Mr. Buxton's Unfinished Sweet James Bond guitar opus ... they remain the kings of the NBA Castle until somebody knocks them off. Anybody

who can beat them four outta seven is a team for the ages.

The Bad: Joe Johnson and the Atlanta Hawks. The single most devaluing free agent perf in recent playoff history. And he'll take Mike Woodson with him. The Hawks, who didn't draw Boston as hoped--their regular-season beyotch--are back to square one. Paging Lou Hudson. And btw whatever happened to Mike Bibby? Aside to Josh Smith: Grow Up.

Utah Jazz. I don't want to beat a dead horse but then again why not. I don't recall but I bet Alice Cooper never played Salt Lake City. 'Nuff Said. Do the math.

Dallas. Dirk is a goner. Not to mention Rick Carlisle. Again, Square One.

The Ugly: Rasheed Wallace. Yeah, the series is tied at two but 'Sheed has showed his typical quitter stripes after his momentary outburst in Game 2. Even a blind squirrel ... Keep in mind this loser was the key F-Up in the infamous Laker-Portland Game 7 where Shaq and Kobe overcame a huge fourth-quarter lead to beat the Blazers while Wallace disappeared, his NBA epitaph. Never made a clutch shot in the post in his career.

San Antonio. I still don't know how it happened and I love this team but youth, once again, triumphed. Come to think of it OKC probably could have beaten them. And next year they will if given the chance. Sorry, Timmy D, Tony P Longoria and Uber Stud Manu; it's OVER. Bottom line: Richard Jefferson, the free agent bust of the year, wasn't expected to replace Bruce Bowen on the defensive end, but he WAS expected to provide offense. Problem was, he's a slasher not a jump shooter, and when the smoke cleared he did neither successfully. My heart goes out to fading warrior Antonio McDyess, who would have been a bigger contributor off the Piston scrap heap to Boston than Wallace has been. Wallace, has-been.

Which leaves us with one remaining playoff enigma: LeBron James. As great as he is he will have to steal Howard's Superman cape and Kobe's white-on-white photo shoot (?!) bravado to Go All The Way.

Again, it's a TEAM game. Jamison is solid, Varejao does the dirty work, Shaq a still vaguely formidable obstacle but Cleveland's near term future depends on the backcourt of West/Parker/Williams. WPW.

Good luck with that.