The Sound of the Suburbs

10:13pm: Feeling all atwitter as I count down the moments to The Laker Parade. Can't decide whether to actually GO or not after those hooligans tore up L.A. Live Sunday night. What are they, Piston fans?

12:02am: Instead of taking a sedative to calm my nerves, slipped a DVD of Clippers' Greatest Moments into the player ... put me right out. Oh wait, there ISN'T one. Must have had too much to dream last night.

6:22am: Up like a Sasha airball at the crack o' parade. Hope parking not a problem after weekend Convention Center Adult Film Festival.

8:36am: Summoned nerve to call in sick (sic) with excuse I missed the little Go To Work Exit, to quote Mojo Nixon. Pretty sure my boss bought it.

9:55am: Arrived downtown (LA's The Place!). Parked at the corner of Third and Vermouth. Eighty bucks.

10:02am: Tell-tale heart beating, riddled with guilt from skipping work, breakfasted at The Pantry. Once heard all the waiters there are ex-cons ... hard to argue.

10:59am: Waiting for check. I wonder if Sun Yue ever ate here. Didn't he write The Art of War?

11:18am: Wow, this is great! Huge crowds spilling into the street, cop cars everywhere, a certain tension in the air ... you'd think O.J. had just been acquitted! Aside: why weren't there riots when Phil Spector got convicted? Mr. Wall of Sound! Mr. End of The Century! The Man who ruined Let It Be! Note to self; ponder at twilight.

11:19am: Wonder if Sasha will be wearing his headband. Read somewhere his galpal will be starring in new edition of "Melrose Place" (Tuesdays at 9, premiering September 8 on "The CW" (wonder what that stands for?)). Maybe Sasha will make a guest shot -- get it?

12:00pm: High Noon. I feel the ghost of Gary Cooper looming up like a Dennis Dunaway bassline (he was in the group, Alice Cooper -- get it?) as I stand 18 deep outside Staples. Feels like a May Day rally without the INS!

12:30pm: The crowd is poised. I feel the earth move. Jeannie Buss is In Da House! The parade is starting!!!!

12:31pm: False alarm. Just a vintage LAPD crack house bulldozer signalling the start of the festivities.

12:35pm: Purple and gold everywhere! Street hawker just offered me vintage Mel Counts jersey marked down to $5.95. Declined.

12:43pm: Here they come! Your Los Angeles Lakers! Tall white guy on first float. OMFG it is Pau Gasol! Love him but must stifle sudden urge to storm float and give him gift certificate to SuperCuts for crewcut and beard shave. He just puts the Kempt in Unkempt! And that irks me!

12:46pm: Pau just took an elbow to the gut and is prostrate on the float! And no, it wasn't Artest or Gortat -- it was Vanessa B! Love it!

12:47pm: THERE HE IS! The Greatest Man Ever To Walk The Earth, tied with Mick Jagger and that guy who cured polio: KOBE!!!!!!! He's wearing a Laker jersey with, get this, number 25! One for the road, baby! Take that, MJ, you girlyman!!!

12:49pm: Considerable delay after Kobe float. In fact, two beige minivans and a Japanese tour bus just came down the street! David Stern leaves no stone unturned! Genius!

12:52pm: Ah, here comes the next float. There's Phil, in flip-flops! Take that, Red Auerbach! Bet you never even went to The Beach! There's Rambis! Cleamons! Shaw! Where ARE The Laker Girls and that guy who used to play the trombone at The Fab Forum?

12:54pm: Look, it's Lamar! And he's eating Jujubees, just like the paper said! He must have a case of The Munchies! Get it?

12:56pm: LUUUUUKKKEE! What is it about a vowel following a consonant that makes American sports fans elongate the vowel in arenas nationwide? I didn't hear that the other day when those Italian Stallions Rossi and DeRossi (law firm?) spanked the US soccer team in the FIFA Faceoff!

12:59pm: Uh-oh. Some little kid with braces just spit on my Birkenstocks! Must be a Magic fan.

1:02pm: Here comes the Farmar float. Clearly things are winding down. But wait ... Shannon Brown just took down the proud Bruin with a rolling body block! Get me Chief Bratton!!!

1:05pm: It's all over but the shouting. Never understood that cliche until today. Everyone is shouting. Pourquoi, you might ask? Unsure, but here comes Donald Sterling on a unicycle ... Sounds like he's saying "Wait for me!"