The Sound of the Suburbs

OK, so I just started a new job and the sports page hasn't always been top o' mind, and I pick up the LA Daily News in my office the other day after lunch to the news that Matt Barnes is a LAKER????!!

JFC, how did this happen. Theo Ratliff as icing -- always loved him back to when Sixers drafted him, great shot blocker and teammate and a distinct upgrade from Mbenga; whatever.

Anyhow, exactly who is minding the store in Orlando? You just gave away a guy who can't stop but can guard and occasionally frustrate the likes of Kobe and LeBron, and you let him walk?! Asinine move. If they don't ship Nelson, Lewis and Gortat to New Orleans for Chris Paul asap, they are DONE. Cuz they got one superstar in Howard, and an incomplete one at that (forget Vince Carter, sorry) and they need another to have a chance to beat Miami or Boston when the money's on the line. Again, Holy Stupidity, Batman.

Matt Barnes is an in-your-face defender, a 48-minute-plus gamer, great competitor, hits the open shot ... what the heck were they thinking? And now LA just made its bench better in one fell swoop.

Let's look at their roster:

Frontcourt: Gasol/Odom/Bad News Bowie Bynum/Artest.

Backcourt: Kobe/Fish/Blake (another great get: it was only two years ago when dumbass Laker fans were calling for Kupchak's ass and hasn't he showed them ALL!?) and Barnes. They'll resign Shannon Brown and possibly the European Peon Sasha Vujacic who can hit the occasional three but is known essentially for his comment following a whipping at the hands of CP ("He call me bitch! He call me bitch!). Guess what, Sasha, you ARE Chris Paul's beyotch now and forever. Get used to it. And he dumps Katie Cassidy on top of it. Can you spell M-O-R-O-N?

Who cares about the rest of the team? They will beat Miami and anybody else in their way as long as Phil is in town and KB is healthy.

Speaking of big steals let me tell you my own personal greatest.

Summer 1978. Working at the Philly airport in a warehouse lugging huge boxes, driving a forklift and sweating in the deep freezer. Four-day work week. Day off a Sunday and walkin' down the block west of the 30th Street Station just off the Penn Campus. Strolling along minding my own business, as it were.

Two chicks in a Caddy with the top down pull up next to me and say, "Do you know the way to Veterans Stadium?" Did I ever, on top of the fact I knew The Rolling Stones were headlining that day and I couldn't get a ticket. The "Some Girls" tour and "Miss You" was blaring from every boombox and storefront on Market Street the past six weeks.

"Yes!" I answered, dumbfounded (not a first btw).

"Well, we got an extra Stones ticket and just need to get there."

So -- and this is all true, my own private fear and loathing moment -- I hop in the back, unfazed by the empty MAGNUM of champagne I see in the front seat between these gals, and get us on to the Schuykill Expressway (pothole hell) and to the Vet.

So we pull in to the parking lot and the chick at the wheel literally plows over a couple sawhorses in the LOT FULL zone and stops right in front of Gate Whatever. Security is headed our way and your humble narrator, not being a complete dumbass, hopes outta the back like Starsky and Hutch, ducat in hand to find myself entering the Stadium just as Mick, Keef, Charlie, Woodie and Company rip in to "All Down The Line."

First time I ever saw The Greatest Rock 'N' Roll Band in the world. Astonishing.

And then 48 hours later I'm in Smokey Joe's watching The Bronx Bombers beat Boston on Monday Night Baseball as they began the Herculean task of overcoming a 14.5 deficit to beat the hated BoSox, win the Bucky Dent playoff game and Go All The Way.

Another big steal.

But back to Barnes. This makes the Lakers better than they've been the past two years. And with Utah and Phoenix weakened with the departures of Boozer and Stoudemire, respectively, and the aging Spurs so desperate they RE-SIGN weak slasher Richard Jefferson, the only competish LA has are the Rolling Thunder of OKC.

Memo to Magic GM Otis Smith: You're toast.