The Sound of the Suburbs

So Nielsen reports that 11.4 MEEEELION viewers watched an hour of the first game of the season, the obligatory Hall of Fame game featuring Bengals-Cowboys.

This is an astonishing fact.

No televised baseball this season has had 11.4 million people watching, and, for perspective, 18 million watched Game 7 of one of the most storied rivalries in history: Lakers-Celtics. (STILL can't believe Boston lost; a pox on you, Ron Artest, with that lucky heave).

What does this tell us?

Duh. America Worships the NFL.

Not to mention college football.

What IS it about football? The recession-proof sport.

My theory: it's all about aggression. Vicarious for us viewers, true. Big men hitting one another repeatedly in punishing fashion. Yet blended with consummate artistry: The one-handed reception, the up-the-gut run for seven yards, the pick out of nowhere that decided the last Super Bowl.

What a game.

We all love Football. The birth of fantasy leagues just lends credence to the fact this is America's Game. While hitting a baseball thrown at 95 mph is tougher, while an aesthete like Kobe Bryant does dazzling work, it is the crunch and line of scrimmage hatred that captivates us.

And despite the fact most of these cats play without guaranteed contracts -- unlike baseball and basketball players -- they go at it like gladiators, toe to toe, the magnificent line-of0scrimmage clash yielding ingenious play design and play making.

Football is an R-rated sport, violent to the extreme. A blood sport, if you will. The recent death of Jack "The Assassin" Tatum reminds us why.

And yet the couplet to that unfortunate ending is a gazelle like Jerry Rice entering the Hall of Fame. How did HE escape serious injury as such a coveted, valuable target?

It was his artistry, physical poetry with a juke, a burst of speed, one immaculate reception after another.

God Bless Football.

Now we got a series.

Tonight's greatest moment for me was Rondo taking Bynum to the rack, giving away a full foot, and putting him into the popcorn machine with an immaculate fake. The Vatican should be so lucky.

Why do I loathe the Lakers? Let me count the ways:

A) Kobe
B) Kobe
C) Kobe

He IS the greatest but for some reason I just can't stand him.

And look at that ... Boston won despite Pierce and KG contributing little offensively, but speaking of little, they did the little things while Ray Allen, Rajon Rondo and Rasheed Wallace (The Three Rs?!) came up huge. What a game.

Now we all know this is going seven. And I hope Bryant has his hands on the ball at the end of the seventh game with Pierce on him cuz this time Artest won't cut free in the paint to jack up a lucky deuce.

But that's a long way away, if it even happens. LA remain heavy Vegas favorites, but if you are a purist, you can't help but root for Boston.

Why?

A) They play great unselfish team ball.
B) I live in LA and relish the prospect of all these cocky talk radio jocks grappling with a Boston title. Their tiny heads will explode.
C) Well, I just find KG, PP, Ray Allen, Rondo, Perkins, Robinson, Tony Allen, Big Baby and Sheed likeable. My prejudice. And I am not even a Boston fan.

I may be alone on this take but I consider Rasheed Wallace the MVP of Game 2. He hit most of his shots, played Tenacious D and secured one clutch board after another, renewing the faith of Piston fans far and wide. It's quite clear that the message Doc, KG, Allen and Pierce delivered as they courted Sheed resonated in a major way.

Because, while he is an aging baller, Rasheed is the X factor in this series and I think he knows it. He's got the balls to say publically that he will be judged on his performance in the post (literally/figuratively) and any man who openly puts his rep on the line despite his income deserves major props.

If he shows up every night, Boston has a chance. Not that they don't remain the underdogs (ask Vegas) but his performance will make the ultimate difference, IMHO.

And while we're talking about aging rehab ballers, let us not forget Nate Robinson. While not duplicating his Game 6 stunner v. Orlando, he came up big tonight when Doc and Co. needed him, and I expect him to go off in one of the next two TD Garden battles.

Another great acquisition by Danny Ainge. Who would you rather have off the bench: Robinson/Tony Allen or Farmar/Brown? I know where my vote comes down.

The bottom line is Boston came through tonight with a great game. This means us fans are in for a treat for the ages.

Look for a split in Boston and a yellow brick road to Game 7. Again, my personal viewer fantasy is Boston up by two, seconds left, and Kobe gets his chance to be in the same conversation as MJ, MJ and Bill Russell.

Here's hoping he gets the back of the rim and a long rebound Rondo confiscates.

And an aside to David Stern: Thank you for not letting a zebra call a double T on K. Perkins which would change the shape of the series. If he deserves it, bust him. If he doesn't, let him play.

The rule on T fouls must be changed as soon as the playoffs end, because as everyone much smarter/important/more well paid than me agrees, it's a dumb rule.

I watched Game 1 till the first commercial when it was about 16-12. Then I went to play ball myself with a bunch of Laker fans who checked the score after every pickup game.

We had a discussion afterwards: do we play next Thursday? After all it will be Game 4. The majority voted NO until yours truly piped up with something along the lines of "Does Pau Gasol give a crap if we get a run?"

Uh, no. I prevailed, despite being the worst player on the floor last night. Assertive conviction overrides all.

So, yeah, I didn't really see Game 1. But the outcome was No Surprize.

Kobe slashed, Gasol muscled, Odom opened, Fisher fished.

And Boston, apparently, stood around and watched.

What's great about NBA playoffs, especially the Finals, is the pressure shifts seismically after every game.

In this case the heat is on Homeboy Paul Pierce. If he doesn't decide to take it to the rack and throw caution to the wind, Boston will lose Game 2 and the series.

Ray Allen will get his points. KG is on his last legs but has a last run in him if he's the fourth wheel behind Pierce/Rondo/Allen. Boston's bench should and must rise up in Game 2.

Vegas once again looks prescient after Game 1, making LA heavy favorites. Because LA has Bryant on a vengeful mission and a better supporting cast than Jordan ever had. So the Celtics are underdogs.

But don't count them out -- yet. The two things they have going for them are Pierce and Rivers. And make that three things -- how could I forget Rondo?

Still, the heat is on Inglewood's finest, Pierce. Mitch Kupchak, Jerry Buss and Action Jackson let Trevor Ariza go for THIS series. If Ron Ron neutralizes Pierce as he did Friday night, it ends quickly.

So it's up to 2008 MVP PP to get it up and carry his squad back to TD Garden tied at one. Because this ain't the young, dumb and quick Thunder out there. It's the aging, wily Celtics who must carry the Auerbach/Russell torch and step up to the challenge.

Speaking of the greatest player in hoop history, Bill Russell, I hope he's living the Bryan Ferry life right about now ... "Here as I sit at this antique cafe thinking of you..." Because Ray Allen must play the role of Sam Jones, Pierce Havlicek, Garnett Cowens, Wallace Siegfried, Rondo Archibald, if Boston is to rebound (sic).

And David Stern and I sure hope so. ABC needs the coin of a six- or seven-game series and after all this retro Bird-Magic build-up, so do we.

So Mr. Pierce, meet the challenge. Take it to the rack. You will get the calls if you've got spring in your step.

On a separate, sad note, the greatest coach in sports history left the planet today. At 99 years young, John Wooden, the man with the rolled-up game plan coiled tightly in his fist, the best teacher in college sports history, has succumbed to the inevitable call of Death.

May you rest in peace, Mr. Wooden. Like Joe DiMaggio and Vince Lombardi, you will always be remembered as not just a champion, but a gentleman. I can't say for sure but I bet the guy never drew a T. Condolences to the entire Wooden and UCLA family.

THIS is a great loss.

So we're less than 48 hours out from what we all hope will be the most memorable seven-game series of the 21st Century. As I've said before, it'll have to be a monster to top the 2005 Spurs-Pistons series, but we've got bigger markets, bigger names and bigger history for a start.

Who will guard Rondo? If it's Bryant, he's run ragged all over the floor and has to find that secret energy reserve (which he always has) to get it up on the offensive end. This leaves Fisher on Allen, which the RaynMan should dominate. But don't underestimate Fish and his multiple rings. And Brown and Farmar will have to step up, as well as contend with the reborn Nate Robinson, who will come out firing.

On the side we get the mainman match: Pierce v. Artest. The modern-day Rodman, Ron Ron could conceiveably give P Squared fits, but then again Pierce could make Q1 interesting by drawing early fouls and forcing Artest to the bench. Then we get Odom v. Pierce. Odom shows up at least every other game and with his Kardashian bride on the sidelines expect him to Bob Beamon his way through the finals.

In the paint, I'd put KG on Bynum. KG is old and dinged. Bynum is young and dinged. Draw. That leaves Perkins and Sheed to shadow Gasol, another key to the outcome.

The Celtic bench rules on paper, but I'll go out on a limb and predict either Brown or Farmar wins one game with an out-of-nowhere offensive thrust.

The crowd and the coaches: Dead even. Lunatic fans on each coast, and Glenn Rivers will match every move Action Jackson makes.

Inevitably it will come down to Kobe v. Boston. As everybody not living under a rock knows, Bryant is the best baller on Planet Earth. Yet Boston has the better TEAM.

I have no idea who will win, nor does anybody else. The fact that SI's "experts" pick Boston four to two, just as they almost unanimously picked Cleveland to win it all at the start of this craziness, makes me think Kobe and Co. will win.

Of most concern to me is Games 1, 4 and 7 are slated for Thursday nights, MY sacred hoop night. What was wrong with Weds/Fri/Sunday, Herr Stern?

Must be about ad dollars.

Bring on the action, cuz when it's over we'll be left with MLB until football kicks in.

So interesting and I suppose, revealing, that six of the greatest seven players to ever play pro ball were/are guards:

Bryant. Jordan. Johnson. Robertson. West. Frazier.

And Bill Russell.

Sorry, Wilt. It's still a team game.

As much as I loathe KB he showed Saturday night, especially in the last five minutes (as did the aforementioned players), true TRUE greatness. Phoenix never had a chance.

And while I sat here and blogged Friday night about Celtic prowess, it's hard to imagine Boston overcoming Bryant's sheer talent and angry will to win.

Like a schmuck I taped the game and stumbled upon the end live, 95-90 LA, and knew intuitively I had better things to do with two hours than watch the preamble.

Kobe Bryant ... what can you say? He is a basketball god. He doesn't have to be a nice guy, doesn't have to be a media darling, because he is simply The Best on the planet, particularly when the game is on the line.

Sure, he got bailed out by Artest in Game 5, but hell, he would have won it in overtime anyway, so who cares?

Jerry West, as great as he was as a player, did his most magical feat as a GM, dealing Vlade Divac and change for Bryant. Russell, Frazier, Johnson and Jordan were all draft picks by the teams they spent their career with. Bryant is the lone exception, picked by Charlotte and dealt by the all-time moron in hoop history, George Shinn. And the rest is history.

I'll be rooting for Boston but the Celtics are a workmanlike unit, proficient and professional, but not blessed with the fluid genius that is KB. And with a supporting cast of Gasol/Artest/Odom/Bynum/Fisher, Bryant will be hard to deny.

I live in LA but am beginning to surrender to the inevitable: The Lakers are unbeatable.

The Finals matchups on paper:

Gasol/Perkins
Bynum/Garnett
Fisher/Rondo
Bryant/Allen
Artest/Pierce
Odom/Wallace


Nobody else will matter, although as I wrote Friday night Nate Robinson could make it interesting.

For Those About To Rock I Salute You ... and let's hope it goes the distance and gives us a Final for the ages.

But no matter how you slice it close games will be in the hands of The Black Mamba, The Nikita of hoop Assassins, and you just can't bet against Kobe.

Bring it on anyway, but Boston can only hope a) Perkins controls his temper, b) Wallace shows up (and controls HIS temper), c) Rondo and Davis show no signs of the beatdown they experienced v. Orlando and, most importantly, d) Bryant misses a few at crunch time.

I'll be rooting for Boston but I can smell another parade on Figueroa.

OMFG! The Lakers are 2-2 on their road trip! Call Out The Dogs!

As mentioned previously, I was out of the country for a week and when I returned the next day's LA Times sports page blared TEN THINGS WRONG WITH THE LAKERS or some such nonsense. And this on top of the fact I had noticed while on holiday that they seemed to be winning every game.

So I come home, see they've won six or seven in a row even sans Bynum (yeah, he's injury prone but who'd you rather have Laker fans, Greg Oden?) So I'm thinking, What's The Big Deal?

But then again who I am kidding? People in LA are just SOFT (the weather, duh) and if Kobe and Co. don't win every game by 20+, a black cloud envelops the purple-and-gold following, talk radio, the papers, etc.

It goes something like this:

They're not ready to defend their title.

They can't defend the pick and roll.

Ariza is better than Artest.

Odom is inconsistent.

Pau is soft.

Phil is too easy on them.

Kobe is a three-faced narcissist (er, that was actually a Rolling Stone line and I have no idea what it means. From my experience narcissists have one face).

Bynum is injury-prone and foul-prone.

Fish is finished.

They should have gone 82-0 because they're better than MJ's Bulls.

Odom is inconsistent.

And so on.

Now let me be perfectly clear here:

I live in LA.

I am not a Laker fan.

And this all amuses me in major fashion.

But let's take a step back, Laker Nation.

Fact: Kobe Bryant is one of the greatest players ever to play the game.

Fact: Phil Jackson is one of the greatest coaches in league history.

Fact: Ron Artest is a proven lockdown defender when the money is on the line, which it will be once the playoffs start.

Fact: Regardless of his age, Derek Fisher has hit more clutch postseason shots than any shooting guard in the league besides Ray Allen and, er, Bryant.

Fact: Pau Gasol showed last year in the WCF and Finals he is a complete and utter post-up stud.

Fact: Lamar Odom shows up when it matters AND he's married to a Kardashian. (Note: Bob Beamon allegedly had sex six times the night before he broke the Olympic long jump record; connect the dots).

Fact: Andrew Bynum is seven foot tall and still a kid who is developing in to a dominant force in the league. (Kudos to Mitch Kupchak and I have not forgotten LA talk radio's bashing of his draft pick of AB at the time -- idiots one and all).

Fact: They won it all last year and it's a loooooong season.

Fact: Brown, Farmar, Walton, Vujacic, MBenga and Powell are solid bench players with rings.

Fact: They haven't won in Portland's Rose Garden and they got blown out by an exuberant young team in OKC who would be lucky to win one game in a playoff series against LA.

Fact: LA owns San Antonio and while Denver may give them trouble any team whose best post-up players are Chauncey Billups and Melo are not going to beat LA in a seven-game series.

Fact: Boston has no chance of getting to the Finals.

That means one thing: Only King James and HIS supporting cast are a threat to the Kobe Throne.

And that's what we all want to see and that's what we all WILL see so relax, Laker fans. Phil and Kobe will turn it up to 11 once the playoffs start, and your incessant insecure whining will prove taillight embarrassing.

Cleveland IS great. Shaq, Jamison, Varejo, M Williams, Z and the rest WILL be formidable and may very well prevail, but the Vegas money will be on LA.

So relax, chill, turn your wrath to the McCourts (don't you just love Joe Torre's FU to them by naming Vicente Padilla as opening day starter?) and wait for The Real Games to start on Tax Day.

Great as they are this Laker team is NOT the Bulls, NOT the vintage Celtics, but they are damn good and KB is all about his legacy and that alone will take them to the finals where LeBron will be waiting.

Bring It On ...

The mistake most sports writers make is postulating that the game is purely based on physical superiority.

On an everyday/everyweek basis this is true. And this is what Vegas and gamblers everywhere bet. But sports, like life, is a complex business. The best team does not always win. We shall see what happens in Miami with the herd expecting Indy to win handily. In that case I happen to agree, Colts 34 Saints 14.

But as we saw Saturday in Portland sports is a mind game.

The Lakers went into the Rose Garden having lost nine straight there and coming off a home defeat to Chauncey Billups and the Nuggets, who shot around sixty percent from the field AND beyond the stripe, a rarity in league play. Nobody could have beaten Denver last night. The Nets, Knicks, Clippers or Pistons (has there ever been an NBA season with more bad teams?) by fifty.

So what happens the next night?

Kobe Bryant isn't even in the building and they blow out their longtime road nemesis Portland and decisively at that.

This is fascinating sports psychology because Gasol, Odom, Fish, Brown, Farmar, Walton, Bynum and most of all Artest rose up and played the game without their ace just like the Willis Reed-less Knicks overachieved decades ago in the pivotal game of the NBA Finals.

When Ron Ron hit a three just inside halfcourt at the end of the first half, you just knew the Lakers were gonna win. And win they did, convincingly at that, an upside the head beatdown just when they needed it most.

Despite their losing regular-season record against the top teams in the league, the Lakers showed why they are head and shoulders above everyone else playing the game.

Kobe's supporting cast have been subconsciously waiting for a chance to show the world what they're made of, and they did it in style against Portland.

Everyone stepped up and put pedal to metal, and for a change the boxscore will actually tell the real story.

LA simply dominated and this win will resonate with this team all the way to the end of the regular season. Scolding Papa Kobe wasn't even there but for certain he was watching somewhere rubbing his hands together with glee as this is Just What The Doctor Ordered, and Ted Nugent would heartily approve.

A team dependent on such a singular leader as Bryant needs a good dose of individual approbation every once in a while and tonight the Lakers threw down the gauntlet. Led by three guys -- Gasol, Bynum and Artest -- who would be The Man on most other teams but are subliminally undercut playing with one of the five greatest players ever to play the game in Bryant, the Lakers showed why they are not just the reigning champs but the team to beat come playoff time.

It does indeed take a village in the corporate nee sports world and LA showed how that matters. Playing without your top gun is a test of fortitude, talent and guts, and Phil Jackson knows it. I don't know if he forced KB to rest or not, but either way he gets credit and continues to solidify his position as the best manager of million dollar talent in sports.

Even without its stud Brandon Roy, Portland always finds a way to beat LA but this time it was overwhelmed by a group of athletes with powerful motivation -- showing their true boss KB that they can and will get it done without him.

Every sports squad around the globe can learn from this contest, learn that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts and that's why they call it a team game.

Laker Nation can now sit back and know their team is ready for anything, know they traded up for Ariza with Artest, know Gasol can be the main stem whenever he has to be.

A chilling prospect for the rest of the league, including the aging Celtics, the one-man Cavs and the creaky Spurs.

Phil Jackson never gets consideration for Coach of the Year honors, but it's a game like this that should remind voters why The Zen Master is in the same class as Red Auerbach, Vince Lombardi and Joe Torre.

Look out, NBA. The Lakers may be the incumbent champs, but they're still Hungry For That Good Thing, baby.

Well it's that time of year, when blogger idiots like me throw out scattershot crystal ball opinions about What Lies Ahead ... Let's get right to it.

NFL
San Diego over Dallas in Super Bowl Whatever.

The Chargers have paid their dues, knocked on the door and gone away empty, but this is the year all that ends. Philip Rivers is surrounded by his penultimate offense, and the defense is good enough to prevail in any number of shootouts, which is what the NFL is about in The Age of Parity.

LaDainian Tomlinson and Darren Sproles will get it done on the ground, and Vincent Jackson, Antonio Gates et. al. will complement them and grab the brass (?) ring as the Chargers finally do what antecedents Don Coryell and Dan Fouts could not do: Win The Big One. Norv Turner gets the monkey off his back at long last, and there's a boat parade in San Diego. No one drowns.

The Cowboys make a brilliant run through the NFC and while not prevailing in Miami, save Wade Phillips' job. Tony Romo proves he is a great quarterback regardless of whom he's dating.

Indy and New Orleans go home bitter, but Drew Brees leads the Saints to a 2011 Super Bowl triumph while Jim Caldwell is haunted by pulling his starters and allowing the pathetic Jets into the playoffs in 2010. Rex Ryan weeps openly when the Jets are trounced by Baltimore.

NBA
Boston over LA in a classic seven-game duel. Kobe Bryant is unstoppable but Andrew Bynum fails to outdo Kendrick Perkins and Rasheed Wallace, and Rajon Rondo is the X factor. Jordan Farmar makes

a big mistake at crunch time and LA media second-guesses him to death. Ron Artest falls down the stairs after the loss and blames it on the Tooth Fairy.

Stan Van Gundy is fired after an ECF blowup with Dwight Howard, who finally realizes he needs to work on his post game in the offseason so he can become the next Hakeem Olajuwon.

Denver and San Antonio have a holy war of a semifinal that the Spurs win before falling to the Lakers in six. Nuggets players vote to remove all their tattoos, which benches them until 2015.

Tracy McGrady joins the Harlem Globetrotters for a Washington General to be named later.

Barack Obama welcomes the Celtics to the White House and challenges Brian Scalabrine to a game of one on one, wins and is reelected in a landslide. Rahm Emanuel replaces Stan Van Gundy in a government bailout.

MLB
The reloaded Yankees run away with the AL East but it is the hated Red Sox who dominate the playoffs, vanquishing their hated enemies in six before falling to Philadelphia in seven in the World Series, which will be played in February thanks to global freezing delays.

Kevin Youkilis is World Series MVP as the three-armed beast of Beckett/Lester/Lackey dominates red October and all is well in the sports capital of America, Boston.

MLS/NHL
Who cares?

Vancouver Winter Olympics
Black speedskater Shani Davis carries the USA flag into the opening ceremonies before dominating his sport with a handful of gold medals. A bewildered Madison Avenue sees the next Tiger Woods and floods him with lucrative endorsement offers.

Golf
Tiger rebounds with unqualified excellence, putting his personal problems behind him by winning the U.S. Open and Masters, while an Asian under the age of 25 wins the British Open as Tokyo celebrates.

Tennis
Brit Andy Murray finally breaks through and wins Wimbledon, while Rafi Nadal takes the U.S and French Opens. Roger Federer consoles himself with another Aussie title. The Williams sisters continue to dominate the femme field, without body-cavity threats to unsuspecting linesmen/women.

March Madness
Cincinnati runs the table and stuns perennial ACC favorites with a Final Four triumph.

UCLA coach Ben Howland is fired after an early exit.

Bill Walton takes over.

College Football
Utah astounds national onlookers with a BCS triumph over Alabama. The entire team celebrates by going on a two-year mission to try and get Mitt Romney the Republican nomination in 2012, which fails.

You read it here first ...

Well, last night I burned it down to Redondo Beach, coughed up the most well spent fifteen bucks in ages and settled in to a long night with The Mermen.

Who, you say? The Mermen, living proof that Gods Walk The Earth. They are three guys from San Francisco -- Allen Whitman, Martyn Jones and The Big Kahuna himself, Jim Thomas. Jim is the guitar man, Allen bass, Patrick backbeat/percussion. They are righteous hippies in the best sense of the word, powering out instrumental surf meets Electric Ladyland meets rock and roll that blows you away.

Jim Thomas doesn't simply PLAY the guitar. He tames the wild Strat beast, coaxing ethereal edge sounds out of his axes, taking you on a trip of sonic beauty the likes of which we haven't heard since Jimi.

Whether it's long, dreamy soundscapes anchored by Allen and Martyn's killer rhythm or shorter slash and burn surf rockers that leave the hair on the back of your neck standing up, The Mermen pulverize like a Mariano Rivera cut fastball. Go download Honeybomb immediately.

They are not famous. They never will be. But they personify American Art in the musical motif with a sound that bespeaks California Dreamin' more than Tom Petty, Beck and The Red Hot Chili Peppers combined. And during the many times I have bellied up to the bar with them, I have never discussed professional basketball, but I guarantee you they ain't Laker fans.

The Franklin Mieuli of the music world, they dance to their own drummer, rock to their own groove and simply don't give a shit. And Jim Thomas is a seminal artist in this or any other century, a musical genius whose work will outlive us all and crash onto the beach like the eternal wave until time stands still. He is The Real Deal.

Which is why I worship the ground they walk on, and then some.

That brings us to the NBA off-season, thus far the sports page equivalent of the Bulls-Celtics EC semifinal series. In other words, damn entertaining.

First of all, Sheed a Celtic. Now I have always hated the Celtics, but after seeing their playoff grit and the inevitable Laker title, I may turn green next spring. Still, seeing this guy get a fat payday after (as usual) coasting through a regular season in Detroit, distinguishing himself mainly by going to a Minnesota card club with Allen Iverson and making his way onto Page Six as a result, then completely QUITTING during the Cavs' broom of Detroit in round one ... yeah, Rasheed, you so deserve a sweet deal and a chance at another ring.

Well, at least we'll be spared Sheed's nauseating pre-game Ring Around The Rosie dance he continued to lead even as The Pistons barfed their way to extinction in May. Yeah, I can just see the Fleet faithful embracing that travesty, let alone Doc Rivers and Messrs Allen, Garnett and Pierce. Not.

Here's hoping Detroit signs Glen Davis, who I'd take straight up in a deal for Wallace since he a) plays hard all the time, b) has made a clutch shot in his career (Orlando, Game 4) and c) doesn't do a stupid dance (see above).

Like Karl Malone, Rasheed Wallace never made a big shot in his pro career. Remember the Laker-Portland Game 7 when LA came back big to beat Sheed and Scottie Migraine Pippen, another guy who never made a big shot? Where was Sheed? Choking. Where was Sheed in Game 5 v. San Antonio in 2005 when Detroit could have taken control of the series? Oh, yeah, doubling down on Manu and leaving Big Shot Bob Horry wide open to drain a three that led to another Spurs' title.

To give him his due, Wallace prefers to be a cog in the machine, a good teammate, etc. But when it's crunchtime he disappears like Claude Rains on a sunny day.

He'll fit right in with Boston because he'll be the sixth option after KG, Pierce, Ray, Rondo and even Eddie House who has no fear and walks the walk.

Here's hoping Joe Dumars picks up Big Baby, because as much as he's done to rebuild the Pistons with Gordon and Charlie V to complement Prince and Stuckey, who the f is going to rebound the basketball in Detroit?

Not Antonio McDyess, who wisely moved to San Antonio where he will thrive, along with Richard Jefferson. The Spurs will give LA all they can handle in the WCF next year, and could go all the way if Ginobili is healthy.

Dallas gets Shawn Marion. Whatever. The Mavs will come up short. If Jason Kidd had an offer from Mitch Kupchak, it just proves his ex wasn't the crazy one. As my good friend Mike O'Hara always says, it's always about the money with these cats.

Which brings us to AI. One word for The Answer: Globetrotters. They'll let you control the ball, which is all YOU care about.

Cleveland: Good luck. Shaq is still a force, but I think the problem is in the backcourt. Get Andre Miller and you have a chance. Sorry, Mo W. You had your chance.

Miami: Adios Flash. I predict he lands at MSG, since there's no way they get LBJ.

Portland: Your time is coming but not next year.

And lastly, Kobe Inc. Jerry Buss will rue the day he guaranteed Ron Artest five years. Whenever the wheels fall off the bus at Staples -- and that's one Bryant leg injury away -- dogpound Ron will implode and take the city with him.

And as an Angeleno, I can't f-ing wait.

To quote the great Martyn Jones at the end of Haunted House: "Honeybomb, Honeybomb ..."

Finally --- although it could have gone on forever as far as I'm concerned --- the first round of the 2009 NBA Playoffs is in the books. Like March Madness' first four days, Round One on the senior circuit is as good as it gets.

That said, and in honor of Spinal Tap's Unplugged & Unwigged Tour, here are the Top 11 Reasons To Love The First Round ...

11) Ray "The Replicant" Allen. It's clear this man is physiologically incapable of sweating. Congressional hearings should convene immediately. Seriously ... whether draining 51 in Game Six or fouling out in Game Four, the man DOES NOT VISIBLY PERSPIRE. Talk about ice water in the veins. Saying He's Got Game is one of the great understatements in cinematic history.

10) Chauncey Billups. A man on a mission, sending a nightly Candygram to Joe Dumars while guiding Denver to a withering beatdown of Chris Paul's overmatched Hornets, Billups remains Mr. Big Shot. His coup de grace was leading his team to a 58-point spread over New Orleans in Game Four. Yes, in case you missed it, 58 points, more than Billups' alma mater Detroit could manage through three quarters nearly every night during their humiliating trouncing at the hands of the Cavaliers, which was over so long ago Allen Iverson's back healed in the meantime.

9) Ron Artest, who, despite helping the Rockets out of the first round, made a colossal ass of himself during a TNT segment that should be put in a time capsule, dissing everyone from Kobe Bryant to Charles Barkley. Still, if he is somehow able to neutralize Kobe and make Round Two competitive, he will redeem himself and not look like a guy who's one CNN update from being the next Michael Vick.

8) Dallas Mavericks. Out of nowhere, Dirk Nowitzki and Josh Howard fly under the radar and maul the Spurs, the preeminent unappreciated sports franchise of the last decade. Winning two on the road and closing in five, Dallas is ready to give Denver, and possibly LA, everything they can handle. Watch out.

7) Joey Crawford. Rebounding from his infamous flipout at Tim Duncan years ago, Crawford, the 21st Century version of Mendy Rudolph, was lead dog in easily the most intense game of the playoffs thus far, Game Six in Chicago v. Boston. Stifling the early incendiary incident between Rajon Rondo and Kirk Hinrich, coming on the heels of Rondo's facial to Brad Miller at the end of Game Five, the bulletheaded Crawford proved again why he is The Man in the striped shirt.

6) Pau Gasol. This guy is just getting warmed up, still smarting from the heat of the LA media for his "soft" performance last year against The Celtics. Put aside the fact Andrew Bynum was in civvies while Pau had to handle KG, Perkins and Davis in the paint with Lamar Odom's head in the sand. Gasol is, like Kobe and Lamar, on a mission this year. Don't bet against them.

5) Monkey Off The Back in Houston and Atlanta. Congrats to Yao and Joe Johnson for leading their franchises out of the first round for the first time in a long time. While they remain the two lowest-seeded teams left in the playoffs, Yao and Johnson are both outstanding players at the heart of a team concept in both locker rooms. Kobe and LeBron are on deck for their respective teams, but don't think Houston nor Atlanta are just happy to be there; they will compete.

4) Orlando Magic. Despite their first-round win over Philly in six, the issue remains, as one Sixer said, that they appear better WITHOUT Superman. That's because Howard remains a defensive menace, rebounding monster yet an offensive liability, who stops the flow when the ball goes into him on the block. Lewis, Turkoglu and Alston all look liberated without him, and Howard's twofer in Game Five where he elbowed Samuel Dalembert and took out his own man Courtney Lee in just minutes left observers wondering how high Clark Kent can really fly when it matters.

3) Eddie House. He's come a long way from Mike D'Antoni's doghouse in Phoenix. His Game Seven performance was Big Time, going five for five from downtown, igniting the Celtic Faithful and atoning for Rajon Rondo's sins at the foul line.

2) Chicago Bulls. Derrick Rose singlehandedly made a mockery of David Stern's hapless one-and-done rule, turning in a better rookie year than Michael Jordan. Noah, Salmons, Hinrich et.al. were simply inspiring, in one of the most intense series in league history, while Ben Gordon took it to another level. Here's hoping he stays in Chicago (after the incredibly dumb move of turning down their filthy lucre a year ago) just to keep this key franchise coming.

And last but not least ...
1) LeBron James. As the LA Times' sage NBA columnist Mark Heisler wrote of the Cavs-Pistons series midway through, "Is this really necessary?" No, it wasn't, except to serve notice to the rest of the league that this very much looks like LBJ's year, and a great shot at The Mistake By The Lake's first title in contemporary sports history. He's the MVP but that's chickenfeed to him. The main course lies ahead when Cleveland and the Lakers collide in the Finals.

Bring on Round Two.