The Sound of the Suburbs

Here are the Top Ten Reasons Why Cavs-Celts Game 5 Was The Most Interesting Game Of NBA Playoffs To Date:

10) Glenn "Doc" Rivers is outcoaching Mike Brown into unemployment. Forget about what's happening between the lines. Let's look at the SIDELINES. Doc has Nate Robinson, Marquis Daniels and Rasheed Wallace doing the ML Carr thing by rooting teammates while Cleveland's bench do a fine impression of Rodin's The Thinker (i.e. a statue for you artistically challenged folk).

9) Shaq: DONE. Please retire. We all know you're a good guy, a big kid with multiple rings but age conquers all: You're finished. Diesel is permanently overpriced.

8) Kendrick Perkins and Glen Davis are two of of the most underrated players in the league. Always giving 100 percent, always hitting the boards and the floor for loose balls; these are the kind of players coaches love.

7) KG Lives. Despite injuries Garnett has segued to a finesse game when his cumulative physical injuries have restricted him. Now if he'd just shut up and cease the trash talking, because the more of that he does v. Dwight Howard in the ECF the more he will suffer and increase Orlando's chances of returning to the Finals.

6) Sheed: Still A Stiff.

5) Speaking of stiffs, Senor M. Williams is a playoff bust. He stunk it up last year and has kept that streak alive by failing to show up in May for the second year running. If and when LBJ jumps ship, this loser takes the fall.

4) Did I mention Shaq is done? A shadow of his former great self? A guy who needs to retire immediately? Do the words Willie Mays sound a chord?

3) Rajon Rondo has the best headband in the NBA. He wears it so well. He does whatever it takes to win. His trey toward the end of the third quarter iced the game. But what captivates me about this cat is his fluidity for the game, his ease at making it happen, reminiscent of Earvin Johnson. Not that they're on the same plane but this guy redefines Natural.

2). Tattoos. Cleveland has too many. That means the Cavs will lose.

1) Paul Pierce and Ray Fricking Allen. Man, we are talking about two of the top ten players in the league. Man Ray with his ultra-quick release (how 'bout that three toward the end of the first half with Anthony Parker's hand in his face?!) and Pierce, who has struggled but will have NBA Finals MVP carved on his tombstone.

1A) Sorry to end on a negative note but LBJ exits The Mistake by The Lake; Mike Brown is fired; Cleveland implodes and misses the playoffs next year unless ... unless ... Cleveland woos Chris Bosh and Larry Next Town Brown to its fine city. Oh jeez, I am officially talking outta my ass ... over and out.

Well, Danny Ainge's investment in Rasheed Wallace finally paid off Monday night after a regular season and first-round playoff in absentia from Sheed.

With 5-for-5 shooting in the first half off the pine, three of them treys, 17 and 2 in the final box, Rasheed finally reminded Need For Sheed fans why he still matters. Put aside the fact I can't get used to him in Celtic Green, on paper it was the right offseason pickup, which can only be measured against San Antonio's acquisition of Antonio McDyess, the steadier player who is the turtle to Sheed's hare off Detroit's summer yard sale.

Despite the fact young Rajon Rondo is Boston's key, despite the fact KG and even Pierce and Allen have looked good in the first two games in Cleveland, it's Wallace who is the X factor.

Now don't get too excited, Celtic Nation. Look up inconsistency in the dictionary and you'll find Sheed's headshot. So Game 2 very well may be an aberration.

But if it isn't ... trouble in C-Town.

They say an NBA playoff series doesn't begin until the road team wins and it began Monday in Cleveland.

Now it's back to Beantown for the next two, and the pressure is squarely on Mike Brown. A seemingly unassuming, run of the mill NBA coach, Mike is no Larry, who would have the Cavs up two-zip and Boston on their heels. Instead we're tied at one and Mike must find a way to exhume the dinosaur that is Shaquille O'Neal, help Williams find his Mo-Jo for the first time in playoff history and find a shooter off the bench (paging Daniel Gibson), a Cav Achilles Heel these last few playoffs.

MVP LBJ can't do it all himself (too many 3s in that last 4th Q run of Game 2), Jamison is solid but no Scottie Pippen, and Delonte West is MIA. Annoying Anderson Varejao is a warrior and I don't know what happened to Anthony Parker on Monday night; hell, I don't even recall seeing him on the floor, let alone doing anything.

Boston, in vintage Auerbach fashion, clearly played possum during the regular season. If the Celtics somehow beat Cleveland, all bets are off re LeBron's future, and Orlando will be favored to return to the NBA Finals.

Vegas will ride LBJ until the end, but don't be surprised if they end upside down. If Ray Allen and/or Paul Pierce get off at home, James may not be able to do it alone.

Kobe Bryant knows the feeling. His early years were fraught with disappointment and an underachieving supporting cast. Now James is in the same boat but in his case he better damn well rock it and take over that locker room if Brown can't.

There's no good reason on paper why Cleveland doesn't go all the way this year, but the Cavs are suddenly vulnerable and it's up to the team game coming together or not for the Cavaliers.

We shall see what we shall see in Boston, as Celtic Nation doubles down with the Bosox staggering despite their blowout of Anaheim on Monday.

Get ready to rumble, LeBron. Call your mates out in private (unlike Joe Johnson) before it gets out of hand.

Do you wanna marry ... a lumberjack?

I didn't think so. Kinda like watching the Winter Olympics. Pass.

Bad enough the Games start with a horrible death in the most exciting event offered -- and not to belittle in the least the poor man and his loving family because my heart goes out to them -- but it just puts a damper on the whole event. And yes, what a horrible bastard I am demeaning the efforts of all the global athletes who have given their hearts and souls for years in search of gold.

More power to them.

I'll take the jingoistic tactic and stick to our dumbass American wheelhouse: hoop, football and baseball. Isn't it about time for pitchers and catchers to report?!

Makes me wonder if Gaylord Perry always got to camp on time, getting that spitter in gear in the crackling Florida February air, and Satchel Paige too ... I don't think so.

So Marcus Camby gets moved by the Clippers for a couple of journeyman and 3M bucks. Donald Sterling, true to form, dumps the third leading rebounder in the NBA for next to nothing, meaning if Brandon Roy gets healthy, Portland makes a run in the West and might even make it to the WCF depending on the draw. Go Blazers!

What is it with MC anyway? Among the most traded players in league history yet by all outward appearances a good citizen, good teammate and hard-working baller who does what it takes to win and then some; best of luck to him in the cozy confines of The Rose Garden. Camby is the perfect guy for Portland; an expert rebounder who knows how to play the glass, which will come in handy when Rudy Fernandez starts heaving 3s. Rudy is a budding star, a deadeye legend in his own mind, and MC will only make him better because there's no better longshot bet than a gunner who misses a heave then gets it back in the same spot for a deuce. For that to happen, of course, it takes a village ... and a rebounder.

I love this game.

Most interesting note about the Dallas All-Star game was three studs clearly telling their coach they needed a blow: KG, Paul Pierce and Tim Duncan. Minimal minutes played. Holding it for the playoffs. Prudent move, gents.

As noted previously in this space, Boston is saving it all for spring, as well they should. They're likely headed for a No. 3 seed and a first-round test v. Larry Brown's Bobcats, who will be a tough out. Boston can only be glad it won't draw Atlanta, who owns the Celtics, in the first round. Stephen Jackson, Gerald Wallace, the rejuvenated and underrated Nazr Mohammed (another doofus Dumars deal) will prove an obstacle in round one, particularly for Boston. If Orlando and Cleveland finish two-one, they will wipe the mat with Miami and Chicago/Milwaukee whomever in the first round while Boston expends so much energy beating Charlotte by the time it gets to Orlando, the Celtics could be chump bait.

Of course, the theory is Boston got Sheed to clamp down Superman but good luck with that. I still won't count Boston out but, barring injury or a major deal tomorrow, the Celtic get flattened by Orlando who then give LBJ and the Cavs all they can handle, with or without Stoudmire, Jamison or Troy Murphy.

Still, Cleveland will win the East because it is their time and, spare me the West deets, LA will be there at the end.

But I repeat myself.

The 82-game NBA slog takes forever, somehow seeming longer than the 162 MLB year, because baseball has its slow, inexorable axis turning season unlike basketball, which is such a speed-freak game due in no small part to the fact our nightly highlight diet consists of high-flying threes and slamaroonies.

Baseball moves at its own speed while hoop fans are poised for the post from day one. But you gotta pay the rent if you're an NBA owner, so there.

Frankly, I can't wait for baseball because the opening season Yankees-Red Sox series will offer more cumulative drama than every NBA game in March combined. But when the playoffs start, ah, suddenly every possession will be War.

I can't wait for any number of reasons:

Chauncey Billups and Denver, the tattooed love boys of Colorado, who will push every opponent to the limit; San Antonio making one last Alamo stand, McDyess, Jefferson and Blair rising up alongside the aging but still killer in a short series nucleus of Duncan/Parker/Ginobili; eighth seed Houston-Portland-New Orleans or Memphis throwing a scare into LA while everyone bitches that all aforementioned above .500 squads should make it in while the pathetic Eastern back-of-the-bus teams make it in with lousy records; Rondo putting Boston on his Kentucky back and taking those old legs as far as they can go; Vince Carter on the spot with his career on the line, knowing he'll be tabbed as nothing less than a perennial failure if Orlando doesn't make it back to the Finals; and Cleveland, the current pick to Go All The Way, with the incumbent pressure to satiate their leader LeBron into staying with only a title fitting the bill...bring it on already.

Well, that was at once an exciting and horrific display of college football.

It reminds us that these are kids out there, teenagers with acne doing their best to grow up on television.

What a game.

Great to see both coaches also behave like adolescents, between Nick Saban's first-series idiotic fake punt and Mack Brown's first-half dumbass call that cost his team the game.

The Man of The Hour is clearly Garrett Gilbert. Even though his team lost, what a performance by an untested freshman. It is somehow poetic that, after all the hype, the game changed instantly when Colt McCoy went down.

Yes, the kid coughed it up at the end and Bama lucked out with a win, but Gilbert deserves kudos for his performance under pressure.

He came in out of nowhere, he kept his team in the game, and if not for Brown's inexplicable call at the end of the first half, it may have all been different.

What I loved about this game is that it was full of youth.

We are all so jaded by college athletes and young professionals who are so poised and perfect. And tonight was like going to a Friday Night Lights high school game where anything can -- and did -- happen.

It was wonderful.

On the other hand, after watching ESPN's Classic Replay of the Texas-USC 2006 Rose Bowl faceoff, it looked like a girly match tonight, but, hey, these are kids, like I said. The aforementioned game was the greatest CFB game in history, full of Men named Young, Leinart, Bush, Smith and White, with one man (Vince) turning in a magnificent individual effort to lead his team to victory.

Tonight was different.

Mark Ingram was impressive but not dominant, and he will not be the second coming of Chris Johnson or Emmitt Smith in the NFL.

I won't even bother to quote McElroy's embarrassing stats ... he got his W and a BCS Title. Good for him.

The Arenas-Crittenton incident reminds us all that these are all young men under the million dollar glass of national scrutiny.

Here's to the amateur athlete, who was on ample display tonight.

God Bless Em.

Well, I managed to get through 26 minutes of the Lakers-Pistons game at Staples on Tuesday night, then turned away.

I know I speak for millions when I say how painful it is to see your favorite team, once a perennial powerhouse and title threat (with one great win thrown in there in 2004), become a complete and utter mess.

The Lakers cruised against a Detroit team embarking on its first, sure to be hapless, West Coast tour of the season. Kobe didn't even have to get out of second gear. Jordan Farmar and Shannon Brown came in and looked like Clyde and The Pearl.

Andrew Bynum towered over his opponents, looking every inch the star he is becoming. Derek Fisher and Lamar Odom picked up their easiest paycheck of the young season. Phil Jackson was probably taking notes on his next book.

When the game started, I barely knew the Pistons on the floor. Jonas Jerebko at power forward, whoever he is. Charlie Villanueva, the Twitter King, at the other forward. I know he had 22 in a quarter the other night but he put the 'k' in clank tonight. Ben Wallace, God bless him, his glory days long gone, gave it his all, but his all these days is incapable of making a one-footer, blocked first by Bynum, then the underside of the backboard in a particularly symbolic moment at the start of the second half, which was it for me.

On the bright side, while they won't remind anyone of Zeke, Dumars and the Microwave, Ben Gordon, Rodney Stuckey and Will Bynum took almost every shot and penetrated on occasion, but there isn't one player in the Detroit frontcourt who will remind anyone of Buddha Edwards (King of the Fadeaway Jumper), John Salley, Dennis Rodman or Big Bad Bill Laimbeer.

This is a team "in transition," as the media calls it. Meaning they suck.

Joe Dumars was a great great player, but as a GM he runs The Titanic of the NBA. I bet they won't even beat the Clippers this season.

Bill Davidson's widow, the owner of this franchise, must face facts. The city of Detroit is in economic free-fall. The days of leading the league in attendance won't return for years, if not decades. The Pistons need a federal bailout as much as the Lions.

Everybody makes mistakes, but Dumars' draft day decisions over the years have been horrible. He did get Stuckey deep in the 2007 draft, and he is a muscular young player, but he's a two not a one, and he wouldn't start on most teams. Austin "Stick Figure" Daye over an available banger like DeJuan Blair? Idiotic. Passing up Dwayne Wade or Carmelo Anthony for Darko Milicic is right up there with Portland's Bowie over MJ pick, and the "salary dump" deal of the great QB Chauncey Billups for Allen Iverson was a colossal error.

A year ago I was at Staples for AI's greatest game as a Piston. With Rip Hamilton sidelined by injury, AI ran amok against last year's eventual champion. He was everywhere, taking it to the rack, driving baseline to Rasheed Wallace for a dunk (one of the rare times all season Sheed was seen in the paint on offense, but I'll get to that), pairing with Stuckey and Prince to make good things happen. It was such a good night Kwame Brown even outplayed Andrew Bynum, but if ever a moment was frozen in time, that was it.

The key that night was that Rip H was NOT ON THE COURT, because Iverson could only play with a two guard who would take what AI gave him, and that's what Rodney Stuckey did. Hamilton, through very little fault of his own, could not/would not do that. And thus they imploded, with Will "The Thrill" Bynum, whose career includes two years in Israel, closing out the season -- and AI's career in Detroit -- by taking his minutes as they limped into the playoffs only to be stomped by Cleveland in about three minutes.

And then there is the Pistons' coaching carousel, which Joe D must take ownership of. Rick Carlisle out, LB in. That was a great move resulting in a title and a follow-up nail-biting seven-game defeat to San Antonio. And they were equipped for another run, but LB clashed with somebody, as The Rolling Stone always does, and poof! Hello, Flip Saunders, who failed to get it done in three straight ECF Finals.

The problem was LB should not have been allowed to leave. And he was. And the veteran core of Wallace/Hamilton/Billups/Prince and McDyess refused to listen to Flip, or whatever, and they blew chance after chance.

The biggest whiff was the crucial home playoff game v. Cleveland where LeBron ran wild in the fourth quarter, when he should have been decked or neutralized with defensive adjustment. Brown would have made it happen. Saunders, never a defensive specialist, couldn't.

My God, they couldn't even stop Daniel Gibson, who looked like World B. Free on a rampage before retreating into obscurity.

The next year the Garnett Celtics wiped them out, and they were the better team, going on to win the title.

Now Joe has inserted John Kuester, longtime assistant who wears a ring from assisting LB with the

Laker takedown, and he looks solid. But he's not playing with a full deck.

Frontcourt: Big Ben -- done and done. Kwame Brown -- one of biggest all-time busts. Jason Maxiell -- another big-time bust. And The Twitter King ... sorry, but like Ben Gordon, he's a defensive liability and a true sixth man.

They're doomed.

Prince will help when he returns, but the only hope this team has is to roll the dice and deal Hamilton for Carlos Boozer and his checkered reputation. Still, he's a 20-10 guy and with him over Rip, Detroit could even make the playoffs. Because in the NBA backcourt system, three's company, four's a crowd.

But as with the city they represent, perhaps they are just destined for the basement, get lucky and win the lottery, who even knows what that would bring. What they need is A CENTER. My high hopes for Amir Johnson were dashed, another guy who's lucky to still be in the league, and Detroit is left with nothing in the paint.

The irony for me is, being a Laker Hater, I can only root for Boston at this point. Need 4 Sheed fans have no doubt switched allegiance, but this clown deserves as much blame as Dumars.

After a couple of great years, he just plain quit on The Pistons, particularly last season. He refused to go down in the post and operate, and that's because neither Flip nor JD nor Michael Curry (forgot about him but who hasn't -- totally over his head from the get-go) could ORDER him to do his job.

The inmates pretty much run the asylum in the NBA. Look at Mike Brown; he's toast by March because LBJ won't listen to him and they have no offensive system.

Rasheed Wallace is a great player, one of the most talented in recent years -- just ask Charles Barkley -- but in Detroit he refused to be a man, be a leader and go down on the block and mix it up. Of course, with his luck, he WILL listen to Doc Rivers not to mention KG, Allen and Pierce, because he HAS TO, and he holds the key to the Celtics' chances to paint the title green.

I will be rooting for you, Sheed, because you're just so damn likable. But you let us Piston fans down, and we're left sweeping up the popcorn at The Palace with a team "in transition."

Which again, for those of you playing at home, means We Suck.

At last, the NBA Playoffs are here!

Unfortunately for me, a Piston fan who was rooting for the lottery, my boys choked their way into a quick brooming from the Cavs, who are on fire and will show no mercy.

The great LBJ, who broke Detroit's will two years ago with his Game 5 ballroom blitz, driving the lane at will while Rasheed Wallace et.al. stood by and watched him own the paint like a man among boys (where was Rick "Clothesline" Mahorn when I needed him?!), will decimate Detroit in four, five max. (Will The Thrill Bynum just MIGHT go wild one night. This is what it has come to for Piston faithful, counting on a guy who didn't even PLAY the first half of the season thanks to Curry's Alice in Wonderland rotation and the AI debacle).

Like their hometown, the Pistons need a bailout more than GM. Yes, Joe Dumars has cleared lotsa cap space so he can get ... who??? Carlos Boozer? Well, at least he has a post game.

It remains one of the great mysteries in sport why Dumars, Flip Saunders, Michael Curry (certainly one of the worst rookie coaches in history), Dave Cowens and even Mike Abdenour have allowed Wallace to devolve into a three-point line bystander. A guy who used to be a dominant low-post animal is now heaving up half his shots a game (I read the box every night) from 25 or more.

Can't anybody tell this multi-millionaire to GET IN THE GD PAINT and operate?! Apparently not. And Piston Nation (sic) was hardly surprised by the predictably sour finish to Monday's pivotal showdown with the Bulls, a date with peaking Cleveland or banged-up Boston at stake. At the Palace nonetheless.

Wallace, like Karl Malone, neither of whom made an end-of-game playoff bucket in his career, gets the ball with five on the clock, down by two, and heaves an airball three when he had ten feet open in front of him to launch an easier shot to tie and send it to OT. Antonio McDyess, easily the team's MVP this year who needs to have his head examined for not signing with Boston after clearing Denver waivers, got stuck with the loose ball and missed a tough angle corner shot while Sheed was probably conjuring up a new routine for his tiresome and now just plain offensive pre-game dance-circle jive ritual.

While I can't argue with Dumars' dumping Mr. Big Shot Billups in the spirit of Branch Rickey's "better to trade him a year early than a year late" philosophy, the Pistons are a gutless embarrassment. This was illustrated shortly after the passing of benevolent owner Bill Davidson, whose money PAID these clowns. The Motor City Badmen responded to Mr. D's death with an inexplicable loss at home to ... Memphis. Maybe dumbass Curry should have screened the tape of Bobby Murcer knocking it out of the park to beat the Orioles after Thurman Munson's funeral. But he was probably too busy buying another heinous checkered suit while Darrell Walker was drawing up offensive schemes. Love ya, Darrell but don't recall you as a scoring machine.

God, I miss Flip Saunders, let alone Larry Brown, one of the greatest coaches in history (Bobcats over Lakers TWICE this year ... I rest my case).

With LB the Pistons would have beaten Cleveland and San Antonio in 2006 a year after their gutwrenching seven-game war with the Spurs. Sadly, for basketball purists everywhere, they became the last superstar-less team to win a title, reminiscent to me --- not to mention Phil Jackson --- of the selfless Willis Reed Knicks, before a slow descent into the maelstrom featuring regular-season domination and playoff abomination.

As for the rest of the playoffs, I'll break that down next time but, barring a KG resurrection, we're looking at a David Stern wet dream: Kobe v. LeBron, and I see the Lakers in six.

And living in LA as a Lakerhater, I should probably make plans to leave town in mid-June to avoid the nauseating spectacle of another parade down Figueroa.

But hey! You gotta love pros like Bryant, Gasol, Fisher. Not only do they not get dumbass Ts, they NEVER quit. Listening, Sheed?