The Sound of the Suburbs

So we're less than 48 hours out from what we all hope will be the most memorable seven-game series of the 21st Century. As I've said before, it'll have to be a monster to top the 2005 Spurs-Pistons series, but we've got bigger markets, bigger names and bigger history for a start.

Who will guard Rondo? If it's Bryant, he's run ragged all over the floor and has to find that secret energy reserve (which he always has) to get it up on the offensive end. This leaves Fisher on Allen, which the RaynMan should dominate. But don't underestimate Fish and his multiple rings. And Brown and Farmar will have to step up, as well as contend with the reborn Nate Robinson, who will come out firing.

On the side we get the mainman match: Pierce v. Artest. The modern-day Rodman, Ron Ron could conceiveably give P Squared fits, but then again Pierce could make Q1 interesting by drawing early fouls and forcing Artest to the bench. Then we get Odom v. Pierce. Odom shows up at least every other game and with his Kardashian bride on the sidelines expect him to Bob Beamon his way through the finals.

In the paint, I'd put KG on Bynum. KG is old and dinged. Bynum is young and dinged. Draw. That leaves Perkins and Sheed to shadow Gasol, another key to the outcome.

The Celtic bench rules on paper, but I'll go out on a limb and predict either Brown or Farmar wins one game with an out-of-nowhere offensive thrust.

The crowd and the coaches: Dead even. Lunatic fans on each coast, and Glenn Rivers will match every move Action Jackson makes.

Inevitably it will come down to Kobe v. Boston. As everybody not living under a rock knows, Bryant is the best baller on Planet Earth. Yet Boston has the better TEAM.

I have no idea who will win, nor does anybody else. The fact that SI's "experts" pick Boston four to two, just as they almost unanimously picked Cleveland to win it all at the start of this craziness, makes me think Kobe and Co. will win.

Of most concern to me is Games 1, 4 and 7 are slated for Thursday nights, MY sacred hoop night. What was wrong with Weds/Fri/Sunday, Herr Stern?

Must be about ad dollars.

Bring on the action, cuz when it's over we'll be left with MLB until football kicks in.

I had a long work week and, to be honest, haven't begun watching Game 3 Boston-Orlando but I checked, know it is a blowout (no surprize Steven Tyler) and it's a big yawn till we get to the rubber match of two outta three between Boston and LA off the last two years and how f-ing great is that.

Not that I have a real rooting interest but living in LA and experiencing the insufferable vibe that is LA Sports Talk Radio (Vic The Brick, etc) I can't help but root for Boston.

Cuz this is gonna be the best NBA Finals since my Pistons were barely shaded by San Antonio in a memorable seven-game set that nobody ever talks about cuz the participants weren't, er, Boston and LA.

The series will "hinge" on Andrew Bynum's meniscus tear (an injury I know too well) but let's save that for next time.

Tonight I warmed up for Game 3 by watching the greatest movie ever made, The Godfather.

Remarkably, the whole conference finals offer an unmistakable character analogy between Francis Ford Coppola's masterpiece and playoff basketball.

Let's break it down:

Phil Jackson as Don Corleone.
The aging Godfather along for one last shot. Never bet against The Don.

Kobe or Pierce as Michael Corleone.
The series will tell the tale but it will come down to a battle of wills between these two cats. Pierce got the crap knocked out of him by Dwight Howard in Game 2, a Flagrant 4 that would have resulted in Monsieur Gortat's dismissal if he were the culprit, but DH is Superman and too big a star to get tossed in the first half of a pivotal game. And Kobe, well, he IS the greatest but his humanity lacks a certain savoir faire that we Americans call A SENSE OF HUMOUR. In other words, we're never gonna see him yukking it up with EJ, The Jet and CB. Chris Webber fits in cuz he's funny! Heck, he guest-starred on the CW's sitcom "The Game" once, where word has it the episode director yelled "Time Out!" instead of "Cut!" during filming.

Dwight Howard as Sonny.
Just a kid when the smoke clears. Not ready for prime time. Back to the drawing board, Patrick Ewing. Note to Magic management: Hire The Dream to mold Dwight (he ain't no Superman) into a footwork maven.

Pau Gasol or Rajon Rondo as Tom Hagen.
Who will it be? The winner wears the ring.

Matt Barnes as Luca Brazi.
The enforcer who disappears early.

Kendrick Perkins as Clemenza.
'Nuff said.

Stan Van Gundy as Mo Green.
Do the math.

Robert Sarver as Tartaglia.
Because the political move to go Los Suns flies in the face of what 70 percent of American citizens think of the Arizona immigration law i.e. TOTAL SUPPORT. You moron. Walking On The Beaches Looking At The Peaches.

Rashard Lewis as Fredo.
Yeah, that's right, Mr. Worst Free Agent Contract in NBA History; Tweet how you can still win the series after your pathetic no-show in Games 1 and 2. Hedo T made you!

Vince Carter as Johnny Fontaine.
Crying like a woman like VC does after every non-call. Unfortunately for Vince, there's nobody to put a horse head in Doc Rivers' bed. Adios, Invincible (sic).

Amare Stoudemire as Captain McCluskey.
Shot in the head early.

Jameer Nelson as Apollonia.
Blown in vain, shot down in flames. Bon Scott would have made a better point guard at crunch time. It's Only The Children Of The F-Ing Wealthy Who Tend To Be Good Looking! Jean-Jacques Burnel is GOD.

And that leaves us with The Godfather's atmospheric extras to finish the equation:

Sheed/Big Baby/Tony Allen V. Farmar/Odom/Fish.

I have no idea who will win but the fact none of the beat writers gave Kobe a single MVP vote means he will be the pistol packing mama of The Finals so I'll say LA in 7.

And this Angeleno will have to suffer through another parade.

I'll See You In The Sewer, Darling.

Bottom line ECF: Boys V. Men.

OMFG! The Lakers are 2-2 on their road trip! Call Out The Dogs!

As mentioned previously, I was out of the country for a week and when I returned the next day's LA Times sports page blared TEN THINGS WRONG WITH THE LAKERS or some such nonsense. And this on top of the fact I had noticed while on holiday that they seemed to be winning every game.

So I come home, see they've won six or seven in a row even sans Bynum (yeah, he's injury prone but who'd you rather have Laker fans, Greg Oden?) So I'm thinking, What's The Big Deal?

But then again who I am kidding? People in LA are just SOFT (the weather, duh) and if Kobe and Co. don't win every game by 20+, a black cloud envelops the purple-and-gold following, talk radio, the papers, etc.

It goes something like this:

They're not ready to defend their title.

They can't defend the pick and roll.

Ariza is better than Artest.

Odom is inconsistent.

Pau is soft.

Phil is too easy on them.

Kobe is a three-faced narcissist (er, that was actually a Rolling Stone line and I have no idea what it means. From my experience narcissists have one face).

Bynum is injury-prone and foul-prone.

Fish is finished.

They should have gone 82-0 because they're better than MJ's Bulls.

Odom is inconsistent.

And so on.

Now let me be perfectly clear here:

I live in LA.

I am not a Laker fan.

And this all amuses me in major fashion.

But let's take a step back, Laker Nation.

Fact: Kobe Bryant is one of the greatest players ever to play the game.

Fact: Phil Jackson is one of the greatest coaches in league history.

Fact: Ron Artest is a proven lockdown defender when the money is on the line, which it will be once the playoffs start.

Fact: Regardless of his age, Derek Fisher has hit more clutch postseason shots than any shooting guard in the league besides Ray Allen and, er, Bryant.

Fact: Pau Gasol showed last year in the WCF and Finals he is a complete and utter post-up stud.

Fact: Lamar Odom shows up when it matters AND he's married to a Kardashian. (Note: Bob Beamon allegedly had sex six times the night before he broke the Olympic long jump record; connect the dots).

Fact: Andrew Bynum is seven foot tall and still a kid who is developing in to a dominant force in the league. (Kudos to Mitch Kupchak and I have not forgotten LA talk radio's bashing of his draft pick of AB at the time -- idiots one and all).

Fact: They won it all last year and it's a loooooong season.

Fact: Brown, Farmar, Walton, Vujacic, MBenga and Powell are solid bench players with rings.

Fact: They haven't won in Portland's Rose Garden and they got blown out by an exuberant young team in OKC who would be lucky to win one game in a playoff series against LA.

Fact: LA owns San Antonio and while Denver may give them trouble any team whose best post-up players are Chauncey Billups and Melo are not going to beat LA in a seven-game series.

Fact: Boston has no chance of getting to the Finals.

That means one thing: Only King James and HIS supporting cast are a threat to the Kobe Throne.

And that's what we all want to see and that's what we all WILL see so relax, Laker fans. Phil and Kobe will turn it up to 11 once the playoffs start, and your incessant insecure whining will prove taillight embarrassing.

Cleveland IS great. Shaq, Jamison, Varejo, M Williams, Z and the rest WILL be formidable and may very well prevail, but the Vegas money will be on LA.

So relax, chill, turn your wrath to the McCourts (don't you just love Joe Torre's FU to them by naming Vicente Padilla as opening day starter?) and wait for The Real Games to start on Tax Day.

Great as they are this Laker team is NOT the Bulls, NOT the vintage Celtics, but they are damn good and KB is all about his legacy and that alone will take them to the finals where LeBron will be waiting.

Bring It On ...

Well it's still February and a long way till the playoffs, but Celtics' fans are in a state of shock.

Even sans Paul Pierce, Thursday night was a beatdown of significant proportion by the Cavaliers. Mike Brown wishes the playoffs started now because it would be down to Cleveland v. Orlando unless Atlanta makes it interesting.

Boston is in major trouble. Not even the news that Steven Tyler has predictably rejoined Aerosmith is enough to make Beantown smile.

Cleveland just looks scary. This game was magnified by one simple play in the first half when LeBron took KG one on one from the left wing, flashed step-back footwork and drained a 22-footer. This man cannot be stopped by anyone in the league, including Ron Artest, who will draw the short straw willingly in June.

And thanks to the awful NBA non-rule, Z will soon rejoin Cleveland to spell Shaq down the stretch, and O'Neal looks reborn since the All-Star break. Antawn Jamison will take time to fit in, JJ Hickson must still get his minutes and will, and despite the fact his weird curly helmet continues to annoy me Anderson Varejao is Rodman Jr. for this team, and that's not even talking about the capable backcourt of Williams, Parker and West, with Gibson in reserve.

They're on a mission to Staples, and David Stern and Co. must be licking their chops at an all-time ratings series final a la the Super Bowl. It won't be 106M but it will be good enough no matter who prevails cuz it'll surely go six or seven.

Cleveland was superb a week ago, and the acquisition of Jamison just makes them better. The Cavs will win the East handily unless LBJ goes down.

Meanwhile in the West the Lakers remain the team to beat. Despite losing to Dallas on the back to back, they came close to a sweep and beating them four times will prove impossible for anyone in the West, and difficult for the Cavs as well.

San Antonio is dead meat unless it discovers the fountain of youth by May, and it sure ain't Richard Jefferson. OK City will spring a first-round upset if not more, Portland is trouble but it will all be fodder when LA asserts itself and wallops whomever is in its way.

When the smoke clears, it will be a headline battle of massive proportion: Kobe v. LeBron, no puppets involved. Both supporting casts are equally matched, and in a way the X factor could prove to be Shaq, who, if he can one-up Bynum, could make the difference. But then again, who guards Gasol?

The pendulum has swung west for the majority, as we will all join in the hue and cry when at least three better than .500 West teams don't make the post while a bunch of East losers (Heat, etc.) get in under the wire. We have reached the tipping point where the teams with the 16 best records should make it in because a team like Utah could give Atlanta or even Boston all they could handle in round one.

As a pathetic Detroit fan rooting for them to win the lottery by losing every game the rest of the way (good job, Rip, missing three free throws in a row at crunch time the other night v. the Paper Clips, showing why Orlando did not deal Gortat for you at trade deadline) I continue to shake my head at Joe Dumars' failure to draft DeJuan Blair, who would have had better stats than the combined frontline of Wallace, Prince and Jerebko if only Detroit didn't have brain-dead scouts and GM.

Austin Daye? Yeah, that was a great pick, Joe. Tom Wilson's exit and Mrs. Davidson's move to sell the team is a year late but still a good move. And watching the great GREAT Chauncey Billups night in and night out (wasn't he magnificent in Cleveland last week?) makes me ask again and again why Dumars thought dealing him for Allen (Who?) Iverson was a good idea.

Oh boy you got Ben Gordon and Charlie Villanueva with the money! Genius -- not. CV is a twit, Gordon is a perennial no-D bench player and Vinnie Johnson is shaking his head somewhere.

But who cares about the Pistons beside me>

Cleveland has the right mindset: California Here We Come. Look out.

Boston sports teams have hit the wall. They've got one thing going for them: Scott Brown. And who's to say the hardcore even wanted HIM to win.

The Celtics just had their worst four-day stretch in years. First, blowing a big first-half lead on the road in Orlando to a team that will no doubt face off with Cleveland in this year's ECF. Then losing to Atlanta, capping a four-zip season sweep for the Hawks. Joe Johnson and Co. have Boston's number. Fortunately for the Celts they won't face Atlanta in the EC Semis (if they get there). No, the Magic will be waiting and will prevail at this rate.

Yeah, many of us thought Boston reloaded with Sheed and Marquis Daniels and would challenge LA in June, but that's looking grim. The NBA, unlike MLB and the NFL, is purely a young man's game, and suddenly Boston looks old. Very old.

KG ain't the same after major knee surgery -- anyone who's gone under that knife can attest it ain't easy -- and Pierce and Allen have lost half a step, Wallace has been going downhill since LBJ decimated the Pistons in ECF Game 6 a few years ago, and Rajon Rondo, as great as he is -- and great he is --cannot do it all.

Boston isn't in the Amare Stoudemire derby and that probably wouldn't solve the problem anyway, not to mention the fact they'd have to give up Kendrick Perkins or Glen Davis to get him, the two of whom are Boston's best inside players.

LA and Herr Kobe beat them Sunday with another great finish -- Bryant is simply, along with James, the best there is, and you just knew the Lakers were going to pull it out. LA will only get better with studs Gasol and Artest just warming up and Andrew Bynum ... did you SEE that catch and tomahawk jam off the great entry pass from Kobe in the third quarter? The sky's the limit with this kid.

I remember vividly LA talk radio when Kupchak drafted Bynum ... the outcry, the backlash, the hue and cry ... what morons these spoiled Laker fans are. Big men don't grow on trees as the saying goes, and now the Lakers have not one but the two best bigs in the West, not to mention the entire league, as only Howard is in the same class. Add to that Odom, Farmar, a still capable Fish, Shannon Brown and Bryant ... good luck NBA.

David Stern is looking forward to the LeBron-Kobe June Final, and he'll get it. I still don't think Cleveland can beat LA four times despite its regular-season sweep. Cleveland still lives off a one-on-five attack when it matters, and James can only make so many three-pointers.

On the other hand if Cleveland lands Stoudemire, baggage and all, the Cavs could get it done. A core rotation of James, Williams, Shaq, Varejao, Amare, Hickson, West and Gibson could take LA to seven, and then who knows.

But back to Beantown. The Pats' reign is over. The league has caught up. Randy Moss will continue to cause problems, and the defense is riddled with holes even Hoodie Belichick can't fill. They had their run; now it's time to reload, which will take time.

Then there's The Red Sox. If they were smart they'd bring Johnny Damon back, because Adrian Beltre has had one good year (as a Dodger) in his career and he is incapable of replacing Mike Lowell's big bat, RBI prowess and clubhouse gravitas despite his shotgun arm. Kind of like replacing Graig Nettles with Aurelio Rodriguez, and that's overselling Beltre's arm.

The Bosox made a good move signing Lackey, and their rotation is the best in baseball, not to mention the pen remains strong and Pap will bounce back, but where is The Big Stick? No Bay, no Manny, and unless Big Papi has an offseason rendezvous with The Fountain of Youth he is done.

The Yankees, meanwhile, reload, cutting Damon, Cabrera and Nady, while picking up Curtis Granderson and Randy Winn, more than a good deal. Sports' greatest franchise thrives on bringing role players in for the trip of a lifetime, but Brian Cashman monitors their expiration date and always trades up or sideways when he has the chance.

The ultimate determining bidding war of the next five MLB years will be Boston and the Yankees pursuing Joe Mauer, as with both teams in need of new blood at catcher, Mauer can write his own ticket. I personally hope he stays in Minnesota, but I'm old fashioned and he will follow the money, probably to The Bronx.

When that happens look out. Joba will replace Rivera; Sabathia/Burnett/Hughes/ will form a drop-dead triumvirate for years to come, and Boston will be dying for a wildcard spot that won't come easy.

Boston, my hometown, a wonderfully provincial escape, has had a tremendous run of titles but it's OVER, just like hometown rockers Aerosmith.

The only advice: Follow the lead of Joe Perry, A-Smith axeman. Hit the road on your own, return to your punk roots, reenergize and regroup and reclaim greatness over time.

Let The Music Do The Talking.

Well it's that time of year, when blogger idiots like me throw out scattershot crystal ball opinions about What Lies Ahead ... Let's get right to it.

NFL
San Diego over Dallas in Super Bowl Whatever.

The Chargers have paid their dues, knocked on the door and gone away empty, but this is the year all that ends. Philip Rivers is surrounded by his penultimate offense, and the defense is good enough to prevail in any number of shootouts, which is what the NFL is about in The Age of Parity.

LaDainian Tomlinson and Darren Sproles will get it done on the ground, and Vincent Jackson, Antonio Gates et. al. will complement them and grab the brass (?) ring as the Chargers finally do what antecedents Don Coryell and Dan Fouts could not do: Win The Big One. Norv Turner gets the monkey off his back at long last, and there's a boat parade in San Diego. No one drowns.

The Cowboys make a brilliant run through the NFC and while not prevailing in Miami, save Wade Phillips' job. Tony Romo proves he is a great quarterback regardless of whom he's dating.

Indy and New Orleans go home bitter, but Drew Brees leads the Saints to a 2011 Super Bowl triumph while Jim Caldwell is haunted by pulling his starters and allowing the pathetic Jets into the playoffs in 2010. Rex Ryan weeps openly when the Jets are trounced by Baltimore.

NBA
Boston over LA in a classic seven-game duel. Kobe Bryant is unstoppable but Andrew Bynum fails to outdo Kendrick Perkins and Rasheed Wallace, and Rajon Rondo is the X factor. Jordan Farmar makes

a big mistake at crunch time and LA media second-guesses him to death. Ron Artest falls down the stairs after the loss and blames it on the Tooth Fairy.

Stan Van Gundy is fired after an ECF blowup with Dwight Howard, who finally realizes he needs to work on his post game in the offseason so he can become the next Hakeem Olajuwon.

Denver and San Antonio have a holy war of a semifinal that the Spurs win before falling to the Lakers in six. Nuggets players vote to remove all their tattoos, which benches them until 2015.

Tracy McGrady joins the Harlem Globetrotters for a Washington General to be named later.

Barack Obama welcomes the Celtics to the White House and challenges Brian Scalabrine to a game of one on one, wins and is reelected in a landslide. Rahm Emanuel replaces Stan Van Gundy in a government bailout.

MLB
The reloaded Yankees run away with the AL East but it is the hated Red Sox who dominate the playoffs, vanquishing their hated enemies in six before falling to Philadelphia in seven in the World Series, which will be played in February thanks to global freezing delays.

Kevin Youkilis is World Series MVP as the three-armed beast of Beckett/Lester/Lackey dominates red October and all is well in the sports capital of America, Boston.

MLS/NHL
Who cares?

Vancouver Winter Olympics
Black speedskater Shani Davis carries the USA flag into the opening ceremonies before dominating his sport with a handful of gold medals. A bewildered Madison Avenue sees the next Tiger Woods and floods him with lucrative endorsement offers.

Golf
Tiger rebounds with unqualified excellence, putting his personal problems behind him by winning the U.S. Open and Masters, while an Asian under the age of 25 wins the British Open as Tokyo celebrates.

Tennis
Brit Andy Murray finally breaks through and wins Wimbledon, while Rafi Nadal takes the U.S and French Opens. Roger Federer consoles himself with another Aussie title. The Williams sisters continue to dominate the femme field, without body-cavity threats to unsuspecting linesmen/women.

March Madness
Cincinnati runs the table and stuns perennial ACC favorites with a Final Four triumph.

UCLA coach Ben Howland is fired after an early exit.

Bill Walton takes over.

College Football
Utah astounds national onlookers with a BCS triumph over Alabama. The entire team celebrates by going on a two-year mission to try and get Mitt Romney the Republican nomination in 2012, which fails.

You read it here first ...