The Sound of the Suburbs

I watched Game 1 till the first commercial when it was about 16-12. Then I went to play ball myself with a bunch of Laker fans who checked the score after every pickup game.

We had a discussion afterwards: do we play next Thursday? After all it will be Game 4. The majority voted NO until yours truly piped up with something along the lines of "Does Pau Gasol give a crap if we get a run?"

Uh, no. I prevailed, despite being the worst player on the floor last night. Assertive conviction overrides all.

So, yeah, I didn't really see Game 1. But the outcome was No Surprize.

Kobe slashed, Gasol muscled, Odom opened, Fisher fished.

And Boston, apparently, stood around and watched.

What's great about NBA playoffs, especially the Finals, is the pressure shifts seismically after every game.

In this case the heat is on Homeboy Paul Pierce. If he doesn't decide to take it to the rack and throw caution to the wind, Boston will lose Game 2 and the series.

Ray Allen will get his points. KG is on his last legs but has a last run in him if he's the fourth wheel behind Pierce/Rondo/Allen. Boston's bench should and must rise up in Game 2.

Vegas once again looks prescient after Game 1, making LA heavy favorites. Because LA has Bryant on a vengeful mission and a better supporting cast than Jordan ever had. So the Celtics are underdogs.

But don't count them out -- yet. The two things they have going for them are Pierce and Rivers. And make that three things -- how could I forget Rondo?

Still, the heat is on Inglewood's finest, Pierce. Mitch Kupchak, Jerry Buss and Action Jackson let Trevor Ariza go for THIS series. If Ron Ron neutralizes Pierce as he did Friday night, it ends quickly.

So it's up to 2008 MVP PP to get it up and carry his squad back to TD Garden tied at one. Because this ain't the young, dumb and quick Thunder out there. It's the aging, wily Celtics who must carry the Auerbach/Russell torch and step up to the challenge.

Speaking of the greatest player in hoop history, Bill Russell, I hope he's living the Bryan Ferry life right about now ... "Here as I sit at this antique cafe thinking of you..." Because Ray Allen must play the role of Sam Jones, Pierce Havlicek, Garnett Cowens, Wallace Siegfried, Rondo Archibald, if Boston is to rebound (sic).

And David Stern and I sure hope so. ABC needs the coin of a six- or seven-game series and after all this retro Bird-Magic build-up, so do we.

So Mr. Pierce, meet the challenge. Take it to the rack. You will get the calls if you've got spring in your step.

On a separate, sad note, the greatest coach in sports history left the planet today. At 99 years young, John Wooden, the man with the rolled-up game plan coiled tightly in his fist, the best teacher in college sports history, has succumbed to the inevitable call of Death.

May you rest in peace, Mr. Wooden. Like Joe DiMaggio and Vince Lombardi, you will always be remembered as not just a champion, but a gentleman. I can't say for sure but I bet the guy never drew a T. Condolences to the entire Wooden and UCLA family.

THIS is a great loss.

So we're less than 48 hours out from what we all hope will be the most memorable seven-game series of the 21st Century. As I've said before, it'll have to be a monster to top the 2005 Spurs-Pistons series, but we've got bigger markets, bigger names and bigger history for a start.

Who will guard Rondo? If it's Bryant, he's run ragged all over the floor and has to find that secret energy reserve (which he always has) to get it up on the offensive end. This leaves Fisher on Allen, which the RaynMan should dominate. But don't underestimate Fish and his multiple rings. And Brown and Farmar will have to step up, as well as contend with the reborn Nate Robinson, who will come out firing.

On the side we get the mainman match: Pierce v. Artest. The modern-day Rodman, Ron Ron could conceiveably give P Squared fits, but then again Pierce could make Q1 interesting by drawing early fouls and forcing Artest to the bench. Then we get Odom v. Pierce. Odom shows up at least every other game and with his Kardashian bride on the sidelines expect him to Bob Beamon his way through the finals.

In the paint, I'd put KG on Bynum. KG is old and dinged. Bynum is young and dinged. Draw. That leaves Perkins and Sheed to shadow Gasol, another key to the outcome.

The Celtic bench rules on paper, but I'll go out on a limb and predict either Brown or Farmar wins one game with an out-of-nowhere offensive thrust.

The crowd and the coaches: Dead even. Lunatic fans on each coast, and Glenn Rivers will match every move Action Jackson makes.

Inevitably it will come down to Kobe v. Boston. As everybody not living under a rock knows, Bryant is the best baller on Planet Earth. Yet Boston has the better TEAM.

I have no idea who will win, nor does anybody else. The fact that SI's "experts" pick Boston four to two, just as they almost unanimously picked Cleveland to win it all at the start of this craziness, makes me think Kobe and Co. will win.

Of most concern to me is Games 1, 4 and 7 are slated for Thursday nights, MY sacred hoop night. What was wrong with Weds/Fri/Sunday, Herr Stern?

Must be about ad dollars.

Bring on the action, cuz when it's over we'll be left with MLB until football kicks in.

I had a long work week and, to be honest, haven't begun watching Game 3 Boston-Orlando but I checked, know it is a blowout (no surprize Steven Tyler) and it's a big yawn till we get to the rubber match of two outta three between Boston and LA off the last two years and how f-ing great is that.

Not that I have a real rooting interest but living in LA and experiencing the insufferable vibe that is LA Sports Talk Radio (Vic The Brick, etc) I can't help but root for Boston.

Cuz this is gonna be the best NBA Finals since my Pistons were barely shaded by San Antonio in a memorable seven-game set that nobody ever talks about cuz the participants weren't, er, Boston and LA.

The series will "hinge" on Andrew Bynum's meniscus tear (an injury I know too well) but let's save that for next time.

Tonight I warmed up for Game 3 by watching the greatest movie ever made, The Godfather.

Remarkably, the whole conference finals offer an unmistakable character analogy between Francis Ford Coppola's masterpiece and playoff basketball.

Let's break it down:

Phil Jackson as Don Corleone.
The aging Godfather along for one last shot. Never bet against The Don.

Kobe or Pierce as Michael Corleone.
The series will tell the tale but it will come down to a battle of wills between these two cats. Pierce got the crap knocked out of him by Dwight Howard in Game 2, a Flagrant 4 that would have resulted in Monsieur Gortat's dismissal if he were the culprit, but DH is Superman and too big a star to get tossed in the first half of a pivotal game. And Kobe, well, he IS the greatest but his humanity lacks a certain savoir faire that we Americans call A SENSE OF HUMOUR. In other words, we're never gonna see him yukking it up with EJ, The Jet and CB. Chris Webber fits in cuz he's funny! Heck, he guest-starred on the CW's sitcom "The Game" once, where word has it the episode director yelled "Time Out!" instead of "Cut!" during filming.

Dwight Howard as Sonny.
Just a kid when the smoke clears. Not ready for prime time. Back to the drawing board, Patrick Ewing. Note to Magic management: Hire The Dream to mold Dwight (he ain't no Superman) into a footwork maven.

Pau Gasol or Rajon Rondo as Tom Hagen.
Who will it be? The winner wears the ring.

Matt Barnes as Luca Brazi.
The enforcer who disappears early.

Kendrick Perkins as Clemenza.
'Nuff said.

Stan Van Gundy as Mo Green.
Do the math.

Robert Sarver as Tartaglia.
Because the political move to go Los Suns flies in the face of what 70 percent of American citizens think of the Arizona immigration law i.e. TOTAL SUPPORT. You moron. Walking On The Beaches Looking At The Peaches.

Rashard Lewis as Fredo.
Yeah, that's right, Mr. Worst Free Agent Contract in NBA History; Tweet how you can still win the series after your pathetic no-show in Games 1 and 2. Hedo T made you!

Vince Carter as Johnny Fontaine.
Crying like a woman like VC does after every non-call. Unfortunately for Vince, there's nobody to put a horse head in Doc Rivers' bed. Adios, Invincible (sic).

Amare Stoudemire as Captain McCluskey.
Shot in the head early.

Jameer Nelson as Apollonia.
Blown in vain, shot down in flames. Bon Scott would have made a better point guard at crunch time. It's Only The Children Of The F-Ing Wealthy Who Tend To Be Good Looking! Jean-Jacques Burnel is GOD.

And that leaves us with The Godfather's atmospheric extras to finish the equation:

Sheed/Big Baby/Tony Allen V. Farmar/Odom/Fish.

I have no idea who will win but the fact none of the beat writers gave Kobe a single MVP vote means he will be the pistol packing mama of The Finals so I'll say LA in 7.

And this Angeleno will have to suffer through another parade.

I'll See You In The Sewer, Darling.

Bottom line ECF: Boys V. Men.

Don't always know what I'm talkin' about
Feels like I'm livin' in the middle of doubt

Phoenix's own Vincent Furnier aka Alice Cooper said it best when it comes to this year's NBA Playoffs.

Because who the F knows where it's going? Even Glen Buxton, rest his Dwight Frye soul, would be at a loss.

Three sweeps outta four in the conference semis! When's the last time THAT happened? And what do we project for the next round?!

Good ball, that's what.

Los Suns stun San Antonio despite their misguided, imbecilic political statement. Read the bill and don't mix sports with politics Senor Sarver.

LA restores order in the house by putting Utah and its scumbag racist fans away for good. Shame on you a-holes for deriding D Fish, a MAN who gave his all for Utah before making a Family Guy decision to move back to LA to take care of his child.

I've loved Jerry Sloan since he paired with Norm Van Lier in the Bulls' backcourt, but even HE had to be ashamed of the home crowd in Utah.

My advice to Williams and Boozer: Get outta town asap if you want a ring. Bad Karma will plague those loser fans forever. Christ, it got so bad I HAD to root for the Lakers.

So now we wait three months for Suns-Lakers to begin. I confess I haven't seen Phoenix play a full game this year but I'll bet the house on LA to prevail and return to The Promised Land. Goran Dragic (rhymes with Magic) torched SAS in Game 3 but he's still a year or two away from becoming the next Ginobili (who, btw, screwed up by signing an extension when he could have gone to NY to join LBJ and David Lee on a Knick team that will resurrect Willis/Clyde/Bradley/DeBusschere/Barnett greatness within two years).

Orlando, the unhyped contender, remains unbeaten in the post, a healthy Jameer Nelson, the third

wheel flanking Superman and InVincible with a dose of Rashard Lewis, Mickael Pietrus (how can you NOT love him?!) and enforcer Matt Barnes who has the fearlessness to be licking his chops at guarding Bryant in the Finals.

Not that Orlando will easily trump Cleveland, but I expect the Magic to, probably in six. Everybody's talking about it so I'll pile on: Cleveland rolls with James. Jamison/Shaq/Williams still don't equal Pippen and that's why the Cavs will fall to Orlando. And if Dwight H can shoot 60 percent from the line it'll be over in five.

But enough of my aimless prognostication. Let's take a quick look back at The Good, The Bad and The Ugly of the 2010 playoffs to date:

The Good: OKC, a punk team with a median age of 16 (sic) giving LA all it could handle. Good thing Los Lakers beat them now because next year Durant, Westbrook and my new fave R-n-R baller Serge Ibaka will be back, with James Harden riding shotgun.

Rajon Rondo ... 19 boards in Game 4?! NINETEEN BOARDS!!!! JFC, this kid is a stud. Who'd a thunk he would so quickly become the main stem on such a loaded veteran team.

Nash/Stoudemire: An old twosome who are making the run of their lives and, should they miraculously prevail over LA, will win it all. But they won't.

Kobe/Gasol: Aarching their games at crunch time like Mr. Buxton's Unfinished Sweet James Bond guitar opus ... they remain the kings of the NBA Castle until somebody knocks them off. Anybody

who can beat them four outta seven is a team for the ages.

The Bad: Joe Johnson and the Atlanta Hawks. The single most devaluing free agent perf in recent playoff history. And he'll take Mike Woodson with him. The Hawks, who didn't draw Boston as hoped--their regular-season beyotch--are back to square one. Paging Lou Hudson. And btw whatever happened to Mike Bibby? Aside to Josh Smith: Grow Up.

Utah Jazz. I don't want to beat a dead horse but then again why not. I don't recall but I bet Alice Cooper never played Salt Lake City. 'Nuff Said. Do the math.

Dallas. Dirk is a goner. Not to mention Rick Carlisle. Again, Square One.

The Ugly: Rasheed Wallace. Yeah, the series is tied at two but 'Sheed has showed his typical quitter stripes after his momentary outburst in Game 2. Even a blind squirrel ... Keep in mind this loser was the key F-Up in the infamous Laker-Portland Game 7 where Shaq and Kobe overcame a huge fourth-quarter lead to beat the Blazers while Wallace disappeared, his NBA epitaph. Never made a clutch shot in the post in his career.

San Antonio. I still don't know how it happened and I love this team but youth, once again, triumphed. Come to think of it OKC probably could have beaten them. And next year they will if given the chance. Sorry, Timmy D, Tony P Longoria and Uber Stud Manu; it's OVER. Bottom line: Richard Jefferson, the free agent bust of the year, wasn't expected to replace Bruce Bowen on the defensive end, but he WAS expected to provide offense. Problem was, he's a slasher not a jump shooter, and when the smoke cleared he did neither successfully. My heart goes out to fading warrior Antonio McDyess, who would have been a bigger contributor off the Piston scrap heap to Boston than Wallace has been. Wallace, has-been.

Which leaves us with one remaining playoff enigma: LeBron James. As great as he is he will have to steal Howard's Superman cape and Kobe's white-on-white photo shoot (?!) bravado to Go All The Way.

Again, it's a TEAM game. Jamison is solid, Varejao does the dirty work, Shaq a still vaguely formidable obstacle but Cleveland's near term future depends on the backcourt of West/Parker/Williams. WPW.

Good luck with that.

OMFG! The Lakers are 2-2 on their road trip! Call Out The Dogs!

As mentioned previously, I was out of the country for a week and when I returned the next day's LA Times sports page blared TEN THINGS WRONG WITH THE LAKERS or some such nonsense. And this on top of the fact I had noticed while on holiday that they seemed to be winning every game.

So I come home, see they've won six or seven in a row even sans Bynum (yeah, he's injury prone but who'd you rather have Laker fans, Greg Oden?) So I'm thinking, What's The Big Deal?

But then again who I am kidding? People in LA are just SOFT (the weather, duh) and if Kobe and Co. don't win every game by 20+, a black cloud envelops the purple-and-gold following, talk radio, the papers, etc.

It goes something like this:

They're not ready to defend their title.

They can't defend the pick and roll.

Ariza is better than Artest.

Odom is inconsistent.

Pau is soft.

Phil is too easy on them.

Kobe is a three-faced narcissist (er, that was actually a Rolling Stone line and I have no idea what it means. From my experience narcissists have one face).

Bynum is injury-prone and foul-prone.

Fish is finished.

They should have gone 82-0 because they're better than MJ's Bulls.

Odom is inconsistent.

And so on.

Now let me be perfectly clear here:

I live in LA.

I am not a Laker fan.

And this all amuses me in major fashion.

But let's take a step back, Laker Nation.

Fact: Kobe Bryant is one of the greatest players ever to play the game.

Fact: Phil Jackson is one of the greatest coaches in league history.

Fact: Ron Artest is a proven lockdown defender when the money is on the line, which it will be once the playoffs start.

Fact: Regardless of his age, Derek Fisher has hit more clutch postseason shots than any shooting guard in the league besides Ray Allen and, er, Bryant.

Fact: Pau Gasol showed last year in the WCF and Finals he is a complete and utter post-up stud.

Fact: Lamar Odom shows up when it matters AND he's married to a Kardashian. (Note: Bob Beamon allegedly had sex six times the night before he broke the Olympic long jump record; connect the dots).

Fact: Andrew Bynum is seven foot tall and still a kid who is developing in to a dominant force in the league. (Kudos to Mitch Kupchak and I have not forgotten LA talk radio's bashing of his draft pick of AB at the time -- idiots one and all).

Fact: They won it all last year and it's a loooooong season.

Fact: Brown, Farmar, Walton, Vujacic, MBenga and Powell are solid bench players with rings.

Fact: They haven't won in Portland's Rose Garden and they got blown out by an exuberant young team in OKC who would be lucky to win one game in a playoff series against LA.

Fact: LA owns San Antonio and while Denver may give them trouble any team whose best post-up players are Chauncey Billups and Melo are not going to beat LA in a seven-game series.

Fact: Boston has no chance of getting to the Finals.

That means one thing: Only King James and HIS supporting cast are a threat to the Kobe Throne.

And that's what we all want to see and that's what we all WILL see so relax, Laker fans. Phil and Kobe will turn it up to 11 once the playoffs start, and your incessant insecure whining will prove taillight embarrassing.

Cleveland IS great. Shaq, Jamison, Varejo, M Williams, Z and the rest WILL be formidable and may very well prevail, but the Vegas money will be on LA.

So relax, chill, turn your wrath to the McCourts (don't you just love Joe Torre's FU to them by naming Vicente Padilla as opening day starter?) and wait for The Real Games to start on Tax Day.

Great as they are this Laker team is NOT the Bulls, NOT the vintage Celtics, but they are damn good and KB is all about his legacy and that alone will take them to the finals where LeBron will be waiting.

Bring It On ...

The mistake most sports writers make is postulating that the game is purely based on physical superiority.

On an everyday/everyweek basis this is true. And this is what Vegas and gamblers everywhere bet. But sports, like life, is a complex business. The best team does not always win. We shall see what happens in Miami with the herd expecting Indy to win handily. In that case I happen to agree, Colts 34 Saints 14.

But as we saw Saturday in Portland sports is a mind game.

The Lakers went into the Rose Garden having lost nine straight there and coming off a home defeat to Chauncey Billups and the Nuggets, who shot around sixty percent from the field AND beyond the stripe, a rarity in league play. Nobody could have beaten Denver last night. The Nets, Knicks, Clippers or Pistons (has there ever been an NBA season with more bad teams?) by fifty.

So what happens the next night?

Kobe Bryant isn't even in the building and they blow out their longtime road nemesis Portland and decisively at that.

This is fascinating sports psychology because Gasol, Odom, Fish, Brown, Farmar, Walton, Bynum and most of all Artest rose up and played the game without their ace just like the Willis Reed-less Knicks overachieved decades ago in the pivotal game of the NBA Finals.

When Ron Ron hit a three just inside halfcourt at the end of the first half, you just knew the Lakers were gonna win. And win they did, convincingly at that, an upside the head beatdown just when they needed it most.

Despite their losing regular-season record against the top teams in the league, the Lakers showed why they are head and shoulders above everyone else playing the game.

Kobe's supporting cast have been subconsciously waiting for a chance to show the world what they're made of, and they did it in style against Portland.

Everyone stepped up and put pedal to metal, and for a change the boxscore will actually tell the real story.

LA simply dominated and this win will resonate with this team all the way to the end of the regular season. Scolding Papa Kobe wasn't even there but for certain he was watching somewhere rubbing his hands together with glee as this is Just What The Doctor Ordered, and Ted Nugent would heartily approve.

A team dependent on such a singular leader as Bryant needs a good dose of individual approbation every once in a while and tonight the Lakers threw down the gauntlet. Led by three guys -- Gasol, Bynum and Artest -- who would be The Man on most other teams but are subliminally undercut playing with one of the five greatest players ever to play the game in Bryant, the Lakers showed why they are not just the reigning champs but the team to beat come playoff time.

It does indeed take a village in the corporate nee sports world and LA showed how that matters. Playing without your top gun is a test of fortitude, talent and guts, and Phil Jackson knows it. I don't know if he forced KB to rest or not, but either way he gets credit and continues to solidify his position as the best manager of million dollar talent in sports.

Even without its stud Brandon Roy, Portland always finds a way to beat LA but this time it was overwhelmed by a group of athletes with powerful motivation -- showing their true boss KB that they can and will get it done without him.

Every sports squad around the globe can learn from this contest, learn that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts and that's why they call it a team game.

Laker Nation can now sit back and know their team is ready for anything, know they traded up for Ariza with Artest, know Gasol can be the main stem whenever he has to be.

A chilling prospect for the rest of the league, including the aging Celtics, the one-man Cavs and the creaky Spurs.

Phil Jackson never gets consideration for Coach of the Year honors, but it's a game like this that should remind voters why The Zen Master is in the same class as Red Auerbach, Vince Lombardi and Joe Torre.

Look out, NBA. The Lakers may be the incumbent champs, but they're still Hungry For That Good Thing, baby.

10:13pm: Feeling all atwitter as I count down the moments to The Laker Parade. Can't decide whether to actually GO or not after those hooligans tore up L.A. Live Sunday night. What are they, Piston fans?

12:02am: Instead of taking a sedative to calm my nerves, slipped a DVD of Clippers' Greatest Moments into the player ... put me right out. Oh wait, there ISN'T one. Must have had too much to dream last night.

6:22am: Up like a Sasha airball at the crack o' parade. Hope parking not a problem after weekend Convention Center Adult Film Festival.

8:36am: Summoned nerve to call in sick (sic) with excuse I missed the little Go To Work Exit, to quote Mojo Nixon. Pretty sure my boss bought it.

9:55am: Arrived downtown (LA's The Place!). Parked at the corner of Third and Vermouth. Eighty bucks.

10:02am: Tell-tale heart beating, riddled with guilt from skipping work, breakfasted at The Pantry. Once heard all the waiters there are ex-cons ... hard to argue.

10:59am: Waiting for check. I wonder if Sun Yue ever ate here. Didn't he write The Art of War?

11:18am: Wow, this is great! Huge crowds spilling into the street, cop cars everywhere, a certain tension in the air ... you'd think O.J. had just been acquitted! Aside: why weren't there riots when Phil Spector got convicted? Mr. Wall of Sound! Mr. End of The Century! The Man who ruined Let It Be! Note to self; ponder at twilight.

11:19am: Wonder if Sasha will be wearing his headband. Read somewhere his galpal will be starring in new edition of "Melrose Place" (Tuesdays at 9, premiering September 8 on "The CW" (wonder what that stands for?)). Maybe Sasha will make a guest shot -- get it?

12:00pm: High Noon. I feel the ghost of Gary Cooper looming up like a Dennis Dunaway bassline (he was in the group, Alice Cooper -- get it?) as I stand 18 deep outside Staples. Feels like a May Day rally without the INS!

12:30pm: The crowd is poised. I feel the earth move. Jeannie Buss is In Da House! The parade is starting!!!!

12:31pm: False alarm. Just a vintage LAPD crack house bulldozer signalling the start of the festivities.

12:35pm: Purple and gold everywhere! Street hawker just offered me vintage Mel Counts jersey marked down to $5.95. Declined.

12:43pm: Here they come! Your Los Angeles Lakers! Tall white guy on first float. OMFG it is Pau Gasol! Love him but must stifle sudden urge to storm float and give him gift certificate to SuperCuts for crewcut and beard shave. He just puts the Kempt in Unkempt! And that irks me!

12:46pm: Pau just took an elbow to the gut and is prostrate on the float! And no, it wasn't Artest or Gortat -- it was Vanessa B! Love it!

12:47pm: THERE HE IS! The Greatest Man Ever To Walk The Earth, tied with Mick Jagger and that guy who cured polio: KOBE!!!!!!! He's wearing a Laker jersey with, get this, number 25! One for the road, baby! Take that, MJ, you girlyman!!!

12:49pm: Considerable delay after Kobe float. In fact, two beige minivans and a Japanese tour bus just came down the street! David Stern leaves no stone unturned! Genius!

12:52pm: Ah, here comes the next float. There's Phil, in flip-flops! Take that, Red Auerbach! Bet you never even went to The Beach! There's Rambis! Cleamons! Shaw! Where ARE The Laker Girls and that guy who used to play the trombone at The Fab Forum?

12:54pm: Look, it's Lamar! And he's eating Jujubees, just like the paper said! He must have a case of The Munchies! Get it?

12:56pm: LUUUUUKKKEE! What is it about a vowel following a consonant that makes American sports fans elongate the vowel in arenas nationwide? I didn't hear that the other day when those Italian Stallions Rossi and DeRossi (law firm?) spanked the US soccer team in the FIFA Faceoff!

12:59pm: Uh-oh. Some little kid with braces just spit on my Birkenstocks! Must be a Magic fan.

1:02pm: Here comes the Farmar float. Clearly things are winding down. But wait ... Shannon Brown just took down the proud Bruin with a rolling body block! Get me Chief Bratton!!!

1:05pm: It's all over but the shouting. Never understood that cliche until today. Everyone is shouting. Pourquoi, you might ask? Unsure, but here comes Donald Sterling on a unicycle ... Sounds like he's saying "Wait for me!"

Congrats to the Los Angeles Lakers, Phil Jackson, Kobe Bryant, Derek Fisher, Pau Gasol, Trevor Ariza ... need I go on?

No.

So many, many sports teams have come back from humiliating finale defeats to rebound (sic) to victory the following year.

And being a Laker-hater, I couldn't even watch Game 5. I knew they would win. Kobe Bryant finally put his foot on the neck of an opponent and crushed them to defeat when it mattered. God, yes, Obama et al. predicted a series in six Victoire for the Staples boys but they collectively said No Mas and burned it down like a Cramps encore of Fever on the road to success.

Let us give credit where it is due. Kobe Bryant, the man who cannot lose. Trust the art, not the artist as we learned from Woody Allen, Norman Mailer, Mike Tyson, etc. Kobe does it all on the hardwood and has solidified his place in hoop history as one of the greatest of all time.

Gasol permanently shed his inaccurate "soft" label with a demonstrative performance throughout the entire post-season, the quintessential big man posting up anybody in his way.

Trevor Ariza, joining the ranks of great Laker midseason pickups along with Bob McAdoo and Mychal Thompson, was in my small mind the difference in the series. Defensive warrior, rebounding animal, three-point stud ... Mitch Kupchak will take him over Lamar Odom in a heartbeat to return next season and it's the right call.

And speaking of Lamar, I am reminded of Rick Mahorn fouling out as Chuck Daly gave him a long leash in spring 1989 as Detroit swept a decimated Laker team for the first of back-to-back Bad Boy titles. Mahorn walked off the court to be cut 24 hours later (as Daly surely knew) and Odom faces the same fate.

Lamar may finish his career in Sacramento or some other ignominious final destination, but he can always Stand Proud, having played an integral role in this team's success.

And what can you say about Derek Fisher. The Sam Jones of the modern era. Written off in the WCF as done, he rose up when it mattered and I have frankly lost count of how many rings he has. Either way, D-Fish is Da Man.

Not to be didactic, but I can only think of one way to wrap this blog, my meager symbolic tribute to the Lakers after 82 plus 16 = 98 ...

Let the music do the talkingLet the music do the talkingLet the music do the talkingLet the music do the talking.

Superman has arisen in The East and his name is LeBron, er, Dwight Howard.

While Delonte West and M Williams filled it up during garbage time, D Howard and his gang of merry pranksters -- Alston, Lewis, Lee and Turkoglu -- grinned their way through the east to The Finals.

Next up Kobe Bryant, he of the savage look (Housekeeper, anyone?) and his partners in crime Gasol, Odom, Ariza and Fisher. Obviously the Lakers will be heavy favorites. They have Kobe, went to the big dance a year ago, suffered humiliation at the hands of Boston in Game 6 ... but still ... Orlando is not to be overlooked.

The Magic play what is known as Team Basketball, a concept the Lakers did not embrace until Game 6 in Denver, when they trounced the Nuggets in a game over by halftime. The offseason begins with Denver and Cleveland vying for Ben Gordon and Antonio McDyess, a tandem who could put either club over the top.

But back to basics.

LA will be favored in five or six, and I wouldn't bet against them.

Let's look at the match-ups:

Howard v. Gasol. Winner: Howard. Still, Gasol is a stud and he will inevitably cause foul troubles for Superman. The question is how much.

Lewis v. Bynum. Winner: Lewis. Bynum will be lost on the perimeter if Rashard makes his jumpers.

Odom v. Hedo. Winner: Odom. This is his time, and he can smell the ring.

Bryant v. Alston. Winner: Kobe, obviously. But Rafer is a streetball ace and he will get his, especially against Farmar/Brown.

Lee v. Fisher. Winner: Lee. However, never underestimate the heart of a champion. Fisher may very well start knocking down shots, walk away with another ring and retire.

Bench: Advantage Magic.

Zenmaster v. Van Gundy: Action Jackson takes it to the rack. Despite Laker Nation Angst, Phil has masterfully guided his team to a playoff peak, with another Figueroa Street parade a mere four wins away. Van Gundy remains a professional irritant, but a Finals win guarantees him a rep as a player's coach whose tiff with Dwight H may lead to a title.

Bring It On ...

Finally --- although it could have gone on forever as far as I'm concerned --- the first round of the 2009 NBA Playoffs is in the books. Like March Madness' first four days, Round One on the senior circuit is as good as it gets.

That said, and in honor of Spinal Tap's Unplugged & Unwigged Tour, here are the Top 11 Reasons To Love The First Round ...

11) Ray "The Replicant" Allen. It's clear this man is physiologically incapable of sweating. Congressional hearings should convene immediately. Seriously ... whether draining 51 in Game Six or fouling out in Game Four, the man DOES NOT VISIBLY PERSPIRE. Talk about ice water in the veins. Saying He's Got Game is one of the great understatements in cinematic history.

10) Chauncey Billups. A man on a mission, sending a nightly Candygram to Joe Dumars while guiding Denver to a withering beatdown of Chris Paul's overmatched Hornets, Billups remains Mr. Big Shot. His coup de grace was leading his team to a 58-point spread over New Orleans in Game Four. Yes, in case you missed it, 58 points, more than Billups' alma mater Detroit could manage through three quarters nearly every night during their humiliating trouncing at the hands of the Cavaliers, which was over so long ago Allen Iverson's back healed in the meantime.

9) Ron Artest, who, despite helping the Rockets out of the first round, made a colossal ass of himself during a TNT segment that should be put in a time capsule, dissing everyone from Kobe Bryant to Charles Barkley. Still, if he is somehow able to neutralize Kobe and make Round Two competitive, he will redeem himself and not look like a guy who's one CNN update from being the next Michael Vick.

8) Dallas Mavericks. Out of nowhere, Dirk Nowitzki and Josh Howard fly under the radar and maul the Spurs, the preeminent unappreciated sports franchise of the last decade. Winning two on the road and closing in five, Dallas is ready to give Denver, and possibly LA, everything they can handle. Watch out.

7) Joey Crawford. Rebounding from his infamous flipout at Tim Duncan years ago, Crawford, the 21st Century version of Mendy Rudolph, was lead dog in easily the most intense game of the playoffs thus far, Game Six in Chicago v. Boston. Stifling the early incendiary incident between Rajon Rondo and Kirk Hinrich, coming on the heels of Rondo's facial to Brad Miller at the end of Game Five, the bulletheaded Crawford proved again why he is The Man in the striped shirt.

6) Pau Gasol. This guy is just getting warmed up, still smarting from the heat of the LA media for his "soft" performance last year against The Celtics. Put aside the fact Andrew Bynum was in civvies while Pau had to handle KG, Perkins and Davis in the paint with Lamar Odom's head in the sand. Gasol is, like Kobe and Lamar, on a mission this year. Don't bet against them.

5) Monkey Off The Back in Houston and Atlanta. Congrats to Yao and Joe Johnson for leading their franchises out of the first round for the first time in a long time. While they remain the two lowest-seeded teams left in the playoffs, Yao and Johnson are both outstanding players at the heart of a team concept in both locker rooms. Kobe and LeBron are on deck for their respective teams, but don't think Houston nor Atlanta are just happy to be there; they will compete.

4) Orlando Magic. Despite their first-round win over Philly in six, the issue remains, as one Sixer said, that they appear better WITHOUT Superman. That's because Howard remains a defensive menace, rebounding monster yet an offensive liability, who stops the flow when the ball goes into him on the block. Lewis, Turkoglu and Alston all look liberated without him, and Howard's twofer in Game Five where he elbowed Samuel Dalembert and took out his own man Courtney Lee in just minutes left observers wondering how high Clark Kent can really fly when it matters.

3) Eddie House. He's come a long way from Mike D'Antoni's doghouse in Phoenix. His Game Seven performance was Big Time, going five for five from downtown, igniting the Celtic Faithful and atoning for Rajon Rondo's sins at the foul line.

2) Chicago Bulls. Derrick Rose singlehandedly made a mockery of David Stern's hapless one-and-done rule, turning in a better rookie year than Michael Jordan. Noah, Salmons, Hinrich et.al. were simply inspiring, in one of the most intense series in league history, while Ben Gordon took it to another level. Here's hoping he stays in Chicago (after the incredibly dumb move of turning down their filthy lucre a year ago) just to keep this key franchise coming.

And last but not least ...
1) LeBron James. As the LA Times' sage NBA columnist Mark Heisler wrote of the Cavs-Pistons series midway through, "Is this really necessary?" No, it wasn't, except to serve notice to the rest of the league that this very much looks like LBJ's year, and a great shot at The Mistake By The Lake's first title in contemporary sports history. He's the MVP but that's chickenfeed to him. The main course lies ahead when Cleveland and the Lakers collide in the Finals.

Bring on Round Two.