The Sound of the Suburbs

Notes On A Scorecard ...

Phillies acquire Roy Oswalt. Please pass GO and see you in the World Series. Watch out, American League. And will the final difference be Charlie Manuel managing to win the All-Star Game, and Joe Girardi leaving the best hitter alive in A-Rod on the bench in the bottom of the ninth in Anaheim?

Eddie House to the Heat. Slowly Pat Riley puts the pieces together in his Seventh Seal chess match v. Mitch Kupchak.

Georgia Frontiere, Bruce McNall, Frank and Jamie McCourt ... What is it about LA sports owners? Just makes you appreciate Jerry Buss all the more.

Long work week, hellish commute home, is there a better record to put on than The Sex Pistols Never Mind The Bollocks? Er, no. "Problem? The problem is YOU!"

Memo to bitter Cavs fans: We live in a capitalistic society. LBJ hung in there forever and the only help he got was over-da-hill Shaq, can't-deliver-in-the-post M. Williams and Antawn Jamison. The Heat are the new Great Society.

Bob Sheppard, The Boss and The Major. Death does come in threes, even for The Pinstripes.

Amazing how the Bosox still trail Tampa by only six in the loss column despite their plethora of injuries. Still, I like the Rays to edge them out for the wild card.

Back to the McCourts (what an appropriate name given their court battle): ESPN cover story essential reading. Somewhere Gay Talese is smiling. And I have the feeling Hunter S. Thompson is lighting up somewhere in the vicinity with Jim Healy.

"Sometimes I want to smack your face." Greatest debut elpee track one lyric in history. Rattus Norvegicus IV, The Stranglers. Check it out.

Ravens CB Domonique Foxworth tears ACL. I've had that injury and it hurts. So much for my dark horse Super Bowl pick with their decimated secondary. Go, Chargers!

World Cup Update: Anybody scored yet?

My fave WC moment by far: ABC's pan shot of Mick Jagger and Bill Clinton sitting next to one another during semis. Bill: "So Mick, can you explain your inspiration for 'Brown Sugar?'" Mick: "Aww, Mr. President, don't you remember 'Some Girls'?"

Rest in peace, John Wooden. The greatest American coach and teacher in history.

P.S. Whatever happened to Swen Nater?

Who will outlast the other, Manny Ramirez or David Ortiz? I'll take Big Papi.

I loathe going to live sports events anymore but there is nothing more exciting than a hockey game. Sat next to the Kings bench (don't hate me) v. Rangers midseason and I haven't seen such passion since the Van Halen reunion tour. Although they did NOT play "Top Jimmy." Dan Snierson and I swallowed that bitter pill.

Look up Red Hot in the dictionary and you'll see a picture of Maggie Q, star of The CW's new kick-ass series, "Nikita.". Take it to the bank.

Good to hear Andrew Bynum's annual knee surgery was successful. Can you say Sam Bowie?

Do yourself a favor and immediately buy "In The Flesh" by Johnny Thunders live at the Roxy and cue up "I Can Tell." You won't regret it.

Bring on Football ...

Here are the Top Ten Reasons Why Cavs-Celts Game 5 Was The Most Interesting Game Of NBA Playoffs To Date:

10) Glenn "Doc" Rivers is outcoaching Mike Brown into unemployment. Forget about what's happening between the lines. Let's look at the SIDELINES. Doc has Nate Robinson, Marquis Daniels and Rasheed Wallace doing the ML Carr thing by rooting teammates while Cleveland's bench do a fine impression of Rodin's The Thinker (i.e. a statue for you artistically challenged folk).

9) Shaq: DONE. Please retire. We all know you're a good guy, a big kid with multiple rings but age conquers all: You're finished. Diesel is permanently overpriced.

8) Kendrick Perkins and Glen Davis are two of of the most underrated players in the league. Always giving 100 percent, always hitting the boards and the floor for loose balls; these are the kind of players coaches love.

7) KG Lives. Despite injuries Garnett has segued to a finesse game when his cumulative physical injuries have restricted him. Now if he'd just shut up and cease the trash talking, because the more of that he does v. Dwight Howard in the ECF the more he will suffer and increase Orlando's chances of returning to the Finals.

6) Sheed: Still A Stiff.

5) Speaking of stiffs, Senor M. Williams is a playoff bust. He stunk it up last year and has kept that streak alive by failing to show up in May for the second year running. If and when LBJ jumps ship, this loser takes the fall.

4) Did I mention Shaq is done? A shadow of his former great self? A guy who needs to retire immediately? Do the words Willie Mays sound a chord?

3) Rajon Rondo has the best headband in the NBA. He wears it so well. He does whatever it takes to win. His trey toward the end of the third quarter iced the game. But what captivates me about this cat is his fluidity for the game, his ease at making it happen, reminiscent of Earvin Johnson. Not that they're on the same plane but this guy redefines Natural.

2). Tattoos. Cleveland has too many. That means the Cavs will lose.

1) Paul Pierce and Ray Fricking Allen. Man, we are talking about two of the top ten players in the league. Man Ray with his ultra-quick release (how 'bout that three toward the end of the first half with Anthony Parker's hand in his face?!) and Pierce, who has struggled but will have NBA Finals MVP carved on his tombstone.

1A) Sorry to end on a negative note but LBJ exits The Mistake by The Lake; Mike Brown is fired; Cleveland implodes and misses the playoffs next year unless ... unless ... Cleveland woos Chris Bosh and Larry Next Town Brown to its fine city. Oh jeez, I am officially talking outta my ass ... over and out.

At last, the NBA Playoffs!

But first, as a pathetic Piston fan, let me scrutinize free agent Twit Charlie V's quote after Detroit beat Minnesota to further lessen its chances to draft John Wall, aka The Next Isiah Thomas.

"This is Detroit basketball. This is an organization that's used to going to the playoffs and going to the Finals,'' Villanueva said. "I know it's going to get back to what Detroit basketball needs to be.''

Oh boy, Charlie! You beat The mighty T-Wolves! Enjoy your off-season. Nice to see you and Ben Gordon show up in the final two games of the season. The two of you and any three other Pistons couldn't beat Chauncey Billups, Allen Iverson, Mehmet Okur, Darko Milicic and the pathetic Rasheed Wallace.

Twit off, CV. Expect the Pistons back in the Finals by 2020 if they're lucky.

So here we go into prediction land where my success rate dwarfs CV's three-point percentage, as admittedly excrescent as that is:

The East:
Cavs Over Bulls in 5
Magic Over Bobcats in 4
Hawks Over Bucks in 6
Boston Over Miami in 7

Cavs Over Celts in 5
Magic Over Hawks in 6

Cavs Over Magic in 7

The West:
Lakers Over OKC in 5
Spurs Over Mavs in 7
Suns Over Portland in 5
Nuggets Over Jazz in 7

Lakers Over Denver in 7
Spurs Over Suns in 6


Lakers Over Spurs in 7

The Finals
Cavs Over Lakers in 6

King James and Shaq reign supreme.

LeBron stays in The Mistake By The Lake.

Panic in Lakerland.

Phil retires.

Artest and Sasha go away.

David Lee becomes a Laker.

Wall is nothing but Net and begins their resurgence, which will see a title within five years while The Dolans watch with envy.

The Pistons draw the worst position in the lottery and draft another loser. (Austin Daye anyone?)

Charlie V Tweets endless inanities about his off-season activities

The Universe is in Order

Over and Out ...

Well it's still February and a long way till the playoffs, but Celtics' fans are in a state of shock.

Even sans Paul Pierce, Thursday night was a beatdown of significant proportion by the Cavaliers. Mike Brown wishes the playoffs started now because it would be down to Cleveland v. Orlando unless Atlanta makes it interesting.

Boston is in major trouble. Not even the news that Steven Tyler has predictably rejoined Aerosmith is enough to make Beantown smile.

Cleveland just looks scary. This game was magnified by one simple play in the first half when LeBron took KG one on one from the left wing, flashed step-back footwork and drained a 22-footer. This man cannot be stopped by anyone in the league, including Ron Artest, who will draw the short straw willingly in June.

And thanks to the awful NBA non-rule, Z will soon rejoin Cleveland to spell Shaq down the stretch, and O'Neal looks reborn since the All-Star break. Antawn Jamison will take time to fit in, JJ Hickson must still get his minutes and will, and despite the fact his weird curly helmet continues to annoy me Anderson Varejao is Rodman Jr. for this team, and that's not even talking about the capable backcourt of Williams, Parker and West, with Gibson in reserve.

They're on a mission to Staples, and David Stern and Co. must be licking their chops at an all-time ratings series final a la the Super Bowl. It won't be 106M but it will be good enough no matter who prevails cuz it'll surely go six or seven.

Cleveland was superb a week ago, and the acquisition of Jamison just makes them better. The Cavs will win the East handily unless LBJ goes down.

Meanwhile in the West the Lakers remain the team to beat. Despite losing to Dallas on the back to back, they came close to a sweep and beating them four times will prove impossible for anyone in the West, and difficult for the Cavs as well.

San Antonio is dead meat unless it discovers the fountain of youth by May, and it sure ain't Richard Jefferson. OK City will spring a first-round upset if not more, Portland is trouble but it will all be fodder when LA asserts itself and wallops whomever is in its way.

When the smoke clears, it will be a headline battle of massive proportion: Kobe v. LeBron, no puppets involved. Both supporting casts are equally matched, and in a way the X factor could prove to be Shaq, who, if he can one-up Bynum, could make the difference. But then again, who guards Gasol?

The pendulum has swung west for the majority, as we will all join in the hue and cry when at least three better than .500 West teams don't make the post while a bunch of East losers (Heat, etc.) get in under the wire. We have reached the tipping point where the teams with the 16 best records should make it in because a team like Utah could give Atlanta or even Boston all they could handle in round one.

As a pathetic Detroit fan rooting for them to win the lottery by losing every game the rest of the way (good job, Rip, missing three free throws in a row at crunch time the other night v. the Paper Clips, showing why Orlando did not deal Gortat for you at trade deadline) I continue to shake my head at Joe Dumars' failure to draft DeJuan Blair, who would have had better stats than the combined frontline of Wallace, Prince and Jerebko if only Detroit didn't have brain-dead scouts and GM.

Austin Daye? Yeah, that was a great pick, Joe. Tom Wilson's exit and Mrs. Davidson's move to sell the team is a year late but still a good move. And watching the great GREAT Chauncey Billups night in and night out (wasn't he magnificent in Cleveland last week?) makes me ask again and again why Dumars thought dealing him for Allen (Who?) Iverson was a good idea.

Oh boy you got Ben Gordon and Charlie Villanueva with the money! Genius -- not. CV is a twit, Gordon is a perennial no-D bench player and Vinnie Johnson is shaking his head somewhere.

But who cares about the Pistons beside me>

Cleveland has the right mindset: California Here We Come. Look out.

LeBron James is one talented cat. He could easily be an NFL safety, an MLB center fielder or, for that matter, a star in any sport he picked. Instead he has chosen basketball as his vocation and we are eminently entertained by his skills.

However, he has gone off the deep end this year.

First off, there was his proclamation that MJ's No. 23 should be retired leaguewide. I am not sure what prompted this assertion, but it's one of the dumbest athlete statements in recent memory, and that's a big canvas.

Of course, Michael Jordan was an extraordinary baller, but where did LBJ come up with this notion? Was it a signal he is bound for Chicago in a year? Was it a show of consummate respect for his idol? Or was it a sign that he is losing it?

I'll take the latter.

Should we retire across the board Russell's No. 6? Jerry West's No. 44? Uh, no. Such a dumb idea it doesn't warrant further commentary.

James' Cavaliers have not looked good thus far. Both Boston and Orlando have looked far more impressive this season, and let's not even talk about the Lakers, who are in a league of their own. James craves a title, craves respect, craves mention in the same sentence as the true greats of the game: Russell, Magic, Duncan, Wilt. And with his contract leverage he must believe he can get away with anything.

But he can't.

His 23 statement somehow dwarfs the egoism of Kobe switching from numbers 8 to 24 as a statement he will surpass Jordan's titular prowess. And it's asinine.

And then there's the dancing.

Yes, I know sports is entertainment.

Yes, I know he is merely expressing himself.

But his Bob Fosse routine must stop.

I love the fact Kevin McHale said today that, in his era, the big guy with the fewest fouls would be inserted into the game to deck a clown like James after his routine to send the inevitable -- and appropriate -- message that You Can't Do That.

The NBA, like the USA, has become a politcally correct venue where physicality is not only frowned upon, but outlawed.

Gone are the days of Jungle Jim Loscutoff, Rick Mahorn and Maurice Lucas. I think the turning point was LBJ's running amok in the fourth quarter against the Pistons a few years ago in the ECF, when Flip Saunders refused to have one of his big men send the proverbial message to James that You Don't Own The Lane at The Palace.

Not that I'm advocating violence here. But basketball, like all manly men enterprises, is a contact sport. And on the professional level big money is at stake.

Showboating happens, but in-your-face dance-offs like James must be met with response; otherwise respect falls by the wayside. And LeBron, with his ability, fat equity and unfettered ego, is having his way.

McHale, of course, is the guy who horsecollared Kurt Rambis at the Fabulous Forum in the '80s during the Boston-LA Wars. So he is putting his mouth where his money once was, and he probably will be fined heavily for his statement.

But he's right. Respect is the bottom line in sports. I play in a weekly game where if you drive the lane you better be ready to get hit, because basketball is no game for the faint of heart or muscle. You play without pads and that's it.

Remember Pete Rose barreling into Ray Fosse during an ALL-STAR (!) Game? Of course you do. Pete Rose played a game, baseball in his case, like a warrior (Hall of Fame, hello???!!!). And that is the way to play.

James' dance is just like Prince Fielder and the Brewers' bowling pin routine this year: Disrespectful. You hit a game-winning dinger, fine. You wanna celebrate, fine. You're entertainers, fine. But there is a line and it's about manhood.

As much of a fun-loving big kid as he is, I bet Shaquille O'Neal wouldn't be too fond of LBJ's dance steps if he was on the other team. In fact, I bet he'd be the first volunteer to take him down without coach prodding. We may know in March if Cleveland dumps Shaq as it continues to chase superior Eastern clubs.

Memo to Senor James: Cut the crap. Make your team a winner. Be a man. Remember it's a team game and, while the goal is to kick ass, mutual respect is what keeps the game afloat.

The Ten Most Intriguing Athletes At This Moment:

Usain Bolt:
Speed kills and this cat is off the charts. Rest in peace, Bob Hayes. And could he (UB) have a better name?

Mark Sanchez:
Well, he looked like a rookie against the Ravens' D other night, but who can't root for a guy who gets up and does it again after looking like a plush toy against the best NFL defense, albeit in an exhibition game? NYC is the toughest place to play in America but something tells me Senor Sanchez will rule the town within three years. But it won't be easy.

Steve Smith:
Plax copped a plea and who doesn't feel sorry for this victim of a political play by Bloomberg? For Smith, he not only bears the burden of being Eli's go-to guy, he's been called out as Burress' alibi. Smith had been held up at gunpoint three days before Plax went to the club. Plax was packing that night because he and Antonio Pierce were going to pick up Ahmad Bradshaw , who lived in the same complex as Smith. Here's saying Smith has a monster year and leads the Jints deep into the post.

Shaquille O'Neal:
Yet to suit up as a Cav and already rumored to be on the trading block? Don't believe a word. He will be there for Cleveland-Celts ECF faceoff in May.

Andy Roddick:
Off a tremendous showing at Wimbledon expect nothing less than a title at the U.S. Open in September.

Derek Jeter:
In the midst of an MVP year, the best shortstop in MLB history gets his last shot at another ring. Only Cliff Lee and Cole Hamels stand in his way. I'll take Jeter, standing up at second.

Manny Ramirez:
Love him or hate him, he controls the Dodgers' destiny. Four up on Colorado and in the playoffs either way, Manny has successfully captured LA's imagination while Kobe rests. As great as he is, it won't be enough minus Big Papi in October to get LA past St Loo or Philly.

David Beckham:
This guy's gotten a bum rap from idiotic LA fans who stupidly blame him for not taking pro soccer mainstream. Pele couldn't do it and neither can he. But he's still a fierce competitor and a fantastic athlete whose grace and style will long be remembered after the Galaxy fade into another dimension.

Brett Favre:
I have no allegiance to Minnesota, Green Bay or the Jets, but who's to blame a guy for wanting to work? Let's face it, football fans, who won't tune in to see the Vikes invade Lambeau Field? Drama is the bottom line in sports, not to mention life.

Michael Young:
Who doesn't respect and root for this guy? The quintessential baseball player, he is trying to lead the Texas Rangers to a wildcard slot, eliminating the beloved Bosox if his team can pull it off, and if he does, watch out. This guy has been a stud in every All-Star game he's played in and he is the rarest of athletic birds: young, fast, scientific.

DFFD

Look it up ...

Well, last night I burned it down to Redondo Beach, coughed up the most well spent fifteen bucks in ages and settled in to a long night with The Mermen.

Who, you say? The Mermen, living proof that Gods Walk The Earth. They are three guys from San Francisco -- Allen Whitman, Martyn Jones and The Big Kahuna himself, Jim Thomas. Jim is the guitar man, Allen bass, Patrick backbeat/percussion. They are righteous hippies in the best sense of the word, powering out instrumental surf meets Electric Ladyland meets rock and roll that blows you away.

Jim Thomas doesn't simply PLAY the guitar. He tames the wild Strat beast, coaxing ethereal edge sounds out of his axes, taking you on a trip of sonic beauty the likes of which we haven't heard since Jimi.

Whether it's long, dreamy soundscapes anchored by Allen and Martyn's killer rhythm or shorter slash and burn surf rockers that leave the hair on the back of your neck standing up, The Mermen pulverize like a Mariano Rivera cut fastball. Go download Honeybomb immediately.

They are not famous. They never will be. But they personify American Art in the musical motif with a sound that bespeaks California Dreamin' more than Tom Petty, Beck and The Red Hot Chili Peppers combined. And during the many times I have bellied up to the bar with them, I have never discussed professional basketball, but I guarantee you they ain't Laker fans.

The Franklin Mieuli of the music world, they dance to their own drummer, rock to their own groove and simply don't give a shit. And Jim Thomas is a seminal artist in this or any other century, a musical genius whose work will outlive us all and crash onto the beach like the eternal wave until time stands still. He is The Real Deal.

Which is why I worship the ground they walk on, and then some.

That brings us to the NBA off-season, thus far the sports page equivalent of the Bulls-Celtics EC semifinal series. In other words, damn entertaining.

First of all, Sheed a Celtic. Now I have always hated the Celtics, but after seeing their playoff grit and the inevitable Laker title, I may turn green next spring. Still, seeing this guy get a fat payday after (as usual) coasting through a regular season in Detroit, distinguishing himself mainly by going to a Minnesota card club with Allen Iverson and making his way onto Page Six as a result, then completely QUITTING during the Cavs' broom of Detroit in round one ... yeah, Rasheed, you so deserve a sweet deal and a chance at another ring.

Well, at least we'll be spared Sheed's nauseating pre-game Ring Around The Rosie dance he continued to lead even as The Pistons barfed their way to extinction in May. Yeah, I can just see the Fleet faithful embracing that travesty, let alone Doc Rivers and Messrs Allen, Garnett and Pierce. Not.

Here's hoping Detroit signs Glen Davis, who I'd take straight up in a deal for Wallace since he a) plays hard all the time, b) has made a clutch shot in his career (Orlando, Game 4) and c) doesn't do a stupid dance (see above).

Like Karl Malone, Rasheed Wallace never made a big shot in his pro career. Remember the Laker-Portland Game 7 when LA came back big to beat Sheed and Scottie Migraine Pippen, another guy who never made a big shot? Where was Sheed? Choking. Where was Sheed in Game 5 v. San Antonio in 2005 when Detroit could have taken control of the series? Oh, yeah, doubling down on Manu and leaving Big Shot Bob Horry wide open to drain a three that led to another Spurs' title.

To give him his due, Wallace prefers to be a cog in the machine, a good teammate, etc. But when it's crunchtime he disappears like Claude Rains on a sunny day.

He'll fit right in with Boston because he'll be the sixth option after KG, Pierce, Ray, Rondo and even Eddie House who has no fear and walks the walk.

Here's hoping Joe Dumars picks up Big Baby, because as much as he's done to rebuild the Pistons with Gordon and Charlie V to complement Prince and Stuckey, who the f is going to rebound the basketball in Detroit?

Not Antonio McDyess, who wisely moved to San Antonio where he will thrive, along with Richard Jefferson. The Spurs will give LA all they can handle in the WCF next year, and could go all the way if Ginobili is healthy.

Dallas gets Shawn Marion. Whatever. The Mavs will come up short. If Jason Kidd had an offer from Mitch Kupchak, it just proves his ex wasn't the crazy one. As my good friend Mike O'Hara always says, it's always about the money with these cats.

Which brings us to AI. One word for The Answer: Globetrotters. They'll let you control the ball, which is all YOU care about.

Cleveland: Good luck. Shaq is still a force, but I think the problem is in the backcourt. Get Andre Miller and you have a chance. Sorry, Mo W. You had your chance.

Miami: Adios Flash. I predict he lands at MSG, since there's no way they get LBJ.

Portland: Your time is coming but not next year.

And lastly, Kobe Inc. Jerry Buss will rue the day he guaranteed Ron Artest five years. Whenever the wheels fall off the bus at Staples -- and that's one Bryant leg injury away -- dogpound Ron will implode and take the city with him.

And as an Angeleno, I can't f-ing wait.

To quote the great Martyn Jones at the end of Haunted House: "Honeybomb, Honeybomb ..."