10 Feet High

The hottest clubs, adoring fans, insurmountable sums of cash – these are perks of being in the NBA. On the road or at home, during the season and in the off-season, the league’s top ballers take full advantage of their stardom. It got me thinking: Of the best players in the league, who would be the most fun to party with, and better yet, who would be the worst? If you could go clubbing for one night with one NBA star …

BEST:

Shaq – “The Diesel” is known for his hilarious pranks (think Kobe Bryant rap) and ridiculous sense of humor (challenging David Beckham to try and score a goal on him). The former star of Blue Chips, which features the charismatic Nick Nolte, is one of the most entertaining athletes of all time. Seriously, if you haven’t seen this film, Shaq got robbed of an Academy Award. “Hey coach, look what I can do.”

He does not have the bounce he used to, but “The Big Aristotle” still has the fame. In fact, I think his fame has actually grown as his game has deteriorated. For one, his size alone makes him a can’t-miss, and you know you’ll be getting unlimited Goose all night. But as is always the case with the “Diesel,” his personality is what makes him so special. He loves the spotlight – check YouTube for his All-Star dance sessions as evidence - and is known for his out of the box creativity.

I could just imagine O’Neal wearing one of his custom made “Shaq shoes,” screening “Kazaam” on the club’s baby plasma televisions and displaying his very own law enforcement police badge. Who knows what oddly colored suit he’d wear and what type of crowd he associates with. Simply put, “Shaq-Fu” demands attention wherever he goes. A night out with him would be unforgettable.

Gilbert Arenas – Gilbert has grown from second-round pick to bonafide NBA superstar, but his game extends far beyond the hardwood. Gilbert is an avid bowler and gamer – known as Agent Arenas online - which worries me a bit, but his gregarious personality makes him a can’t-miss clubbing prospect. Now when I say "gamer," I mean he loves video games, which is fun if you want to be 12 years old again, but not if you’re looking for a dream night with an NBA superstar.

He is a bit odd certainly. He once infamously took a shower in full uniform during halftime of a game while he was with Warriors and has been known to play online poker during intermission as well but a night with “Hibachi” would be absolutely absurd.

I can see it now: following the game, Arenas takes you out to the local bowling alley for a warm-up. He buys a few drinks, and then heads to the White House to play Halo with President Obama. But seriously, Gilbert’s driver takes us on a nightly stroll in the Lambo to D.C.’s best club. We get the most expensive alcohol at the most expensive table. Money is simply not an issue with Gilbert. Not convinced yet? For his 25th birthday, he threw a million dollar party and called it “Arenas Express.”

Back to your hypothetical night: When the waitress brings the food, Gilbert yells, “Hibacccchhhiii.” Gilbert, wearing a jersey of himself, which is autographed by himself, proceeds to get up on top of the table and starts to sing the Village People’s, “YMCA.” Then he stops, takes off his shoes and emulates his shooting stroke.

I don’t know if he’d help you get girls, but I promise you going out with Gilbert would be an unforgettable evening.

WORST:

Kobe – Since Kobe is one of the most popular guys in the league, I imagine he’d be on the top of many lists. But in reality, a night out with the “Black Mamba” would probably be painfully slow. Ever since the infamous Colorado case, Bryant has been very reserved and is seldom seen going out to parties. Plus, arguably the hardest working player in the association (he even lifts on game day), he doesn’t even drink, I suspect.

Even so, Bryant doesn’t strike me as the type of guy that would make an effort to incorporate you into his world. He may have you rebounding all night while he shoots threes and free throws. That may be your thing, but I advise you to be careful with what you wish for with in this case.

Dwight Howard - Known for his vivacious laughs and creative sense of humor, Howard would have you laughing hysterically all night. Nearly 7-feet tall and one of the game’s bright young stars, “Superman” naturally attracts insane amounts of attention. Okay, so that’s the good part, but here’s the bad. Howard – like Arenas - is a “gamer.” Secondly, I’ve read that his dad is an active Georgia State Patrol Officer. This kid grew up in solid Christian, southern roots. He doesn’t seem to be a high volume consumer of alcohol – good for the Magic, but not for you. All in all, Howard seems like a better candidate to hang out with your 14-year-old son than make your ultimate night a reality.

Anybody from Duke: Honestly every Duke guy is a top contender to be the league’s most boring player. You think it’d be cool to hang out with an NBA player? I actually think the opposite would be the case here. The Duke players would be so juiced that anybody would publicly associate with them that they you would feel like the NBA player, not them. Let me break it down for you.

A night out with Shane Battier means going to museums, talking about Slaughterhouse-Five and researching the Ming Dynasty – and we’re not talking about Yao.

Mike Dunleavy? The guy is always hurt: Mono, knees, fingers, everything. You’d probably spend six hours in physical therapy before watching NBA League Pass on TV.

Grant Hill wouldn’t be much better. Most likely an evening with the former rep of Fila Sportswear would be watching highlights from the Laettner game and texting with Coach K.

I love Carlos Boozer, but he may be the worst of all. You’d probably read bedtime stories to his son or watch old clips of Charles Barkley. Plus Salt Lake isn’t exactly LA.

Now that you’ve heard my spiel, what is your decision? Remember, this isn’t necessarily about your most adored player; you have to be selective with whom you feel would be the most entertaining and inclusive.

My choice? I know it’s cliché, but I have to go with my man Shaq. I just can’t imagine anything better.