Sports Fan Paradise

If I had to describe the current cultural landscape of sports, I would quote the late Tupac Shakur: "Ain't nuttin but a gangsta party."

Of course, I don't have to describe the current cultural landscape of sports. No blogger has to share their opinions. We choose to. The same way nobody has to watch sports, they do so because they enjoy witnessing athletic competition at it's highest level.

That is why it always baffles me when the public reacts so negatively to star athletes who don't act like perfect role models. At what point in these guys' lives did they sign up to be altar boys? Was it in high school when they weren't expected to go to class because of how good their jump shot was? Was it in college when girls threw themselves at whoever had the best chance of going pro? Or was it on draft day when professional organizations ignored all past indiscretions if a guy could run a 4.3 40?

When an actor cheats on his wife do we stop seeing their movies? When a rock star takes drugs (heaven forbid) do we not listen to their music? Why is it, then, that everyone gets their panties in a bunch when a professional athlete pulls out a gun or slings dick all over Vegas? Why are we expecting anything less?

Thousands of men cheat on their wives every day. Normal guys, ugly guys, poor guys, unsuccessful guys. No matter where you fit on the social ladder there will be a skank there for you to slum it with, if you choose to be that type of person. If every guy in the world had the money, fame and looks as Tiger Woods I'm pretty sure it would increase the number of cheaters. To quote Chris Rock, "A man is only as faithful as his options." When it is revealed that the guy with the most options in America tends to stray from his marriage we shouldn't be all that shocked.

I'm not trying to say that infidelity isn't big deal or that it isn't wrong, because it is. What I'm trying to get across is the ludicrousness of holding professional athletes to higher standards then we would hold our neighbors or coworkers to.

Athletes should not be role models because they're athletes. Michael Phelps should be admired for his swimming feats and the medals he won for our country, but probably not for his sober driving or drug-free lifestyle. And that's fine. Tiger can still be the person you model your golf game after, but you might want to take marriage cues from somebody who spends more time with his wife and kids then his 2-iron. You can teach your son to shoot like Gilbert Arenas without telling him he needs to pack heat in the CYO locker room.

I'm sure some of you are disagreeing with me. You're saying that by accepting millions of dollars in endorsements guys like Woods and Phelps have a responsibility to uphold the image that they're selling. You're right; except the responsibility is to Gatorade and Buick, not to us. Even if Joe Schmo is having an affair he most likely brings his wife to company parties, and when he walks into his boss' office to discuss a raise he doesn't preface the conversation with "Oh, before we get started I just wanted to let you know I'm cheating on my wife. Figured I'd get that out there so you didn't give me any extra money thinking I'm a good guy." Just because these guys were selling the public a product based on their "perfect" image doesn't mean they should have to apologize for the advertising campaign.

My point is simply that we should admire people for what they do well, and not for what we think they're supposed to do well. Athletes are no better people then we are, and in many cases they're worse. It's not their fault, sports threw a lot of money at them at a young age and most kids don't know how to handle it correctly. Sports sociology classes are based on this problem, and the solution certainly doesn't lie in a blog post.

So go ahead and model your receiving skills after Marvin Harrison and your fade-away jumper after Kobe Bryant. It doesn't mean you need to start shooting guys and raping girls. And you don't need to start chain-smoking cigarettes to be a fan of Barack Obama either. But it helps.

Read more of Mike Stiriti at the original "Sports Fan Paradise" blog.

While the 00s were a very successful decade for Boston sports, they were not without some heartbreak and disappointment. Our next category is Most Devastating Loss.

And the nominees are...

Game 7 of the 2003 ALCS: Red Sox @ Yankees

2007 AFC Championship Game: Patriots @ Colts

Super Bowl XLII: Patriots vs. Giants

Game 3 of the 2009 ALDS: Angels @ Red Sox

Well this isn't nearly as much fun to write about. The next couple paragraphs are going to be like a therapy session but without anybody to hug me and tell me that it isn't my fault.

I threw the Angels game on there for 3 reasons, even though I know it doesn't have the magnitude of an ALCS or Super Bowl: 1) We blew a lead in a game that was over. 2) We crumbled with Jonathan Papelbon on the mound. 3) I was there.

The reason this game can't win a Parish is because we were down 2-0 and it was just a Division series. Even if we won a few in a row to take the series there is no way we were getting past the Yankees. It just wasn't happening last season. What stung was the way we lost the type of game that we had been winning consistently for years, and we that it all went down with our best guy on the mound. There had been subtle cracks in Papelbon's perfection since 2008 when he began to blow a save here and there, but it all came crashing down on that October afternoon. He is still a great pitcher but his aura of dominance (and perhaps his tenure in Boston) took a significant (if not irreversible) blow.

AND, to top it all off, I had been in a wedding the night before and woke up at 7:00 AM to drive from Long Island to Boston in order to make it to Yawkey Way in time to properly pregame. AND, to top it all off AGAIN, the Patriots lost to Denver later that day which led to Josh McDaniels fist-pumping to the crowd with more aggression than Ronnie and J-Woww on a Saturday night at Karma. Black Sunday indeed.

But, like I said, this is an easy first elimination. The next game I'm going to knock out of the running is the 2007 ('06 season) AFC title game in Indy. When you blow a 21-3 lead to Peyton Manning in a playoff the only world for it is devastating. I don't think I have ever been as angry after a loss as I was that night. It didn't help that I watched it in Tampa with a couple fake-tanned douche bags who bet on the Colts, but that's a tangent for another day. Still, despite the obvious lack of devastation, the Colts were a great team and the Lombardi trophy wasn't on the line so it doesn't make the cut.

Down to the finals. Let me first say that you can make a great case for either of these games because they were about as devastating as they come. Some call it "The Grady Little Game" while others call it "The Aaron Boone Game," but whatever your chosen nickname this was as tough a loss to take as any in professional sports. The series had been epic, complete with plenty of drama and no team winning back-to-back games. We knocked out Clemens in the 4th inning and took a 5-2 lead into the 8th. Pedro had been lights-out with the exception of a pair of Jason Giambi solo shots, but was obviously tiring. It was time to hand the ball to Alan Embree, Mike Timlin or Scott Williamson, who had been dominant in the playoffs. Everybody knew it. The fans knew it. Pedro knew it. Somehow Grady Little didn't.

I have never been as emotional after a loss as I was that night. I'd be lying if I said that there weren't a few tears (fine, more than a few). And they weren't like Marley and Me tears either, they were Skylar-when-Will-says-he-doesn't-love-her tears. It was bad.

But then 2004 happened. As bad as this loss was, 2004 erased almost all of the pain and 2003 became one of the seasons that we talked about when people asked why everyone in Boston was so excited about winning a World Series. The devastation only lasted a year, which is why it isn't winning a Parish.

The Pats entered the Super Bowl against the Giants carrying an 18-0 record and a -12.5 point spread. They were the team with the MVP at the helm of an unstoppable offense and a genius calling the shots. They were supposed to win. Only problem is, nobody told the Giants. Brady was pressured for the first time all year and the wheels began to come off the wagon. The crazy thing is, despite how poorly the Pats played they were still in the game. Scratch that, they still should have won the game. It took one of the most inexplicable plays by Eli Manning to turn 19-0 to 18-1. ELI FREAKING MANNING!!! That would be like the Tattaglia family killing Luca Brasi, Sonny, Michael, Clemenza and Tessio only to be taken down by Fredo. The "Tyree Play" or whatever you want to call it is still the most absurd thing I have ever seen in sports, and I saw Mick Foley and the actor from Gridiron Gang win the tag team belts with the help of a sock hand puppet.

Never before has a loss brought a fan base down as many notches as that game. We went from the cockiest group of people on the planet to salty, angry and depressed within about 45 seconds. This game wins the Parish Award because we didn't get a championship the next season to ease the pain, instead we got a torn ACL, and the team has yet to fully recover from either.

So we've had some great games and some not so great games, but how about the players? I think it's time to give out a Parish for Boston's Athlete of the Decade.

The nominees were decided based on tenure, team success, individual success and memorable moments. They are Tom Brady, David Ortiz, Paul Pierce, and Manny Ramirez.

I'm going to start picking up the pace a bit as the producers have told me that we're already running 15 minutes over.

While I feel that the Patriots have had some truly great defensive players over the last 10 years I can't bring myself to nominate any of them. I won't say that they're simply "products of a system", but when you have the greatest defensive mind in the history of football telling you where to stand and what to do it makes your life easier. If Monet meticulously instructed me brush stroke for brush stroke I would probably come up with a decent painting but that doesn't make me a decent artist. Still, I will give Tedy Bruschi, Richard Seymour, and the Lawyer Milloy/Rodney Harrison combination a more-than-honorable mention, but they just don't get any hardware.

The only reason Pedro Martinez isn't on this list is because he only played half the decade in Boston, and the same goes for Kevin Garnett and probably Randy Moss as well. And I apologize for leaving off all the great Bruins of the 00s...I just didn't know who they were.

But we're getting off topic and I promised to pick up the pace, so back to the nominees. I was going to give it to Manny because he is the most feared right-handed hitter in team history and because without him Yankees fans would still be chanting "1918!" Then I remembered that he was a selfish jackass who probably caused permanent health issues for Terry Francona, and character is always a factor when determining a Parish.

David Ortiz leads the other nominees in memorable moments, as his bevy of walk-off homers were as exciting as anything in sports, but he most likely did it dirty. Do I care? No, I don't. Would I put HGH in his mango salsa if it meant we wont another World Series in 2010? Yes, I would. But that's just my opinon. I'm a blogger. We have no morals. You should know that. Still, with what slight morality I have left I am not taking an award away from TB or the Truth and giving it to a guy who used a needle to put the Big in Big Papi.

Paul Pierce has started 748 games in Boston uniform this decade, more than any other athlete. That includes anyone in a Red Sox uniform, and they play twice as many games in a season. He currently sits 3rd behind a couple guys named Havlicek and Bird on the Celtic's all-time scoring list and was the MVP of their first NBA finals since the '80s. In any other city this would make him the player of the decade, but #34 happens to play in the same town as #12, which means he is just the first runner-up.

3-time Super Bowl champion. 2-time Super Bowl MVP. League MVP. Most touchdown passes in a season. And that's just what he has done on the field. He is just as successful off of it, impregnating every super model he shares an elevator with. People always try to compare him with Peyton Manning, but the comparison's end at their position. If you really want to compare Brady with a rival athlete it should be with a guy in the Bronx named Jeter.

The theme of this decade in Boston was new found success, and nobody embodies that better than Tom Brady.

OK folks, 2010 is putting the cocktail weenies in the oven and the champagne on ice so we need to wrap this up quickly. I'll be shifting to rapid fire mode to close this out.

Play of the Decade: Dave Roberts Steals 2nd.

Vinatieri hit some monster field goals and David Ortiz hit some clutch homers. Paul Pierce hit some great game-winners and Johnny Damon's Game 7 grand slam in the Bronx was epic. But nothing in my mind tops Roberts' steal. Everything that happened in the '04 ALCS prior to that was awful and everything that happened after was legen- wait for it...

Wait for it...

DARY.

Coach of the Decade: Bill Belichick.

I love Terry Francona like a 2nd father. I could listen to his press conferences for hours upon hours. He manages players egos as well as any coach in professional sports and handles the Boston media better than anyone ever has. But Bill has 1 more ring and a lot less talent, so the mad genius takes it home. I called him to congratulate but apparently he's busy doing what he needs to do to prepare for Houston.

Well it looks like it's time for me to go get ready to get my mingle on. Thanks for reading and I hope to write a lot more for SFL next decade. Here are a few more Parish Awards for you to read while pregaming. Happy New Year!

Haircut of the Decade:



Dance of the Decade: (tie) The Secondary Dance (Ty Law, Lawyer Milloy, Chris Canty) and the Rolling Dice Intro (Paul Pierce and Eddie House).

Doctor of the Decade: Whoever gave Big Papi HGH.

Acquisition of the Decade:



Blog of the Decade: the original "Sports Fan Paradise" blog.

Imagine for a minute that a horrific tailgating accident prior to the 2007 Week 13 Patriots-Ravens Monday night game left your best football-watching buddy in a coma. Maybe the tent collapsed, maybe something went wrong with the grill ... whatever. Now imagine that your buffalo wingman just woke up this week and couldn't wait to come over on Sunday to watch the NFL on your awesome 42" plasma TV.

You're pumped to have your bro back, but as soon as he walks in the door you realize that you're going to have some explaining to do.

Buddy: Wow! That new TV is awesome!

You: Yeah, well, I went with LCD for a while but then switched to DLP, but I think LED is where it's at. And yeah the 52" wasn't cutting it so I went with the 61". Got to, right?

Yeah ... I suppose. So, what games are on tap today? Are there two at 1:00 or just the Pats?

Actually there's ten. Have you ever heard of the Red Zone Channel? No. Of course you haven't ... sorry, man. I'm still getting used to having you back. Anyway, the Red Zone channel switches to whichever game has a team close to the goal line. Or just to whatever game is the best. And they show every touchdown. No commercials. I really don't remember how I used to watch football.

I guess ... that's crazy. So if there aren't commercials when do you take a piss?

That's why I save all my empty Gatorade bottles.

Gotcha. I was going to ask about that ...

Anyway, get me up to speed! Who are the best teams this year? Are the Pats still dominating? Did we ever lose in '07? How many Super Bowl wins did I miss?

Yeah, they dropped a squeaker. Let's not talk about 2007. They're probably going to win the division but they have lost some tough ones this year. The Colts and Saints are both undefeated though.

The Saints!?! I remember them as a 5-7 team.

Yeah man ... things change, I guess.

The Colts always start strong, so that's not surprising. Is the Manning-to-Harrison connection still tearing it up?

Not exactly. I think Marvin Harrison allegedly shot a guy and then hid the gun in a trash can outside a bar he owned. He was never arrested, and ESPN was too busy reporting on Randy Moss missing a blocking assignment to cover it.

Oh. Crazy. And speaking of crazy, how the hell does this Scott Hanson guy stay so energetic throughout all of these games?

I'm guessing Red Bull. And lots of it.

(Red Zone cuts to highlights of Michael Vick scoring a touchdown in Atlanta.)

PFFFFT!!??!! (Spits out his beer)

MICHAEL VICK IS STILL PLAYING FOOTBALL!!??!!

Um, yeah. He paid his debt to society.

This is the same guy that admitted to beating, drowning and electrocuting dogs, right?

Everyone deserves a second chance.

(Red Zone cuts to a shot of Brett Favre getting off the Vikings team bus in Arizona.)

Wait ... did I ... is he ... MINNESOTA???

Haha, yeah.

You mean he didn't--

No. He actually played for the freaking Jets last year. He retires every off-season, but he always comes back. Playing for the Vikings is just a way for him to selfishly get back at the Packers.

What a jackass. Do they still air that awful Wrangler Jeans commercials?

Yup. That's the best part about the Red Zone channel.

(Seven touchdowns four beers and two Gatorade bottles later.)

Are the Dolphins really about to beat us by one freaking point!?! Why didn't we just kick that field goal on 4th and 1???

Belichick is employing a unique fourth-down strategy this year. Don't question him.

Wow. That was miserable! I haven't seen them lose a game like that since the Bledsoe years. How do you do this every week?

Beer. And lots of it.

(Red Zone cuts to highlights of the Bengals-Lions game.)

Why are the announcers calling Chad Johnson Chad Ochocinco? And why is it on the back of his jersey? He didn't legally change his name did he?

Oh, he most certainly did. And if you followed him on Twitter you would know that he also calls himself "Esteban the Black Mexican."

What's Twitter?

A conversation for another day.

Read more of Mike Stiriti at the original "Sports Fan Paradise" blog.