Sports Fan Paradise

Imagine for a minute that a horrific tailgating accident prior to the 2007 Week 13 Patriots-Ravens Monday night game left your best football-watching buddy in a coma. Maybe the tent collapsed, maybe something went wrong with the grill ... whatever. Now imagine that your buffalo wingman just woke up this week and couldn't wait to come over on Sunday to watch the NFL on your awesome 42" plasma TV.

You're pumped to have your bro back, but as soon as he walks in the door you realize that you're going to have some explaining to do.

Buddy: Wow! That new TV is awesome!

You: Yeah, well, I went with LCD for a while but then switched to DLP, but I think LED is where it's at. And yeah the 52" wasn't cutting it so I went with the 61". Got to, right?

Yeah ... I suppose. So, what games are on tap today? Are there two at 1:00 or just the Pats?

Actually there's ten. Have you ever heard of the Red Zone Channel? No. Of course you haven't ... sorry, man. I'm still getting used to having you back. Anyway, the Red Zone channel switches to whichever game has a team close to the goal line. Or just to whatever game is the best. And they show every touchdown. No commercials. I really don't remember how I used to watch football.

I guess ... that's crazy. So if there aren't commercials when do you take a piss?

That's why I save all my empty Gatorade bottles.

Gotcha. I was going to ask about that ...

Anyway, get me up to speed! Who are the best teams this year? Are the Pats still dominating? Did we ever lose in '07? How many Super Bowl wins did I miss?

Yeah, they dropped a squeaker. Let's not talk about 2007. They're probably going to win the division but they have lost some tough ones this year. The Colts and Saints are both undefeated though.

The Saints!?! I remember them as a 5-7 team.

Yeah man ... things change, I guess.

The Colts always start strong, so that's not surprising. Is the Manning-to-Harrison connection still tearing it up?

Not exactly. I think Marvin Harrison allegedly shot a guy and then hid the gun in a trash can outside a bar he owned. He was never arrested, and ESPN was too busy reporting on Randy Moss missing a blocking assignment to cover it.

Oh. Crazy. And speaking of crazy, how the hell does this Scott Hanson guy stay so energetic throughout all of these games?

I'm guessing Red Bull. And lots of it.

(Red Zone cuts to highlights of Michael Vick scoring a touchdown in Atlanta.)

PFFFFT!!??!! (Spits out his beer)

MICHAEL VICK IS STILL PLAYING FOOTBALL!!??!!

Um, yeah. He paid his debt to society.

This is the same guy that admitted to beating, drowning and electrocuting dogs, right?

Everyone deserves a second chance.

(Red Zone cuts to a shot of Brett Favre getting off the Vikings team bus in Arizona.)

Wait ... did I ... is he ... MINNESOTA???

Haha, yeah.

You mean he didn't--

No. He actually played for the freaking Jets last year. He retires every off-season, but he always comes back. Playing for the Vikings is just a way for him to selfishly get back at the Packers.

What a jackass. Do they still air that awful Wrangler Jeans commercials?

Yup. That's the best part about the Red Zone channel.

(Seven touchdowns four beers and two Gatorade bottles later.)

Are the Dolphins really about to beat us by one freaking point!?! Why didn't we just kick that field goal on 4th and 1???

Belichick is employing a unique fourth-down strategy this year. Don't question him.

Wow. That was miserable! I haven't seen them lose a game like that since the Bledsoe years. How do you do this every week?

Beer. And lots of it.

(Red Zone cuts to highlights of the Bengals-Lions game.)

Why are the announcers calling Chad Johnson Chad Ochocinco? And why is it on the back of his jersey? He didn't legally change his name did he?

Oh, he most certainly did. And if you followed him on Twitter you would know that he also calls himself "Esteban the Black Mexican."

What's Twitter?

A conversation for another day.

Read more of Mike Stiriti at the original "Sports Fan Paradise" blog.