The ABC's: Athletic Brain Cramps

Picture this. You're the star running back on the No. 16 team in the nation. You've just lost to a team that plays on blue Astro Turf. On top of that, you've had one of the worst games of your entire life, carrying the ball eight times for a whopping -5 yards.

That might be enough to get you a little upset.

But then comes the final straw. A player on the opposing team comes up to you, taps you on the shoulder and says, "LeGarrette is the stupidest name I've ever heard in my life!"

After a horrific series of flashbacks of children making fun of you for this ridiculous name, you have no recourse but to let your frustrations go on the closest unsuspecting chin. For example ...



After that series of events, can you really blame the guy?

Don't get me wrong; I am not condoning Blount's actions. But with a name like LeGarrette, let's be honest, the kid's been defending himself since birth.

Blount is simply the latest in the long tradition of football players with unimaginably bad names to get into trouble. Don't believe me? Let's take a look at a couple:

Plaxico Burress - shot himself in the leg in a night club; two years in jail.

Terrell Owens (wasn't a horrible name until he changed the pronunciation to TE-rell instead of Te-RELL) - run out of town in San Francisco, Philadelphia and Dallas.

Donté Stallworth - DUI manslaughter; suspended for season.

Orenthal James (O.J.) Simpson - I don't think we need to get into this one.

That's not even counting Adam "PacMan" Jones who purposely made his name absurd just so he could justify getting himself into outrageous shenanigans.

I'm calling for an investigation to see if Michael Dwayne Vick is actually the convicted dog murderer's given name. If it was something like DeMichael or Míkeaulle, it would go a long way to explain his actions.

Need more proof? Look at this list of past Heisman Trophy winners. You'll see good, clean names like Sam, Tim, Troy, Reggie and Matt.

Coincidence? I think not.

So this is a plea to all of those parents with babies on board. If you want your son to be an athlete, especially a football player, please name him something reasonable. Otherwise when you fill out that birth certificate you'll be sentencing him to a life of fistfights, convictions and suspensions.