The ABC's: Athletic Brain Cramps Blog on SportsFanLive.com

Taking A Holliday From White Towels

Friday, October 9, 2009 10:50 AM
Written By: Colin Ward-Henninger

"I lost it in the lights." "The wind took it." "I thought I heard my center-fielder call me off."

All of these would have been acceptable excuses for Matt Holliday's devastating error in the final inning of yesterday's Dodgers-Cardinals game.

Instead Holliday took the high road, saying that he simply missed the ball. That's quite a rarity in an era where it's always someone giving you the steroids instead of you taking them yourself.

Something about this didn't sit right with Cardinals starting pitcher Adam Wainwright, however, and he took the opportunity to make an excuse for his melancholy left fielder:

"He lost the ball in the 50,000 white towels shaking in front of his face. It doesn't seem really fair that an opposing team should be allowed to shake white towels when there's a white baseball flying through the air. Dodger blue towels — how about that?"

Now don't get me wrong, I love Adam Wainwright. And when I say "love" I mean like borderline unhealthy man-crush status. Not to mention that he was no doubt just a little bitter after tossing eight innings of three-hit baseball and watching his team blow it in the ninth.

But come on, Adam, does the white towel defense really apply here?

He makes an interesting point, but if the white background hides the ball, why stop at banning white towels? There are plenty of other things that would be illegal in Adam Wainwright Stadium:

Thinking about wearing a white t-shirt to the game? Think again.

Craving a mini-helmet of vanilla ice cream? Forget about it. It's chocolate or the highway in these here parts.

Make an error in your scorebook? Better not reach for the white-out ... unless you want to be ejected.

When you finish your cotton candy, you better make sure you get that white stick under your seat before the ball's hit. (It could be an effective technique for parents, however. "Sally, stop hitting your brother with that stick or Adam Wainwright's gonna get you!")

What if you prefer listening to The White Album on your white iPod during the game? You might as well not even show up.

Not to mention the racial implications of banning white from baseball stadiums. I don't think it would sit too well with the Albino Rights Groups.

So maybe we better hold off on imposing the Wainwright rules for now. But who knows, maybe one day he'll be an owner and he can finally fulfill his dream of a white-free stadium.