The ABC's: Athletic Brain Cramps

Major League spring training is a time for players to turn the page on last season and start fresh. It's a time for new teammates to meet and bond for the first time -- a crucial time when chemistry must be created that will last for the entire season.

Surely with those sentiments in mind, Manny Ramirez reported to Los Angeles Dodgers training camp today with promising, encouraging words:

"I know I’m not going to be here next year."

Wait, what?

Reporters had the expected reaction and followed up with Manny (from the L.A. Times Dodgers Blog):

So you don’t think you will re-sign with Dodgers?

“I doubt it, I don’t know,” he said. “I’m happy to be here. I’m going to try to enjoy myself.”

Asked what made him think he wouldn’t be in Los Angeles in 2011, Ramirez replied, “I don’t know. I just know that I’m not going to be here.”

Did he see himself moving to the American League?

“I don’t know,” Ramirez said. “We’ll see. Let’s take it a day at a time.”

Way to come out of the gate firing, Manny! I was thinking it would take at least two, three days for our first "Manny being an idiot" story, but he's not wasting any time this year.

Nothing says "I'm motivated and ready to work hard" more than contemplating retirement on your first day of spring training.

And it's not like Manny has to win back the fans and his teammates or anything. It's not like last year he served a 50-game suspension for 'roids, lost his position among the greatest right-handed hitters of all time, and came back from the suspension with a lower batting average than Screech Powers at

a sorority party.

Goodness gracious. The Dodgers are already coming off one of the worst off-seasons in Major League history, which includes such sterling signings as utility infielder Alfredo Amezaga and early-2000s All-Star Brian Giles. On top of that, they paid $5 million for Vicente Padilla, a notoriously bad clubhouse guy whose buddy shot him in the leg in the off-season.

Stay hot, Dodgers.

Maybe Manny is trying to learn from Tiger Woods' mistakes and "get ahead of the story." If that's the case, at least he's being proactive. Although I must say, announcing plans to leave the team on the first day of spring training might be just a bit too far ahead of the story.

Now that Manny Ramirez is only a week away from his triumphant return to the Major Leagues, it is only fitting that some light is being shed on the exact origin of his performance-enhancing drugs.

According to ESPN.com, the DEA is investigating a Miami doctor and his son as the source of the banned drug given to Manny Ramirez.

Unfortunately, I’m here to tell you that this is all one big conspiracy. That’s right, not only did Mannywood not get the PED’s from this guy, he never even took the drug in question.

Sounds crazy, I know. But hear me out.

For the last ten years or so, Manny has been sporting one of the most unique hairstyles that has ever graced the diamond. From red dreads to back-length Predator-style braids , Manny’s hair has become almost as infamous as his unique defensive abilities.

So what does this have to do with steroids?

Let’s remember, Manny never tested positive for steroids. He tested positive for a female fertility drug. The drug is used to restart the body’s natural production of testosterone after coming off of a steroid cycle … or so Manny’s people would like us to believe.

I was sitting in my living room staring at a Raggedy Ann doll when it finally hit me.

Manny never took the fertility drug. The person who took the drug is the woman whose hair Manny is wearing on his head.

That's right. Manny has a weave!

It’s all so clear now. The MLB tests hair samples for steroids. They ask Manny for a lock of his lustrous coiffure and, Manny being Manny, he agrees without thinking of the fact that it’s not his hair. Besides, it’s not like hair donators are roided up --- he’s got nothing to worry about.

But then, boom, the hair sample comes up positive for the female fertility drug. Turns out the poor woman who donated the hair had been trying to have a child for some time, to no avail. Finally she decided to sell her hair in a desperate attempt to raise money for the adoption charges.

I’ve seen it a million times.

Anyway, Manny had a tough decision to make. He could clear his name by saying that it wasn’t his hair, but he would face the horrifying embarrassment of having the whole world know that he wears a weave.

Think about it, Manny doesn’t want to play a full 162-game season anyway. He doesn’t care about his legacy or the Hall of Fame. The Dodgers want him fresh for September and October, not May and June. The decision was easy. Take the suspension.

So although Manny has now been removed from contention for “the greatest right-handed hitter the game has ever seen,” he triumphantly remains atop the list for “greatest dreadlocks the game has ever seen.”

Unbeweaveable.

Athletes are stupid.

Well, let me rephrase that: Athletes do stupid things. Then again ... some really are just stupid.

That, in a nutshell, is what this blog is all about. I'm going to point out and comment on the plethora of miscues by athletes that we see on a daily basis. For example, this week alone we have:

-Michael Vick getting out of jail for leading a dog fighting ring.
-The fallout from Manny Ramirez taking steroids.
-Version 3.0 of "The Favre Ultimatum".
-Rays manager Joe Maddon losing the DH by penciling in two third baseman on the lineup card.

Then there's stuff like this that I can't even begin to explain:



These guys and girls are always doing something foolish. I see it as my privilege --- no, my duty, to criticize them.

If you're the person who stands at the bottom of the icy stairs waiting for someone to fall, this blog's for you.

If you're the person who creates hours of traffic because you can't help from slowing down to look at the accident, this blog's for you.

If you're the person who can't watch a sporting event without laughing hysterically and screaming, "what was he thinking!", this blog's for you.

My name is Colin. Nice to meet you. Hope you enjoy.