Wasif's World

Dear Cleveland,

I know you’re going through a tough time right now. After all the trials and tribulations of being a sports fan in that town, from John Elway’s drive to Earnest Byner’s fumble the next year to Michael Jordan’s shot over Craig Ehlo to Art Modell’s move to the Indians’ title drought, the last thing you needed was for your native son -- your native son-- to shun you.

I mean, Manny left and CC left, but they didn’t have the Erie lake water flowing through their veins. For once, all the stars aligned, i.e. you sucked at the right time, for you to draft not only a local kid, but “the Chosen One,” the greatest player of his generation.

But you had him for seven years. That’s something to be happy about, right? Put the knife down. C’mon, buck up, young Buckeyes. Things could be a whole lot worse.

It’s times like these where you should count your blessings, accentuate the positive. In with the good air, out with the bad. Here, I’ll help you:

First off, hey, as a state, you’ve got a professional football team that doesn’t have a convicted dog killer on the roster.

Sure, the Cleveland Indians haven’t won in a while, but they’re not the Cubs.

The Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame is really very cool. I mean, I’ve never been there, but you’ll never need to add a Steroid Wing to it like Cooperstown will.

Your state has THE Ohio State University! All those other pretender Ohio State Universities can’t compare to THE one that you have. You can take pride in that.

And speaking of Ohio State, imagine if you’d had the No. 1 pick when Greg Oden was available. Ooo-fa! Sucks to be Portland, right?

The Indians went to the World Series twice in the past 15 years! Even Toronto can’t say that!

You won an NFL Championship less than half a century ago. It would be considered a Super Bowl if they were calling them Super Bowls at that time.

You were awarded an NHL franchise. Awarded! That’s quite a prize. Omaha can’t say that! Nor can Billings, Montana or Mound City, Missouri.

What’s that? ... It was Columbus? ... Is there a difference? ... Oh, 142 miles. I see. So, what’s a two-hour drive among die-hard whatever-they’re-called fans?

The Browns won the Super Bowl! Do you hear me? The Browns won the Super Bowl! (Yes, they were playing in Baltimore at the time, but c’mon, they were made up of some Browns, weren’t they?)

Fine, no more Browns talk. I understand it’s still a sore subject.

Well, we all know that Cleveland is still the only place in the country to get that delicacy you guys have. Er, what’s that called? You know, the stuff that’s so good and unique to only you? ... Help me out here. Don’t you have any food that people flock to your city to eat? (Please don’t say it’s the Hard Rock Café.)

And lest we not forget about our other favorite son -- Drew Carey is hosting “The Price is Right!” Hmm? How about that?! Remember what his sitcom taught us -- Cleveland Rocks!

And isn’t Arsenio Hall from Cleveland as well? (Yeah, best not to mention that one.)

But Dean Martin was also from Steubenville, Ohio! The King of Cool, himself.

Oof, this is tough. Are you guys cheered up yet?

In baseball, you’re not Pittsburgh. In football, you’re not the Lions ... (though they do seem to have more promise). In basketball, you’re not Memphis. And in hockey, you’re not Columbus.

Oh, crap! That’s right, you ARE Columbus ... I forgot! Sorry. You’re not the Islanders.

So, you see Cleveland fans, there are so very, very, very many great things to be proud of supporting your fine city, the city that never ... that never ... er, raises its cholesterol. (I sense a bumper sticker there!)

Look at LeBron’s defection this way: The Cavs will probably get to draft No. 1 again real soon. Next time, just pick a guy from Jersey.