Wasif's World

Have you ever heard millions of New Yorkers laugh at once?

It doesn’t happen often. There was that time the ball dropped right on Dick Clark during a “New Year’s Rockin’ Eve” broadcast. (It took them till January 3rd to remove it.)

And of course, remember when NYC Mayor Rudy Giuliani hosted British Prime Minister Tony Blair shortly after 9/11 and took him to a street vendor for a hot dog where he unceremoniously squirted mustard into the visiting diplomat’s face.


Then there was today. It’s an interesting sound and I’m not sure what the physics are behind it. I believe it causes something of a vacuum. The air collectively escaping from Boston as in some sort of gasp and getting sucked into New York City as one does when guffawing leaves Hartford totally obliterated by funnel clouds as you would see in a tornado. It’s a true phenomenon.

So I’m disappointed. Not so much that Papi has been outed by this mysterious “list leaker.” But because the conspiracy theories behind whether or not he was a steroid user are over. And I love a good conspiracy.

I gotta say, this one really could’ve gone either way. You had your evidence that he DID take them: his numbers explosion, the gap in his teeth, his girth, his nationality and connection to all his countrymen that did it, and again, his girth.

Then there were the points that suggested he DIDN’T take them: his hitting coach, Ron “Papa Jack” Jackson, helped close that hole in his swing, he finally was on a team that didn’t want him to simply play hit-and-run, he had Manny batting behind him, he entered his prime, and he kept saying he didn’t (though without a finger wag).

To me, this was not one of those lopsided conspiracies. Look at the information surrounding the Kennedy Assassination or the events on 9/11 or even the 2000 presidential election. Those are no-brainers, putting aside any subjective judgment you may have, the evidence leans heavily to one side on all of those.

But this one kept most people on the fence ... until you started weighing each item on the lists. Then, perhaps it was pretty clear. We just chose not to believe. (Ironic for a fan base whose motto is “Believe.”)

It’s simply another blow to our innocence. My Cardinals fan friend said she has no doubt that Albert Pujols is clean. Until today, I had said the same thing about Papi out loud. But now I’m so skeptical that when another friend proclaimed that “the curtain has been pulled back on the Wizard,” I screamed, “Oh, no! NOT Ozzie Smith too!!” (Fortunately, I later found out that his flips were not chemically enhanced.)

First “American Idol” loser Ju’Not said that show was fixed. Now Big Papi and Manny. So what’s next to shake the foundation of our souls – we find out that Demi Moore doesn’t maintain her body naturally? A Republican governor in charge of a council on family values isn’t faithful to his wife? Keanu Reeves isn’t really the brilliant actor we all think he is?

I can’t take it anymore!

But the big question here is ... WHO is leaking these names?! It’s diabolical how deliberate this is being done. I picture a low-level employee at Major League Baseball, probably some kid in the copy room (“Manny Ramirez! ... Takin’ steroids! ... The Man Ram! ... Mandingo! ... Manchego cheese! ... Manny! ... Takin’ steroids!”) wearing an overcoat with a fedora over his eyes in the farthest corner of a dark parking garage somewhere in mid-town. An upstart cub reporter nervously approaches, his eyes darting around to make sure he wasn’t followed.

Though y’know ... there might just be a conspiracy in here after all. Try this one on for size: the man in the overcoat isn’t a low-level employee at all, but rather, Derek Jeter himself.

Whoa! Before all you gloating Yankees fans get outraged, hear me out – Alex Rodriguez is leaked first from the list. The two used to be BFFs. And now, there’s a rift. We’ve all heard the old saying, “Hell hath no fury like a Yankee scorned.” So he leaked him for revenge.

Then came Sammy Sosa. Well, that one’s so obvious I shouldn’t even have to tell you. (Mental note: figure out reason why Jeter would want to out Sosa.)

And now Ortiz and Manny. Just like Jeter to hold onto that information until the playoff hunt. The Red Sox are flailing right now, trying to keep up with the Yankees, but falling short. What better time to drop this bomb shell!

Of course, it’s Jeter. It’s so obviously him!

Who’s next is the question? Pujols is the favorite right now. If the Cardinals make the World Series again, Jeter can drop that name then. How about Halladay? If he goes to a team besides the Yankees, Jeter will let that name out. Or perhaps even Jeter himself is on the list. [insert ominous music here] And we certainly don’t need to ever find that out. He’s got a Hall of Fame induction ceremony to prepare for in about 10 years.

So there you have it – Jeter is not only leaking the names ... he’s also on the list.

Good. Now we have another conspiracy to occupy our time. I feel better now.