Wasif's World

The NBA has announced that it will use replacement referees during the preseason as it prepares to lock out the union. As the new charges will have a lot to deal with even outside of officiating the raging pituitary cases on the court, such as lunatic fans, manipulative coaches (don’t look behind you, Phil Jackson, I’m staring right in your eyes!), and the union themselves, which takes none too kindly to scabs of any kind (particularly those in your ear that you peel when they weren’t quite ready yet so they trickle a little bit and you don’t notice . . . but I digress), I thought I would give them a few helpful tips to catch them up to speed as quickly as possible.

Now I’ve never been in your shoes, but from my vantage point on the couch, these hints seem to make the most sense:

If you’ve just made a tough call during an emotional series against a player, go over to him and put your arm around him to explain the call. Psychologists prescribe to this method of being stern, yet affectionate. And though the players will probably fly into a rage and get you fined or suspended for touching them, after some time, they will realize that you made a lot of sense and feel a lot closer to you, probably sometime after you’ve both retired and run into each other at a Sizzler in downtown Phoenix.

Bet on the games. Officiating games can get redundant. You don’t want to get bored for fear that you’ll lose focus. So you should raise the stakes. Put some cash on the games. That way, you’ll be involved in every call. Tim Donaghy was one of the most energetic refs out there, never missing a call. Sure, the calls weren’t always legitimate, but he loved the game and it showed.

Everytime a head coach questions you, throw one of his favorite players out of the game. “What’s that, Van Gundy?! ... You think he traveled? ... That’s it! I’ve had enough of you! ... Howard, you’re gone!”

Give Kobe the benefit of the doubt. After all, he’s been in the league much longer than you guys have. If he tells you he didn’t travel, elbow his opponent, or goaltend, then he didn’t. Why would he lie to you?
And when he does his patented, I’m-not-getting-what-I-want-from-this-ref,-so-I’ll-go-plead-with-this-guy maneuver, well, the second ref should be sure to overrule the first ref.
That’s what every good parent would do. “Dad, Mom says I can’t go to the concert tonight. Can I?”
“I don’t see why not, son. Have a good time.”
“Thanks, Dad.”


If you’re bald, let a player polish your head with a towel. The fans love that.

Get rid of the zebra suits. I suggest fluorescent spandex so the players don’t accidentally throw the ball to you. Remember when Andre Agassi went with the bold t-shirts during Grand Slam tennis tournaments instead of the traditional white, collared garb? Sure, staunch purists were upset with him at first, but eventually, it caught on. Now players are routinely risking their manhood by hitting balls through their legs for winners down the line. History will view you guys as mavericks, ahead of their time.

Hold grudges on certain players. It forges a personalized relationship. Tim Duncan will never forget Joey Crawford. The two are forever linked. It’s a special bond you can’t teach and not many sports individuals have. The operative word to describe this kind of relationship is “special.”

Call the games as inconsistently as possible. I’m sure the league’s already told you this by now. It’s their No. 1 rule. And if it’s one thing that they want from you, it’s that you work to the level of the regular referees so that the fans won’t even notice a change. Call a “charge” one time up the court, then call “blocking” on a similar play. Keep the fans and the teams guessing.
If you can master this, you may actually earn yourself a full-time job, with benefits.

Overall, the message is that you want people to know your name. Being anonymous doesn’t serve anyone. High profile refs are the best refs. After all, the league wants ratings. So ratchet up the controversy whenever you can. Tweet during games. Blow your whistle, then ask a random fan what the call is. Better yet, make up a call! “[whistle blow] Shurling . . . No. 32. Ball goes the other way!” Shrug a lot when asked to explain a call.
If you adhere to these rules, with any luck, you’ll make us forget any highly trained referees were ever missing from the court.