Wasif's World

I want to start a rumor. I mean a juicy, prime rumor; something with legs.

Now it’s got to be sensational but believable. It can’t be that LeBron James is an alien. That theoreticallycould be believable if you consider how young he still is and how mature his body is. But his growth is still within the realm of reason considering the extremes that genetics can reach for some people. (Plus, you probably don’t want to align yourself with the weirdos that believe aliens exist and are planning to take over the world through professional sports anyway. They’re the same people that keep backing the Twins to win the World Series.)

It can’t be too obvious like baseball players are still using performance-enhancing drugs.

Or it can’t be too subtle like David Ortiz is actually 40 years old. Most people believe that to be fact so it won’t fly as a rumor.

It can’t be redundant like Terrell Owens has been killing dogs for years. Michael Vick already brought us down that road. First off, people are bored with it. You won’t receive the same reaction Vick got. Secondly, there’s precedent so it won’t be as alarming. And finally, Vick was a rising star, Owens is a plummeting one.

And it can’t be superfluous like Steve Phillips had affairs with a dozen interns. What’s one to a dozen? It’s the first one that’s shocking. Any additional affairs are just piling it on like the Patriots to the NFL bottom-feeders. Plus, Phillips’ infidelity count is already rising as he’s admitted that a second one occurred eleven years ago, so the damage is done.

Although, a good marital hanky-panky rumor can go a long way, (the writer thought to himself as he rubbed his hands together menacingly). And while I’m on the subject, what is it with good-looking, successful men having affairs with less-than-attractive interns? I mean, Phillips used to get paid a lot of money to evaluate talent, correct? Now I’m not saying Brooke Hundley is homely, but ... no, wait. I am saying that; in no uncertain terms. And she’s a Yankees fan. (I had to throw that one in there.)

But, I digress. So what kind of rumor could I start? How about one on how I was lucky enough to be given the opportunity to write for this site? It’s personal, it’s topical and some of you wonder that every time you read me. Am I related to the boss? Did I sleep with him? Am I the boss? There are so many ways I could go with that one. Though I’ve already lost you.

The key to a juicy rumor has it involving someone who you admire so much, who you put so much faith into, almost partaking in idolatry, that you are never more excited when you see this person fail at the hands of his own hubris. “Damn, I used to worship him. How could anyone be so full of themselves?” you wonder aloud without review of your first sentence to find the answer.

Conspiracies are the best. If you can combine a rumor and a conspiracy – woo doggie! – that’s like hitting the five-team parlay! The Patriots only won the Super Bowl in 2002 because, in light of September 11th, the league wanted them to. It was patriotic. (Of course, the New York Yankees lost the World Series a month after the tragedy to the hands of the – wait, lemme check my notes here – the Arizona ... Diamonds? ... Oh, Diamondbacks! Who even knew they had a team there. Well, either way, they must be pretty darned patriotic there in Arizona to be awarded a world championship like that.) So that disproves the validity of that thought.

Or that the Lakers only won the NBA championship in 2009 because all prime contending teams outside of Cleveland suffered devastating injuries to their stars. Okay, so that’s not a rumor as much as it is spiteful commentary.

Back to the rumor mill. I’m sorry to harp on this so much, but I can’t say enough how much I love rumors. From those as the trade deadline approaches, to those on “TMZ,” a rumor, no matter how crazy, can add a little spice to your day. A rumor is like a tell-all book, except that those are usually true and once they’re verified, they become uninteresting.

“What’s that? Magic Johnson doesn’t like Isiah Thomas after all? But what about all the pre-game kissing? I could’ve sworn they were lovers.”

Once a rumor is proven unsubstantiated, it loses steam. The news that Tom Cable didn’t assault his former assistant smashed any hope the Raiders had this year of becoming newsworthy short of Al Davis walking on the field mid-game and dropping his pants to the camera.

Well, I’m stumped. Here’s hoping the world of sports provides something juicy for us this week.