Wasif's World

The NBA Draft Lottery was held this past week. It’s like the poor man’s NFL Draft ... actually, the destitute man’s NFL Draft ... really, the homeless man’s NFL Draft.

The event was held in conference room 3A of the NBA Entertainment Studios in Secaucus, New Jersey. Representatives from the 14 teams that did not make the playoffs are invited there as a diversion from the ridiculous number of off-days in the NBA playoffs. They’re joined by NBA executives as well as officials from the unimpeachable accounting firm of Donaghy, Crawford & Bavetta, and four members from the national media.

Unlike early days of the lottery -- each team got a ball and the ball that got picked, that team won the lottery -- which needed only a rudimentary knowledge of math, this lottery system was conceived by a bunch of statistics and probability nerds at M.I.T.

In a nutshell, the lottery machine is filled with ping-pong balls, each marked with a number 1 through 14. These balls have been kept in a case under lock and key so that no one may tamper with them like writing “David Stern sucks!” on them. The four balls are drawn randomly to create a 4-digit combination. The team with the worst record is assigned the most combinations giving them the best chance to win.

Once that combination is drawn, the number is matched up to the board and assigned to the team that gets the No. 1 pick. The process is then repeated for the second and third picks. Simple, right?

The reason it’s done that way is to prevent any accusations of foul play, except from the three or four mathematicians in the world that understand what the hell is going on.

For those of you who missed it (most everyone, and I can’t say I blame you), I’ll provide you with the transcript below:

Studio Host: Let’s get to conference room 3A and Joel Litvin, the NBA President of League and Basketball Operations. Commissioner David Stern could not be here tonight because quite frankly, it’s a Tuesday, and that means “Glee” is on.

Joel Litvin: We’re going to drop these 14 balls into a drum and then mix them up and draw four balls to the top. You don’t want to go to a commercial break right now because the tension is suffocating.

[commercial break]

Studio Host: (yawning) Oh, we’re back. The balls have been drawn. And now with an introduction of our representatives from this year’s 14 sucky, er, lottery teams, here’s Heather Cox.

Heather Cox: Thank you very much and good evening, everybody. Joining us tonight from the Houston Rockets, guard Aaron Brooks. Aaron, your team has a .5 percent of getting the top pick tonight. Why are you here?

Aaron Brooks: Free trip on the Rockets. Helps me rack up the frequent flyer miles.

Heather Cox: Good business sense, Aaron. ... With the Toronto Raptors, guard DeMar DeRozan. Grizzlies owner Michael Heisley as well as the president for the New Orleans Hornets Hugh Weber.

Representing the Indiana Pacers, forward Danny Granger. Danny, tonight you wear your good luck charm in the form of a fashion statement. Why?

Danny Granger: This is my white James Bond jacket that I got on and I’ve never worn it before. This is the first time, but the kicker’s what I got underneath.

Heather Cox: (sotto) I thought you said you’d return those to me.

Danny Granger: Uh ... I was going to say my John Wall jersey.

Heather Cox: (turning bright red) Oh, yes, of course.

Danny Granger: I’m gonna rip it off Incredible Hulk style.

[NOTE: I don’t think Granger has actually ever seen the Incredible Hulk if that’s what he thinks the Hulk did.]

Heather Cox: A little Superman breakaway. Heh heh. Great. Good luck, Danny.

Danny Granger: Thanks ... oh, and I’m wearing your underwear too.

[shot of Wizards owner Irene Poulin, widow of the late Abe Poulin, in shock]

Heather Cox: And from the Utah Jazz, General Manager Kevin O’Connor. And Clippers president Andy Roeser. The Clippers have only 2.3 percent chance to win the lottery tonight, but a 96 percent chance to take a player with immense promise and turn him into a disinterested, aimless guy who leaves via free agency at his first opportunity.

The Detroit Pistons are represented by Scott Perry, vice president of basketball operations. From the Philadelphia 76ers, guard Jrue Holliday. And from the Washington Wizards, owner Irene Poulin, who is tonight wearing her late husband Abe’s 1978 Bullets championship ring as a good luck charm.

Irene Poulin: I’m also wearing his underwear.

Heather Cox: Okay, that’s a little weird. What is it with underwear and the lottery?

Anyway, she’s also joined in the studio by minority owner Ted Leonsis who is in the process of becoming majority owner. How’s that going, Ted?

Ted Leonsis: To be honest, Heather, the hardest part is reminding my secretary to answer the phone differently. She’s a lovely woman, but a bit dim.

Heather Cox: We’re also joined by Larry Riley, the Golden State Warriors general manager, as well as the NBA’s Rookie of the Year, Sacramento’s Tyreke Evans.

Tyreke, what areas would you like to see the Sacramento Kings improve on during the offseason?

Tyreke Evans: Uh, the area of winning. We’d like more wins. Did you not see the team last year? We didn’t win. That’s why I’m here now. This off-season, we need to put the pieces in place to win. (angry) I mean, I’m busting my tail out there, and for what?

[long, awkward silence]

Heather Cox: Congrats on Rookie of the Year.

Tyreke Evans: (cheerily) Thanks, I appreciate it.

Heather Cox: From the Minnesota Timberwolves, President of Basketball Operations, David Kahn. And David, how much do you need the top pick to revitalize this franchise?

David Kahn: Well, Heather, last year we drafted two point guards. As you know, a starting five needs five players. So our goal is to acquire three more point guards. John Wall with the No. 1 pick would be tremendous leap toward our goal of an all-point guard starting five. We believe that will give us the tools to win, and win now.

Heather Cox: Good luck with that. ... And finally, from the New Jersey Nets, Mikhail Prokhorov, who last week became the majority owner of the team. Mikhail, how does it feel to finally be in control of this franchise?

Mikhail Prokhorov: It gives me great explosion. The Netskis will win NBA champagne ships many times and bring joy to -- how do you say? -- cesspool New Jersey.

Heather Cox: No translator today, Mikhail?

Mikhail Prokhorov: He tells me he is dropping kids off at pool and will come later.

Heather Cox: Thank you and good luck to you all. The time has come and here is NBA Deputy Commissioner Adam Silver who will reveal the final order for the 2010 NBA Draft.

And then, the order held true to form until the Warriors, Kings and Timberwolves got screwed thus giving the Wizards and 76ers the first two picks, respectively. And after the Nets were announced with the third pick, their new owner Mikhail Prokhorov proceeded to unveil a John Wall Nets jersey, for evidently, in Moscow, three is the highest number they have. Who knew?

The entire event gathered a negative 1.2 rating, which is actually higher than last year’s negative 1.6. To understand how ratings are calculated and what a negative 1.2 means, you should please contact anyone at M.I.T. involved with numbers.