Wasif's World

Tasering fans is a relatively new concept in sports. In the early days, ballparks would simply cut off beer taps in order to quiet unruly fans. But now, as fans find new reasons to be unruly (i.e. their team is losing, instant YouTube fame, Santa Claus in their field of vision, they root for the Raiders, their friend dared them to, they were drunk when they arrived, etc.), law enforcement and security personnel must take more stringent measures to ensure the ball park is a pleasant, idyllic place for young children to go in order to hear a “Yankees Suck, Jeter Swallows” chant.

On Monday evening, during a contest between the Phillies and the Cardinals at Philadelphia’s Citizens Bank Ballpark, (y’know, just because it has “citizens” in the name, doesn’t mean the fans can do what they want) a 17-year-old fan ran onto the field and was swift enough to elude a slew of security. Of course, this one ended up like they all do ... with the kid getting a tryout with the Eagles. No, wait, that’s not what happened. Oh, I remember, he got tasered by the guard that couldn’t catch him.

On Tuesday evening, during another contest between the Phillies and the Cardinals, another fan ran onto the field, but got not nearly the same press as the first kid since it was, by then, just another day at the ball yard.

Of course, it all goes to prove a point I’ve been making for years – the Cardinals bring out the worst in fans.

So there’s naturally some outrage and back and forth over whether this was excessive behavior on the part of the officer. The police department is on the record for saying the taserer acted within the

guidelines on when to taser, but that they will “review” the incident, nonetheless. (I can’t say I blame them. I’ve “reviewed” the footage at least 50 times already myself. It's hilarious!)

But perhaps those people siding with the “victim's rights” in this scenario (people who do not include the kid’s mother, by the way) may have a point. Was tasing necessary?

I mean, where was the kid going to run? Have you ever seen any of these chases end with a bunch of guards standing around going, “Where the heck did he go? ... I dunno, did you check the bullpen?”

Hey, if the kid all of a sudden pulled off his clothes to reveal a security outfit and then blended in with those chasing him, then I would’ve tipped my cap to him. He doesn’t deserve to be caught if he’s that good.

Was he going to pull the old wrestling maneuver where the guy’s about to be pummeled and suddenly holds out his hand as a show of good sportsmanship? And then the other wrestler, who’s obviously shocked by this turn of events, looks to the audience to figure out what to do. Then even after everyone in the crowd tells him not to shake it, he does anyway, only to get kicked in the solar plexus (which I believe is the galaxy just past Neptune).

Again, that would’ve been cool. But all signs point to him being caught eventually. In fact, why chase him? If a rabbit gets loose on the field, the players just stand around and let the bunny figure out where to go. Maybe they make a few steps toward it, but they rarely break into a full, brow-glistening sprint. Unless the kid takes a seat in the middle of the field, his running could only have led to getting caught.

But one guard decided this was a good time to unleash “the tase.” Was it uncalled for?

First of all, this is Philly, so are you sure a taser was enough? We’re talking about the fans that booed Donovan McNabb, the same guy that took them to five NFC Championship games and one Super Bowl. Many of these fans use pepper spray as a food seasoning and a taser to get rid of back hair.

And secondly, this is Philly, if you think the fans are tough, look at the guards. They’re fans too. So picture the fans, now put them in a position of authority, perhaps with some sort of weapon you’d need to have registered.

So to close the book on this, the kid was all right with no lasting harm except maybe emotional, the creators of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” got some new material with which to work, and life in Philly can go back to normal with fans in the parking lot tasing each other just to get a rush.

It’s not that I think tasing should become the new “high five,” but there certainly are times when this is totally acceptable, such as: at a Justin Bieber concert; when a parking enforcement officer says, “well, I’ve already started writing the ticket;” on anyone who’s ever chanted “Drill, baby, drill!” that isn’t down in New Orleans as we speak helping to clean up the oil spill; to your friend who texts back in agreement just to say, “k;” on drivers that pull into an intersection to make a U-Turn, yet need a 5-point turn to accomplish this; on Verizon customer service representatives who seriously must get together at least once a week to decide what wrong information to dispense; on Wall Street executives (but that goes without saying); and, of course, on fans who run onto the field during games after calling their fathers to say they “might” do it and being told it wasn’t a good idea.

But that’s just me. What do I know? I poured some Mace® in my coffee this morning and might not be thinking right.