Wasif's World

With all the revealed steroid users picking and choosing their admissions and apologies for the public, and the constant cloud hanging over us that more will be revealed in the future, I decided that as a respected journalist (that is to say I once took a journalism class in college), I should verse myself in "athlete speak" to better understand what each athlete means when he comes before us looking for forgiveness or penance.

So I checked out "Webster's Athlete-to-English Dictionary" from the public library. Here are some translations I found that might help you get through the maze of performance-enhanced statements:

"I have used stuff given to me by my trainer. I never knew what it was." MEANS
"Sure, I took some mysterious substance that made my head grow three hat sizes, but I never imagined they could be steroids."

"I am so sorry." MEANS
"I should have been more careful about getting caught."

"I would not be surprised if I was on the list." MEANS
"I'm not too bright. I've been putting stuff in my body for years without knowing what it was."

"Look at my finger. See how it wags back and forth in a stern manner." MEANS
"I am using my finger as a metronome to count down the time until I am busted."

"I've made no excuses and will not make excuses. I did it and I'm sorry." MEANS
"The *@%* works!"

"I know that I've never had a problem with steroids." MEANS
"I shoot it up, it makes me strong. No problem."

"I will not talk about the past." MEANS
"I'm hoping we can start to talk about the past again when it's time to consider me for the Hall of Fame."

"Sure, I lied then, but I'm telling the truth now." MEANS
"Please buy my new book, 'Juiced,' on bookshelves now. I need the money."

"To be clear, I have never taken performance-enhancing drugs." MEANS
"I have been reading up on using Jedi mind tricks. Are you starting to believe me yet?"

"Do I look like I'm on steroids?!" MEANS
"Pay no attention to my giant head."

"Senator Mitchell is the perfect man to head the investigation into steroids." MEANS
"Senator Mitchell will investigate all Major League teams thoroughly ... that come from the New York metropolitan area."

"Seriously? I was on the list? I will look into that." MEANS
"I need a little bit of time to get my story straight." [In Palin-ese, this is translated to "Someone will have to feed me the answer later. I really don't know anything."]

"Everyone else is a liar. I am the only one telling the truth here." MEANS
"Jesus, just how many people did I have injecting me?!"

"It wasn't illegal at the time." MEANS
"Ha! Got you on a technicality."

"I wish the whole scandal would just go away." MEANS
"It's only a matter of time before I'm busted."

"He's got such a great work ethic. He trains harder than anyone." MEANS
"In hindsight, I should've realized his 8-hour-a-day workout sessions were probably unnatural."

"The system was flawed. Everyone was doing it." MEANS
"For the money I made, you would have more needles coming out of you than Freddy Krueger."

I hope this helps in your continuing quest to figure out what the heck these guys are thinking.