Wasif's World

Dear Cleveland,

I know you’re going through a tough time right now. After all the trials and tribulations of being a sports fan in that town, from John Elway’s drive to Earnest Byner’s fumble the next year to Michael Jordan’s shot over Craig Ehlo to Art Modell’s move to the Indians’ title drought, the last thing you needed was for your native son -- your native son-- to shun you.

I mean, Manny left and CC left, but they didn’t have the Erie lake water flowing through their veins. For once, all the stars aligned, i.e. you sucked at the right time, for you to draft not only a local kid, but “the Chosen One,” the greatest player of his generation.

But you had him for seven years. That’s something to be happy about, right? Put the knife down. C’mon, buck up, young Buckeyes. Things could be a whole lot worse.

It’s times like these where you should count your blessings, accentuate the positive. In with the good air, out with the bad. Here, I’ll help you:

First off, hey, as a state, you’ve got a professional football team that doesn’t have a convicted dog killer on the roster.

Sure, the Cleveland Indians haven’t won in a while, but they’re not the Cubs.

The Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame is really very cool. I mean, I’ve never been there, but you’ll never need to add a Steroid Wing to it like Cooperstown will.

Your state has THE Ohio State University! All those other pretender Ohio State Universities can’t compare to THE one that you have. You can take pride in that.

And speaking of Ohio State, imagine if you’d had the No. 1 pick when Greg Oden was available. Ooo-fa! Sucks to be Portland, right?

The Indians went to the World Series twice in the past 15 years! Even Toronto can’t say that!

You won an NFL Championship less than half a century ago. It would be considered a Super Bowl if they were calling them Super Bowls at that time.

You were awarded an NHL franchise. Awarded! That’s quite a prize. Omaha can’t say that! Nor can Billings, Montana or Mound City, Missouri.

What’s that? ... It was Columbus? ... Is there a difference? ... Oh, 142 miles. I see. So, what’s a two-hour drive among die-hard whatever-they’re-called fans?

The Browns won the Super Bowl! Do you hear me? The Browns won the Super Bowl! (Yes, they were playing in Baltimore at the time, but c’mon, they were made up of some Browns, weren’t they?)

Fine, no more Browns talk. I understand it’s still a sore subject.

Well, we all know that Cleveland is still the only place in the country to get that delicacy you guys have. Er, what’s that called? You know, the stuff that’s so good and unique to only you? ... Help me out here. Don’t you have any food that people flock to your city to eat? (Please don’t say it’s the Hard Rock Café.)

And lest we not forget about our other favorite son -- Drew Carey is hosting “The Price is Right!” Hmm? How about that?! Remember what his sitcom taught us -- Cleveland Rocks!

And isn’t Arsenio Hall from Cleveland as well? (Yeah, best not to mention that one.)

But Dean Martin was also from Steubenville, Ohio! The King of Cool, himself.

Oof, this is tough. Are you guys cheered up yet?

In baseball, you’re not Pittsburgh. In football, you’re not the Lions ... (though they do seem to have more promise). In basketball, you’re not Memphis. And in hockey, you’re not Columbus.

Oh, crap! That’s right, you ARE Columbus ... I forgot! Sorry. You’re not the Islanders.

So, you see Cleveland fans, there are so very, very, very many great things to be proud of supporting your fine city, the city that never ... that never ... er, raises its cholesterol. (I sense a bumper sticker there!)

Look at LeBron’s defection this way: The Cavs will probably get to draft No. 1 again real soon. Next time, just pick a guy from Jersey.

The University of North Dakota, it was ruled recently, has to give up its nickname of the Fighting Sioux and come up with one that’s not so, uh, confrontational – like the Genial Sioux, perhaps.

Evidently, there are two tribes, the Standing Rock Sioux and the Spirit Lake Sioux who have to approve of the nickname, as per NCAA regulations enacted in 2005. UND (is it really “und”?) is the last of the 19 schools with Indian mascots to come upon a resolution.

But what’s really wrong with the “fighting” Sioux? I mean, it’s not that bad of a stereotype. It’s not like we’re calling them the Miami Rafting Refugees, the Los Angeles Cheap Laborers, or the San Antonio Illegals.

There are fighting teams like the Irish and the Illini. They don’t have a problem with it. If anyone would have a problem with the derogatory stereotype of a name like “fighting,” it would be the Irish, don’t you think? It’s a pretty blatant stereotype. Though I suppose it’s better than the Drunkin’ Irish.

I can tell you, I know a thing or two about getting rid of your racist nicknames in favor of something more politically correct.

I went to Syracuse University. Its mascot was once a very valiant Saltine Warrior. Well, the Saltines complained and now we’re a piece of citrus.

SU changed it because the Saltine tribes in the surrounding areas found the name offensive. Then eventually, as retribution, along with a new name, they were given a cracker factory and the rest is lore steeped in salty goodness.

That’s quite a come down. Quite a come down, indeed; to go from the hypnotic, threatening rhythm of the tom tom to “Hey, don’t mess with us! We’re the mighty Orange! We’ll ... er, get citrus in your eye.”

At least Stanford has a tree! Ohio State – that is, THE Ohio State, excuse me (I don’t want you to be confused by those OTHER Ohio State Universities. What, are they worried about imposter universities popping up and getting all their booster money?) – has a nut! It’s still better than a piece of fruit, okay?

So that’s what you’re asking for, North Dakota. You’re looking at the University of North Dakota Farm-Grown Tomatoes. Or, in keeping with the farm theme, the UND Suckling Pigs. Hope you’re happy.

I suggest you just go the route of Miami and choose the predominant weather phenomenon. So that makes you the UND Snow. Not much you can do with it, but it’s certainly non-offensive.

You know, the odd thing is, it’s the Standing Rock Sioux who aren’t really fond of the nickname. The Spirit Lake Sioux like it. And why not? They show, well, spirit. They want a team who is out there battling and not just standing ... on a rock. Is that what you want, Standing Rock Sioux? The University of North Dakota Rock Standers? Would that make you happy?

There are other teams with Indian heritage such as the Florida State Seminoles and the Eastern West Virginia Casino Owners. That’s not a problem to them.

On the flip side, I admit that not offending anyone is tough. You never know what’s going to rile someone’s goat. (Or why they have a goat, for that matter. How often do they feed it? Do they need a permit for it?) And the fact is, very often, what one likes, another may hate. Like in the cases of Syracuse and North Dakota. Their fans differ from the fans of the Cleveland and the Atlanta baseball squads or the football squad from our nation’s capital.

Washington has no problem with the Redskins ... though bullets promote too much violence. How about wizards? Aren’t you afraid those complaining will cast a spell on you? (You’re playing with fire here, Washington!)

Fans of the University of Pennsylvania Quakers have no problem with their nickname, though if they did, they probably would protest peaceably. And USC and San Diego State (the Trojans and the Aztecs, respectively) needn’t worry because their mascots have long-since been killed off.

Some mascots are merely used to honor members of the community. Yale is a reward for most tax accountants to be represented. (What else would a guy named Eli do?) And Huskers, Sooners, Hoakies, guys named Jasper, Commodores, Mountaineers, and those from Iowa that are modeled after Alan Alda’s character in “M*A*S*H.”

Why complain when they’re showing how proud they are of you. I, for one, never understood the uproar over having a team named after you. I would be honored to support the Northern Vermont State Writing Wasifs. But that’s just me.

Let’s recap here: Naming a team is a difficult task. It must connote pride, history and toughness. It can be descriptive, vivid, animate or inanimate, but always lasting, for good or bad. You can choose a team, you get their mascot. Colors, natural disasters, animals, accountants and mythical creatures are suitable representations.

So, back to the issue at hand here – what kind of nickname does that leave for the formerly Fighting Sioux? Well, the state is 50th in tourism, I know that. My friends are quick to point out that Mount Rushmore is there. Nope, that’s South Dakota. Oh, and the Black Hills. Also, South Dakota. There’s that big biker fest up in -- Lemme stop you there. That’s in Sturgis ... which is in SOUTH Dakota.

OH! North Dakota has the fewest recorded earthquakes in the continental U.S. (Hm, you’d think tourists would want to visit there with the assurance they won’t be swallowed by the ground. And yet, Universal Studios Hollywood still attracts more visitors.) So it’s got that going for it.

There you go, so it’ll either be the University of North Dakota Not South Dakotans or the University of North Dakota Terra Firmas. You’ve got your choices, UND. Choose wisely.