Wasif's World

I have an awful sense of justice. That is to say, it’s not that I don’t know right from wrong or have a sense of fairness, but I claim an impish streak, one of mischievousness.

And the battle taking place in Dodgertown right now is just too good to resist. The team owner Frank McCourt is going through a divorce with his wife and former CEO of the team, Jamie McCourt.

Of course, he fired her. Do you suppose she stole a bunch of pens before she could be escorted out? Oh, what I wouldn’t have given to be a fly on the wall of that exchange. Did it come at a very public lunch spot?

“(to waiter) Yes, I’d like a little more wine, thank you. (to Jamie) How’s your salmon? Good? ... I’m glad ... I want a divorce. Oh, and you have till 5 to clean out your desk ... Are you going to eat your garlic crostini?”

Now as property gets split in any good marital pillaging, Jamie claims she still owns the team even though they signed a post-nuptial agreement naming him sole owner. I guess “sole owner” doesn’t prevent other sole owners??? Or maybe she took it to mean that he owned the soles of all the players’ footwear.

So if someone doesn’t sell their right to the team (assuming she is given the partial ownership she claims), they both may be stuck with each other. If I’m the judge, I’m voting for joint custody, 50/50, right down the heart of the strike zone. That's my sense of justice.

That will make for some fun situations:

Frank McCourt: You signed our utility infielder to a 3-year, $30 million deal?!
Jamie McCourt: I asked him what he wanted.
Frank McCourt: The guy’s batting .212 and he plays an inning a game!
Jamie McCourt: But did you see how he fills out those pants? Me-ow!

Or maybe you’ll hear Vin Scully announcing the game one evening, “And the Dodgers take the field on this beautiful Southern California night; temperatures hovering around 70 degrees. Tonight the Dodgers unveil their new uniforms. In place of the player’s names, it says, “Jamie McCourt is a raving bitch” across the back. Russell Martin throws Clayton Kershaw’s final warm-up pitch down to second and we’re ready to go.”

Or one night Manny isn’t on the field because Jamie needed him to help her move some furniture around one of her homes.

Pretty soon they’re each giving Joe Torre different advice on who to pencil into the lineup card that night.

Let’s just aim those TV cameras at the owners’ box all game long, just to get a glint of the contempt they’ll be exhibiting for each other.

But it could actually lead back to love. Y’know, like in the movies where the two leads hate each other, but then their passion turns to love by the end.

Sandra Bullock, coming off a star turn in another sports movie, could play Jamie and perhaps we could re-team her with Hugh Grant and turn Frank into a British gentleman, like they did in "Two Weeks Notice."

“You are the most selfish, disrespectful man in baseball.”
“Don’t be silly ... have you met everyone in baseball?”

I smell a People’s Choice Award.

The Dodgers continue to cut payroll, all the while McCourt says his personal troubles will not affect the team. He says he’s not really worth that much. “I’m but a pauper,” he says.

At the same time, Jamie’s asking for almost a million dollars a month for expenses. Even Dr. Evil would think that’s a little exorbitant. But she needs to keep up the mortgage payments on her six homes and one condominium. Evidently, she needs all of these. (Some people can’t sleep without their favorite pillow. This woman can’t sleep without six homes and one condo.)

But she contends that Frank can easily afford this as he has billions stuffed in one of his mattresses, not the paltry millions he says he’s valued at. Regardless of how much he has, until Jamie is able to close out games, I don’t think she deserves millions a month.

Well, this is going to play out in front of all fans of Los Doyers. Only time will tell if he actually has the money or doesn’t. It should be easy enough to see – if players start wearing cleats from Payless Shoes; if ushers start asking fans to return any foul balls caught in the stands; if the concession stands start serving unpopped popcorn; if you have to share your Nacho cheese with your neighbor; if fans have to bring their own flashlights during night games to be able to see; and if, instead of Dodger Dogs, they’ll serve cocktail weenies in a blanket.

Forget “Real Housewives of Orange County,” how about “Real Divorcees of the Los Angeles Dodgers?” It might be the most compelling thing coming from the ballpark this season.

There have been rumors floating around recently that Major League Baseball, in an effort to maintain a competitive balance, is considering floating realignment which, as I understand it, will rotate the teams in each division based on a number of factors.

Now, as much as I think the competitive balance is fine -- all six pro teams like Boston, New York, Philly, Los Angeles, Chicago have a legitimate chance to win every year, and if they can't, they have no trouble grabbing a player midseason from one of the 24 farm clubs out there, such as Pittsburgh or Kansas City -- I decided to look into this.

So I got a hold of the proposal from league offices. These aren't the final plans, mind you, just a version considered by the think tank that is the mail room staff at MLB in NYC, but it seems to make a lot of sense. And the theory behind the plan is quite simple.

Here, let me explain in layman's terms (as I am a layman much as my father was a layman before me and his father was a layman before him and his father's father before him was a blacksmith) the rules of realignment:

First off, the Yankees will be in their own division; the Red Sox will as well. The Red Sox will still be in the AL East, but the Yankees will move to the AL Not-Quite-As-Far-East.

The Pirates will be moved to the International League in Triple A and will be the farm system of the Phillies. The Phillies will be the farm system of the Mets.

Detroit will be in the new AL South Division every other year and the rest of the time, it will be in the Western Division of Major League Soccer.

Depending on record, the best team in the NL Central will play in the AL West the next year and the winner of the AL West will get a year off.

Both Chicago teams will play in a league that only faces both Los Angeles teams and both New York teams.

The Texas Rangers will align back to Washington and the Washington Nationals will realign back to Montreal.

Los Angeles and San Francisco will switch places.

Kansas City and St. Louis will compete in the new "Baby Back" Division. Pitchers on their teams will be able to use barbecue sauce in lieu of the rosin bag during games.

Expansion teams will be in a division all their own, but will need to be contracted. After contraction, baseball will introduce these teams as new expansion teams.

Some divisions will not be set until the season is underway. For instance, the last team to win ten games will realign into the same division as the first team to reach 30 wins.

All teams with animals, reptiles, birds and fish will be in one division while teams named with colors or geographical land masses are to be in another.

Teams with Cuban defectors on their active rosters are put in the Cuban division.

Cursed teams, likewise, are put there. This division will not be eligible for the playoffs ... or food rations ... or toilet paper. They must live in squalor.

Teams with offensive mascots such as the Indians and the Braves must play in their own division. They will be allowed to open and operate casinos at their stadiums, however.

Should a team have three rainouts in the first month of the season, it will be realigned to a sunnier division.

And finally, as payroll is a constant issue among competing teams, the highest salaried teams will be scheduled to play each other 100 times a year and will play the remaining teams twice a year.

If this passes (and I gotta tell you, at first glance, it makes a lot of sense) I predict we'll see some much more exciting baseball, especially during the playoffs ... except for the teams in the Cuban division, but that's only common sense.

I found it ironic on Sunday that I, being a Boston fan, would have a funeral to attend just after the Red Sox lost to the Angels. The service was solely for a dear family friend, but my thoughts stole away from her for a moment to grieve briefly for Boston’s Olde Towne Teame (the extra “e” is for excitement).

It’s what we, as Red Sox fans, do. The team dictates our moods, our actions, our prayers. We are a passionate (READ: obsessed) fan base. And in one 24-hour span, the two fan bases generally regarded as the most knowledgeable saw their seasons come to an end at the hands of Southern California teams. St. Louis and its more belligerent, yet equally intelligent brethren, Boston, were forced to put their rally caps and replica jerseys in the closet for another year.

For they had ceded victory to a region that doesn’t get a lot of recognition as one that has great fans. But this is not to diminish their fanliness or bring into question their fanhood. On the contrary, they are their own kind of fans, dedicated in their own way, focused in a manner uniquely West Coastian.

Certainly to the rest of the population consisting of Tomahawk-chopping Braves fans, Homer Hankie-having Twinsies, not-showing-up Marlins fans, et al., the dance card is filled with teams that aren’t deserving. But fanatics of the Los Angeles Dodgers and the Near-But-Not-Actually-In-Los Angeles Angels contend that their reasoning is both near-sighted and myopic without being the least bit redundant.

But is it? I mean, if baseball games started in the third inning and ended in the seventh, they might have a case. Or if the term “true fan” meant someone who rooted for their teams only when they were doing well, they would certainly enter the discussion. But for now, that’s not the case. However, those sterotypes may be unfairly attributed to these fans as a consequence of many of them being Lakers fans.

With that said, let’s meet the fans that will be rooting on their teams in their respective league championship series this coming week:

Los Angeles Dodgers
In the National League, there are few teams that have as great a history as the former Robins of Brooklyn. Outside of the Giants and Cubbies, no team has won more games. And they’ve been to the postseason more than anyone except their former cross town rivals, Los Yanquis, having won the most pennants in the National League.

Fans of “Los Doyers” are the most true blue, literally. They “bleed Dodger blue” and not only because of a congenital condition that changes the color of their hemoglobin. The fact that they are routinely late to the games is simply due to traffic and the logistical nightmare they have trying to cram 50,000 fans all driving alone to the ballpark up one road alongside a mountain.

Of course, one of the most famous shots in the history of baseball came in the 1988 World Series by their hero Kirk Gibson. Arguably, the most memorable visual of that moment came of the cars in the parking lot trying to beat the traffic home screeching on their brakes when they heard the radio broadcast announce that Gibson won the game on a home run.

Some might say this enhanced their reputation as bad fans, but could you really blame them? The game was out of reach going into the bottom of the ninth as the A’s held a seemingly insurmountable one-run lead.

Philadelphia Phillies
These guys are hardened. They were the first fans to endure their team losing 10,000 games. And they got blown out in 9,500 of them. Each one of those has stayed with them and added to the resentment of all those other teams that won. Until last year, they were the most futile city with a team in all four major professional sports, having gone without any championship for a quarter century since Dr. J cured those loser blues.

It’s taken its toll, however. These fans from the “City of Brotherly Love” will throw rocks at Santa Claus; they’ll cheer when opposing players get injured; they’ll even punch a nun in the face if she’s going for the same foul ball as they are.

A trivial side note is that one of the cities delicacies is called “scrapple.” This is the stuff that isn’t deemed worthy enough for hot dogs. And they eat that. A lot of that. (I’d repeat that for you, but I’m too busy inducing vomiting.)

So keep that in mind and treat them with kid gloves. After all, with all the scrapple and cheesesteaks they eat, they don’t have long to live. It’s science.

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
The team that switches its locator name every several years, the Angels, is the youngest team at this party. They’ve only been playing for 49 years. And their fans have only been watching them play for seven.

It was in mid-2002 that this breed of fan was discovered. Before then, if you went to a game at the “Big A,” their fans were the needle to the visiting teams’ fans’ haystack. Even Hall of Famer Rod Carew played some games for them wearing his Twins cap.

But then Mike Scoscia’s boys got hot and people started showing up. Still, they weren’t sure of fan etiquette. Fairly new to this sport of baseball, the Orange County residents looked for guidance on when and how hard to cheer. That guidance came in the form of a monkey. Not just any monkey, mind you, a rally monkey. And not just any rally monkey, but a celebrity rally monkey. They hired Katie the



Monkey, (who is on the Internet Movie Database. Look it up.) with a resume that included a role on “Friends” as Ross’ simian friend Marcel, and, most famously, as the ebola monkey from “Outbreak.”

So they’re taken cheering advice from her because they don’t want to get sick. Incidentally, unlike Dodgers fans, Angels fans are late to the games because they still aren’t sure when the games start.

New York Yankees
What can be said about these fans that hasn’t been graphitized on their stadium’s walls? Strangely enough, they’ve had the opposite history of the Phillies yet end up in the same place; they’ve won so much that they are also angry. They are also an entitled bunch.

Anything short of a championship is a complete and abject failure, which they’re getting used to. They continue to make the most of it, however, by opening their purse strings and snatching up whichever free agent has the best stats the previous season. And yet with a half billion dollars on their payroll for the next few years, they’ll continue to defend any accusations of “buying championships.”

As Anaheim wavers about their name, Yankees fans, too, are confused. Is it because they haven’t succeeded in winning any championships lately? They’re having a crisis of confidence and need you to lend them a sympathetic ear. I’m not talking about letting them suckle from your teat, but let them gloat. It’s what they do best, when they’re not bashing on A-Rod. And they have gone so long without something about which to gloat.

(If you’re hoping to attend a game at Yankee Stadium, by the way, you should know that great seats are still available and probably will be available through Games One and Two of the ALCS. They’re directly behind home plate and evidently, from the looks of things during the recently transpired ALDS, are being kept empty just in the event you decide you want to take in a playoff game there.)

So strap yourself in for a fantastic fortnight of baseball as we narrow down the contestants, and subsequently the fans, to one from the American League and one from the National League. It will be a Freeway Series, I say, thus marking the first time in history that the World Series games will start in the third inning.