Wasif's World

Ho! Ho! Ho! (Do you always equate that phrase with Santa Claus or are you like me and follow those words placed adjacent to one another in quick succession with the phrase “Green Giant?” Just wondering.)

As the yuletide season descends upon us, complete with bowl blowouts, playoff pushes and foot fetishes, I’ve managed to get a sneak peek at Jolly Ol’ Saint Nick’s bag o’ gifts for those sports figures we know so well that have been nice, and for some who have been naughty. (Damn liberals always have to make sure no one’s left out.)

So now without any further ado, I present to you the 2010 Christmas list for members of the sports world:

To Randy Moss, a Bill Belichick blow-up doll for him to have on hand when he can’t get the real thing.

To Michael Vick, a Snoopy stuffed animal. (You gotta start slow, Michael. Start slow.)

To Barry Bonds, a little more free time before he’s thrown in jail on perjury charges.

To the New York Yankees, Derek Jeter at shortstop for another three years. I’m sure you’ll be very happy together. Hahahahahahahahaha!

To Rob Ryan, a giant Rex Ryan wig to cover Rex Ryan’s ego.

To Rex Ryan, a pedicure, so he can enjoy his own feet without so much attention being paid to his personal activities.

To Mark Sanchez, an offensive touchdown.

To LeBron, a trip to the Eastern Conference semifinals with your new team ... and another loss there, just like with your old team.

To Carmelo, a team on the East Coast. (Might I suggest Syracuse? You’d still have three years remaining, wouldn’t you?)

To the New York Knicks, a trip back to relevance, but still no championship.

To the New Jersey Nets, four future first-round draft picks that still won't get you Carmelo.

To Eli Manning, sliding lessons.

To Vince Young, a new coach, a new team and a new attitude.

To David Stern, the intelligence and guts to contract eight teams so that your sport will be enjoyable again for all cities again and not just the four cities that have a legitimate shot at winning a championship.

To Brett Favre, a rocking chair ... with arm and leg straps on it to keep him in it.

To the New Orleans Saints, the “S” placed back at the beginning of their name after decades of futility. (That one arrived early thanks to Air Favre’s shipping service.)

To Cam Newton, a better business manager than his father.

To Greg Oden, an NBA career ... maybe, someday.

To the Portland Trail Blazers -- another chance to pick Kevin Durant instead.

To Yao Ming, new legs.

To Allen Iverson, “The Answer” -- and that is ... retire.

To Cortland Finnegan, some humble pie.

To the Metrodome, a better balloon roof.

To Shaquille O’Neal, a.k.a. "Tip-In O’Neal" or "The Big Shamrock," a final ring with Boston, giving him as many as Kobe, and enshrinement in the Great Personalities of Sports Hall of Fame.

To Donovan McNabb, some respect and a starting job for a full season with a new team.

To Tom Brady ... nothing. You have everything already ... All right, you win. Another Super Bowl ring!

To TCU, a big hug. It’s a small consolation, but the best I could do.

To Peyton Manning, some personnel consistency, fer cryin’ out loud!

To “The T.Ocho Show,” a second season, this time in the jungles of Africa mixing “Survivor”-type excitement with you two talking for a half-hour.

To the UConn Lady Huskies, a loss already, it’s getting boring.

To Geno Auriemma, some updated stereotypes about women.

To Brian Wilson, anything you want. Quite frankly, you frighten Santa.

To Jerry Jones, a team in the Super Bowl! (In other words, one share of stock in the Atlanta Falcons.)

To Tiger Woods, just a little bit of the mojo you used to have.

To Coach John Wooden, a team in heaven.

Enjoy your presents, everyone! And may I wish all of you a very happy and healthy holiday season. Thanks for reading and see you in the 2011, for a full slate of major league baseball and ... well, with labor disagreement looming, that’s about it! Ho Ho Ho! Green Giant!

Let’s take a step back to look at the NFL in this the lead-up to the Super Bowl.

In a league where job security is as improbable as Heidi Montag making it a week without plastic surgery, Tom Cable and Norv Turner both will return next year to once again lead their respective teams to early offseasons. Congratulations, fellas!

Now, I’d like to address one of my fans, someone calling himself “swyner,” who wrote to me after my previous piece, “Your an idiot … This guy Brett is a superstar and the Vikings are the best team in football.”

Don’t you hate it when the “best team in football” gets beaten by those lesser teams? And I appreciate your observation, “swyner,” but you didn’t tell me what, of mine, is an idiot. You left out a few words. Did you mean to say “Your financial advisor is an idiot?” “Your parolee neighbor is an idiot?” Using the possessive “your” necessitates a conclusion to the noun phrase you’re attempting. Hey, I’m always here to help my readers.

Now on to pressing matters – Did anyone think Brett was not going to throw the ball to the other team? It’s what he does. Strong arm, tough player, not a great decision-maker. When you see the sun come up day after day, you kinda come to expect it.

That said, we should look at this objectively; Brett Favre is a Hall-of-Famer. He makes plays other quarterbacks not in the Hall of Fame can’t or couldn't. (He also makes plays quarterbacks who are in the Hall of Fame didn’t or wouldn’t. And that’s why we’re even having this discussion.) He’s still one of the greatest of all-time and the prefix “Hall-of-Famer” will never be withdrawn from his name.

As much as I joked about revoking his status due to blowing Super Bowl berths (now twice), he doesn’t deserve that ... though he has exactly as many rings as Brad Johnson does.

On the flip side, I heard someone refer to Philip Rivers as a “future Hall-of-Famer” the other day. Now that commentator should have his credentials rescinded.

Brett told Chris Mortensen, by the way, that it’s “highly unlikely” he’ll return next season. Uh, yeah, is there anyone buying that one?
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We’re going to be deluged by “experts” making their game predictions this next week. Half (approximately) will say one thing, the other half will say another. So either way, a large percentage of them will be wrong. How about we stop calling them experts please?

If you went to a doctor, an expert in the medical profession, and he said you had a hernia; then you got a second opinion from a doctor that said you actually only had hiccups, you probably wouldn’t consider one of them an “expert” anymore.
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Around this time, people take a moment to reflect upon recent Super Bowls and that will inevitably bring up the belief by some that Bill Belichick’s teams didn’t deserve to win because he “cheated.”

I love how the legend of this grows every day. It’s to the point where the story is that Belichick himself was on the sidelines of the other team’s closed practice with a camera. I think he even asked Andy Reid to have the players run through a play a second time just so he could shoot it from another angle.

The man is a genius, after all. He was so smart that he showed his team all these video tapes (that he took himself) and told his team not to beat the opponents too badly so no one would suspect their illegalities.

And that’s why Brady and his Bunch won each contest by only three points, including two with last-minute field goals. That was all part of Belichick’s master stroke. With the footage he had, including one shot through the keyhole of Donovan McNabb’s hotel room as the quarterback admired himself in the mirror, the Patriots could’ve won by 80 points easily, but that would’ve tipped people off to foul play.
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I really don’t care who wins this year as I have no fish in the tank, so to speak, no spice in the soup, no gun in the locker room, no ... okay, you get the point. I just want to see a good, clean game. Last year’s contest, though exciting, was still marred by controversy.

After driving the length of the field, the Steelers left the Cardinals with very little time for Kurt Warner to do a little magic of his own. But that should not have meant the game was over.

Holmes, after making a great catch in the corner of the end zone, used the ball as a prop in an effort to celebrate. Excessive celebration, 15-yard penalty. (Another one of the rules that probably shouldn’t be a rule, but it is.) However, it wasn’t called. Whoa! Why make a rule if you’re not going to enforce it? That’s like saying, “Intentional grounding, but y’know what? We’re just gonna let it slide this once. First down and 10!”

It would’ve pushed the kickoff back 15 yards, presumably giving the Cardinals better field position with which to work.

Then, after a few plays, Warner fumbled the ball in what was clearly not a fumble. But since there was less than two minutes remaining, it was an automatic booth review. (I understood why they called it a fumble, so there would be something to review. If it wasn’t called a fumble, then there’d be nothing to review.) So let’s just go up to the --- huzzah what now? The Steelers are being given the ball?!

What part of automatic booth review do you not understand? Did the booth guys go home? Were they relieving themselves after four quarters of large Miller Genuine Drafts? Or were they just Steelers fans?

I’m not saying the Cardinals would’ve won, but with Kurt Warner and Larry Fitzgerald on their team, there’s no better finish I would’ve liked to see. And I’m still waiting for the league to pick up with that game. Perhaps they could play that last minute as the pre-game next Sunday.
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My early prediction for Super Bowl XLIV, before I've pored through the myriad statistics and listened to the experts, is for either the Saints or the Colts to prevail. Though I wouldn’t put it past Belichick to find a way to somehow steal the crown from both teams. He is, after all, a diabolical supergenius who must have something up his sleeve.

As I watched another Baltimore Raven get whistled for a penalty simply for looking at an opposing player wrong, and longing for the days of actual football instead of the Jim Irsay “no touchies” rules, I pondered where my allegiances lay.

My New England Patriots are out, much to the delight of fans of teams who haven’t won in a while ... or ever, which is understandable as you take the position of Let Someone Else Have a Chance. But there are other positions one can take this dilemma.

In Brotherhood Always

One person ventured to guess that I’d be rooting for the J-E-T-S because they were fellow AFC East gladiators. Yeah, I’ve heard that logic before, but I’m not a tree-hugging hippy. If the Jets were banished from the division or the league, I wouldn’t feel too bad.

You get the sense that the only reason they spell out their name is for practice like a child (or Kelly Bundy, perhaps) spells out C-A-T. And do their fans deserve any sort of success? I mean, they boo players at the draft; guys who haven’t even played one down for them yet. Oooof!

So no on the Jets.

The Enemy of Your Enemy is Your Friend

It’s a good policy during wartime and every week in the NFL is wartime. However, it’s vague in football since your team has so many enemies.

If the Colts are playing the Jets, then shouldn’t I root for the Colts? First off, they’re more of a threat to New England’s standing than are any AFC East rivals. Plus, they’ve played each other once a year consistently now for a long time, almost like an honorary Grudge Bowl.

And please refer back to the first paragraph where I’m still upset the rules were changed at the endorsement of Jim Irsay and ratified by other owners to prevent actual touching in this men’s professional league. A blog for another time would be to analyze the success of the Colts offense minus all the pass interference penalties of which they are the beneficiaries. How much of their net yardage comes from these, once rare, now abundant, calls?

No on the Colts. I hope that game ends in a double forfeit.

Root for the Team that Beat Your Team

I was obviously rooting for the Ravens, right? I mean, Boston is the team that invented the “Beat LA” chant when it became clear the 76ers were going to be the ones to take on the Lakers in the championship series during the early 80s. It’s a way to say, “Hey, at least we lost to the eventual champs.”

But the odds were against these Ravens because they actually hit people and, as we now know, hitters never win, and winners never hit in this NFL. (The rule says nothing about puns, however.)

No, I didn’t root for the Ravens ... and I’m glad.

They’ve Earned It

The San Diego SuperChargers have earned it, haven’t they? They’ve come close the past couple of years and been snake-bitten each time. But there’s probably a reason for that. Norv Turner is their coach. It’s hard to get behind a team with Norv Turner as the coach. I believe that Jerry Rice once referred to Turner as the worst coach he’s ever had. That’s from the greatest receiver in NFL history, so I’m going to side with him.

But don’t let that stop you from offering the man a three-year contract extension, San Diego. That’s just good business.

No thanks on the Chargers. I don’t want to be a two-time loser this postseason after my Patriots already lost.

No Connection to My Team

Arizona was a good choice, if only because there’s no connection between that team and mine. Plus, I don’t know any Arizona fans so there would be no one to rub it in should they win. That’s always a selling point.

Come to think of it, are there any Arizona fans? Hmm ... I could be the only one.

Nah, I couldn’t handle the pressure. No, on Arizona.

Individual Dislikes

I dislike Brett Favre. There, I said it. I may be the only one who thinks he’s overrated. Plus, I still hold it against him for causing the Pats to lose the Super Bowl. I’m not talking about Super Bowl XXXI either, as the Packers deserved that win, but the Big Dance in 2008.

In the NFC Championship game against the Giants, this “game-changer” decides to hurt the ball into the air, to no one in particular, in a driving wind during overtime. They should’ve revoked his Hall-of-Fame status right there. The interception allowed the Giants, a team that could beat the Pats to do just that. Thanks, Brett Fav-rah.

No, on the Vikings.

Team Dislikes

There’s a saying in football that’s as old as the hills and it goes like this – “I hate the Cowboys.”

So, no on the Cowboys.

Pity

How ‘bout ‘dem Saints? Anyone rooting against these people has no soul. Their city was washed away for crissakes! Hurricanes almost ripped apart their stadium. Their fans were forced to become refugees. They deserve something good.

Pity is always a driving factor in building allegiances. Schadenfreude is usually employed to choose who to root against. It’s the practice of wishing something bad happens to a team rather than something good. You might know it better by its street name – being a Hater.

Well, the Saints provide you with reason to root for a team rather than against. They’re this year’s feel-good bunch.

At the risk of alienating this fan base with my run of recent fan luck, this is a team I can get behind ... or not. I really am just watching as a time-waster before the upcoming draft.

It’s been an interesting week in the world of sports:

The NBA has decided it will lockout the referees in, what is obviously, its one chance to get consistent and sensible whistles for the first time in a long time. Though my question is, will they still be allowed to bet on the games?

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Eric “the Snitch” Mangini got dinged for cheating when he was found to have not reported Brett Favre’s torn biceps tendon last season. We all know what happens now – the Patriots are given the Browns' first-round draft pick for next year.

Seriously, though, I give [insert your favorite derogatory nickname for Mangini here] ten years in Cleveland. Not because I think he’s a good coach who will do wonders for them ... I just think that’s a fitting punishment for his actions.

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John McEnroe never scared me. When he yelled at the umpires or line judges or hotel concierges after his matches, I was entertained. “What’s he going to do next?” I thought while glued to my television set, popcorn in hand.

When Serena Williams yelled at that line judge during her semifinal match against Kim Clijsters, I was afraid for my life. I don’t even want to tell you what I did to my popcorn. I thought she was going to squish the tennis ball in her hands. (Never a good image to try to woo a man, Serena.)

At least she was fined $500 for racket abuse. If PETA protects the rights of animals, which organization protects the rights of rackets?

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Tom Brady got back on the field last week to lead the Patriots to victory. He added a new aspect to his game – the run. He’s always been pretty lead-footed, but the way he rumbled down the field dragging Suzy Kolber behind him, Tom proved to all New England fans and the NFL that he is back with a capital “B”!

Now, his next test is Week 8 when Michelle Tafoya will be on the sidelines.

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Also, in the Patriots-Bills contest, the NFL had the first implementation of its new “don’t touch the quarterback” rule (a.k.a. the “Grogan Rule”) when Adalius Thomas was cited for tackling Trent Edwards. Commissioner Goodell backed up the ruling when he said, “Football is not a sport to be violent. That’s not what we’re promoting here.”

Adalius will appeal the suspension. When told of this, Goodell said, “Have him try it and I’ll knock his block clean off.”

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And finally for now, Roger Federer, the world’s most unflappable tennis player, showed he was, in fact, flappable when he yelled at the chair umpire. “When I want to talk, I’ll talk, okay?” said the product from politically-genial Switzerland.

I wanted him to bust out the old classic, “Do you have any idea who I am?! I’m Roger 15-time major champion [expletive deleted] Federer, who the [heck] are you?! ... Tiger, come over here and tell this piece of [poop] who I am ... Do you know who the [heck] this guy is?! He’s Tiger [expletive deleted] Woods.” And so on and so forth.

Ah, what a country. From the Grammy’s to the floor of Congress to Flushing Meadows, everyone’s, to use a term popular with President Obama, “a jackass.”

Another weekend of outbursts and silliness lies ahead. Enjoy!

Schism
noun [skiz-uh m]
division of disunion, especially into mutually opposed parties

It's a brand new world out there in the field of sports. Sports management majors will now have to add "schism-nomics" to their core curriculum. "Schism" will be the next moderately popular rap song by the next linebacker who moonlights as a rapper during the offseason. Esteban Ochocinco is already in talks to market a cologne based on his sweat named "Schism."

It all started when the Minnesota Vikings decided to turn what may have been their version of the "Wildcat" offense into a "Cougar" offense by signing an over-the-hill Brett Favre. (We'll save the "He's still got it" debate until after he throws 30 passes in a game without his arm falling off.)

So half the team wanted Sage Rosenfels to land the job as starting quarterback and the other half wanted it to be Tavaris Jackson. And that means everyone will be disappointed because it will be Brett Favre until he gets injured.

That's a schism.

Okay, I got that. But what else constitutes a schism?

A.J. Burnett, pitcher para Los Yanquis de Nueva York (I am contractually obligated to include our DeportesFanLive readers in this post), and his catcher, George Posada (I am also required to include our usual readers), have had words because Burnett doesn't like the pitches that Posada is calling for. Is that a tiff? A quarrel? A row? A falling-out? At what point does it escalate into a schism?

And Louisville basketball coach and dirt bag Rick Pitino? Is he at schism-level with Karen Sypher? He's probably beyond that with her, but what about with the University of Louisville? They've made their point abundantly clear -- win games and we don't care what you do. However, I think other schools who have canceled his speaking engagements are involved in a schism with him.

What of Michael Vick? He had entered Schismcom 5 with PETA, but has since been downgraded to orange on the Schism-alert system. Though there's always the possibility of a surge in schismatics. The NAACP was there to support him last night in Philadelpha in the event of protesters. That could cause a schism since it seems to be making a race issue out of it. Had protesters had a problem with Michael Vick's being black, then the NAACP would have had the responsibility to step in. But they just hated him because he killed dogs. Perhaps the NAADK's (National Association of American Dog Killers) would've been a better group to counter animal rights activists.

Anyway, President Obama already forced that schism by taking on Cambridge Police Officer Whitey in order to protect his friend Professor Blackguy. Though nothing came out of the Vick return, so there's probably no schism there.

Nick Green, the backup shortstop for the Boston Red Sox, pitched two innings of relief last night against the Chicago White Sox. Was that a schism?

Rachel Nichols reported for ESPN that Plaxico Burress would be starting his jail term soon. Then she kicked her report back to the studio. How about that being a schism?

Average guy Joe Phillies Fan told his friend Bob Phillies Fan that he couldn't watch the game with him last night as he had to take his daughter to ballet class. Schism?

I hope this has helped you understand just what a schism is and how it plays into the daily world of sports. Have a schismtastic weekend, everyone!