Wasif's World

Boy, it went by so fast, didn’t it? The Patriots, only two weeks ago christened to be the winners of Super Bowl XLV, now have been announced dead on arrival by the pens and microphones of both regional and national stages.

Yes, the odds may have, to the uninformed observer, seemed great as Tom Terrific was coming back from major knee surgery, but c’mon, the way they do knee surgery nowadays, it might as well be a little dental work. He’d pick up right where he left off, without a doubt.

He’s no mere mortal, you know. Could a mere mortal have won the affections of the world’s number one supermodel? Could you, fat guy dribbling chocolate on his computer keyboard?

No! Only Tommy Tremendous could. And he would be back to actually improve on what was his record-shattering season back in 2007.

Alas, he tried, but couldn’t find his touch. The team played hard, but it wasn’t enough. Before Ochocinco could do another choreographed "Lambeau Leap," it was over.

I didn’t even know Commissioner Roger Goodell had shortened the NFL season to two games. I thought he was talking about making it longer. I mean, I suppose a shorter season makes the most sense to do. When the supply is less, the demand would be greater. So you’ll have the best ratings ever. A great, big Guinness “Brilliant!” to you, sir.

I kept expecting the Patriots to play more games, but listening to national commentators and local Boston mouthpieces and fans, though, got it to sink in – the Patriots woeful season is done.

Rightfully so, for they just didn’t have it this year. They couldn’t get the ball in the end zone. Only three touchdowns in eight red zone trips? What is that?! They just looked out of sorts. They ended their season at .500, but could easily have been winless.

(I love that phrase, “but they could easily have been 0-2.” Sure, if they didn’t win a game, they’d be 0-2. I could easily have made the NBA had I been able to run, jump, shoot and wasn’t of average height.)

Y’know it’s funny, if this was 2001, when they started 0-2 and were bringing in a second-year, former sixth-round draft pick to take over their lifeless offense when their starting quarterback went down, they might have had a shot to win it all. It’s a good thing teams were allowed to play all 16 games back then. That's not the case nowadays.

Yep, by 2009, they really set their hopes up high. Being the best team in football the last time Brady played a full season while going undefeated meant that anything short of that would be a complete failure. Other teams certainly don’t have to live up to that monumental cross.

The Panthers? They’re 0-2, but coming off a berth in the NFC Championship game. They’ll be okay – once Delhomme cuts down his mistakes from six picks a game to four.

The Cowboys? They have the same 1-1 record as the Patriots. Why have they not been eliminated yet as well? Well, they’re the Cowboys and they have a shiny, new stadium with a 400-ton television monitor waiting for just the right moment to drop on Terrell Owens when Buffalo comes to town.

How about the Titans? C’mon, they won like a dozen games in a row last year. They can turn it on at any time. The Patriots are so far removed from that type of dominance. It’s been two years since they embarked on a win streak of such proportions. New England is no Tennessee.

Perhaps Detroit? You can’t look poorly upon the Lions. They have far exceeded expectations! They’ve scored 40 points this year . . . in only two games! That’s more than the Patriots scored.

The Lions are used to being at the bottom. They look good at the bottom. They are kings of the bottom. But the Patriots belong on the top and if they can't be there, well . . .

Look how far they've fallen. It’s pathetic really. They didn’t have their best defensive player (Jerod Mayo) and most productive receiver (Wes Welker) and they still couldn’t win? That’s using injuries as a crutch. They’re the Patriots with Tom Touchdown! They were supposed to win with their practice squad players.

Plus, Belichick is always one step ahead. That’s why he traded Richard Seymour away. Too bad the defense was never given a chance to gel with their perennial Pro-Bowler gone before the team was eliminated from any sort of contention. Too bad Tom Brady wasn’t allowed to get his rhythm back, especially with two receivers he just met a few months ago in Joey Galloway and rookie Julian Edelman. Too bad Belichick went from being a genius to someone who was outcoached by a rookie head coach. That’s too many “too bads” for one team to recover.

But the Browns have no offense to speak of, doesn’t that merit a “too bad?” Nope. They’re the Browns. It’s par for the course.

But the Raiders have JaMarcus Russell, the worst quarterback in league history (sorry, Ryan Leaf, you can’t even win that honor). They wasted a No. 1 pick on him. Isn’t that worthy of a “too bad?” Have you not been paying attention to the Raiders in the last five years? No “too bad” for them.

Only the Patriots who, like Marlon Brando, coulda been a contendah earn sympathy from those commentators and reporters that have witnessed their demise and broadcast it to me.

I just wish they had some time to turn it around. Like that time Tom Jackson told us how much the Patriots hated their coach after losing to the Buffalo Bills in the first week of 2003, only to come back and win the Super Bowl that year giving that coach they "hated" bear hugs till he couldn't breathe.

Sadly, as the media has deemed it so, the wheels are off the bus, the glaze has been removed from the donuts, the Pabst has lost its blue ribbon.

Well, there’s always next year.

It’s been an interesting week in the world of sports:

The NBA has decided it will lockout the referees in, what is obviously, its one chance to get consistent and sensible whistles for the first time in a long time. Though my question is, will they still be allowed to bet on the games?

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Eric “the Snitch” Mangini got dinged for cheating when he was found to have not reported Brett Favre’s torn biceps tendon last season. We all know what happens now – the Patriots are given the Browns' first-round draft pick for next year.

Seriously, though, I give [insert your favorite derogatory nickname for Mangini here] ten years in Cleveland. Not because I think he’s a good coach who will do wonders for them ... I just think that’s a fitting punishment for his actions.

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John McEnroe never scared me. When he yelled at the umpires or line judges or hotel concierges after his matches, I was entertained. “What’s he going to do next?” I thought while glued to my television set, popcorn in hand.

When Serena Williams yelled at that line judge during her semifinal match against Kim Clijsters, I was afraid for my life. I don’t even want to tell you what I did to my popcorn. I thought she was going to squish the tennis ball in her hands. (Never a good image to try to woo a man, Serena.)

At least she was fined $500 for racket abuse. If PETA protects the rights of animals, which organization protects the rights of rackets?

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Tom Brady got back on the field last week to lead the Patriots to victory. He added a new aspect to his game – the run. He’s always been pretty lead-footed, but the way he rumbled down the field dragging Suzy Kolber behind him, Tom proved to all New England fans and the NFL that he is back with a capital “B”!

Now, his next test is Week 8 when Michelle Tafoya will be on the sidelines.

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Also, in the Patriots-Bills contest, the NFL had the first implementation of its new “don’t touch the quarterback” rule (a.k.a. the “Grogan Rule”) when Adalius Thomas was cited for tackling Trent Edwards. Commissioner Goodell backed up the ruling when he said, “Football is not a sport to be violent. That’s not what we’re promoting here.”

Adalius will appeal the suspension. When told of this, Goodell said, “Have him try it and I’ll knock his block clean off.”

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And finally for now, Roger Federer, the world’s most unflappable tennis player, showed he was, in fact, flappable when he yelled at the chair umpire. “When I want to talk, I’ll talk, okay?” said the product from politically-genial Switzerland.

I wanted him to bust out the old classic, “Do you have any idea who I am?! I’m Roger 15-time major champion [expletive deleted] Federer, who the [heck] are you?! ... Tiger, come over here and tell this piece of [poop] who I am ... Do you know who the [heck] this guy is?! He’s Tiger [expletive deleted] Woods.” And so on and so forth.

Ah, what a country. From the Grammy’s to the floor of Congress to Flushing Meadows, everyone’s, to use a term popular with President Obama, “a jackass.”

Another weekend of outbursts and silliness lies ahead. Enjoy!

In the coming week, Michael Vick will have his answer from Commissioner Roger Goodell regarding his potential suspension. Reports have Vick receiving as little as a two-game suspension to as much as a six-gamer. Any of these may mean the upstart UFL may have their first superstar as Vick could certainly head over there and start playing. (Gotta love America. If you can't get a million dollars in one place, there's always another willing to offer it to you.)

It was said that Goodell was going to back off his typical hard-as-nails stance and give Michael a conditional reinstatement instead of the stiffer penalty. But, after convening his staff along with the legal team, he realized that the conditions they came up with were a little silly. Here's the list that leaked from the league:

Has to wear "PETA Hate Me" on the back of his jersey.
Has to share a house with Ochocinco for the rest of the summer.
Must appear on "American Idol" to be critiqued by Simon Cowell.
Must cede the title of "the responsible Vick" to his brother Marcus.
Will not be allowed to "find Jesus" as part of his reinvention.
Forfeit his right to do endorsements, but must appear in those public service announcements for STDs.
Must play on the Lions.
Must play with his shoelaces tied together this season.
Must participate in the United Way's "Take a Player to the Chess Club" inner-city schools promotions.
Cannot, under any circumstances, do any lame tributes to Michael Jackson.

As that's the best they could come up with, it seems best to just suspend Vick for the beginning of the season ... and make him play for the Lions.