Wasif's World

This past weekend, I found myself watching a most exhilarating contest between the Clippers of Los Angeles and the Knickerbockers of New York at the Center owned by Staples, Inc.

I had the opportunity to join spectators in one of the luxury suites. So there were hot dogs aplenty, all the wings you could devour, and a free Clippers T-shirt (sized XL for everyone) to each visitor in the box. Plus, two members of the Clipper Spirit Dance Team came by to raffle off a ball signed by the team (I assume “the team” meant the Clippers). And, of course, there was Clippers basketball. And that’s where you have to let out a long sigh.

They lost, which is to be expected for any team with a .076 winning percentage at tip off. This was despite an impressive performance by “redshirt freshman” Blake Griffin. This was the bright spot, which is refreshing when watching a team void of any expectations, such as is the case with Los Angeles’ “other” team.

I spoke with a lady seated next to me that was quite distressed at the failure of the home team to prevent the invading squad from successfully converting attempts at their hoop. In the end, she acquiesced, “Well, I still have the Lakers. At least they’re a true LA team. They didn’t move here like the Clippers.”

“That’s true ... except when they moved from Minneapolis. That’s kinda where the ‘lake’ part of ‘Lakers’ comes from ... cuz there are very few lakes here ... in the desert,” I explained.

“Oh. But they didn’t win until they got to LA,” she proclaimed to make up for her first gaffe.

“Right ... well, unless you count the six championships they won in Minneapolis, including five of the first eight league trophies. Actually, they won one before it was even called an NBA championship.” (It was the Basketball Association of America until 1949.)

“Well,” she acquiesced, looking for something to get right, “they’ve been here since I was born.”

“Fair enough – In the time that you’ve been alive, yes, they have only been in LA and have only won championships while in LA. I agree ... Can I get back to watching the game now, please? My head’s starting to hurt.”

Some of that cranial distress was from the Clippers' inability to allow the Knicks one trip down the court without fouling. Every defensive stand was punctuated with a whistle. It was amazing that no one on the team fouled out. Looking at the scoreboard, each player on the court at the time had either three or four fouls. I think they were taking turns. Perhaps that was Vinny Del Negro’s strategy. (I wonder if John Paxson, his former boss with the Bulls, would have approved or attacked him.)

But the underlying theme of this piece is simple: You have to feel bad for the Clippers. You just have to. Here is a team that cannot win.

Looking at other teams with distant possibilities of success, you don’t see quite the hopelessness that you do on this side of the Metrolink tracks in Los Angeles. If you are a Browns fan, you have hope, for you’ve seen cities such as Tampa Bay or New Orleans rise to the top of the heap after years of being the butt of jokes.

If you are a Cubs fan, you’ve seen cursed franchises like the Red Sox win a World Series -- two even! That means even the Cubs have a shot, as improbable as it might seem.

If you are a Golden State Warriors fan -- wait, does Golden State still have a team? Ah, who cares, they’ve won an NBA Championship thanks to Al Attles’ boys in 1975.

But the Clippers are a different breed. Their fans know it will never happen. Never ever ever ever never. And it defies logic, for they’re so perennially bad that they should be stockpiling high draft picks like mad. They should be pretty good by now, right?

I am trying to be optimistic here. The NBA is such a watered down mess that all you need are three superstars (who complement each other well and don’t announce their free agent signings to Jim Gray on national television) and you’re destined to go deep into the playoffs. The Clippers have a bonafide star in Blake Griffin. OK, they’re a third of the way there.

And they are based in LA, so that’s a potential lure to free agents.

And they have nice, peppy cheeleaders.

And ... well, it’s just ... never ... gonna ... happen.

I don’t say that to taunt the Clippers fans, that is to say, the people who show up early for Lakers games and find themselves watching the Clippers. (Ha! I kid the fans of the red, white and blue. I know they have their diehards.) I say this from studying the scientific charts located deep within my crystal ball. I don’t see a way this will ever play out differently.

So how about if they got one of the best coaches in the league? Gregg Popovich, what about him? Or Jerry Sloan? I’m sure Larry Brown could do what he always does and get the team to make a strong playoff push ... What’s that? ... He’s already tried? ... But he did get them to the playoffs, so there you go.

Actually, there was a time this decade when the Clippers ended the season with a better record than the Lakers. It’s true. (2005-2006) However, they will still always be the inverse of the team from Minneapolis.

The only hope, albeit slight, for them to achieve success, is for owner Donald Sterling to sell the team. The mere mention of Donald Sterling has LA folk thinking fondly of Frank McCourt. That's how despised Sterling is.

Sterling just isn’t going to spend on the team, mainly because he makes a ton of money and doesn’t want to part with it. The guy bought the team for $12.5 million and it’s worth almost 25 times that price today. Yes, if his team is successful, it would earn him more money, but that’s besides the point. Why mess with a good thing?

Besides, winning would mean more headaches like all the merchandise he’d have to print, fickle Lakers fans he’d have to accommodate, etc.

Several luxury box suites were dark for the evening. Years ago, I went to a Clippers game and paid for my ticket with a credit card. (I had a friend in town and I wanted to show him a good time ... but didn’t have the money, so I took him to a Clippers game instead.) The point is, with my credit card on file, the next year, I received a call from someone in their ticket office asking if I’d like to buy tickets for the upcoming season. He sounded more downtrodden than a Girl Scout pitching her cookies at a convention for people with celiac disease. This guy knew it was an uphill battle.

And that brings up another point – What about the Clipper Spirit Girls? They are the counterpart to the famous Laker Girls. Are these the girls that couldn’t make it on the Laker Girls? Are they the Laker Girls' B-team? Do they pass the Laker girls in the locker room and look at them with contempt mumbling under their breath, “Who did she sleep with to get there?” or “Those moves are soooo Paula Abdul mid-80s lame”? Do they rumble on the floor when no one’s looking like in the gymnasium during “West Side Story” where John Astin (famous for playing Gomez Addams) was oblivious to the tension in the room between the two rival ethnicities?

Or perhaps they just wanted to try out for the Clippers because they don’t like performing in front of people? Maybe the dental plan is better. Maybe the hours are better. (They certainly don’t have to work in May and June.) At least Sterling isn’t planning to move the Clippers, so they’ll still have a job.

Alas, that’s what it all comes down to – the Clippers aren’t going anywhere, but then again, the Clippers aren’t going anywhere. It’s a steady stream of blah.

Of course, Clippers fans also have the Lakers, who are native to LA as long as you don’t know where they came from.

Last week, we debunked the myth that Phil Jackson is “the greatest coach of all-time” as some erroneously refer to him. In Part II or our in-depth exposé, we take on one of the men who will remain tied to Jackson throughout history – Kobe Bryant, a.k.a “the Black Mamba.”

Now Bryant is another story and the media really, really want to anoint him "the greatest Laker of all-time." And Kobe wants it badly. As much as he says he doesn’t, you can see it in his eyes. And you can see it in Magic’s eyes when he says, “Remind me again who Kobe is.”

First of all, anyone saying this either didn’t watch Magic (or Jerry West or Kareem or Shaq) play or just doesn’t understand what they’re saying. They’re on the fringe, covering one end of the spectrum. We can eliminate them from the discussion. Están loco en la cabeza, as they say in LA. Then let’s eliminate those people that just don’t like Kobe because he’s an adulterer and an accused rapist. That’s immaterial in this argument.

I can even give him a mulligan for his John Starksian choke in Game 7. (If Kobe’s given the MVP, shouldn’t he have to share it with Ron Artest? Or how about Ray Allen for looking even more John Starksian?) Everyone’s allowed a bad game, though, in the biggest close-out of his life, he was more the problem than the solution. That never happened to Magic.

Kobe really looked out of sorts throughout the entire series. He has a tendency to get flustered and make a whole lot of bad decisions. Michael never seemed to sweat, even in his bad games.

One way that Kobe is like Mike, however, are with the “Kobe rules.” Michael had the “Jordan rules” and Kobe has them apparently tenfold. That’s one problem with the league is that they cater to the superstars. A travel isn’t a travel. Patrick Ewing never traveled, John Stockton or Larry Bird never clutched or grabbed, and Kobe never fouled out. (I used to think an elbow to the face was a foul until I watched Kobe play. Silly me.)

I have to hand it to the Lakers, though, as they really emulated the great Celtics and Pistons teams of the 80’s for never actually committing a foul. The begging and pleading they do after being called for one looks like they’re auditioning for a daytime soap ... or to play for a FIFA soccer team.

And considering the Lakers have been handed entire games by the refs (SEE: Great, Not Greatest, Part I), they are the team that should be complaining the least.

If you watched only the 2010 Finals, Kobe fouled out of at least two games. But there was no way any ref wanting to keep his job was going to whistle him for his sixth foul on any of those nights. ("I dint see nuttin'.")

If Paul Pierce drove the lane and Kobe literally took out a gun and shot him, the refs would’ve convened at midcourt and concluded that it was Celtics ball out of bounds ... or maybe a defensive three seconds.

The league and, more specifically, the officiating, were less blatantly bad during Magic’s era. And remember, Magic played only 12 years, winning virtually half the time and led his team. Kobe played second fiddle to one Shaq Man Du, a.k.a. (this season) “the Big Shamrock,” for nearly a decade.

The only thing upon which you could possibly base the argument that Kobe is as good as Magic is the number of rings Kobe has won. He has five and Magic has five. Okay, so does Derek Fisher. Does that mean Fish is as good as Magic too? Remember from last week’s post that Robert Horry has eight. Is he better than Magic?

Also, Kobe has been named the league Most Valuable Player only one time. He’s in that rarefied air of Allen Iverson (“the Answer”), David Robinson (“the Admiral”) and Charles Barkley (“the guy on TNT with an opinion on everything”).

As far as Lakers go, Magic has three MVP awards; Kareem has three on the Lakers alone (six overall); even Shaq has won the Maurice Podoloff trophy as many times as Kobe has. So Kobe’s the “best Laker of all-time?”

Look, the league has changed. Comparing the present to the past isn’t well-reasoned. Read a little bit about how the league used to be and you’ll come away very enlightened. It’ll be a chance to learn about when the league was on top of the world and not scraping for coverage with NFL team activities in the off-season.

Kobe may be great, and may be the “best closer in the game,” (perhaps because he’s frequently put in a position to launch ill-advised shots at the end of games, some which go in), but certainly not the best “of all-time,” in the history of his franchise, let alone the entire sport.

So let’s try to keep the logic in this discussion regardless of what the media and the “experts” are trying to spin. As we’ve already pointed out when speaking of Phil Jackson, it makes for better television to claim you’re watching the best of all-time. For this era, these icons are certainly and inarguably among the best, but let’s not go all loco en la cabeza here.

I'm Andy Wasif and I approved this blog post.

Trying to figure out my next blog to write, I looked at the calendar and realized that this week marks my one-year anniversary here at SportsFanLive. (No, please, I don’t want any gifts; your readership is enough. Besides, what would I do with a second horse’s head to go along with the one a Raiders fan sent me after one of my previous blogs?)

So much has happened in the world of sports over this time that I thought I’d take this opportunity, if you’ll indulge me, to recap the events I’ve blogged about during the past year. (If not, that’s fine too. Just reading to this point has allowed my computer virus enough time to access all your personal files and send them to me. So your readership and all your confidential information is enough.)

In order to remain consistent with engaging content, I’ve been fortunate enough to have a supportive leadership team at the website, a slew of fascinating stories to follow, but mainly, it’s been the fans who have been my rock, my Dwayne Johnson, if you will.

Yes, it is you, the reader, who have been so kind to me over the past year and I am so grateful. Your comments let me know you care. Rest assured, I read them all and please know that the comments about my mother and the female body parts that I resemble have been much appreciated. Sports and the opinions associated with it should never be treated flippantly and demand an overly critical eye toward the subjective.

I cherish our relationship. It’s because I feel so close to you that I’ve trusted you enough to bare my soul. (Or is it bear my soul? What does that even mean? Is that where Brian Urlacher tackles my celestial inner being?) For instance, I came out to you in this, the most public forum, in announcing my love for Peyton Manning, which screamed in opposition to my positive feelings for Bill Belichick. I didn’t care who knew it.

I relived a most painful experience of my being picked off second base by the hidden ball trick in what was actually a balk. So instead of third base, I was forced to sit on the pine, a most heinous crime perpetuated upon me by “the ill-informed.” Even now, it still makes me well up, but I felt comfortable enough to be vulnerable in front of you all.

I shared the tale of my day sitting amongst Raider Nation at San Diego’s Qualcomm Stadium. Instead of finding them dangerous as I had expected, I was surprised to learn that they’re nothing more than really very scary people who you don’t want to look in the eyes.

Yes, we’ve been through quite a 12-month period together, haven’t we? We’ve witnessed some incredible events like an entire tournament of curling, each time alternatively wondering why we were watching and making plans to take up curling with the goal of participating in the 2014 Winter Games in Russia; we watched the World Cup, longing for the excitement of curling; we watched a five-set tennis match that lasted longer than the Orioles season before being mathematically eliminated from playoff contention; we saw the best heavyweight battle we’ve seen in years in the McCourt v. McCourt fight (they’re talking sequel); and we saw a 28-out perfect game, which is most definitely once in a lifetime!

And we laughed together too. Remember when Mercury Morris tried to act relevant, like his 1972 Dolphins team’s 17 consecutive wins still meant something even though teams like the Patriots and Colts surpass it routinely? Or when the Philadelphia Phillies fan outran the guy with the Taser gun ... for a few seconds?

And then there was the time Mark McGwire told us he did steroids, as if it was a big reveal akin to the “Sixth Sense” or “The Usual Suspects.” Instead, it came off with all the suspense of an ESPN special to announce where Brian Scalabrine is going to end up playing next year.

This year was not without life lessons as well, like the fact that men entering Yankee Stadium are forced to check their bags across the street for $7, but then can literally climb into a woman’s purse or duffel bag and be smuggled into the park without even a suspicious glance.

We also learned that Big Papi doesn’t ask what’s in his “protein shakes” and Manny likes to get in touch with his feminine side with a cycle of drugs for women.

Oh, and we also learned that it was Derek Jeter that was leaking the names of those players on the infamous steroid user list. (Disclaimer: I’m the one that started that rumor.) (Disclaimer on the disclaimer: Or did I?)

But one giant lesson that we learned from Tiger Woods was that if you’re going to cheat, don’t text. Remember, texters never win and winners never text.

Though I can’t blame him for his mistake, for I’ve made mistakes too. For instance, I thought there was no way the Lakers and Celtics would’ve been able to “flip a switch” and start playing well through the playoffs after coasting through the end of the season. Well, like Arthur Fonzarelli, I am more than man enough to admit when I was wr--, when I was wrooo--, when I was wrrrrrrrrr--; well, nobody’s perfect.

And speaking of the Lakers, their fans were the focus of most of my attacks this year, but only because – well, they’re still around. I must apologize. I had originally planned for them to get all of my attacks. I promise that I will do better next year.

To all of you who’ve enjoyed a year of blogs, thanks for reading. And to you Lakers fans out there, thanks for finding someone to read this to you, explaining all the big words.

(See, never let it be said that I don’t keep a promise.)

Game 7 between Boston and Los Angeles stands to highlight the similarities between the two teams. At alternating times, each has battled, each has struggled, each has looked unstoppable, and each has won three times.

But over the past two weeks, the gap between the two cities has revealed itself to be broad enough to drive “Big Baby” Davis through. And such, glaring differences between the fans spark the realization that they are truly the representatives of their citywide personalities.

Boston is known as a blue-collar town, from its intellectual capacities to its passion, sometimes to the point of obsession, for all things sports, frequently exhibiting encyclopedic knowledge of even the most trivial statistics.

Los Angeles is a sprawling city where the residents are more carefree, laid back. They’re known to maintain a more laissez-faire attitude toward their teams. They show their support when the season begins to wind down, if not later, with a flag or two on their cars. Not that they don’t root like crazy for their Lakers, but you will be less inclined to speak intellectually about the sport with them. Mainly, it’s the factual inconsistencies that spout from their mouths that really make you take notice.

To understand this, you must take note that Los Angeles is a town where everything seems perfect – the weather, the beautiful people, the abundance of outdoor activities, (well, maybe not the traffic), and their basketball team. The city’s main industry, TV and film production, goes to great lengths to make sure everything is perfect. If they need rain, they can make it rain; if they want laughter, they’ll flash a sign and the audience will laugh; if they want the superhero to win, they’ll just write it in the script.

Living there, you begin to ignore items of irrelevance, like facts. Just believe what you want and it will be so.

That statement becomes more palpable over the past few weeks as the Lakers advance through the playoffs. Listening to their announcers, their fans and even their coaches, I’m amazed at the number of times they’ve said something to be blatantly untrue. For example:

One radio host said after Game 5, “The Lakers don’t want to lose the Finals at home two of the last three years.” Impossible, since they were in Boston when they lost in 2008.

Another one praised the ratings as being at their highest since 2004 because “America loves to see the Lakers win.” Uh, they won last year and the ratings weren’t that high. Could it be that America likes the idea of the Boston versus Los Angeles storyline? What was it about 2004 that made America watch? Oh, yeah ... Detroit beat LA. How about it America, do you like to watch the Lakers win or lose?

Even their head coach has been making stuff up. Game 5 famously had him lambasting the Celtics’ inability to hold leads. “This team has blown more fourth-quarter leads than any other team in the league.” Actually, they were 14th in that category.

(Though this is the same man whose team got almost twice as many foul shots as the other team, and he still blamed the refs, so take that with a grain of salt.)

It got so bad, even their color commentator said in respect to the Lakers needing to win one game at a time before Game 6, “Like Steppenwolf said, ‘One is the loneliest number.’” Actually, that was Three Dog Night. Fortunately, he was corrected a minute later, which was a pleasant surprise.

These inaccuracies trickle down to the fans, making it difficult to have a decent basketball conversation with them.

On my May 16 blog titled "Why Lakers Fans Are So Hateable," one Lakers fan commented, “LA is number one in everything, even in the off years in a particular sport, we are the best. From high school sports to the pros ...” Would those pro teams be including the St. Louis Rams and Oakland Raiders?

Bostonians check their facts. They may not like what they have to say, but they use them. Los Angeles fans can’t be bothered. “It’s all good, baby!”

When in LA, things are rosier. It’s contagious. Perhaps the refs start to feel it, thinking, “Hey, that elbow to the face isn’t a foul. It’s just “good, clean basketball.’” It’s a view clouded by happiness (and smog, of course). Though surprisingly, Dodgers fans are not quite the same. Their fans are more reasonable. That’s another blog for another day.

One fascinating point that sums up the disparity lies in the anthems for the two cities. Boston’s prideful song boasts “I love that dirty water, oh, Boston you’re my home.” It speaks of muggers and thieves along the banks of what was once the filthiest waterway in the country. Boston fans embrace this song. They wear the authentic and less than classy lyrics as a badge of honor. Pretty, no. But truthful, yes.

Los Angeles, on the other hand, reveres the great Randy Newman tune, “I Love LA.” It speaks of the sunshine and the greatness every day ... on the outside. But it’s really a song about the excesses and extravagances of life in the 80s, a brilliantly done sarcastic shot at the superficial nature of the culture at that time, especially in Los Angeles. I don’t think the residents and certainly the fans grasp the irony. It gets in the way of their perfect view of their lives.

Boston fans will live with a loss tonight for long time, even though they will still be the most accomplished NBA franchise of all-time. To them, it’s personal. Los Angeles fans will deal with it for a short time and then hit the beach “cuz the sun is shinin’ all the time. Looks like another perfect day. I love LA!” We love it!

Okay, so here it is, the Match Up of the Century! (again) This one is for all the marbles. The Big Three are making one final stand, a last chance to show their dominance. Kobe’s chasing Magic for five championships and the “greatest Laker of all-time” moniker, though playing with Shaq and having the allegations of Tim Donaghy render at least two of those championships iffy make this a moot point. Kobe will never be Magic. (And this from a guy who spent his childhood thinking Magic was overrated.)

The experts are all weighing in and forming their hypotheses based on sight analysis and statistics. And the fans are running with whichever argument best suits their cases.

Fans need to convince themselves of the outcome before it takes place. They call in to talk shows to say, “I’m really worried about the Lakers defensive lapses. Do you think they can beat the Celtics?” And if the talk show host responds in the affirmative, the caller will think, “Phew! I’m glad that’s decided” and they can sleep well at night.

But most of the arguments out there can be eliminated as they have nothing to do with the matter at hand. I’ll go over most of these and tell you who each point sees winning the series, why that is, the counterargument, and why it’s relevant or just a bunch of jibberjabber. (Yes, I said “jibberjabber.” I’m getting jazzed for the “A-Team” movie!)

So let’s begin:

Outcome: Lakers
Reason: Revenge
Chatter: The Lakers are upset that the Celtics beat them in 2008, in fact, humiliating them during the clinching game. Now, they want revenge.
Counterargument: Oh, now they want to win? In 2008, they were indifferent to winning? They weren’t sufficiently perturbed before? Why would you need excess motivation to win a championship?
Verdict: I do not wish to degrade my level of education and literary skills by just calling this argument stupid. Therefore, I will say it’s really stupid. When’s the last time you arm wrestled a guy who was stronger than you and actually won the rematch? If the Celtics are better, then no amount of wanting to win is going to help.

One parallel I find interesting is how the run of the last three years is similar to 1985 to1987. You might remember the peak of the Show Time Era when the two teams battled in 1985 leaving the Lakers victorious.

The next year, the Rockets snuck into the Finals, first beating the Lakers only to lose to the Celtics. But in 1987, the Lakers returned and caused a repeat of 1985.

Were the Celtics extra motivated to beat Los Angeles as revenge for 1985? Sure. Did it matter? No.

The Celtics believe the only reason the Lakers won last year was because Garnett was hurt. The Magic beat them and then went on to lose to the Lakers. Sound familiar?

Outcome: Lakers
Reason: Team Improvement
Chatter: The Lakers defense is better now with Ron Artest in the fold.
Counterargument: Yes, it’s better. The Celtics just beat the three teams that led the NBA in opponent’s field goal percentage. With or without Artest, the Celtics have already taken down tougher defenses.
Verdict: That same argument could be used to explain why the Celtics are going to win.

Outcome: Lakers
Reason: Age
Chatter: The Celtics are old. Garnett doesn’t look the same.
Counterargument: Garnett doesn’t look the same, but you have to figure a Hall of Famer like Garnett still matches up very well against Gasol. But the very claim acts as if the Lakers are composed of all these young pups. Their one superstar has logged almost as many minutes as the Big Three, if not more with his extracurricular play in international tournaments.
Verdict: Age is a push.

Outcome: Celtics
Reason: History
Chatter: This works on two fronts. First of all, this starting five, as currently constituted, has yet to lose a playoff series. Secondly, when the Lakers and Celtics face each other in the late spring, the Celtics win over 85% of the time.
Counterargument: This Lakers team has yet to lose a playoff series as well.
Verdict: If past history declared a winner, then the New York Jets would have almost 20 Super Bowl titles by now.

Outcome: Lakers
Reason: Coaching
Chatter: Phil Jackson is the greatest coach of all-time.
Counterargument: That is the dumbest argument of all-time. First off, Phil has already lost a Finals series to Doc Rivers. Wouldn’t that make Doc a better coach? Or perhaps Doc just had the better team, in which case Phil won past championships only because he had the better team. So if it’s the team that made Phil great, then one could reason that given the opportunity, Doc would’ve taken Michael and Scottie to six championships and then Shaq and Kobe to three more had he been there instead of the Zen Master. Counterargument: Michael didn’t win before Phil. Sure, but Scottie Pippen wasn’t his Sundance Kid yet. And you’ll add Shaq and Kobe didn’t win before Phil.
Countercounterargument: Yes, Del Harris is no Phil. But Gregg Popovich (a really valid argument for the actual best coach in the league) could have presumably taken Shaq and Kobe to three titles as well. He did it with less in San Antonio.
Verdict: Both coaches are excellent. Phil may be the most successful coach of all-time, but saying he’s the best is just for empty braggadocio and bar talk.

Outcome: Celtics
Reason: Pedigree
Chatter: The Celtics collectively have three Hall of Famers in their rotation. The Lakers have one, maybe two.
Counterargument: The Lakers can neutralize Pierce with Artest, Ray Allen with Kobe, and Garnett with Gasol.
Alternate counterargument: The Celtics are old. [See above.]
Verdict: The Lakers have been unable to neutralize all three on a consistent basis before. It’s not going to start this week as the Celtics are firing on all cylinders and see the prize put forth before them.

Outcome: Lakers
Reason: Home Cookin’
Chatter: This time, the Lakers have home court advantage.
Counterargument: A. The Celtics have taken home court advantage away from their last two opponents, who, it should be noted, finished with better records than the Lakers. B. The Celtics/Lakers series in 2008 didn’t go seven games because the Celtics won a game in Los Angeles.
Verdict: The Celtics may win in Los Angeles, but may also lose at home. That said, they are not intimidated by being in the visitors locker room.

Outcome: Celtics
Reason: Basketball is about matchups
Chatter: Going down the rosters, we see that Perkins can handle a hobbling Bynum, Kobe is better than Allen (but that’s closer than people think), Pierce is better than Artest, Gasol and Garnett may be a push, and that leaves the one dominating match up in the series – Rondo v. Fisher. If you want to further take it to the bench, Rasheed can handle Odom, Nate Robinson can counter Shannon Brown, and then Tony Allen can play Jordan Farmar, if that’s who it comes down to. That leaves Big Baby as someone off the bench the Lakers don’t have an answer for.
Counterargument: Even a hobbling Bynum is way better than Perkins.
Verdict: This argument makes a lot of sense. Basketball is about matchups (and shoddy refereeing and nonsensical scheduling). The only question is, who is hurt? Will the rest between games be enough for the Celtics? Can the Lakers play more physical than they did two years ago? Will it matter? Will the Big Four continue to alternate having big nights? Which Celtic role player will save the day like Nate Robinson did against the Magic?

(Okay, that’s more than one question.)

So soaking all this in like a Calgon bubble bath complete with rubber duckie, the picture becomes clearer, though still murky.

As I see it, the way the referees have been fix—er, calling the games these days, Perkins will be assessed one half of a double technical at some point this series (I’ll guess that it will be either Artest or Odom that does the honors) and thus, be forced to sit. If the Celtics can win the games Perkins plays, they’ll be the ones celebrating.

And if the Lakers can score more points than the Celtics on no fewer than four of the seven scheduled games, then they will win.

I hope this puts those minds at ease that have been held sleepless the last few nights waiting for the endless NBA Playoffs to continue. Now go tend to more pressing needs, like the electrical fire coming out of your wall socket due to the radio, television, and computer being plugged in at once while seeking as much info about the Finals as you can possibly get.

I got to hob knob with the knob hobs. I got to break bread with those breaking bank. I got to rub elbows with sports celebs of various fields of play. (The first thing I learned was that these upper-echelon folks aren’t too crazy about having their elbows rubbed. Evidently, it’s a social faux pas in sports circles.)

At the 25th annual Sports Spectacular held at the beautiful Century Plaza Hotel in Century City next door to Nakatomi Plaza from “Die Hard” fame (the police’s chalk outline of Hans Gruber but a memory on the street), all the beautiful people were out for a good cause. Cedars-Sinai put on the event to raise money to help combat genetic birth defects this past weekend. They honored Pete Sampras, Carmelo Anthony, Apolo Ohno (no relation to Yoko) and the collective teams of the New Orleans Saints (for winning the Super Bowl) and the Los Angeles Dodgers (for being available that evening).

I wondered exactly how I would know some of these athletes without a program. (“You can’t tell the players without a program!”) I thought I’d have to ask, “So what’s it like being on the gridiron? ... Court? ... Green?” But publicists preceded each with the name of the celebrity on a piece of paper.

“Oh, yes! Kara Lynn Joyce is next! ... Psssst. Who’s Kara Lynn Joyce?” (She’s an Olympic silver medalist in swimming and American record holder, by the way.)

While many among the paparazzi were there to simply get a few words about the event, I was there to ask the probing questions like “Who are you wearing?” (Michael Irvin was wearing Boss and some of

his own designs.)

I figured what better way to get to the bottom of the most pressing questions on the minds of our country than with these athletes? “Where is LeBron going?”

Kenny Lofton promptly sought out the answer as he put his phone to his ear and said, “Hey, LeBron, where you going right now?” Then, he opined, “I think LeBron should stay. Get a player like Bosh or Nowitzki.”

Hall of Famer Rick Barry warns of signing with the Knicks. “You get no leeway in New York City. I don’t think he knows what it’s like to be an athlete in New York.” He then went on to sing the praises of the Cavaliers. “Cleveland’s trying to do everything to bring him a winner.”

Olympic swimmer Margaret Hoelzer provided some great insight – “I met him once. He seemed like a nice guy.”

So, reading between the lines, we’ll call that a vote for Cleveland ... or perhaps Portland, where the nice people live.

“I like meeting celebs. [As a swimmer] we’re not famous,” Hoelzer said, on her one day off from training. I mentioned that she should have Adam Sandler cast her in his next movie.

How could she do that? Why not ask all the actors in attendance, like movie star Michael Buffer?

Perhaps you remember him in his star turn in David Letterman’s Academy Award sketch reenacting the screen test for the role of “monkey vendor” in “Cabin Boy.” Buffer was fantastic. “MmmmmmmmmmmmmONKEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!”

He also played Walbridge, the bad guy in “You Don’t Mess with the Zohan.” He said it’s tough to choose one experience over the other, but to be on the Academy Awards may trump all. He’s just not sure “evil” is the right word to describe Walbridge. “I don’t know if I’d say I was evil.” True. I misspoke. Perhaps misunderstood or greedy.

I will say this. His teeth are perfect. I was hoping that I’d get him all worked up so that we’d throw down and he’d say “Let’s get ready to RUMMMMMMMBLLLLLLLLLE!”

Or fellow actor (and astronaut if you like historical stuff) Buzz Aldrin who is not yelling at the moon these days – “He doesn’t yell at me, I yell at him!” – after his stint on the NBC show “30 Rock.” Making him look, er, not all there, he enjoyed, but remarked, “It was a clever script. I wasn’t too sure about it at first.”

How about Carl Lewis? You might remember him from his guest-starring role on “Perfect Strangers.” He certainly does. “I remember that. It was fun.” He says he’s “slowing down now” – so what is that, like faster than only 98 percent of all people? – and is doing some producing behind the scenes.

Full-time actor Drew Waters, master of the two-handed handshake (his left hand on your right forearm), who plays Coach Wade Aikman on “Friday Night Lights” would not have done the on-side kick in the Super Bowl. The Texan is also excited for Dez Bryant on his team, the Dallas Cowboys, but he’s not overconfident.

And with the talk of football, Nick Barnett, linebacker of the Green Bay Packers is excited that Brett Favre had his ankle surgery. He lit up, “Oh, it’s going down, that’s for sure,” when asked if he’s looking forward to sacking the Hall of Fame quarterback. He didn’t get the chance last year, but he’s going to redouble his efforts to make ol’ gray beard regret his decision to return.

Brian Price, the recent Tampa Bay Buccaneer draft pick, had other things on his mind. He’s been hoop dreaming and believes the Lakers will be celebrating championship No. 16 next month. But aren’t you worried that wishing to face the Celtics will bring the same result as in 2008? “Not gonna happen,” he quickly retorted.

Well, Mr. 2009 Pac-10 Defensive Player of the Year, 300 pound defensive lineman, we’ll see about that. How about we ask Mr. Austin Daye, son of former Celtic Darren Daye?

I tracked down a step-ladder so that I might talk to him face-to-face. And he said, “The Celtics are on a roll right now.” You hear that, Brian Price! “But the Lakers are tough in the post. Lakers in at least six.” Dammit. “I really don’t have a good feeling about it.” Okay, we’ll consider that a vote for the Celtics.

He does see Detroit returning to prominence in two years, though. Mark it down!

Apolo Ohno, all 5-5 of him, and one of the honorees that evening, had not slept in four days, returning from Vegas. The ESPN junkie watches all sports, but he’s from the West Coast so he’s picking the

Lakers in the event of a Celtics-Lakers showdown.

A moment later, Ohno found himself being asked by another correspondent, “Which is more enjoyable, winning a gold medal in the Olympics or sex?” To which he answered, “That’s hard.” To which someone (I don’t remember who, though it may have been me) said, “That’s what she said.”

These are the things that get said when you see Leslie David Baker who plays Stanley Hudson on “The Office” along the red carpet. Baker was accompanied by Cleo King, one of the “tasing” cops from “The Hangover.”

Even Michael Buffer picks the Lakers, “and not just because I’m from LA.” Really, Michael? You’re making me angry. Let’s get ready to RRR ... No? ... Knock it off? Okay.

All these Lakers fans are very confident. But surely, there’s a way to beat the Lakers. Russell Westbrook, you’ve seen them up close, surely you must now know the secret to beating them. “I don’t know. They’re playing really well right now.”

All right, that’s enough of that. Let’s revisit “Bronbron.” How badly would LeBron kill for a championship ring? Meanwhile, John Salley has four, two of which he’s hard-pressed to take credit for. “I worked for two of them. If you didn’t ask me how many I had, I’d have to think about it.”

You can only talk to John Salley for so long. Not that he’s boring or annoying. On the contrary, he’s funny, engaging, and entertaining. But he’s soooo tall. Talking to him is like sitting in the front row of a movie theatre. He walks by you outdoors and you think it’s an eclipse. Though perhaps that’s more an indictment of my size.

Tall, but not quite as tall Hall of Famer Dave Winfield was there. In his spare time, Dave is not allowed to give his opinion without ESPN’s go ahead. Though he did say he likes interleague play, and the fact that teams get to “mix it up.” He would’ve liked it while he was playing. But that’s all he could impart upon me.

Who do you think will win the NBA championship? “Thank you.” Wait, Dave, should the NFL add two more games? ... Which are better, croutons or bacon bits? Should I go with pleats or no pleats?! Paper or plastic?! Dave? Dave?! And with that, he was gone.

Shoot. And I never got to ask him about the seagull in Toronto and what he really thinks about George Steinbrenner.

Hey, there’s event co-host Snoop Dogg walking past. Someone asked him who he likes between Mayweather and Pacquiao. (Mayweather.) Oh, yeah, that’s coming up. Where’d Buffer go? We need him. Let’s get ready to RUMMMMMMMBLLLLLLLLLE!!!!!!!”

We’re getting close to the end of the NBA playoffs. You can tell because the Lakers flags are in full bloom in Los Angeles.

The phenomenon, known as “fakeritis” is like a sundial in the streets to the Gregorian calendar. They appear when the flowers are in bloom and the Lakers move deep into the playoffs. (Notice I didn’t say “make” the playoffs because that would be premature presentation. Sometimes you’ll see two on a car for those really, really die-hard fans.

With the Lakers in the conference championships, now natives start to show their fanhood by spending ten dollars on the chatchke, and proclaiming proudly, “I’m a huge fan. I watch both months of the NBA season. I’ll even watch all three quarters of each game.”

Let’s be honest, they are the sports fan equivalent of the high school senior showing up at the prom with toilet paper tucked into his pants hanging over his belt. They’re an embarrassment, but they don’t quite realize it, mainly because they keep getting rewarded for their efforts in the form of championships and contending teams.

Cleveland fans brave the wind, snow, and, well, living in Cleveland and what do they have to show for it? Bubkes!

All the other fan bases are sick of the disproportionate success-to-fanliness ratio for the Lakers. (Well, not Portland. Nothing really rattles them. They’re just so nice.)

Truth be told, no one really hates the Lakers. Aside from Kobe, the team seems to have a bunch of good eggs on it and Ron Artest is a nice sideshow, a poor man’s Rodman, so to speak. No one really cares about them at all. It’s the fans that get the people’s goat. Mainly from the use of the word “fan.” It seems a misappropriation of the term when describing them.

And what’s weird is, Dodgers fans don’t have the same reputation so, though there’s an overlap, there isn’t the same collective personality at Chavez Ravine as there is at the Staples Center.

Now, before you decry haterism, I’m trying to help here. Instead of just random stereotypes (like the one above), I intend to prove this epidemic with the help of first-hand experiences among living breathing representatives of Laketown.

Yes, it’s easy to generalize. I’m from the East Coast and we’re a more passionate fan base overall (though we have our own issues), but each fan base is comprised of individuals and this is about those that we mock as “fakers.”

Over the past few years, I’ve been surrounded by Lakers fans in “the Southland” as they call it; I’ve gone to games, I’ve spoken to them, and I’ve listened to radio. That’s a good place to start, because much of the attitude of the fans comes from sports talk show hosts.

Let’s deconstruct a typical talk radio show, such as that on the East Coast – there is a host that makes a point and opens it up to the audience who may call to revel in a good win, but there is always a segment of the population that approaches a topic this way – “Yes, we may be good, but there are still problems that concern us.” It’s the cynicism inherent in that region of the country.

But listen to a Lakers station and it is decidedly more “glass is totally full – “Here’s why our team is so great.” And then after they’re done pouring the bottomless cup of adulation, they have a guest call in – “Calling in now, we have so-and-so ... why don’t you tell us why our team is so great?

It’s such an LA ritual, the abundant praising. It’s almost like an infomercial.

“Hey, Gary?”

“Hi, Bob.”

“What if I told you there was a team that shot threes, pounded the ball inside, had the best closer in the game, had the best coach, and was unstoppable, what would you say?”

“I’d be dubious, Bob.”

“No, it’s true. The Los Angeles Lakers are that team. Order now and you can be a fan of the greatest team in the history of mankind. We’ll send you a team flag, a pamphlet with the names of a few of the greats on it, and another team flag.”

“Wow! That’s an incredible offer!”

It seeps into the culture of the fans. Case in point, the day after the Lakers won the trophy in 2009, a friend told me that the team would three-peat. That’s right, they’d win the next two! And he was so sure of this, that he bet me ... five dollars. Who does that?!

I felt like Randolph and Mortimer Duke’s butler in “Trading Places” after they gave him his Christmas Bonus. “Ooo, five dollars. Now I can go to the movies ... by myself.”

That’s misplaced confidence. But they weren’t always so confident; hence, their reputation for being fair-weather fans. The only problem is, they don’t understand the word.

Sometime around 2006, I heard this exchange on the frequency modulation dial:

Caller: "I believe I have the right to not root for my team when they’re not winning. If they’re not putting the best product on the court, I’m not being a fair-weather fan if I don’t show up to endorse that."

I waited for the talk show host to politely explain to him that he was wrong, that he could protest in other ways (See: wear a paper bag on his head at the game) or at least continue to support them from afar, but what he got was this:

Host: "You’re absolutely right."

WHAT?!

Actually, what he’s doing is the definition of “fair-weather fans,” guys. (At that point, the FCC should’ve revoked the host’s broadcasting license.)

These talk show hosts are enablers. I’m sure thousands of Lakers supporters driving around in their cars were nodding their heads in agreement at that time.

It’s this sort of disrespect for the unwritten rules of one’s fantitude that contribute to the hatredity towards them. They just don’t get it.

In 2008, when the Celtics were about to meet the Lakers in the NBA Finals, a Lakers fan, sure of his team’s ability, bet me that they would take the best-of-seven series in three games. (He was not kidding.) Though that would have been quite impressive, I didn’t have the heart to take that bet.

I did, however, take a different bet from another guy who bet the Lakers because, in his words, they had “the best defense in the league.” Evidently, he didn’t see the stats, which had them 11th ... or watch the games. That bet, I took.

Where did he get the idea the Lakers had a great defense? Maybe the talk show hosts or maybe it was the shills who called in to validate the phony claim. Either way, it was easy money.

Or maybe it’s their coach. Phil Jackson continues to whine about the star of each new team his team is facing in the upcoming round. First, Kevin Durant got away with too many fouls and now Steve Nash carries the ball when he runs.

“Hi, Phil, come over here, I’d like you to meet Kobe Bryant.” “Kobe, Phil, Phil, Kobe.”

It gets extremely frustrating when Lakers fans try to pull the smug card. We’re talking about a team, who, according to disgraced-referee Tim Donaghy’s book, were handed at least two championships, or at least the opportunity to play for them, and their fans try to bring up inequities against them. (The Lakers technically have 13 titles, while referee Dick Bavetta has two.)

Even Yankees fans know not to bash other teams for signing free agents. The only time they use it is when Boston fans try to bash them on spending and so they bring up Daisuke Matsuzaka. (That is a road uniform-gray area as the Red Sox didn’t technically overspend to sign him, but only to talk to him, which may seem ridiculous, but in actuality, it’s kinda ridiculous, but may have been necessary.)

Anyway, the knock on Lakers fans is legendary. They do get there late and leave early. I was at a game when they were down by three with 14 seconds left. Not since Charleton Heston tried to escape Yul Brenner have I seen such a mass Exodus. (I’m not referring to Jack, of course, as he had left long before halftime.) And the Lakers had the ball!

I’m not saying Boston fans are perfect, but you can have a decent basketball conversation with them. I mean, Lakers fans try to be like other fans. They talk trash, they look to point out the traveling violation on the other team, they clap in unison, etc. And with a team that wins, it helps their cause. They see no reason to improve.

Call it haterism, call it a fountain of bile being spewed, but it is what it is. I’ll open it up to the masses on this one. Although, please, for the love of Bill Russell, if Lakers fans are going to post, please say something intelligent. Your team is not the best defense in the league, Kobe is not better than Michael Jordan, and he certainly doesn’t get called for more travels and fouls than any other superstar.

There, I’ve said my piece, I can go back to complaining about deficiencies in the Celtics game even as they start the Eastern Conference finals against the Magic and whining that they shouldn’t have signed Rasheed Wallace.

The NBA Playoffs begin Saturday night and the big question is whether two of the pre-season favorites-cum-faders have been cruising into May before hitting their strides by simply “flicking the switch.”

For those of you unfamiliar with this “switch,” it’s quite a technological marvel. If you don’t have one, I’d recommend you look into acquiring one. In fact, I’ve heard Apple is working on mass producing an economical version for the consumer – the iSwitch.

In the realm of basketball, the switch heals injuries, it sharpens shooting eyes, it tightens defenses. The switch knocks away in-bounds passes, it fills passing lanes, it executes pick-and-rolls with precision. The switch piles on points, it fills highlight reels, it rises above the rim. In summation, it takes no prisoners.

But some teams don’t have a switch. It’s only the good teams teams that have won before, that have a switch. They know what it takes to win, unlike those other teams like the 1995 Houston Rockets or the 1999 San Antonio Spurs.

In fact, along with a championship trophy, these victors are given a switch by the league. It’s one of those hush-hush jobs, though, as the league owns only a thin supply of switches and they don’t want irrelevant teams like the Clippers begging for one. (That’s why the league frequently engineers the Lakers winning, because they already have a switch.)

The Lakers are one of the teams people are questioning. This batch of superstars can play in regular-season, totally over-rated, sluggish mode and then they can shift to bulldozer, juggernaut, high-flying legends mode. The transition from one to the other is seamless, usually done with the flick of a finger.

But wait, haven’t the Lakers been sucking it up lately because they’ve been banged up, uninspired and out-of-sync?

No, of course not, silly person!

So the fact that Kobe has way too many miles on his treads and Andrew Bynum can’t keep from getting hurt and Ron Artest isn’t the same defender he once was has nothing to do with their mediocre play the last few months?

Nope, they just haven’t flicked the switch yet. They’re waiting for the playoffs.

The Celtics are another team that invokes mention of the device. They’ve had their own mechanism before any other team did. The ol’ Auerbach Switch is a bit clunky, but still works. (They’ve since upgraded to Auerbach 10.0.)

The first time it was used was in 1969. The last hurrah for Bill Russell found a team with a 48-34 record winning the championship. Why? Need we go over this again?

It is for this reason that Boston fans needn’t worry as Kevin Garnett’s knee will make a full recovery and we’ll once again see the 2007-08 Defensive Player of the Year dominating opponents, but only once the playoffs start.

The Celtics figured out how to win together early in the season. They started 20-4. Once they got the handle on that, they put it on cruise control. Why waste your energy against the Knicks and the Wizards of the world? And now that it’s playoff time, I’m sure they’ll just revert back to November form. (Back when they could win at home.)

The same goes for the Lakers who still finished atop the Western Conference, though went 15-12 over the last two months of the season. They didn’t need to show off any more. That’s just bad sportsmanship, right? All those shots they missed to lose games were all part of the beauty of the switch. When it’s flicked, those shots go in.

So what does this switch run on? Is it gas-powered? If they’re like the Heat, who have been on a tear lately, they may run out of gas come the second round. Or perhaps it’s run by solar paneling installed under Sasha Vujacic's hair. That’s part of the mystery of it.

I, too, have a switch. I’m just waiting for that moment to flick it so that I may get Jessica Biel to go on a date with me. Just laying low for now, that’s what I’m doing. I haven’t been working my “A” game yet. Yes sir, but when I’m ready, I’m gonna flick that switch and watch out! Buddy Love is only one flick away.

Although it’s quite possible it might not work. I think I was supposed to store it horizontally in a cool, dark place like a bottle of wine. I think it’s because of some chemical that calibrates the magnetic doo-hickeys in the thing. I’m sure the iSwitch has taken the necessary steps to rectify such glitches.

Nevertheless, I know we’ll see the Celtics and Lakers in the NBA Finals again this year ... assuming they took greater care in storing their switches than I did.

Allegiances are funny. They make you see things that may not be there. They make you feel emotions that you wouldn’t otherwise feel. They change you.

For instance, take the words of one less-than-intelligent sports talk show host in Los Angeles as he proclaimed, after the recent gold medal hockey affair, that the Canadian coach was a “coward” for employing a “trap” defense for much of the game.

Really? A coward? For utilizing a strategy that earned his country a gold medal? That’s the kind of coward I want coaching my team.

The statement was less a swipe at the coach than it was a self-proclamation by the host that he was upset his team had lost. If the U.S. had employed that technique and won, it’s a safe bet that he would have been fine with it.

And that’s what allegiances can make you do.

I was born in Canada. But I grew up in America and have lived here most of my life (save for those three sordid months in a Turkish prison precipitated wholly on a classic misunderstanding, but that’s for a different blog post). So when the gold medal game was upon us, I was on the fence.

I figured I’d go with the northerners on this one since they’re always being made to feel inferior to the Americans. They needed this medal. And honestly, if America wants it so badly, they can always invade Canada at a moment’s notice and steal all the golden discs back.

I walked into the bar with a minute to go. Perfect timing, as I wanted to be around fellow hosers for the final horn. (Truthfully, I’m not exactly sure what a “hoser” is and if I am one, but I like the connotation.) Of course, I walked right in on a Zach Parise goal and the crowd started bellowing, “U-S-A, U-S-A.”

I realized that chant can be pretty annoying and obnoxious when you’re cheering for the other side, especially when the other side doesn’t have a comparable chant. No one goes, “CAN-A-DA, CAN-A-DA.” ‘Tis a silly chant.

In fact, it dawned on me that the pioneering papas like Jefferson and Hancock decided to name their new, “more perfect union” (seriously, how can something be more perfect?) the United States of America solely on the basis that the initials would make a good chant. And that’s the only reason.

But I would’ve been chanting that same thing if Canada wasn’t playing. So it got me thinking how the Olympics shake things up, twist things on their ears, throw a monkey wrench into the works.

When I was cheering for the U.S. team, I was alongside the likes of Yankees fans, Lakers fans, Colts fans, and Rai – well, I can’t say Raiders fans because I was nowhere near a prison. My point is ... my mortal enemies had become my brothers-in-arms.

A few weeks ago, they were idiots, incapable of holding a simple conversation without drooling on themselves. And now, they made more sense than anyone.

“That was a horrible call! He was offside!”
“Yeah, they obviously don’t want us to win!”
“That’s the only possible explanation.”

But being on the wrong side of a U.S.-heavy crowd (and with the rising rates of obesity, “heavy” has a double meaning here), I saw just how perceptions could change based on which side you’re on.

It changes how we view one another. At a local level, your high school team is valiant and heroic while the squad from the neighboring town is riddled with thugs; then you end up at the same college with these thugs and you realize they’re not that bad. In fact, they make a lot of sense when discussing the merits of your team versus the disgusting derelicts playing for the state school across the river.

But when you and the derelicts are slated to face those bums over the state line, it’s clear from whence the toxic waste smell has been emanating. It’s from the knuckle-draggers living in that other commonwealth, with whom any conversation is as contentious as can be. How can it not be? They are simply reprehensible cretins without a logical bone in their bodies; morons, the lot of them. The world would be a better place without them.

Until our country faces another country like in these Olympics, and we are seated next to those cretins, in which case they’re actually pretty good eggs that you’d like to share a beer with ... and not that imported swill, but a good domestic, tastes-like-water lager that will bring you arm-in-arm to the urinary trough together while belting out the national anthem, messing up the words to the point where most within earshot think you’re singing a Mariah Carey song.

That’s when the nationals from the other country make you sick with their weird way of talking and the lack of aglets on their shoes, which doesn’t seem bother us anymore on that day when the aliens come down to earth. For that is the day when we side proudly with the hosers, the limeys, the uppers, the trolls, the jets, the sharks, the Mujahideen, the infidels, the insurgents, the guerillas, the democrats, the republicans, the liberators, the oppressors, the Hoi Polloi, the proletariat the geeks, the dweebs, the nerds, the fatties, the dummies, the rednecks, the green thumbs, the blue bloods, the yellow bellies, the purple people eaters, the Black Panthers, the Brown Hornet, and my Syracuse Orange in order to defeat these evil beings from a foreign planet even if they’ve only come to impart upon us the secret recipe for their Universe-famous out-of-this-world (literally) Triple Fudge Chocolate Mousse Cheesecake as demonstrated on their top-rated show “So You Think You’re a Top Chef Alien that Can Dance?” and is available at their famous chain restaurant The Cheesecake Planet.

Because that’s what allegiances make us do! U-S-A! U-S-A! So you can just suck on that, Bahamas!

I want to congratulate the Los Angeles Lakers on a hard-fought battle through the NBA playoffs. Over the past few years, I’ve had the opportunity to get to know their fans. And may I say, they are adorable. They try so hard to be good fans. It’s like watching a squirrel on a jet ski. (Okay, maybe not exactly like it, but there’s a sense of amusement with both.)

There’s a reason that the team is called the “Fakers” and other fans hate them. It isn’t because they’re the second-most celebrated franchise in the NBA. Boston has the greater history and more championships, but fans don’t hate Boston nearly as much as they hate the Lakers. (Though as a Boston backer, I know we can get pretty annoying with our self-adulation.)

It’s not the team. Who can hate Pau Gasol? He’s so ... uh, gangly. Okay, Kobe’s hatable, but he’s definitely almostas good as he thinks he is.

Nope, that's not it either. So what is it that makes them despised more than any other hardwood ballers?

It’s one aspect of the team --- the fans. And it’s not any one thing in particular, it’s just, well, ... everything.

On the outside, they act like typical fans. They make predictions. One fan told me the Lakers would beat the Magic in three. In three! A best-of-seven series in three! That’s so cute.

They complain about the referees. Mainly, this comes from mimicking Phil Jackson who complains about the referees so much, I’m not sure he isn’t using it for a euphemism about the government’s handling of the financial crisis or something other than actual refereeing. I’m actually shocked he didn’t complain about the refs during the celebration after the clinching game. Does he go into a restaurant where a waiter asks him, “Is everything here satisfactory, sir?” and say, “Are you kidding me? We haven’t had one call go our way the entire meal!”

And this is a man who coaches a team whose superstar has elbows that are actually wanted in several states for attempted murder!!! Phil Jackson’s a bright guy. He complains about the refs to gain an edge in the series. Sure, he gets fined, but he makes that money back in book deals. The fans haven’t realized this yet. Simply delightful.

They make comparisons. Talk of Phil Jackson being better than Red Auerbach started years ago, but now it’s “been proven.” Well, except for the fact that any conversation requiring the comparison of two different eras is inane and pointless. Marvelously naive.

They rationalize their fandom. I heard a fan call into a radio show and declare that he was not a fair weather fan, but rather a great fan because he didn’t think he had to root for the team if they were bad. He had, in fact, earned the right to expect a good team and should only root for them when they were good. And the talk show host agreed with him. It’s endearing. Don’t you want to just pinch their cheeks?

(Of course, if you want to get technical, that’s actually the definition of a fair weather fan. But we won't go there.)

They’re sore losers. Upon Boston winning last year, one Lakers fan told me the only reason Boston won was because Kevin McHale traded Kevin Garnett to the Celtics as a favor to his former team. Quite an observant little pip, he was. I didn’t have the heart to tell him who Jerry West was and how Pau Gasol got to the Lakers. It would have ruined his whole outlook.

And they’re sore winners. Anyone who didn’t root for their team is a “sore loser” and a “Laker Hater.”

They spread themselves thin. If the Clippers make the playoffs, they start following them as well. Kids will be kids, huh?

They make stuff up. One Lakers fan last year said that his team had the best defense in the league last year. Just don’t look at league stats. They would only confuse you. Trite!

They take quotes out of context to validate their points. During one particularly awfully officiated game versus Denver, announcer Jeff Van Gundy remarked how the refs were doing a great job. One Lakers fan pounced on that to me. Guess he missed the moment earlier in the same game where Van Gundy bashed the refs for a missed call. Ah, so spunky!

They put flags on their cars to announce their allegiances ... and that they had eight bucks lying around. It’s just that the majority of them don’t come up until the Finals begin. You guys are certainly welcome to start using them earlier in the playoffs. No one will get mad.

Oh, and they get feisty. One newspaper columnist made his case for the better team in an article about how Boston fans were not as good looking. Oof! You really showed those fans. There’s a “Key to the Game” I don’t anyone else had noticed.

Those are the Lakers fans. Take them or leave them.

It’s not that they’re totally to blame. There’s a lot more going on in Los Angeles to catch one’s interest. How many babies does Angelina Jolie have now? What did “The Watchman” gross? The Lakers really don’t have the cache of other subjects.

But the fans really do try. They’ll make it to two, maybe three quarters of a game during the season. (They’re similar to Dodgers fans in that sense. I went to a game at Dodger Stadium last week in which the Dodgers were down 3-1 and the stadium emptied in the seventh inning. Sure, their excuse is that they wanted to beat traffic. But when half the stadium leaves at the same time, you’re not beating traffic. You are the traffic.)

And there are fans that live, sleep and breathe Lakers, but that’s not what elevates them in the eyes of other fans to the status of good fans. Lakers fans are like in the minor leagues of fandom. A couple of solid seasons strung together or maybe an injury or demotion to a fan base such as Portland and they might just reach the big leagues.

But all seriousness aside, it is nice to see them trying. Los Angelenos, congratulations! You can hang your flags now to show everyone that you’re fans of the team ... or to just show them that you had eight dollars.