Wasif's World

We’re getting close to the end of the NBA playoffs. You can tell because the Lakers flags are in full bloom in Los Angeles.

The phenomenon, known as “fakeritis” is like a sundial in the streets to the Gregorian calendar. They appear when the flowers are in bloom and the Lakers move deep into the playoffs. (Notice I didn’t say “make” the playoffs because that would be premature presentation. Sometimes you’ll see two on a car for those really, really die-hard fans.

With the Lakers in the conference championships, now natives start to show their fanhood by spending ten dollars on the chatchke, and proclaiming proudly, “I’m a huge fan. I watch both months of the NBA season. I’ll even watch all three quarters of each game.”

Let’s be honest, they are the sports fan equivalent of the high school senior showing up at the prom with toilet paper tucked into his pants hanging over his belt. They’re an embarrassment, but they don’t quite realize it, mainly because they keep getting rewarded for their efforts in the form of championships and contending teams.

Cleveland fans brave the wind, snow, and, well, living in Cleveland and what do they have to show for it? Bubkes!

All the other fan bases are sick of the disproportionate success-to-fanliness ratio for the Lakers. (Well, not Portland. Nothing really rattles them. They’re just so nice.)

Truth be told, no one really hates the Lakers. Aside from Kobe, the team seems to have a bunch of good eggs on it and Ron Artest is a nice sideshow, a poor man’s Rodman, so to speak. No one really cares about them at all. It’s the fans that get the people’s goat. Mainly from the use of the word “fan.” It seems a misappropriation of the term when describing them.

And what’s weird is, Dodgers fans don’t have the same reputation so, though there’s an overlap, there isn’t the same collective personality at Chavez Ravine as there is at the Staples Center.

Now, before you decry haterism, I’m trying to help here. Instead of just random stereotypes (like the one above), I intend to prove this epidemic with the help of first-hand experiences among living breathing representatives of Laketown.

Yes, it’s easy to generalize. I’m from the East Coast and we’re a more passionate fan base overall (though we have our own issues), but each fan base is comprised of individuals and this is about those that we mock as “fakers.”

Over the past few years, I’ve been surrounded by Lakers fans in “the Southland” as they call it; I’ve gone to games, I’ve spoken to them, and I’ve listened to radio. That’s a good place to start, because much of the attitude of the fans comes from sports talk show hosts.

Let’s deconstruct a typical talk radio show, such as that on the East Coast – there is a host that makes a point and opens it up to the audience who may call to revel in a good win, but there is always a segment of the population that approaches a topic this way – “Yes, we may be good, but there are still problems that concern us.” It’s the cynicism inherent in that region of the country.

But listen to a Lakers station and it is decidedly more “glass is totally full – “Here’s why our team is so great.” And then after they’re done pouring the bottomless cup of adulation, they have a guest call in – “Calling in now, we have so-and-so ... why don’t you tell us why our team is so great?

It’s such an LA ritual, the abundant praising. It’s almost like an infomercial.

“Hey, Gary?”

“Hi, Bob.”

“What if I told you there was a team that shot threes, pounded the ball inside, had the best closer in the game, had the best coach, and was unstoppable, what would you say?”

“I’d be dubious, Bob.”

“No, it’s true. The Los Angeles Lakers are that team. Order now and you can be a fan of the greatest team in the history of mankind. We’ll send you a team flag, a pamphlet with the names of a few of the greats on it, and another team flag.”

“Wow! That’s an incredible offer!”

It seeps into the culture of the fans. Case in point, the day after the Lakers won the trophy in 2009, a friend told me that the team would three-peat. That’s right, they’d win the next two! And he was so sure of this, that he bet me ... five dollars. Who does that?!

I felt like Randolph and Mortimer Duke’s butler in “Trading Places” after they gave him his Christmas Bonus. “Ooo, five dollars. Now I can go to the movies ... by myself.”

That’s misplaced confidence. But they weren’t always so confident; hence, their reputation for being fair-weather fans. The only problem is, they don’t understand the word.

Sometime around 2006, I heard this exchange on the frequency modulation dial:

Caller: "I believe I have the right to not root for my team when they’re not winning. If they’re not putting the best product on the court, I’m not being a fair-weather fan if I don’t show up to endorse that."

I waited for the talk show host to politely explain to him that he was wrong, that he could protest in other ways (See: wear a paper bag on his head at the game) or at least continue to support them from afar, but what he got was this:

Host: "You’re absolutely right."

WHAT?!

Actually, what he’s doing is the definition of “fair-weather fans,” guys. (At that point, the FCC should’ve revoked the host’s broadcasting license.)

These talk show hosts are enablers. I’m sure thousands of Lakers supporters driving around in their cars were nodding their heads in agreement at that time.

It’s this sort of disrespect for the unwritten rules of one’s fantitude that contribute to the hatredity towards them. They just don’t get it.

In 2008, when the Celtics were about to meet the Lakers in the NBA Finals, a Lakers fan, sure of his team’s ability, bet me that they would take the best-of-seven series in three games. (He was not kidding.) Though that would have been quite impressive, I didn’t have the heart to take that bet.

I did, however, take a different bet from another guy who bet the Lakers because, in his words, they had “the best defense in the league.” Evidently, he didn’t see the stats, which had them 11th ... or watch the games. That bet, I took.

Where did he get the idea the Lakers had a great defense? Maybe the talk show hosts or maybe it was the shills who called in to validate the phony claim. Either way, it was easy money.

Or maybe it’s their coach. Phil Jackson continues to whine about the star of each new team his team is facing in the upcoming round. First, Kevin Durant got away with too many fouls and now Steve Nash carries the ball when he runs.

“Hi, Phil, come over here, I’d like you to meet Kobe Bryant.” “Kobe, Phil, Phil, Kobe.”

It gets extremely frustrating when Lakers fans try to pull the smug card. We’re talking about a team, who, according to disgraced-referee Tim Donaghy’s book, were handed at least two championships, or at least the opportunity to play for them, and their fans try to bring up inequities against them. (The Lakers technically have 13 titles, while referee Dick Bavetta has two.)

Even Yankees fans know not to bash other teams for signing free agents. The only time they use it is when Boston fans try to bash them on spending and so they bring up Daisuke Matsuzaka. (That is a road uniform-gray area as the Red Sox didn’t technically overspend to sign him, but only to talk to him, which may seem ridiculous, but in actuality, it’s kinda ridiculous, but may have been necessary.)

Anyway, the knock on Lakers fans is legendary. They do get there late and leave early. I was at a game when they were down by three with 14 seconds left. Not since Charleton Heston tried to escape Yul Brenner have I seen such a mass Exodus. (I’m not referring to Jack, of course, as he had left long before halftime.) And the Lakers had the ball!

I’m not saying Boston fans are perfect, but you can have a decent basketball conversation with them. I mean, Lakers fans try to be like other fans. They talk trash, they look to point out the traveling violation on the other team, they clap in unison, etc. And with a team that wins, it helps their cause. They see no reason to improve.

Call it haterism, call it a fountain of bile being spewed, but it is what it is. I’ll open it up to the masses on this one. Although, please, for the love of Bill Russell, if Lakers fans are going to post, please say something intelligent. Your team is not the best defense in the league, Kobe is not better than Michael Jordan, and he certainly doesn’t get called for more travels and fouls than any other superstar.

There, I’ve said my piece, I can go back to complaining about deficiencies in the Celtics game even as they start the Eastern Conference finals against the Magic and whining that they shouldn’t have signed Rasheed Wallace.

As I was sitting here trying to decide if the best club to use in attacking your husband is, in fact, a 3-iron (I would’ve suggested the sand wedge to Mrs. Woods for more lift), I thought I’d take this opportunity to make a plea to the powers that be asking that they install regulations preventing the media and talking heads from using idiotic phrases that insult us as an audience. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t take it anymore.

This first one has been bugging me since A-Rod returned to the Yankees line-up this past spring. One of the play-by-play announcers doing an NBA game teased us with this gem: “Coming up at halftime, you’ll never guess what A-Rod did in his first at-bat today.”

Uh, he hit a home run?

He’s a power-hitter. That’s what he does. He hits home runs. Not really a stretch there. Now, if it turned out that A-Rod had gone up to bat sucking his thumb, then galloped around the field using the bat as a horsie, then no, I would never have guessed that.

We’ve seen a lot during our decades of televised sports. Not a whole lot is going to surprise us. A home run in his first at-bat? Pretty common, actually. Give us some credit, will you please?

Speaking of which, the word “unbelievable” needs to be outlawed. “He threw the ball up and over the backboard right into the hoop! Unbelievable!” You mean like Larry Bird and Isiah Thomas and Kobe Bryant, etc. have done?

It’s difficult, yes, but I believe it can happen. Like Inigo Montoya said in “The Princess Bride” when Vezzini claims it’s inconceivable to find the Dread Pirate Roberts continuing to climb even after the rope had been cut – “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

And in similar fashion to “Unbelievable!” this term “breaks out of his slump,” used far too often in baseball.

For lack of more foresight, broadcasters revel at the opportunity to use this trite little idiom, which is embarrassing because it shows they don’t quite know what a slump is. A batter is mired in a slump. Let’s say he has one hit in his last 30 at-bats. Then he goes 3-for-4 in one particular game. Announcers are quick to pounce! “Well, he broke out of his slump today.”

Do you think his agent is going to be as quick to mention this week’s sampling when it comes to negotiating the player’s next contract? “Remember when he went on that tear and raised his average from .033 all the way up to .117? That’s a guy you need on your team.” Might I suggest using the phrase, “he’s sucking less than he was” instead?

How about doing away with anything relating to “Keys to the game”?

Do we need to see this? There really is only one key to the game and that is scoring more than your opponent does. By the time you’ve posted two or three things that could possibly transpire, we’ve already forgotten what you’ve said because the exact opposite has already occurred.

Darren Woodson spouted this a few weeks ago on an NFL segment – “The Patriots need to protect Tom Brady in order to win this week.” Is this as opposed to “The key for the Patriots this week is to let the other team sack Brady as much as possible. If they can allow 20 or more sacks, they should pull this one out.”

Over 10 percent unemployment and he has a job?! Can’t Nancy Pelosi introduce a bill on the floor of the House that suspends him from work until he can say something the foreign-speaking cab driver can’t come up with?

Though it’s actually not as bad as what’s said during such as, “That man is a football player.”

This is also known as pulling a Madden. Fortunately, with Big John retired, Dan Dierdorf has taken to using this one for Dierdorf is the new Madden, only without the insight and amusing speech patterns and likeability.

So wait, you’re telling me that the big guy down there on the field in the middle of a football game wearing all those pads and helmet, slinging the – what do you call that? a football? – slinging the football is a football player? I tend to doubt that. I believe, and I’m not the expert you are, that the man to whom you are referring is what’s called an actuary.

Ha! Football player. Yeah, sure.

There’s no question about it, that’s a dumb statement, but coming pretty close is the phrase “no question about it.”

I like to pass the time while I’m watching sports highlights and commentary by myself by playing a little drinking game. ([sigh] I’m so lonely.) Every time someone answers a question with the phrase, “Well, no question about it?” you drink. I tell you, if you want to get blotto in no time, this is the game for you. I frequently end up passed out in a puddle of my own drool until the rooster outside my window starts crowing. (I still regret getting the only apartment in the city with a landlord that owns a rooster.) And the sad part is that the TV is still on Sportscenter, which runs on a continuous loop throughout the evening so I have to play the game all over again.

“We bring in our ‘resident expert’ to ask him, a man who’s never ever met Joe Flacco, is Flacco nervous about facing the vaunted Pittsburgh Steelers defense today?”

“Oh, no question about it.”

Okay, stop right there! First off, I was watching. The man was talking before you asked a question! It had all the elements of a question – the open-endedness of the words, the slight pitching up of the voice at the end, the question mark at the end, ... the reason we brought you in in the first place!

How about if this happened: “Oh, no question about it.”

“Great, so you’re useless then ... Let’s go out to Mongo on the field and ask him the same question. Maybe we’ll get an answer this time.”

There’s one last thing I’d like to see done away with and that is the “guarantee.”

“I guarantee a win for the Nuggets against the Lakers.”

Blockbuster used to guarantee their popular new releases would be stocked on the shelves for you to enjoy. However, if they weren’t, they offered a free movie or something like that.

Think about that. They guaranteed it would be there. And it’s not. So it’s not exactly a successful guarantee.

You can’t guarantee something that’s out of your control. You can, however, guarantee something like, if the Nuggets lose to the Lakers, I will stick salt-water taffy up my nose right here at the news desk.

That will be an exception to the ban.

So I understand the implementation of these rules might severely curb my inebriating past time, but perhaps I’ll just have to find different criteria to play such as taking a drink each time Eric Mangini switches his quarterback or Rasheed Wallace gets a technical foul or Mercury Morris acts like he’s still relevant.

Hmm. Looks like I’ve got to make a run to the liquor store.