Wasif's World

They say the sun rises in the East ... unless he’s on the West Coast.

It’s not every night you get to meet “The Most Interesting Man In The World.” Township maybe, city perhaps, tri-county region unlikely, but the most interesting man in the world? No. So when you do, you stop what you’re doing and you take notice, for you know it’s not just any occasion. It must be the most interesting event in the world. And on Thursday August 12, at the Century Plaza Hotel in Los Angeles, it was.

I mean, we’re not talking about dime story sports figures at the 10th Annual Harold Pump Foundation dinner. Harold Pump -- though falsely recognized as the inventor of the “pump” fake where he would fake the shot, and then when you jumped to contest it, he’d kick you in the balls -- was actually the father of foundation founders Dana and David. He succumbed to cancer in 1999 and the foundation helps raise money for the Northridge Hospital’s cancer center.

This was not your run-of-the-mill, haul-out-the-retread celebrities (“Hey, is that Floyd Landis over there?”) dinner. No, this was le crème de la soul and I got to attend. Yep, me, myself and I. Definitely an interesting guest list.

Yes, he’s "the most interesting man in the world," but I set out to see if he was even the most interesting man in the room. Yes, sir, "the most interesting man in the world" had some competition.

“His blood smells like cologne”

Gale Sayers, among the top five running backs of all-time, was an early arrival, slowly making his way down the carpet, but not too focused that he wouldn’t spend a moment with this admirer. “Mr. Sayers, I once wrote a book report about you, and I remember that it was the first time I read the term ‘intestinal fortitude.’ Tell me, how did you get so much fortitude into your intestines?”

He looked at me for a moment like I had three heads, a most interesting thought, and then laughed as he moved in closer. “Listen, I did what I could with my God-given abilities.”

He went on to say that Barry Sanders was the running back he admired the most because they shared lots of the same abilities.

It’s interesting to think that Emmitt Smith, the leading rusher of all-time, who just got enshrined into the Hall of Fame, is not generally regarded with the same reverence as these two, though certainly still one of the greatest of all-time, just a rung below.

Say, with whom did Emmitt get elected into the Hall of Fame? Oh, yeah, that guy over there.

“His legend precedes him, the way lightning precedes thunder.”

Jerry Rice walked by, and was more than gracious to give each member of the press his time. He’d conducted upwards of two million interviews during his time in the league and since, but the last few weeks had to feel like Super Bowl Media Day all over again, for he was the star.

“Jerry ... may I call you Jerry?” He had soft eyes just like his hands, all the better for looking another touchdown straight into his gloves and running for daylight. He looked me right in the eye.

“Jerry, who, in your opinion, is the best receiver playing today?” I asked, almost repulsed by the

hackneyed nature of the question.

“Aw, c’mon, man, there are so many – Larry Fitzgerald, Randy Moss, Terrell Owens (watch out, he’s going to have a big year this year), Ochocinco, Andre Johnson.”

“Thanks, Jerry.” Hmm. He was humble and polite, quite interesting given that lots of receivers now just want the damn ball.

Though there’s not always something wrong with a football player with an oversized personality.

“His personality is so magnetic, he is unable to carry credit cards.”

Speaking of which, here comes Deion Sanders! DEION Sanders!!! He’s the only player in history to hit a home run and score a touchdown in the same week (in two different sports, not in the failed endeavor "Basefootball").

But this night is much more interesting to him than his achievements. “To be among my heroes,” he started, naming the list of attendees. “I even called Denzel ‘Dad’ at one point.”

Hmm, that’s very interesting. Perhaps if we had more time and a leather couch, you could elaborate

more on that.

But though you are a Hall of Fame personality, you’re not officially in the Hall of Fame like this guy coming down the carpet now.

“His beard alone has experienced more than a lesser man’s entire body.”

In this case, it was his moustache. It’s recognized before he is. It’s hypnotic; you can’t look away as much as you may try. I even noticed the “Entertainment Tonight” crew interviewed his mustache and ignored the man.

It’s Rollie Fingers, one of only four players to have his number retired by the Oakland A’s. Let’s see if he can name the other three.

“Well, there’s Reggie ... I gotta say Rickey ... and ‘Catfish’ Hunter.”

Is he right? How many readers say, “Yes?” If you agree with Rollie, you’re ...

[This trivia moment has been brought to you by Old Spice. Smell like a man, man.]

Back to the trivia contest to reveal that Rollie Fingers, one of the greatest closers in baseball history, got two out of three. Rickey Henderson has not had his number retired by the Oakland A’s (probably

because the A's don't want to reward a man who's mainly known as a thief), but Dennis Eckersley has. Thanks for playing, Rollie.

He definitely has the most interesting mustache in baseball history. And he’s been an MVP before. Who else here has been an MVP?

“He is the only person to ever ace a Rorschach Test.”

Steve Garvey was there. He’s one of only four people to win multiple All-Star Game MVPs. (Can you name the other three? If so, you get a cookie ... assuming you can find a cookie.) But he’s more impressed with the fact that he’s 10-0 in All-Star Games. Hmm, that's perfect ... and very interesting.

The other three, by the way, are Willie Mays, Gary Carter and Cal Ripken Jr. Now Cal, he’s another classy guy, right Steve? Say, who was that Hall of Famer he played with?

“If he were to punch you in the face, you’d have to fight off the urge to thank him.” Never mind. Here comes Eddie Murray now. I can ask him in person.

You know, I never noticed it before, but Eddie Murray has a good mustache as well. Interesting.

“Eddie, you’re the second most successful switch hitter of all-time (after Mickey Mantle), you’ve won a World Series, driven in the winning run in Game 3 of another World Series (1995), multiple All-Star appearances ... do you ever sit back in your living room, an iced tea in your hand, and think about all your accolades, saying to yourself, “Wow, I did all that?”

Eddie stared at me. He seems less amenable to questioning than Jim Rice earned a reputation for. He took a breath and started, “You know, people were always pushing me to look at my accomplishments while I was playing and I didn’t want any part of it.”

Uh oh, I thought this was going to get messy. Not that Eddie Murray was known for fits of temper, but it could’ve gone downhill in a hurry.

“But now that I’ve been out of the game for a while, yeah, I am proud about what I did.”

Phew! That ended well. Crisis averted.

“Y’know, Eddie, I grew up as a Red Sox fan ...”

He rolled his eyes.

D’oh! I’ve done it again. Quick, cower! No one would dare hit a man while he cowers. "I was an Eddie Murray fan and always enjoyed watching you play.”

“Well, thank you very much.”

And with that, he was gone. That was an interesting exchange and did nothing to harm my opinion of Eddie Murray. In fact, it only enhanced it, though I did forget to ask him if he was related to Anne. Hmm, that would make for an interesting family reunion.

Oooo, I can’t spend too much time thinking about that now as “Big Shot Rob” Horry was nearing. His ability to connect in the clutch is most interesting, but I was caught up in a conversation with an interesting subject already and missed my shot.

“He has amassed an amazingly large DVD collection, and has never once alphabetized it.”

I was speaking with Don Newcombe, the only player in baseball history to have won a Cy Young, Most Valuable Player andRookie of the Year award. And since they’re really not giving MVPs to pitchers anymore, it’s probably not going to change. Is Strasburg eligible for the Rookie of the Year next year? He won’t be. That’s interesting.

“He once punched a magician. That’s right, you heard me.”

Now things got really interesting as Sugar Ray Leonard stopped over. With all these synthetically created sweetners out there like saccharin and sucralose, it’s darn nice to see someone all-natural like Sugar.

“Sugar Ray, I grew to know you from the Hagler fight. We know that you came out on top there, but tell me, who’s the better actor?

“Well,” Sugar Ray positioned his feet as a fighter would to square off, for this question was no easy opponent. He put his hands out like we were going to play “slapsies,” and tried to indicate the level of acting ability each fighter had. “See, Marvin, he’s up here, but I’m ...” Sugar couldn’t allow the five-fingered representation of himself to float below the hand standing in for Hagler.

He continued, “... Marvin, he’s a character actor. He’s better looking than me.” So you’re more the leading man, I offered. He laughed and we had that settled. That was muy interesante.

“He lives vicariously . . . through himself.”

Dr. J is that type of person who would live vicariously through himself. Another book report subject, he was my favorite basketball player growing up. I tailored my game as a chubby Jewish kid with glasses and no vertical leap to be like his. And by “tailored my game,” I mean, I pulled my socks up to my knees.

"The first game I ever attended was at the Boston Garden, the game where you got into it with Larry Bird."

“Well, that was an exhibition,” Dr. J said.

“It certainly was an exhibition,” I responded, recalling the spectacle of one legend teaching another one some manners.

“No,” he said, “it was an exhibition game.”

“Oh yeah, that’s right. It was October.” It’s interesting that I wouldn’t remember that.

“Sure, anything can happen in an exhibition,” he added, indicating to me that there was nothing more to the fight.

Well, to talk to Dr. J, a man who I said had reinvented the way the game was played, was a treat.

He, by the way, claims “that’s not universally acknowledged” and then modestly described how he just wanted to bring the ABA style to the NBA.

Tomata, tomatoe, I say, Doctor. It worked and generations of players and fans respected what he did for the game.

Sheesh, isn’t there anyone who isn’t among the top professional athletes of all-time?

“He once had an awkward moment, just to see how it feels.”

Hey, here comes Jaleel White! Quite possibly the coolest man to walk the carpet that night made a career out of having awkward moments and cutting them with a nasally, “Did I do that?” The man known as Urkel on “Family Matters” oozed cool in his suit and dress hat.

He sang doo-wop on a recent episode of the USA Network series “Psych.” Though he won’t be releasing a singing album, he’s writing, producing, and starring in his own web series, utilizing all his talents. It’s called, “Fake It Til You Make It.” Check it out on his website. I just watched it and it’s funny and, dare I say, interesting.

Speaking of faking it ...

“Even his enemies list him as their emergency contact number.”

All right, let’s get this straight once and for all – for the past few years, I’ve had to put up with Jerry, the Colts fan, claiming that former New England Patriots linebacker Willie McGinest faked an injury at the end of a Colts-Pats contest just to get a breather, only to return to the game and stop Edgerrin James cold on fourth down at the goal line, thus solidifying the win for Belichick's Bruisers.

“First of all, I was out for two plays," McGinest said. "No one would ever tempt fate to fake an injury like that. You just don’t mess with that.”

So there you have it, Colts fan Jerry. In case you still have questions about it, why don’t you ask all 6-foot-5, 270 pounds of him yourself. Or better yet, ask this next guy coming down the carpet.

“He’s a lover, not a fighter ... but he’s also a fighter, so don’t get any ideas.”

Oscar-nominated actor Michael Clarke Duncan ambled down the red rug. I feel a kindred spirit to the “Green Mile” actor and “Two and a Half Men” recurring guest star. For you see, I weigh 170 pounds and so does one of his arms.

“What kind of sports were you into as a little, er, young kid?” I inquired upon the 300-plus pound man.

“Basketball and football. And I loved baseball. Anything Chicago. But I’m taking jiu-jitsu now.”

That’s both interesting and frightening. So now, instead of just crushing someone, you can throw them as well? Here’s my number. Let’s grapple someday. I’ll demonstrate my “figure-four pee-in-my-pants lock.”

“Years ago, he created a city out of blocks. Today, over 600,000 people live and work there.”

But of all those in attendance, each with reason to be honored, it was the man walking through the paparazzi now that deserved the most praise – Hank Aaron, Hall of Famer and Home Run King.*

The evening was to raise money for cancer research and prevention, but also to honor the excellence both on and off the field done by “Hammerin’ Hank” and his fellow honorees, Muhammed Ali and Denzel Washington. Talk about interesting.

It was truly a collection of the greatest, most interesting men in the sports and entertainment world.


But still, in many ways they cannot hold a candle to “the most interesting man in the world.” I spoke with him for about 10 minutes, each minute more interesting than the last.

In real life, Jonathan Goldsmith has appeared on myriad television shows, including a recurring role on “Dallas;” he’s a philanthropist; he lives on a yacht; he’s saved two people from drowning, in separate instances; he’s thrown out the first pitch at Dodger Stadium; he’s met Jim Thorpe; and he doesn’t always drink beer.

“I’m having a martini tonight. But you know, you should try the amber beer. A lot of people are not partial to amber, but I’m here to tell you, it’s quite good. There are many other uses for beer too. You can cook with it; my wife uses it to shampoo her hair.”

That's fascinating. I could've listened to him talk all night, but he had other people to regale with tales of his choosing.

So I had my answer. Among the most interesting, there is no one more interesting than “the most interesting man in the world.”

Stay thirsty, my friends.

*Home Run King among non-steroid users

“It was my understanding there would be no math during the debate.” -- President Gerald Ford (Chevy Chase, 1975)

It’s funny. We, as Americans, turn to baseball to get away from the daily chaos of our trying lives and the strife we must endure. Baseball offers us a peaceful calming calm peace with its simplistic rules and slow pacing. (Of course, if you’re a fan of the Cubs, it serves as the main cause of your strife.) But that’s changing now as the sport contains more mathematics than you ever had to deal with in school.

Where we used to consider whether we wanted just peanuts or cracker jacks at the ballpark (why not have them both?!), now we’re forced to spend the down-time (95 percent of a game) understanding calculations with concepts we deliberately ignored in school, if not skipped altogether.

A new motto has been born: Baseball – It’s Math Class, Only with Beer

Baseball has become decidedly more academic. But is that a good thing for the sport? A recent study of 890 baseball fans revealed that just over 146 percent of them didn’t like math and found routine concepts such as percentages tough to grasp.

Instead of “see the ball, hit the ball” – the most famous Pete Rose quote before his now more famous quote, “See the game, bet on the game” – it’s become “How often do they pitch a certain pitch? How will hitting this first ball affect the rest of the balls I might see and, therefore, the game? Where should I hit it? How are they playing me?”

Remember the good old days when you just had to know the basics? Just give me batting average (comma) home runs (comma) runs batted in and we’re done. “How’s he doing?” “He’s hitting .280, 24, 91.” “Good enough for me. Put him in the All-Star game!”

I remember Jim Rice (excuse me, that’s Hall-of-Famer Jim Rice) always considered it a good year when he hit .300, 30, 100. He liked big round numbers. And therefore, we liked him.

But those big round numbers weren’t enough for the powers that be. There’s so much more to baseball than just batting in runs and hitting a ball over a fence. With the escalation of salaries causing stadium parking rates to bankrupt formerly wealthy families, every measurable now must be, well, measured. No player gets through without a thorough stat check.

On-base percentage is the new “golden stat” nowadays. Batting average is so passé, what with its average of batting and all. Yessir, O.B.P. – “You down with OBP? Yeah, you know me ” — is the new darling because it, get this, includes walks. It’s the difference between a chocolate sundae with whipped cream and a chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts. (Unless you’re allergic to nuts and then you should stay far away from on-base percentage.)

This calculates the percentage of time that a player reaches base. “Time,” of course, limits the dividend to only consider time spent at-bat and does not include a player’s time in the bathroom, at home, playing with his kids at the beach, sleeping in the clubhouse, or other non-game activities. Otherwise, I’m sure the numbers would be lower considering that someone like Albert Pujols spends a healthy eight hours per night sleeping.

The new breed of general manager loves this stat. If the government were to legalize interpronounal marriages and allow humans to marry stats, many GMs would pick this one to be their lawfully wedded significant other.

But the additional numbers don’t stop there. Seemingly out of nowhere over the past decade, the “basics” have given way to a glut of new stats. A baseball stat sheet reads more like a company’s prospectus, and has more numbers than a drum full of Lotto balls.

You can make a ratio for any two stats, really. BB/K is the number of walks received for every strikeout. 1B/GS is the number of singles for every grand slam slammed. BS/HT is, of course, the number of bats splintered to every holdout threatened by a player. GO/TL measures ground outs per every torn ligament a player has suffered. And TR/IF is the number of tickets requested by a player per the number of members in his immediate family. (That’s an important stat for the traveling secretary.)

Over the past few years alone, we’ve encountered a seismic shift that has led to an integration between simple, wholesome baseball stats and complex, evil calculus.

The man responsible for much of this is Bill James, otherwise known as “Wild Bill” (by no one other than me). He is the chief architect in what is being called “the Nerd Movement” (again, by no one other than me). The Kansas native and baseball writer has turned player evaluation on its ear with formulas that allow anyone to determine what will happen for sure, without a doubt ... unless it doesn’t.

He created Sabermetrics which, of course, is named after former Kansas City Royals star Bret Saberhagen which comes from the Dutch word SABR meaning Society for American Baseball Research and hagendaas, meaning “ice cream.”

These new general managers who never played an inning on the field as youngsters, but “batted clean up” for their middle school’s Math Olympiad squad are now en vogue. (En Vogue, on the other hand, hasn’t come out with a decent R&B song since the early 90s leaving many to wonder what ever happened to them and many more to wonder what the hell I’m talking about.) They subscribe to Sabermetrics religiously, many of them majoring in it at business school.

Instead of just looking at a pitcher and getting a feel for a pitcher’s stuff, James’ guide takes the guesswork out of player acquisition and promotion.

Take the situation of a pitcher jumping from the National League to the American League. The AL is known to have stronger lineups so it stands to reason a pitcher’s Earned Run Average will jump. How do you know if your new player won’t suck it up under the bright lights and loud bats of the new league?

In the old days, you would just sign him and tune in to talk radio to figure out how much he sucked. You don’t have to wait for an actual game anymore. Predicting a player’s performance can be done with this standard metric devised by Bill James's disciple Jim Hassenpfeffer who describes it here:

You add a pitcher's E.R.A. in his home league, walks to strike-out ratio, balls hit out of play, percentage of foul tips that glance off the umpire, and average number of signs shaken off, then divide that by the number of calluses built up on his pitching hand and if you've got a MTZLPLK under 18.76, chances are you've got yourself a winner.

It makes a lot of sense. In 2005, the Red Sox signed Matt Clement away from the Chicago Cubs to a lucrative deal because his MTZLPLK was a glowing 13.90 which meant that he would pitch well until just after the All-Star break when a batted ball would careen off his noggin causing him to suck for the rest of his career.

This type of projection is not unique in the offices of professional clubs. They can even rate you when you don’t play. It’s called VORP and it means “value over replacement player.” It calculates if one player is better than a fictitious guy they could certainly get to replace him.

This logical analysis proposes that most players on the field suck and can be easily replaced by other less sucky players. It was created by “Ron from Queens” who calls in with a trade suggestion every time the Mets lose.

There is still a small portion of baseball aficionados who don’t need these stats. They just need what they see in front of them. Did he make an out or not? Does he look scared stiff or not? It’s olde-timey baseball at its best.

Which reminds me of a story – the first batter hits a fly ball to the center fielder, who makes a nice running catch. A guy sitting in the bleachers writes it down and then turns to the man next to him and says, “Score that play an 8."

The next batter hits it directly to the right fielder who catches it in his tracks. The scorekeeper writes that one down and says, “Score that play a 9,” at which point the man leans over to him and says, “I though the first catch was better.”

This is the problem with baseball today – too much time for these stories. It beats doing math though.