Wasif's World

My, oh, my! Didn't 2010 go faster than an Olympic luge course in Vancouver? I mean, it’s as if 2010 was “The Tonight Show” and we were Conan O’Brien. First off, I want to thank all of you who, upon my request to text me your most genteel holiday wishes, complied ... except for “Brett in Minnesota,” from whom I have revoked all future cell phone privileges for apparently misreading the word “genteel.”

Okay, before we get started, let’s get something straight right now –- I’m very confused about calling these the “2011 NFL Playoffs.” The season all took place during 2010, so wouldn’t they be the 2010 playoffs? Though the Saints won it all in 2010 (for the 2009 season) so that would make it confusing if you called these the 2010 playoffs and the Saints didn’t win.

At least in basketball and hockey, you’ll say the ’08-’09 season. That eliminates all confusion, but takes a while to say.

That said, you’ve read the “experts” and their predictions. They give you their best guesses as to what will happen during these forthcoming NFL playoffs, but none of them expand upon what could happen. So allow me to do that for you now:

WILD CARD ROUND:

New York Jets @ Indianapolis Colts

What Could Happen
Rex Ryan instructs his team to set up “the wall” against the other team’s gunner on kickoffs, but once his coaches put their feet out there, Ryan begins to fantasize about what they look like inside their shoes; wondering if there’s toe knuckle hair or how calloused they are or ... sorry, I got carried away. He loses focus on the game and without his guidance, Mark Sanchez gets called for a record 19 delay-of-game penalties in a row taking a first-and-goal situation from the Colts’ 1-yard line to a first-and-goal from their own 4-yard line. Sanchez finally gets the play from the sidelines, which is a pass, drops back, and is sandwiched by Dwight Freeney and Robert Mathis for a safety, the eventual margin of victory for the Colts.

What Will Happen
The only feet Ryan will be worried about is Peyton Manning who manages to stay on his all game long, leading his team to victory.

Baltimore @ Kansas City

What Could Happen
Ray Lewis gets so fired up before the game against Kansas City that his head explodes and the game is delayed 20 minutes while the grounds crew cleans it up.

What Will Happen
Ray Lewis and the Ravens defense manages to stifle the Kansas City offense. Meanwhile, on the other side of the ball, Joe Flacco has trouble getting things started thanks to the rabid Arrowhead fans. Special teams play powers Kansas City to a narrow upset. The Ravens are not so surprised when they are told after the game that the Chiefs are made up of many ex-Patriots. "Great, now I hate Kansas City too," mutters Terrell Suggs.

New Orleans @ Seattle

What Could Happen
The "12th Man," the Qwest Field advantage works for the Seahawks. It is so loud there that Drew Brees can’t function. He throws an uncharacteristic three picks and Seattle decisively upsets the defending Super Bowl champs.

What Will Happen
The "12th Man," the Qwest Field advantage works for the Seahawks. It is so loud that Drew Brees can only lead his offense to score 40 points against Seattle. Pete Carroll is so excited by this display of efficiency, he hugs Brees after the game.

Green Bay @ Philadelphia

What Could Happen
The game in Philadelphia will be postponed three days because of the threat of a snow flurry. In the interim, Aaron Rogers bumps his head on the night table next to his bed during a fitful dream about Brett Favre returning to Green Bay next year, thus sustaining a concussion.

Michael Vick, meanwhile, goes shopping for a dog at the local shelter. Attempting to pet a cute pekingese, it bites him because it knows of his reputation. Vick is hospitalized with rabies. Kevin Kolb and Matt Flynn lead their respective teams to an uninteresting Green Bay upset in front of only 2,500 fans because everyone was confused about when the game was actually going to be played, including Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell, who's justifiably pissed.

What Will Happen
Michael Vick, back in the playoffs for the first time since 2005, will do what he did with Atlanta and surprise the Green Bay Packers, a team expected by many to be playing in February. The Eagles win a close, low-scoring affair.

Result: New Orleans, Kansas City, Philadelphia, Indianapolis advance.

DIVISIONAL ROUND:

Indianapolis @ Pittsburgh

What Could Happen
Roethlisberger has déjà vu as he hands the ball off to his running back near the goal line and Mendenhall fumbles. It’s recovered by a Colts cornerback who rumbles down the field only to be tackled at midfield by Big Ben himself.

What Will Happen
The injuries to Manning’s Colts finally catch up with them and he is unable to pull this one out after James Harrison knocks four more Colts out of the game, including an equipment manager on the sideline, earning him $400,000 worth of fines.

Kansas City @ New England

What Could Happen
New England meets New England-West as the Chiefs come to town. Charlie Weis and Romeo Crennel get confused and spend the first half of the game on the Patriots sideline calling plays for Belichick who, being a genius, decides not to correct them. Matt Cassell just hands the ball off on every play during that half, and the Chiefs still gain a respectable 80 yards on the ground heading into the locker room, though the Patriots hold a 35-0 edge in points.

What Will Happen
Belichick usually doesn’t do very well against his former apprentices and this Chiefs squad is full of them. They know everything about “the Hoodie” right down to the flavored fiber supplement he takes in his apple juice the morning of the game. It’s a dog fight, but one that is eked out by the Patriots because the Chiefs find themselves in awe of Brady's flowing locks instead of worrying about Alge Crumpler's mowing blocks.

New Orleans @ Atlanta

What Could Happen
A New Orleans and Atlanta rematch proves to be everything it’s cracked up to be. Tempers flare as it did in the last game and Atlanta wins on the final drive as "Matty Ice" throws to Tony Gonzalez in the back of the end zone.

What Will Happen Hm, that’s pretty much what will happen.

Philadelphia @ Chicago

What Could Happen
Philly finds a defense that is slobbering for some fresh meat. Michael Vick provides them that opportunity. On the first play from scrimmage, Vick scrambles to avoid Julius Peppers and finds himself in the arms of Lance Briggs who holds him up long enough for Peppers to arrive. The two of them each pull an arm off Vick before Brian Urlacher, behind a full head of steam, bulldozes the quarterback, earning a 15-yard helmet to helmet penalty as he knocks Vick’s helmet off . . . with his head still inside. Appreciative Bears fans applaud when Vick walks off under his own power.

What Will Happen
This is a tough game to pick. Jay Cutler is a wild card. Both teams are used to the cold. Devin Hester and DeSean Jackson are both very dangerous. But in the end, defense will prove the word of the day and that means Chicago will triumph.

Result: New England, Pittsburgh, Chicago, and Atlanta advance. CHAMPIONSHIP ROUND

Pittsburgh @ New England

What Could Happen
Hines Ward is upset that he was knocked out of the last game against New England. James Harrison is upset that he didn’t knock anyone out on New England. Troy Polamalu is upset that his equipment manager left his Head & Shoulders back at Heinz Field and he’s forced to use a generic CVS brand shampoo. Charlie Batch is upset that he’s not starting this game as he feels he’s made a compelling argument by beating Tampa Bay in Week 3. Fueled by emotion, the Steelers return to yet another Super Bowl. What Will Happen
The Steelers rack up 150 yards running, but manage to give up 200, including a Tom Brady run for 22 yards on a third-and-twenty. Shayne Graham kicks the deciding field goal and the Patriots return to the Super Bowl on the heels of a three-point nail biter.

Chicago @ Atlanta

What Could Happen
Julius Peppers knocks Matt Ryan out of the game on a legal hit that he is flagged for. His backup, Chris Redman, manages impressively but Ryan, though unable to lift his throwing shoulder, defiantly and heroically returns to the game. Even knowing that all he can do is hand off, the Bears are somehow unable to stop Michael Turner who scores the final touchdown with under two minutes remaining and Jay Cutler throws his third interception of the game to seal the Bears’ fate.

What Will Happen
In a boring, low-scoring affair, Ryan’s two interceptions make him and his team just that much better than Cutler’s three interceptions and the Falcons earn a “dirty bird” dance back to the Super Bowl.

Result: New England and Atlanta advance. SUPER BOWL XLV

Atlanta and New England

What Could Happen
The Super Bowl is postponed two weeks as the league and the NFLPA finally come to an agreement about expanding the season to 18 games. They decide it should start immediately and every team is ordered to play two more games. After those games are over, the New England Patriots and the Atlanta Falcons will meet for Super Bowl XLV.

Parity in the NFL leads to the two No. 1 seeds facing off against each other, defying the norm. Atlanta starts off with an onside kick, that is recovered by a Falcon and it goes from there. The Falcons frequently drop 11 men into coverage and cause Brady to throw four picks. Miraculously, the game comes down to the final play with the Falcons up by two and the Patriots needing another miracle from their kicker. It’s Shayne Graham who is iced three times by the Falcons who have not yet used any of their time outs for just such an occasion.

Graham is ready, but the snap is muffed and Graham picks it up. He scrambles and manages to loft the ball up toward Deion Branch who alertly goes out for the pass. Branch catches it, but is stopped at the half-yard line surpassing the Titans-Rams Super Bowl as the closest finish ever.

What Will Happen
Ah, who are we kidding? This is the easiest game the Patriots face during the playoffs, if not all season and it’s a 45-3 snoozefest. Outraged by his team’s performance after the game, Arthur Blanks opens up the checkbook and signs free agent quarterback Michael Vick.

There you have it. The ifs, ands, buts, or whats of the 2011 (though an addendum to 2010) playoffs. Take this one to the bank! (While there, you might want to open a CD account. Rates are pretty good right now.)

The Saints just won the Super Bowl. And not to be redundant to this little bit of rhetoric, but they truly deserved it. I’ve always been a big believer in awarding any game to the team that either a) scores more points than the other team or b) prevents the other team from scoring as many points as they do. They deserve it!

As I was in New Orleans at the time, getting “crunk” (or attempting to get my “crunk on” or “lubricating my crunk to prevent chafing,” whatever), I opted to geaux down to Bourbon Street to check out the scene.

When I got there, I was shocked at what I did see – nothing. That is to say, there was no rioting, no burning, no throwing, no climbing, no breaking, and, quite frankly, not a whole lot of crunking going on. I saw plenty of revelers singing, dancing, chanting, hugging, kissing, drinking, stumbling and reveling. It was, in essence, a good, clean party.

Ha, rookies. Who Dat Nation, haven’t you seen how it’s done before? In all your time as perpetual bridesmaids, didn’t you once tune in to see another town’s parades? Detroit? Los Angeles? Or how about during the late 90s when the Yankees won and several sexual assault arrests were made? You need a little lesson in the fine art of the sports celebration.

One thing I don’t understand -- outside of how fabric softener works -- is the sports celebration. It’s baffling. How can people mistake the whims of a fanatical sports mob for the old Viking practice of pillaging a town? Your team wins and you head to the streets to flip cars. You’d think the championship trophy was hidden under a General Motors vehicle.

(I did get to hold the Super Bowl trophy, by the way, which was cool. I was surprised to find it made of tin foil. Hard to believe that’s what everyone is fighting for.)

I was in Boston when the Patriots won their first championship, and people were climbing lampposts, smashing glass on the ground and lighting fires. Where does the fire come from? Are two roommates sitting at home with nothing to do when one asks the other:

“Hey, Mack, wanna come down to Coolidge Corner with me tonight?”

“Nah, I think I’m gonna just stay here.”

“But the Patriots could win the championship.”

“Really? I’ll go get my torch.”

I never thought one would need a torch to attend a post-game celebration. Not unless it’s held in a dark cave filled with snakes and maybe some mummies. But I learned in a hurry and had to fashion my own with a broomstick and some old rags dipped in kerosene.

Anyone who owns a store in a city fortunate enough to win a championship should immediately consider moving to one of those less fortunate places where perhaps the only prize they earn is first place in a national yodeling contest (though I’m not sure how destructive yodeling fans can be).

Oh, I saw some questionable moments in Nola, like the guy who tried to climb onto a parked segway that was leaning up against the wall. He didn’t understand the physics behind the vehicle. It runs by magnetism; that is, when it’s on. When it’s off, it moves by gravity, and only in one direction – down. So he smashed right onto his face, stood up, and with his arm covered in blood, stumbled on his way to celebrate, more than likely in the soon-to-be christened Drew Brees Wing of the County hospital.

Anything else that might have raised eyebrows was typical for Mardi Gras, so you can’t chalk that up to a championship celebration. (On a side note, I’m told I gave up my beads too easily. I needed to get something in return. Next time, I’ll bring a stern negotiator with me.)

But in your typical post-victory celebration, for some reason, the euphoric emotion mixes into a potion of violence creating mayhem. I don’t know where this happens, but I do believe it’s near the intersection of Civility Lane and Anarchy Way, where the thrill of victory meets the shrill of police sirens. That’s why property value on those streets is so low.

There’s no other aspect of life where we would see this kind of violent happiness. On your son’s graduation day, arguably the happiest day of his young life, you don’t put your arm around him and say, “Son, your mother and I are so darn proud of you that we bought you a car” ... then lead him to the window to view a top-of-the-line S.U.V. in the driveway engulfed in flames. “—that we set on fire,” as they continue to beam from ear to ear. “We wish you the best in grad school.”

I contend that the initiation of this custom may lie firmly with the players. Have you ever noticed how they celebrate? A player scores a touchdown and his teammates attack him, first knocking him down, then piling on top of him. It’s brutal! If the player had a wallet, I’m sure they’d take it from him.

It’s a unique way of rewarding such a play of grace and athleticism ... by trying to cripple him so that he may never do it again. And he’s on their side! Imagine what they’d do to him if he wasn’t a beloved teammate.

Cut to the locker room a few minutes later and they’re spraying champagne into each other’s eyes. Gatorade over the coach’s head in subzero January temperatures isn’t enough, they need something with bubbles that will sting.

At that point, an announcer comes up to the visually-impaired player and asks him, “How do you feel right now?” The answer I always expect to hear is, “I’d feel a lot better if I could see again,” but they always say they feel great, no doubt because the pounding they took caused them brain damage.

Well, New Orleans, for the city that parties more than any other city, after waiting 43 years for this, I would’ve expected something more shocking from you like slicing the French Quarter into eighths or voiding the Louisiana Purchase. Alas, it was just your typical Mardi Gras meets Saints-winning-the-Super-Bowl party. Maybe you’ll learn for next season.

Congratulations to Who Dat Nation! (Oh, and could someone tell me how to get this fleur-de-lis tattoo on my face removed? I’ve got a wedding to attend next weekend.)

Now is the time to predict who will win the Super Bowl. After weighing all the facts, poring over statistics, summoning forth the ghosts of Super Bowls past, listening to all the "experts" spout jibber jabber, and consulting with my Magic-8 ball, I’m finally ready to use all this information to corrupt whichever case I want to build.

Let’s first look at the case for the Colts. They will win. It’s obvious that they will win. First of all, they have Peyton Manning. He has never lost a Super Bowl.

Secondly, the team labeled the favorite by Vegas has won every year for the past one year.

Thirdly, these 2009 Colts have won every game that they’ve cared to win. They have the better defense and they don’t give teams a chance to capitalize on their mistakes ... cuz they don’t make enough.

Fourthly, they’ve proven to be the road block that precipitates an undeserving team’s demise. The Jets should not have beaten the Bengals (thank you, Shayne Graham). The Jets should not have beaten the San Diego Chargers (thank you, Nate Kaeding ... and somehow Norv Turner, because he always finds a way to lose). The Colts aren’t going to let teams that won because of bad play on the part of their opponents during the previous games beat them. Do you hear that, New Orleans?

Fifthly, the Colts put 30 points on the board against the No. 1 defense in the league. And then their defense only gave up 17 points to the high-flying New York Jets. (Wait ... 17 points to the Jets? Really? Okay, so maybe that’s a plus for the Saints.)

Sixthly, they’re playing in Miami again, site of their most recent Super Bowl victory, so they’re used the whole vibe there.

Seventhly, first-time teams don’t win Super Bowls (except the Rams ... and the Ravens ... er, and the Bucs.)

Eightly, Archie Manning didn’t raise his boys to lose ... save for Cooper.

Ninthly, Peyton is driven to win. (Unlike those other mere punch-the-clock signal callers who don’t care as long as the check clears.)

And tenthly, the Colts can come from behind.

Ten very sharp points giving definitive cause to bet the farm on Indianapolis (though the farm is usually located just outside Indy's city limits). So that's what Vegas would have you believe.

There's also very keen evidence to reveal a clear Saints victory. It makes it very obvious that they'll win. How shall they beat thee; let us count the ways:

One) The Saints are a bend-but-don’t-break defense. They gave up almost 500 yards of offense to the Minnesota Vikings, but caused enough turnovers to win the game. All part of their plan.

Dos) The last team that Brett Favre handed a Championship Game to went on to win the Super Bowl.

C) The Colts can’t be expected to succeed more than Brett Favre’s potent passing performance. So the Saints have handled the worst.

IV) Dwight Freeney is hurt. A speed rusher with a bum ankle? Advantage: Saints.

Next, the Saints are also a comeback team.

After that, the Saints are playing for their city. (Okay, that’s a dumb one.)

To be followed by, Reggie Bush plays well every other game. He took the Minnesota game off so LOOK OUT next week!

Thus pointing out, Sean Payton is a master motivator. At least he’s a master booker for motivational speakers like Ronnie Lott. Wonder who he’ll book this week. I hear Tony Dungy's available.

Leading us to learn that, the last team to win "every game that they've cared to win" lost the Super Bowl.

Thus elucidating us upon the fact, the Saints have a better fan base than Indiananoplace.

Which is less revealing than, the underdog as per Vegas has won 50 percent of the time over the last two years.

Describing the penultimate note, the Saints possess a more balanced attack.

And finally, the Saints and their passing attack represent a threat to the rules that the Colts’ Jim Irsay helped put into law; you know, those that make touching illegal. What's a Super Bowl without a hint of ironic comeuppance?

So looking at all that we have in front of us, I’ve got the definitive LOCK of the century, made of pure carbonite, baby! With the majority of bettors hopping on the SS Manning, I’m gonna go marchin' in with the Saints and predict a surprising 35-27 victory, providing a Category 5 party to kickoff Mardi Gras. It’s this kind of against-the-grain thinking that allowed me, while others were losing tens of thousands in the recent bottoming out of the market, to actually lose hundreds of thousands in the recent bottoming out of the market.

But if the Saints win either 3-2 or win by over 90 points, I’ll make my money back. Fingers crossed.

Enjoy the game everyone!

Let’s take a step back to look at the NFL in this the lead-up to the Super Bowl.

In a league where job security is as improbable as Heidi Montag making it a week without plastic surgery, Tom Cable and Norv Turner both will return next year to once again lead their respective teams to early offseasons. Congratulations, fellas!

Now, I’d like to address one of my fans, someone calling himself “swyner,” who wrote to me after my previous piece, “Your an idiot … This guy Brett is a superstar and the Vikings are the best team in football.”

Don’t you hate it when the “best team in football” gets beaten by those lesser teams? And I appreciate your observation, “swyner,” but you didn’t tell me what, of mine, is an idiot. You left out a few words. Did you mean to say “Your financial advisor is an idiot?” “Your parolee neighbor is an idiot?” Using the possessive “your” necessitates a conclusion to the noun phrase you’re attempting. Hey, I’m always here to help my readers.

Now on to pressing matters – Did anyone think Brett was not going to throw the ball to the other team? It’s what he does. Strong arm, tough player, not a great decision-maker. When you see the sun come up day after day, you kinda come to expect it.

That said, we should look at this objectively; Brett Favre is a Hall-of-Famer. He makes plays other quarterbacks not in the Hall of Fame can’t or couldn't. (He also makes plays quarterbacks who are in the Hall of Fame didn’t or wouldn’t. And that’s why we’re even having this discussion.) He’s still one of the greatest of all-time and the prefix “Hall-of-Famer” will never be withdrawn from his name.

As much as I joked about revoking his status due to blowing Super Bowl berths (now twice), he doesn’t deserve that ... though he has exactly as many rings as Brad Johnson does.

On the flip side, I heard someone refer to Philip Rivers as a “future Hall-of-Famer” the other day. Now that commentator should have his credentials rescinded.

Brett told Chris Mortensen, by the way, that it’s “highly unlikely” he’ll return next season. Uh, yeah, is there anyone buying that one?
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We’re going to be deluged by “experts” making their game predictions this next week. Half (approximately) will say one thing, the other half will say another. So either way, a large percentage of them will be wrong. How about we stop calling them experts please?

If you went to a doctor, an expert in the medical profession, and he said you had a hernia; then you got a second opinion from a doctor that said you actually only had hiccups, you probably wouldn’t consider one of them an “expert” anymore.
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Around this time, people take a moment to reflect upon recent Super Bowls and that will inevitably bring up the belief by some that Bill Belichick’s teams didn’t deserve to win because he “cheated.”

I love how the legend of this grows every day. It’s to the point where the story is that Belichick himself was on the sidelines of the other team’s closed practice with a camera. I think he even asked Andy Reid to have the players run through a play a second time just so he could shoot it from another angle.

The man is a genius, after all. He was so smart that he showed his team all these video tapes (that he took himself) and told his team not to beat the opponents too badly so no one would suspect their illegalities.

And that’s why Brady and his Bunch won each contest by only three points, including two with last-minute field goals. That was all part of Belichick’s master stroke. With the footage he had, including one shot through the keyhole of Donovan McNabb’s hotel room as the quarterback admired himself in the mirror, the Patriots could’ve won by 80 points easily, but that would’ve tipped people off to foul play.
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I really don’t care who wins this year as I have no fish in the tank, so to speak, no spice in the soup, no gun in the locker room, no ... okay, you get the point. I just want to see a good, clean game. Last year’s contest, though exciting, was still marred by controversy.

After driving the length of the field, the Steelers left the Cardinals with very little time for Kurt Warner to do a little magic of his own. But that should not have meant the game was over.

Holmes, after making a great catch in the corner of the end zone, used the ball as a prop in an effort to celebrate. Excessive celebration, 15-yard penalty. (Another one of the rules that probably shouldn’t be a rule, but it is.) However, it wasn’t called. Whoa! Why make a rule if you’re not going to enforce it? That’s like saying, “Intentional grounding, but y’know what? We’re just gonna let it slide this once. First down and 10!”

It would’ve pushed the kickoff back 15 yards, presumably giving the Cardinals better field position with which to work.

Then, after a few plays, Warner fumbled the ball in what was clearly not a fumble. But since there was less than two minutes remaining, it was an automatic booth review. (I understood why they called it a fumble, so there would be something to review. If it wasn’t called a fumble, then there’d be nothing to review.) So let’s just go up to the --- huzzah what now? The Steelers are being given the ball?!

What part of automatic booth review do you not understand? Did the booth guys go home? Were they relieving themselves after four quarters of large Miller Genuine Drafts? Or were they just Steelers fans?

I’m not saying the Cardinals would’ve won, but with Kurt Warner and Larry Fitzgerald on their team, there’s no better finish I would’ve liked to see. And I’m still waiting for the league to pick up with that game. Perhaps they could play that last minute as the pre-game next Sunday.
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My early prediction for Super Bowl XLIV, before I've pored through the myriad statistics and listened to the experts, is for either the Saints or the Colts to prevail. Though I wouldn’t put it past Belichick to find a way to somehow steal the crown from both teams. He is, after all, a diabolical supergenius who must have something up his sleeve.